sublimeone
Jun 2nd 2009, 04:26 PM
I have been married for approx 2.5 years. I have been a Christian for about 1.5 years and my wife claims to have been one for about a year. Since the beginning of our marriage we have endured some very stressful times. I started a business that has grown quite rapidly and along with it brought a lot of stress. My wife has had some health issues, possibly lupus, my business partner had a psychological break-down and has not fully recovered after 1.5 years, we moved, my wife's work has been extremely stressful as well. Bottom line is we have had a ton of stress in our lives since we got married and two stressed out people are not a good fit.
My wife was often nagging and admits to being purposefully argumentative. She didn't come from the greatest family and I often see her mothers defiance come through in her attitude. Sometimes I felt like I was dealing with a teenage girl as opposed to a 27 year old.
I was withdrawn from her a lot. It was probably a combination of me being stressed out due to work and her poor attitude/constant arguing etc... She wasn't supportive at all and is VERY selfish.
Approx 6 months into our marriage she began an affair that was off and on for 8-9 months. I found out about it and she was very remorseful etc... The person she had the affair with is what most people would consider a 'loser.' She said she wasn't interested in the sexual nature of it at all and that she actually hated it. What she needed was someone to talk to (she doesn't really have any good friends and isn't close with her family so she doesn't have many people to talk to). Someone who would basically worship her, who she could give attitude to and call as much as she wanted or not call at all. Someone who she could vent to and use without giving much in return. I should mention that she's very attractive, this is why she finds guys willing to put up with this.
We reconciled, but unfortunately, I didn't change anything. We didn't get any counseling, I was still focused on work, and on top of it all I now had trust issues with her which came out in nasty comments from time to time.
Fast forward 4 or 5 months and she moves out. She admits that she's having another affair. She refuses to try and work things out, accepts no blame, and basically continues this relationship without concern that we are still married. This is another 'loser' type guy, an even bigger loser than the first one.
The reason I think it's important to mention that the guy's are 'losers' is because I don't think she's trying to 'upgrade.' I think she loves me and would prefer to get this attention from me and we probably never would have had these problems if we would have been focused on God and had better priorities in our lives.
So the second affair has been going on for approx 3 months. All of the sudden, last week, she tells me she hit rock-bottom. She finally realizes that everything was her fault. That she made it impossible for me to give her what she needed. That she was always looking outside but never inside, that she's pushed God away and ignored doing the right things in life, she's tired of fighting with God etc...Basically she ended the affair and now she's begging for forgiveness and wants to try and reconcile.
I don't know what to do. I absolutely love this girl. I don't know why exactly, given everything that's been done to me, but I love her so much, and when things are going well I enjoy her company more than anyone in the entire world. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can trust her. If I knew with certainty that she would never do this again I would take her back in a second, but how can I trust someone who has had two affairs in two years?
To top it all off, I met with my Christian therapist yesterday to talk about reconciling with her. We came up with a plan, some ways to help strengthen our marriage etc...I call my wife to tell her I may be considering reconciliation and get a very weird vibe from her. I start asking her questions and her answers don't make sense. She finally admits she's with the guy at a restaurant and that she stepped outside to talk to me. She says he's absolutely heart broken and she felt so bad that she agreed to talk to him at a restaurant after work and explain why she has to end the affair. She says she feels so guilty that she's hurt so many people etc...
After she admitted this to me I felt like nothing really changed. It was the same lying and manipulation that I had been through before. I also couldn't help but notice that the instant I was about to let her back into my life all these red flags started smacking me in the face.
I just don't know what to do. I've prayed about it but I seem to have so many conflicting feelings. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
My wife was often nagging and admits to being purposefully argumentative. She didn't come from the greatest family and I often see her mothers defiance come through in her attitude. Sometimes I felt like I was dealing with a teenage girl as opposed to a 27 year old.
I was withdrawn from her a lot. It was probably a combination of me being stressed out due to work and her poor attitude/constant arguing etc... She wasn't supportive at all and is VERY selfish.
Approx 6 months into our marriage she began an affair that was off and on for 8-9 months. I found out about it and she was very remorseful etc... The person she had the affair with is what most people would consider a 'loser.' She said she wasn't interested in the sexual nature of it at all and that she actually hated it. What she needed was someone to talk to (she doesn't really have any good friends and isn't close with her family so she doesn't have many people to talk to). Someone who would basically worship her, who she could give attitude to and call as much as she wanted or not call at all. Someone who she could vent to and use without giving much in return. I should mention that she's very attractive, this is why she finds guys willing to put up with this.
We reconciled, but unfortunately, I didn't change anything. We didn't get any counseling, I was still focused on work, and on top of it all I now had trust issues with her which came out in nasty comments from time to time.
Fast forward 4 or 5 months and she moves out. She admits that she's having another affair. She refuses to try and work things out, accepts no blame, and basically continues this relationship without concern that we are still married. This is another 'loser' type guy, an even bigger loser than the first one.
The reason I think it's important to mention that the guy's are 'losers' is because I don't think she's trying to 'upgrade.' I think she loves me and would prefer to get this attention from me and we probably never would have had these problems if we would have been focused on God and had better priorities in our lives.
So the second affair has been going on for approx 3 months. All of the sudden, last week, she tells me she hit rock-bottom. She finally realizes that everything was her fault. That she made it impossible for me to give her what she needed. That she was always looking outside but never inside, that she's pushed God away and ignored doing the right things in life, she's tired of fighting with God etc...Basically she ended the affair and now she's begging for forgiveness and wants to try and reconcile.
I don't know what to do. I absolutely love this girl. I don't know why exactly, given everything that's been done to me, but I love her so much, and when things are going well I enjoy her company more than anyone in the entire world. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can trust her. If I knew with certainty that she would never do this again I would take her back in a second, but how can I trust someone who has had two affairs in two years?
To top it all off, I met with my Christian therapist yesterday to talk about reconciling with her. We came up with a plan, some ways to help strengthen our marriage etc...I call my wife to tell her I may be considering reconciliation and get a very weird vibe from her. I start asking her questions and her answers don't make sense. She finally admits she's with the guy at a restaurant and that she stepped outside to talk to me. She says he's absolutely heart broken and she felt so bad that she agreed to talk to him at a restaurant after work and explain why she has to end the affair. She says she feels so guilty that she's hurt so many people etc...
After she admitted this to me I felt like nothing really changed. It was the same lying and manipulation that I had been through before. I also couldn't help but notice that the instant I was about to let her back into my life all these red flags started smacking me in the face.
I just don't know what to do. I've prayed about it but I seem to have so many conflicting feelings. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.