Can't "turn my mind off" about my ex girlfriend

[Magnetic]

I know this is so pathetic, . . . I've thought the same about others, . . .but I can't turn my brain off from my ex girlfriend. I have accepted that she doesn't want to pursue the relationship any further, but because of allowing a bond to be formed, . . . I cannot seem to turn my mind from her. Nothing I do seems to help.

People telling me to "focus soley on God" have not help (rather, the suggestion). It is something that I really want to get over, for my own sake. I'm becoming "paranoid" about her. Because she lives in the same apartment complex, I know when she is home. People may say, "don't look out to check", but I am obsessed. I was up very late, last night, and she didn't come home until 15 till midnight, . . . and she is the type of person who almost insists on being in bed by at least 10:00 pm, when work is the next day. The only time she broke with that pattern . . . is when she was dating me. It makes me believe that she is seeing someone already. I have NO evidence of it, . . .but that is where my mind goes, and I need to be freed from this "prison of my mind".

Fact is, I wish we were still together, even though she did things that had been undesirable, and would BE undesirable, when they happened in the future, . . . .but since I allowed a strong bond to form, I want her in my life. It isn't going to happen, . . . and that is where I need professional help. I need to be released from this for my own sake. I may look for a good professional in my city. :confused

[Master Jake]

I know this is so pathetic, . . . I've thought the same about others, . . .but I can't turn my brain off from my ex girlfriend. I have accepted that she doesn't want to pursue the relationship any further, but because of allowing a bond to be formed, . . . I cannot seem to turn my mind from her. Nothing I do seems to help.

People telling me to "focus soley on God" have not help (rather, the suggestion). It is something that I really want to get over, for my own sake. I'm becoming "paranoid" about her. Because she lives in the same apartment complex, I know when she is home. People may say, "don't look out to check", but I am obsessed. I was up very late, last night, and she didn't come home until 15 till midnight, . . . and she is the type of person who almost insists on being in bed by at least 10:00 pm, when work is the next day. The only time she broke with that pattern . . . is when she was dating me. It makes me believe that she is seeing someone already. I have NO evidence of it, . . .but that is where my mind goes, and I need to be freed from this "prison of my mind".

Fact is, I wish we were still together, even though she did things that had been undesirable, and would BE undesirable, when they happened in the future, . . . .but since I allowed a strong bond to form, I want her in my life. It isn't going to happen, . . . and that is where I need professional help. I need to be released from this for my own sake. I may look for a good professional in my city. :confused

I wouldn't recommend a psychiatrist, therapist, or whatever simply for the fact that I've been to them before and all they do is take your money and ask obvious questions and things like "How does that make you feel?". I don't want to tell you what to do or discourage you, and by all means try it if you wish and maybe it will work out for you. Just saying from experience it didn't help me. I would continue to pray about it for a couple more weeks before considering mental help.

And about your girlfriend, would you consider her to have been your first TRUE love?

[HisLeast]

Hey bro,

First, you need to concede that its natural to want her back. Its natural to feel bad. This isn't the emotion you want to fight, otherwise you're just going to make it stronger. Its OK to be heartbroken about it all.

What isn't ok, is monitoring her activity. Whatever her reasons are for coming in late, they're her reasons, and are no longer any of your business. If you let this kind of thing continue, you're in very real danger of being a stalker, and that ain't good for anyone involved.

Now, I know as well as anyone here how frustrating the "coles notes" answers are. The seemingly impossibly simple answers like "just don't worry about it" or "move on" are (in my experience) actually impossibly simple.

But there is one simple thing you can do. Its not going to make the whole thing go away, but its one step along the path. Don't fight the hurt. Accept it.

Does that make any sense at all?

[ImHe]

It hurts less as it happens more. This is usually what happens when you have serious girlfriends because they become ingrained in your life, and you cant imagine doing alot of things without them there, in fact as you drive past "your spots" you remember her of course in your case you look out the window. It can sometimes take time to get over especially if you've done things you shouldnt have been doing together aka sex. If you need closure, try to seek closure (in an acceptable way) by the time you get into your next relationship, this girl will be long gone from your life. Best thing is to utilize your time doing godd things for other rather than staring out the window.

[faithoverflow]

You need to understand that something like this takes time to get over. I can relate with what your going through and I know it's not easy, it took me over 2 years to get over my first love! The flesh is weak but you have an Almighty God above. God will heal your wounds in time, just put your trust in Him. In the meanwhile try to fill your life completely with other things that make you happy, including God of course! :hug:

[DaniHansen]

I think that when a person ends a relationship, it leaves the other person with a very distinct sense of having no control. Which is why those left behind often get obsessive about the breaker-upper's activities after the relationship has ended, in an attempt to get some sort of control back and overcome that distinct feeling of helplessness in that way. Which is a very understandable way of going about it, albeit not the right way.

The right way to go about it, is to confront your own sense of helplessness and the fact that there is nothing you can do at this point in the game. Let go of the "if only", work through your grief (which is a process at the end of a relationship) and work on letting her go and any emotional attachment to her that has no longer any business of being there. The ties created between you were done in a very specific pattern, step by step. And so you let go of them step by step also, and understand that releasing them in toto is the best way to prepare yourself for a new relationship because then you won't bring those ties to other people into it who were there before it.

I understand how difficult it can be to take a step back and remove yourself emotionally long enough to think objectively, but it has to happen and is all part of it. You're going to want to do that so that this doesn't turn into an unhealthy obsession; simply to protect yourself and enable yourself to reclaim your life and personhood without your former girlfriend.

[livingwaters]

Hope this helps you. The Word says to keep your mind on those things that are good and pure! Don't let satan have his way with your mind!!!!

GOD HAS A POSITIVE ANSWER:


YOU SAY, GOD SAYS
BIBLE VERSES


You say: 'It's impossible'
God says: All things are possible
(Luke 18:27)
You say: 'I'm too tired'
God says: I will give you rest
(Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: 'Nobody really loves me'
God says: I love you
(John 3:1 6 & John 3:34 )
You say: 'I can't go on'
God says: My grace is sufficient
(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: 'I can't figure things out'
God says: I will direct your steps
(Proverbs 3:5- 6)
You say: 'I can't do it'
God says: You can do all things
(Philippians 4:13)
You say: 'I'm not able'
God says: I am able
(II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: 'It's not worth it'
God says: It will be worth it
(Roman 8:28 )
You say: 'I can't forgive myself'
God says: I Forgive you
(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: 'I can't manage'
God says: I will supply all your needs
(Philippians 4:19)
You say: 'I'm afraid'
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear
(II Timothy 1:7)
You say: 'I'm always worried and frustrated'
God says: Cast all your cares on ME
(I Peter 5:7)
You say: 'I'm not smart enough'
God says: I give you wisdom
(I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: 'I feel all alone'
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you
(Hebrews 13:5)


God determines who walks into your life....Let God determine who walks out!

Father, God, bless all my friends in whatever it is that you know they may need this day! And may their lives be full of your peace, prosperity and power as they seek to have a closer relationship with you. Amen.

God Bless You!!

[Magnetic]

Thanks for the replies. I was doing better about all this until she showed up at the hospital to pay me a visit (because my mom had a stroke). While I appreciate her care, . . . it wasn't good for her to do that because it confuses me. Even yesterday, she sent me a couple of text messages asking how I was doing, and that "it was nice to see me the other day". I know she is just concerned, but it is really messing with my mind. I may have to clue her in.

Anyway, please pray for my mind, . . . I really DO want to get over this! :(

[turtledove]

The sooner you let go the better it will become. The difficulty is in facing the fact that it is over. Since you had strong emotional ties and feelings about her..you are still dealing with them; but there is more to this than just those feelings. An unhealthy pattern is developing in which you are experiencing obsessive thoughts as you have shared with us in your post.

It seems that this relationship from her perspective is definitely over and she probably is seeing others now. And that is what you have to face. If you procrastinate about facing it you will suffer even more.

You need to find something else you can concentrate on..and determine that is what you want to do rather than to obsess over a relationship which is over. Knowing that is necessary and doing it are two different things, however. And I have been there, done that, and know it isn't easy.

I think getting some kind of good Christian counseling can help..not just someone who wants to probe..but someone who can give you some ideas about how to change this pattern of thought which seems to be controlling your life and activities right now. And surely fellowship in a church with other believers can help you as well.

I know from the relationships in my life which either ended or changed..I learned something and in looking back I see where I should have gotten past the emotions and sometimes obsessive behavior and thoughts and moved on sooner than I did. It takes time to face how dwelling on an ended relationship can keep us from experiencing joy and love again. But, as you trust the Lord, you can experience joy and love again.

And taking this to the Lord in prayer sounds simplistic..but that is what needs to be done consistantly. Perhaps every time you are tempted to look out and check on her comings and goings.

My prayers for your peace of mind and that you do get the help you need.

[Magnetic]

We had a talk, yesterday. She stated again the age difference and the direction. Here's also what she said. She still really wants to be friends, because she enjoys being around me. She also said that there is still chemestry, but wants to put all that aside to be friends. I told her I would think about it.

Here's my take on it, though. Some of the hardests parts about having a relationship is finding another person who enjoys being around you, and has the chemestry. Friendship and chemestry, along with two committed people is really the foundation for a great relationship, IMO. So there may be a few things that aren't exactly perfect, but to know what she said, . . . it makes me wonder "why". The future is fluid. It isn't set in stone for either of us. She felt I wasn't going in the same direction in "my career", but who can know that?

I will have to search myself on this all. But, the bottom line is that she isn't going to change her mind. I have to accept that, and for my own sake, move past it all, . . . turn the focus elsewhere. I will hope for God to take this part of my life over and trust that my future will be prosperous.

Thanks for all the comments. Just pray for God's help in the healing within my heart and mind. Thank you.

[faithmyeyes]

I know this is so pathetic, . . . I've thought the same about others, . . .but I can't turn my brain off from my ex girlfriend.
I think this is pretty normal. What you are going through is not unlike a divorce, from an emotional perspective. Everybody recognizes that divorces hurt and there are all kinds of support groups for it... but since this was "just a breakup," you're told to "just move on, there's other fish in the sea." I've experienced it myself, and some of the advice (although well-intentioned) strongly resembles that which comes from the south end of a northbound bull.

I'm becoming "paranoid" about her. Because she lives in the same apartment complex, I know when she is home.

Fact is, I wish we were still together

We had a talk, yesterday.

She still really wants to be friends

she showed up at the hospital to pay me a visit

yesterday, she sent me a couple of text messages

it is really messing with my mind. I may have to clue her in.
The best advice I've heard for serious breakups is to completely sever contact for at least six months. Ideally, you could move to a different apartment complex so your and her paths wouldn't cross so much. Whether or not that's possible, you should get involved in different things to fill your mind with something other than her, preferably in a context that doesn't remind you of her.

And you should definitely "clue her in," as you said, and ask her to stop contacting you. It's foolish to think that the two of you will be great platonic buddies when your broken heart is still bleeding all over the place. For you, the "friends" scenario is a losing, and probably humiliating, proposition. I'm sure it aches to think of burning that bridge, but doing so will speed your healing.

The happiest in love among my friends have been the ones who approached their love life with a sense of purpose - they knew who they were, they began dating or courting only when they were ready to find a wife, and they knew at the outset what basic qualities they were looking for and what things were automatic deal-breakers. Without exception, those men (and a couple of ladies) are now happily married to somebody awesome. Maybe it's not too late for such an approach to work for your future?

Thanks for all the comments. Just pray for God's help in the healing within my heart and mind. Thank you.Will do, brother. Be blessed.

in peace
faithmyeyes