Desperately seeking relationship advice

[brokengirl]

I've been with my boyfriend 8 months. I had just gotten out of an engagement before we met. I tried not to get attached, but I did, into one serious relationship right after another. Everything was bliss at first. He was "perfect". I was "perfect". (To each other of course, not literally) I was so in love. So was he. I thought man, I dodged a bullet with that last guy, because THIS one is the one. Until this point I had been a virgin, and planned on saving myself for marriage. For one reason or another, we messed up. I'm not going to try and defend my decision, because I know it was wrong. And it was exactly that, a decision. But at first I was okay. I didn't really see what the big deal was. Then I thought man, we should have waited...But in my mind, I still felt semi-okay, because I knew he was going to be the one I married anyway. I felt bad about doing it early, but atleast I knew he would still be the only one. We get to know each other better and some new things come up. We find out we werent completely honest in the beginning (shocker!). We start fighting, a lot. A few times a week, huge, blowout fights. No violence, but lots of yelling. We come close to breaking up a few times, but always resolve to work it out. We always say what we have is worth fighting for. We have good times and bad. But I've come to realize the bad outweighs the good. Every time we fight, we don't just fight about what is bothering us at the moment, but we rehash every single old fight we've ever had, and it turns into literal hours of fighting. Lately we've even resorted to making personal blows at each others character. I don't feel like he's in love with me, even though he says he is. I don't feel like I'm in love with him even though I say I am. As much as I feel we would both be better off without each other, I also feel stuck. I gave my virginity to this man. Now I really really regret it. I feel like I can't break up with him. I feel like I can't have slept with someone, and leave them. It's wrong. And it is, but it's because I wasn't supposed to do it until I was married. I know that. Can someone please give me some advice on this? I don't have to stay with him and be miserable forever because of what we did do I?
If it helps...One of the things we fight about are church, he doesn't want to go, he doesn't like christians, (even though in the beginning he told me he was one) (and now he is saying just be patient and some day he will be a good christian and in church...but how can i wait for that??)
I'm sorry this was long....But I would appreciate anything you can tell me. Does this sound like proper grounds for a break up? Is it ok to break up with him even though we slept together? Will any real good christian boy love me even though i made this mistake?

[DaniHansen]

We're all broken in one way or another and we all have things on our record that we wish we rather hadn't done.

Instead of focusing on this relationship, why don't you focus on your relationship with God, first of all? Evidently, this young man's relationship with the Lord is lacking, as is yours (as much as it pains me to say that), and so your only recourse is to ask forgiveness from God for jumping the gun and being impatient instead of waiting and being prudent, and then ask Him to show you what to do, moving forward. If I was you, I would remove myself from the relationship and the situation until I can sort things out in my own head and heart. We often allow ourselves to become entangled with other people in a way that makes us toss precautions into the wind ("but I'm so in love, you don't understand!" ... yes honey, yes I do, believe me), and then later when the bricks fly towards our heads and the wake-up calls come and reality rears its ugly head, we sit there and wonder what happened. Well, you need to figure out exactly what happened, and how it happend, and what it is within yourself that made you take that path to regret. So that you can learn from it and history doesn't repeat itself, over and over again.

Obviously, nobody is going to make you stay in this relationship without there being a marriage bond. But obviously you also now understand why God admonishes us to wait with these things until we are in a marriage relationship with a person who loves and respects us for who we are and who can treat us as God would command us to treat one another, and be committed to one another, before we toss our bodies in to the mix.

[My_King]

Yes, you messed up. Yes, you should have waited until you were married. God tells us to wait for this VERY REASON, so His children, whom He loves so much He allowed HIS own son to die for, would not have to go through this pain and anguish you're in right now.

HOWEVER - God also forgives.

Have you repented?

It's not too late to ask God to forgive you. Inform this man you're taking some time to renew your relationship with the Lord and become a spiritual virgin, again. It's not literal, of course, you can't physically go back in time and be a virgin. But you CAN rededicate your sexuality to the Lord and have HIM be the LORD over your future relationships.

Deciding what to do NOW can and might have an impact on your future marriage. Don't forget - there WILL come a time and date that you'll have to explain to your future spouse your past sexual activities.......

I feel like I can't break up with him. I feel like I can't have slept with someone, and leave them. It's wrong. And it is, but it's because I wasn't supposed to do it until I was married. I know that. Can someone please give me some advice on this? I don't have to stay with him and be miserable forever because of what we did do I?

What is "wrong" is sleeping with someone you're not married to. What is "wrong" is to marry someone who is unequally yoked to you. God told us not to do this for a reason. Again, because He loves us.

I'm praying for you..........

[PictCry]

this is something I learned the hard way, if you know your marriage will lead to divorce is it probably better to break up now. I know how hard it must be for you and so confusing. I have known quite a few Christian people who have done the same thing and been in similar circumstances...and unfortuanely I don't believe that any of the relationships worked out. I will post this on here, I had asked a question about when relationships and people messing up. Here is what my friend ScruffyKid said...it might help

---Quote (Originally by PictCry)---
I wonder..what if there is someone who was in a love realtionship but it wasn't
right? One of the members was a devout Christian and the other was a Christian
but with different, stranger ideas and beliefs. Well if they "did things" but
did not have sex..and then broke up and moved on...Would either of them be
commiting adultry if they got married to the one God wanted them to marry later
on? There is those verses about Adultry. SO I was wondering what they would say
according to scripture. And if they would not be commiting adultry with after
they were married to someone else why not?:blush:

*Getting Clear about what you are saying*

As I understand your question you are giving background, and asking a specific
question:
*(1) The background situation.* A man and woman (neither of them married to
another person at the time) in a loving relationship interacted pretty freely,
sexually -- heavy petting, or perhaps intimate touching or unclothed embraces --
but did not engage in sexual intercourse.
*(2) Your question.* Later, after they broke up, one of the people wants to
marry another person. Your question concerns Jesus' saying that to marry
someone divorced involves one in adultery; and you want to know is it forbidden
by Scripture, then, for one of these people, later, to marry (some third
person).
Sorry to be so pedantic and explicit, but it seemed to me that most of those
replying were not actually grasping what you said, and I wanted to make sure
that I correctly understood both the situation and your question about it.

*How Marriage, Fornication, and Adultery are Understood, or Defined*

With respect to the prior situation, ordinarily the word "fornication" refers to
sexual intercourse, or perhaps (less commonly) oral or manual stimulation of the
sexual organs to climax. While you are not exact about what happened, I would
guess that what you describe was not fornication, but was a kind of sexual
uncleanness. The Bible actually does not have a specific word for
"fornication." There is a word for adultery, but the other word is the general
term "porneia" which means sexual wrongdoing or uncleanness.

In any case, marriage is defined not just by sexual intercourse taking place,
but by sexual intercourse in the context of a commitment to a permanent
relationship, at least. In most cases, "living together", by itself, wouldn't
necessarily constitute marriage -- although after a number of years, and were
living in a common household, and especially if there are children -- it might
be understood that way (which, in English and American law would be called a
"common law marriage").

Therefore, _even if the parties had engaged in sexual intercourse_, then --
according to the way that Christians (the Church) has understood the biblical
teaching historically -- _they still would not have been married_. In fact, if
they had come under conviction about that, most Christians would have said --
and they probably would have felt -- that the two of them were "living in sin"
and ought to stop that right away, and decide whether to get married or not.

*The Practical Implications for the Question You Asked*

Accordingly, even if a person regards marriage as indissoluable (not able to be
dissolved) -- and Christians are divided on this point, though on the face that
is what Jesus seems to be saying -- *the previous relationship would not be a
marriage to which either party was bound*, and *thus there would be no bar, no
barrier, to either party later finding another person, and marrying that
person.*

*Other Issues Which Seem To Come Up in Your Post*

Various people who have posted seem to be very eager to inform you that, even if
there was no sexual intercourse, what you were doing was seriously wrong. They
say things like "This is serious, not 'just messing up'"

Of course, it's very important to take sexual purity seriously, and to take what
God says about what we may or may not do in matters of family, marriage, and sex
very seriously.

*The Basic Situation*

Nevertheless, to me some of the responses seem to be somewhat oblique to (not
directly relevant to) the actual situation you are describing, because it seems
to me from your post that you are already very sad about what was done in the
past. You are weeping over what was done, your little emoticon says, and to
drive that home your screen name is "PictCry". In other words, you are mourning
that you got into the degree of sexual intimacy that you did, even though it
wasn't (if I understood right) actual fornication. And you're mourning about
how that may have messed up your future, and your future with one whom you now
love -- and that's the one who, you think, is the one God has chosen for you.

Let's just pause there for a second.

*We are all sinners;
and God in mercy and Grace, touches our hearts and heals us!!*

The fact is that -- just like me and every other member of this board -- you are
a sinner. That sinfulness is more than just particular misdeeds: it's a whole
wrong orientation, in which we are willing to abandon what we know is right, or
talk ourselves temporarily into telling ourselves it doesn't matter -- an
orientation in which our hearts are set on what we want, not on what God wants,
an orientation in which we are selfish, rather than filled with thanks and love
to God, and real self-disciplined lover toward other people. All that would be
true whether you had got into a too-physical relationship with someone you were
fond of or not.

Our sins, and the general selfish, and deaf-to-God way we often go around living
even apart from particular sins, arise from our bad hearts -- your wrecked and
sinful human nature and mine -- and these specific sins also wreck us up
further. Actually, we don't have the power to get ourselves unscrambled,
disentangled, from harmful things that are inside us, and these things then harm
us further. :cry: :cry: :cry:

But fortunately, God loves us :kiss: each -- loves you, individually, and the
people you've known, and even me -- very generously, and very intensely. Thus,
God has come to us, in Jesus Christ our Lord, to bear our sins, to transform our
hearts, and to give us, increasingly, the power to live for Him, and according
to His ways.

Now in the middle of this whole process you did something really dumb and
destructive, as you've told us. First off, God loves you, and the person you
did this with, very much. And also, second, in your rather bad deeds and in the
extra brokenness that comes your way because you did them, God loves you still,
and intends your life to be a good one, although perhaps a tough one in various
ways.

*Your tears, all our tears, are a good thing, which God gives us
To help us draw closer to Him*

Further, third, God in His great kindness has placed in your heart a lot of
sorrow about what you did in this case. This is a great gift, and something
that shows God's continuing love for you!

Jesus says "blessed are those who mourn!" (Matt. 5:4) While in part Jesus may
be stating that all who are in pain and trouble or sadness have hope in God, I
think His main point is that it is blessed when we are sad about the sin and
brokenness of this world, and of our own lives. It's a great gift!!

So I think you have cause, in an odd way, to be thankful over the grief you feel
about what went wrong in the past, for this is God's way of summoning us to
understand His great mercy and love for us, sinners, and also His way of helping
us to be very serious about seeking to follow Him in every aspect of our heart
and being. Our sorrow over our sins, or the sins of the world about us, unites
us to Jesus's sorrow and the pain He endured to wash away our sins, and bring us
to God, and to transform us that we might walk with Him, and care most about
God's kingdom, and about those who are in need, and those who are far from Him.


*The final upshot for you (as I understand it)*

The way this works out is good -- and I am grateful for it.

For as I understand, from what I understand of what you've said, you are free to
marry the one you now desire to marry, and whom you believe God has chosen for
you. Praise God!!

Your sorrow about the past should not weigh you down, but give you thanks and
joy that (despite your foolishness) God loves you (as He does me, despite my
sins) and also has gotten you to a place where you may go on to a good Christian
marriage. Thanks be to God!

Yet your sorrow about the past is proper, and not a bad thing. Mingled with
thanks to God, it should teach us -- for each of us has done bad things that we
mourn -- how much we want to seek God's ways, and give our lives and
relationships over to Him in thanks. My sorrow about things that I've done
wrong is helping me to love God more for His great compassion and help, and
above all for the way that Jesus bore our sorrows, and our sins, and heals us!
It makes me more compassionate for others who are in trouble, or who have done
wrong.

We can have ongoing sorrow over the fact that we've messed up, and the fact that
our basic attitudes are often selfish and self-willed, together with joy at
God's love and help. These things give us thankfulness and joy, and also a deep
motivation to live, henceforth, for Him.

This will help you in your new relationship -- the marriage you are looking
towards -- also. We all carry into our families and marriages various problems
and bad attitudes. Entering with a keen awareness both of the need to forgive
one another, and of our own need to grow and change in difficult ways, can
really help us a lot.


Blessings upon you, dear one!!

Please forgive me if I have said too much, or have not rightly understood your
situation and your question.

I started trying to understand as well as I could, and this is what came out.

May God bless you!!

In friendship,
Scruffy Kid :hug:

---End Quote---