My relationship with my church in CRISIS!

[Temari-Sensei]

Please alow me to first introduce myself so that you can get a good idea of the situation I'm in. I'm 15 years old, living in a relatively stable family of 6. We move a lot because my father in a minister/pastor so we go to various churches for a while and move when it's God's call.

Our problem is that at the church we are (or rather "were") at our current pastor just recently left. My father was the minister there and we did wonderfully in that church except there was one problem.
Our church had a constitution, but because of the major decrease in members of the church it hasn't been kept up with in a LONG TIME. The day that our pastor resigned, my father asked to go to his house to talk about the issues with the constitution and he went, talked, and left. Everything was fine, until the Tuesday following that Sunday that he left. My father received an e-mail that was so astounding that I didn't want to believe it. Our pastor accused my father of EMBARRASSING the pastor in front of the pastor's family. He said that my father was trying to take over the church and all kinds of things that were completely and totally false.
My father replied asking what was going on, but was only responded with more hate. I have actually read the letters, but do not wish to share the exact contents for security reasons, but I'll let you know that my father intended NONE of what he was accused. Finally, my father sent an "apology" letter the pastor saying that he'd like to apologize for any unnecessary hurt he may have caused him, intentional or not. The next Sunday, my father was confronted by two men from our church accusing my father of horrible things he would never do. They were supposed to be men of God, but their words held nothing but bitterness.

Everyday we came to church we feared of being confronted again. My father was angry from false accusations, and who wouldn't be?! It was righteous anger. About two weeks after the incedint, we have a business meeting. A letter is given at the very end of the meeting. It is from our pastor, his official resignation letter. I was expecting it to have some sort of apology to my father... but I was wrong, it was 7 pages of lies and bitterness. I knew my pastor for about 6 months, but I had no idea he was capable of spreading such hate, AND to the entire church that was attending the business meeting! I almost wanted to cry, not only for my father, but for the pastor and what he might be going through.

About a week or two later, we get the news of my last grandparent's death. We are all devastated and immediately leave to house on the long 8 hour trip to where our family lives. We return from our family about a week after the death and funeral, just in time to go to Wednesday night service. We didn't even have enough time to go home before we got back to our state, we just drove straight to church. They were having a business meeting that day and in the middle my father hands a very short letter to a woman leading the meeting. It was a letter of resignation. We were no longer going to be going to that church following that next Sunday. I was just as surprised as everyone in the room, but somewhat relieved. I was glad that our family would do no more unintentional harm to the church, but it was still sad that I would only be able to return once, the following Sunday, and I have yet to go back.

We are now looking for a new church and my father is looking to pastoring again.
I post this because I'm looking for words of comfort and advice through my times. My father said that he has been in worse situations before, but I have never seen any such thing. Thank you for any kind words and God bless.

p.s. I would also like to add that I have already forgiven my pastor for what he has done. Every last bit. I hold no bitterness toward him, only pity for what he must have gone through.

[Moxie]

Hi Temari,

Welcome to the board. When you get a chance please feel free to introduce yourself to others.

Your father's situation is not unique, unfortunately. Our pastor says, "when church is good....its really good......when church is bad its really really bad". In fact, he tells a story of when the church he attended at 15 years old had such conflict that the stress sent him to the ER. This is a difficult time for you because you are of the age where you are beginning to understand relationships, how people should treat one another and you are aware of how these emotions are affecting your family.

But, do know your parents and God are still the ones in control of the situation. Sometimes situations like this arise in order to weed people out or to prune others. What I mean by this, some situations God brings about that will cause the weeds to be discarded from His garden. Other situations are brought about in order to move people or to create change (pruning) this helps us to grow and to be more fruitful. This may be the situation in your father's case. It could be that God wants him to grow, or he is needed in another place. Sometimes we don't know why things occur but even in the midst of that we need to trust in God. Ephesians 3:20 tells us that God can do imaginably more that we can even imagine. He is good. He will never leave you or forsake you or your family. In emotional situations like this you may find anger, bitterness creeping up. Keep giving it to God and forgiving. Keep your heart pure; don't let Satan grab hold of this situation and turn it to his advantage. Remember God is in control. Ain't it great. :pp

[Twin2]

You sound so mature for a fifteen year old. I mean that in a good way of course. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I think Moxie gave you some good advice especially the last part "Keep giving it to God and forgiving. Keep your heart pure; don't let Satan grab hold of this situation and turn it to his advantage. Remember God is in control. Ain't it great".

My former pastor used to say "Church hurts are the worst hurts" and he was right. I think it's because you believe so much in the people you worship with, that you just don't see it coming. You'd expect it from the world, not the congregation of God.

The best thing you, and your family can do is to continue to grow in the Lord. He will comfort you. He will lead you to the next place he wants you to be. He can even put you in a place to where you are happier there than you ever were at the previous place. I know from experience.

We went through a church split ten years ago. We had been in that church for sixteen years. My husband was a deacon and the Sunday School Superintendent. I taught the teen girls Sunday school class. We felt that we had the love and respect of the congregation. Our pastor left amidst a scandal. Another pastor was elected from within the congregation. Prior to the scandal, my husband was friends with this new pastor. After he became pastor, things seemed to change. In our hearts, we felt we needed to stay at this church to keep it from going under. After all, God started the work and we didn't want to see it destroyed by scandal. We did our best to support the new pastor and his family, even though a lot of the rules seemed to be changing with their new leadership. People started to come to my husband, as a deacon, with their concerns with the changes. Particularly, there were elders coming to him, concerned about a couple of people being used to perform functions in the pulpit area. Those people, most felt, were not saved and should not be used to conduct church duties. My husband wasn't telling this pastor what to do. He didn't come at him with strife. He went to him as a deacon, and a friend, to discuss the matter and the concern from several rooted church members. My husband was verbally attacked, accused of trying to take over the church. That was the furthest from his mind. He truly was trying to work under the new Pastor, not against him. My husband felt he was where God wanted him in the church and was not trying to be Pastor. Well, the following Sunday, the Pastor and his family were very cold to my family. When it came time to dismiss the children to Sunday School, three of the five Sunday School teachers, remained in the congregation. When I went downstairs to teach Sunday School, none of my students showed up. I don't know how they did it behind our backs, but none of the Sunday School students went to class that day after my husband dismissed the congregation to Sunday School. The three other Sunday School teachers were all members of the Pastor's family and had decided they would boycott our Sunday School leadership. I went to my husband. We were devestated, but we kept silent in the congregation. The following Sunday was the same. We had already decided during the week that we would attend that Sunday morning, and give notice to the Pastor and his wife after Church. We would not say anything to the congregation because we didn't want to further discredit the pastor. We loved this church and many people had already left. We didn't want to see it destroyed, and especially not at our hand. We gave them our notice in person and in writing, told them we loved them, but we felt God was moving us on. Nothing was ever said about the accusations towards my husband, or the way they treated us with the Sunday School program. They never offered up one apology either. Sixteen years of working together for the Lord, and fellowship meant nothing to them.

We had no idea where we were going. We had not really considered leaving before all of this. We purposed ourselves to try to support that pastor and try to hold together what was left of the congregation. The thing was, we loved the former pastor and his wife, despite the scandal. The people who left were dear to us as well. We basically were mourning our loss. When we prayed, we couldn't get past those deep disappointments. I remember every time I tried to pray, I would go back to those events over and over and i would cry and cry. I couldn't seem to pray about anything, just weep. I felt like this was interfering with my salvation. When all of that happened with the accusations to my husband and the Sunday school incident, we started to pray for direction. We weren't even sure the Lord was allowing us to leave, or we were doing it of our own accord. It was only natural to want to leave because apparantly we weren't wanted there. We felt we didn't have a choice, so we left. I thought we would have to visit many, many churches just to find one to attend. I didn't expect to find where God wanted us for months. We visited another church and felt such a presence of God. We prayed about this with a visiting evangelist and there was a move of the Holy Ghost. Finally, my husband and I felt peace about leaving the other church and felt while God was releasing us to leave the other church, he was calling us there. We hadn't even heard the regular pastor preach.

Ten years later, we are friends with that visiting evangelist. We have a wonderful church family. We have a pastor and his wife that love their congregation. We have learned so much from these people about serving the Lord that we just weren't learning in the other church ever. I'm not sure if the teaching wasn't there or if we just weren't open to it. I tend to think it wasn't there. All I know for sure, is we are where God wants us. I'm amazed at the way those people pray together. Just a little side note, many of the people that left the other church before us, have found their way to this church within the last five years. We didn't bring them. God did. They had spent the years trying church after church until they found ours. God has brought all these families back together again. He's moved in our lives and gave us more than we had before.

Sorry, this got long. I just wanted to share our story, because you are not the only ones to be falsely accused in the work of the Lord. It happens. God's people have to remember to follow him and not their own hearts. When a people stop listening to God, it's not gonna work. We can't go by emotion. We have to truly seek out God's will, especially concerning his work. Our actions should not go against the teachings of the Bible, as were the actions of our former pastor and your former pastor. I hope somehow my story encourages you and your family to find God's next calling for you. He can give you peace about the old, and restore everything you had and more with the new. May God bless you and your family as you seek out his will.

[Temari-Sensei]

New news. It turns out that my dad has filled out a resume to possible preach at a different church... in a different state. If he gets the job then that means that we'll have to move again. We're going to visit it this weekend.

I also found out that the church is trying to hire their old preacher back. It's painful to hear that news, but it's not any of my business anymore.


wish me luck in my travels,
God bless

[moonglow]

New news. It turns out that my dad has filled out a resume to possible preach at a different church... in a different state. If he gets the job then that means that we'll have to move again. We're going to visit it this weekend.

I also found out that the church is trying to hire their old preacher back. It's painful to hear that news, but it's not any of my business anymore.


wish me luck in my travels,
God bless

I can't say I fully understood what your dad resigned from since there was a pastor there and he wasn't the pastor, but I guess if it were me, I would not have gone back after the first accusation or subjected my family to that as it can hurt their faith. I didn't understand why he kept going back when this was going on or even having you go back and be exposed to that. :confused

When I was a teenager I saw my step-dad, a pastor, go through some terrible things in a church too and I know how painful it can be. I pray you guys find a church home where you can stay and not have to constantly move too and one that is truly grounded in the Lord.

God bless

[Temari-Sensei]

I can't say I fully understood what your dad resigned from since there was a pastor there and he wasn't the pastor, but I guess if it were me, I would not have gone back after the first accusation or subjected my family to that as it can hurt their faith. I didn't understand why he kept going back when this was going on or even having you go back and be exposed to that. :confused

When I was a teenager I saw my step-dad, a pastor, go through some terrible things in a church too and I know how painful it can be. I pray you guys find a church home where you can stay and not have to constantly move too and one that is truly grounded in the Lord.

God bless

Sorry, sorry, I just realized that my new post was made unclear. It is the "old" church that is hiring the the other pastor back, the church that we quite from. The new church is not trying to get thier old preacher back,lol. Sorry for the misunderstanding!

[moonglow]

Sorry, sorry, I just realized that my new post was made unclear. It is the "old" church that is hiring the the other pastor back, the church that we quite from. The new church is not trying to get thier old preacher back,lol. Sorry for the misunderstanding!

Ok but what job did your dad resign from? That was the part I didn't understand since they had a pastor...he was obviously not a pastor himself...yet you said he was...see the confusion?


God bless

[Temari-Sensei]

Ok but what job did your dad resign from? That was the part I didn't understand since they had a pastor...he was obviously not a pastor himself...yet you said he was...see the confusion?


God bless

Well, it's kinda hard to explain. My dad kinda has a lot of different jobs and can have a lot more if he wants to. He was the minister at our old church, but he is certified to be a preacher if he wants to be. He has been a substitute preacher before, and I've herd him, he's very good.

He is currently working as a band director/busdriver at our school, but he might resign if that is the call.

[Sea Pony]

My goodness you are well spoken.

Anyway, I would like to tell you about a man I knew who became a pastor who was one of the most flawed people I have ever known in the profession.

This man was a good communicator and an intelligent person, who constantly struggled with darkness within himself. He would tear people apart when they were not around. He worked hard to undermine colleagues and elevate his own personal image at work and in his ministry. When he felt threatened by someone, his actions made it seem as if he saw them doing and saying things that they never said or did, as if his fear was making him see things that were not there.

I know in his heart he wanted to help people, but his desire may have come out of his personal desire to hold sway over hearts and minds more than his desire to bring people closer to Jesus.

Perhaps this pastor suffered from the same affliction / character flaw? That was God's burden to give and it will be His to take away. Maybe your prayers will help!

Hope this little story has helped you...

[turtledove]

Oh, yes, human weakness is ever present in congregations. This pastor was resigning, most likely feeling vulnerable, and apparantly he misunderstood your father's intentions somehow. But it probably goes back much further than that. It does sound like he tried to put undeserved blame on your father.

Obviously the pastor had a personal issue to get right with God. I am wondering if it was wise to have led a congregation away from their original constitution and guidelines. It does sound like that had something to do with what happened. And I am guessing (only speculating) that your father was trying to get back to a pattern of stability.

It is sad that your father was brought to resigning but understandable that he would decide to leave this congregation. He does sound like he has a caring, pastoral heart, and because of that the Lord will lead him into another ministry in another place. It won't be easy for him or any in your family to start over..but with your support and unity you, as a family, can do it!

My prayers for your father to find the right place in which to serve and that you can all continue to forgive those who misunderstood the situation and may your father yet be able to resolve any lingering conflicts over this as the Lord does lead him..and gives him favor and grace to do so.

Thank for sharing this with us here. You seem to have some good insights into it and are obviously supportive of your father. Lots of love in your family! You are blessed and a blessing! It is so encouraging for me to read your comments about this. Be encouraged that the Lord is with you and your family in whatever lies ahead.

:hug:turtledove :pray: