My husband is addicted to porn. Where do I go from here?

[catannfrancia]

I've known for years that he is addicted. Before we were christians we both would watch it together. For the last about 3 years I've been letting him know that I think it is wrong and he needs to stop. We were living in sin for several years and he would not touch me for months at a time. When I approached him about it he said he was sorry and he would try to do better and that things would change when we got married and he said that he masturbated to porn because it's just a lazy way to satisfy himself. We have been married three years now in August and we still don't have sex as often as I'd like maybe twice a month at the most. I am at my wits end with this! I caught him in the act a few days ago because everytime before I would accuse him of it and he would say he wasn't doing it anymore. He told me he knows it's wrong but he also told me that he doesn't know if he can stop. He is a pastors son, we both sing every sunday in church. We both have done some changing in our lives but this is one major problem he can't seem to let go. I pray for us and God knows everything of course but does God want me to leave him do I wait for a sign on my next move? I don't know what to do.He hasn't spoken to me in 3 days...do I leave for awhile and hope he comes around...do I stay and bear it some more...I just don't know.

[cheech]

I have to go out but I will return to address this as I understand your situation.

[The Mighty Sword]

I've known for years that he is addicted. Before we were christians we both would watch it together. For the last about 3 years I've been letting him know that I think it is wrong and he needs to stop. We were living in sin for several years and he would not touch me for months at a time. When I approached him about it he said he was sorry and he would try to do better and that things would change when we got married and he said that he masturbated to porn because it's just a lazy way to satisfy himself. We have been married three years now in August and we still don't have sex as often as I'd like maybe twice a month at the most. I am at my wits end with this! I caught him in the act a few days ago because everytime before I would accuse him of it and he would say he wasn't doing it anymore. He told me he knows it's wrong but he also told me that he doesn't know if he can stop. He is a pastors son, we both sing every sunday in church. We both have done some changing in our lives but this is one major problem he can't seem to let go. I pray for us and God knows everything of course but does God want me to leave him do I wait for a sign on my next move? I don't know what to do.He hasn't spoken to me in 3 days...do I leave for awhile and hope he comes around...do I stay and bear it some more...I just don't know.

Bring family into the picture, and expose the sin, what's done in the dark has to be exposed to the light, shame, dishonoring you and himself must be exploited for his sake, it's a sickness that the enemy has lied to him about.

[andrew_no_one]

Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 1 Corinthians 6:8-10

Stress to him how important this is! I am praying.

[HisLeast]

I've known for years that he is addicted. Before we were christians we both would watch it together. For the last about 3 years I've been letting him know that I think it is wrong and he needs to stop. We were living in sin for several years and he would not touch me for months at a time. When I approached him about it he said he was sorry and he would try to do better and that things would change when we got married and he said that he masturbated to porn because it's just a lazy way to satisfy himself. We have been married three years now in August and we still don't have sex as often as I'd like maybe twice a month at the most. I am at my wits end with this! I caught him in the act a few days ago because everytime before I would accuse him of it and he would say he wasn't doing it anymore. He told me he knows it's wrong but he also told me that he doesn't know if he can stop. He is a pastors son, we both sing every sunday in church. We both have done some changing in our lives but this is one major problem he can't seem to let go. I pray for us and God knows everything of course but does God want me to leave him do I wait for a sign on my next move? I don't know what to do.He hasn't spoken to me in 3 days...do I leave for awhile and hope he comes around...do I stay and bear it some more...I just don't know.

You've got to be strong and demand more action than just the status quo. I can't tell you if that means leaving for a while or not though... but a line in the sand is sometimes the only thing that will convince a person.

It was the only thing that convinced me. My fiance at the time told me she wouldn't see me any more until I promised to get therapy. I've never made so many phone calls so quickly in all my life.

[Twin2]

I do agree that a line in the sand can make a person revaluate their condition and change for the better. I'm not sure here though. The problem with leaving, or even suggesting leaving, is that sometimes it's one more hurdle to get over should you be wanting a way back. I wouldn't say if you should stay or go, you really have to pray and seek the Lord's guidance for this one.

Will your husband go to christian counseling with you? In order to end this, your husband has to be willing to take it to the Lord seeking deliverance.

[cheech]

I've known for years that he is addicted. Before we were christians we both would watch it together. For the last about 3 years I've been letting him know that I think it is wrong and he needs to stop. We were living in sin for several years and he would not touch me for months at a time. When I approached him about it he said he was sorry and he would try to do better and that things would change when we got married and he said that he masturbated to porn because it's just a lazy way to satisfy himself. We have been married three years now in August and we still don't have sex as often as I'd like maybe twice a month at the most. I am at my wits end with this! I caught him in the act a few days ago because everytime before I would accuse him of it and he would say he wasn't doing it anymore. He told me he knows it's wrong but he also told me that he doesn't know if he can stop. He is a pastors son, we both sing every sunday in church. We both have done some changing in our lives but this is one major problem he can't seem to let go. I pray for us and God knows everything of course but does God want me to leave him do I wait for a sign on my next move? I don't know what to do.He hasn't spoken to me in 3 days...do I leave for awhile and hope he comes around...do I stay and bear it some more...I just don't know.

Being a Pastor's son then he knows about strongholds and this is what he has...lust and masturbation. These two strongholds are very strong but nothing is too powerful for God to remove. I went through this for 20 years with my own husband until he began to walk with Christ. Christ delivered him from both. Your husband has to really want to give this up and only God knows his heart. I know how you feel though and I'm sure it makes you feel not good enough in the eyes of your husband. What I can tell you is you have to look past the man and what you are seeing and really look at what's behind him doing this. This is a spiritual thing. He needs to really sit and think about why he does it...why he's addicted to the pornography and masturbation. What is he trying to fill? Many times this goes back to our childhood (as many things do). Right now the enemy has a veil before his eyes which makes him feel he needs this. This is where you become affected by his stronghold...unworthiness, lack of trust, anger, etc. Sad to say it's a vicious cycle because then he will react on your emotions.

So, what do you do? First, you don't leave him. Biblically you are only suppose to get divorced due to physical adultery. Leaving in hopes he will come around won't work either...when you have an addiction it's not that easy to give up. This is something you have to take to God. HE has to take it to God. HE has to begin surrendering it to God. I know he's a Pastor's son but he needs Pastoral counseling as well. The first step in healing is confessing the sin to the Lord. Next is surrendering to the Lord. Believe me when I say both my husband and I have had to learn alot about surrendering. People don't realize just how well it works. I had many insecurities that I thought I'd never get rid of...they were strong but I had to surrender each of them every day sometimes several times a day. When my husband would have lustful thoughts he had to surrender the thoughts to God. Your husband has to fight the tempting thoughts with scripture just as Christ fought the temptations the enemy was throwing at him with scripture.

Allow room for error though. As with any addiction he will fall at times. You have to be forgiving and pray for him. Nothing is impossible for the Lord but you have to follow the steps.

[Twin2]

Your husband is probably ashamed of what he's doing. He probably wants that normal relationship with you but is just so bound by his addiction that he sees no way out. The fact that he is a preacher's son probably magnifies his shame. It might make it harder for him to admit he has a problem and to seek help. The thing is, the same devil battles him as everyone else.

I believe you've received some good advice and Cheech I believe your advice is right on the nose. The problem isn't you catannfrancia, it's something your husband must turn over to the Lord to be delivered from. Deliverance can happen. It will happen if your husband seeks it. I also believe he will be more successful if you are there to help him work through this. Someone to pray for him. Someone to pray with him. Sometimes we have to be pushed to turn a situation around, to even seek the Lord for the help we need. Sometimes it's just knowing someone we care for understands. Sometimes it takes someone else seeking for our need in prayer before we see the need, or start to feel like there is hope for our circumanstances.

Matther 19:26 KJV "But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible."

[cheech]

Your husband is probably ashamed of what he's doing. He probably wants that normal relationship with you but is just so bound by his addiction that he sees no way out. The fact that he is a preacher's son probably magnifies his shame. It might make it harder for him to admit he has a problem and to seek help. The thing is, the same devil battles him as everyone else.

I believe you've received some good advice and Cheech I believe your advice is right on the nose. The problem isn't you catannfrancia, it's something your husband must turn over to the Lord to be delivered from. Deliverance can happen. It will happen if your husband seeks it. I also believe he will be more successful if you are there to help him work through this. Someone to pray for him. Someone to pray with him. Sometimes we have to be pushed to turn a situation around, to even seek the Lord for the help we need. Sometimes it's just knowing someone we care for understands. Sometimes it takes someone else seeking for our need in prayer before we see the need, or start to feel like there is hope for our circumanstances.

Matther 19:26 KJV "But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible."

I agree with this...he wants to stop but can't...on his own power. This can only be stopped through God's power. This is a time for the both of you to come together in unity. You also stated that you and your husband sing every Sunday in church...I'm assuming on the Worship Team. If this is so (even if you two are the only ones singing), I can tell you what's happening. The altar is to remain holy which means we have to have pure hearts to be on it. The both of you are in a ministry together...singing...and the goal of the enemy is to make your hearts impure in order to remove you especially if it gets out about your husband's addiction...it's worse for your husband because he is a Pastor's son (which the enemy will use words to him like "you should know better being a Pastor's son" which brings shame and guilt) and the both of you are singing on or near the altar. So the goal is to keep you both impure in thoughts and action (unrighteousness), so you will leave, his addiction will get out and hence the removal from where God has put you both. God has plans for all of us to further his kingdom and the enemy is always trying to destroy those plans.

This isn't the time for you to leave but to remain with your husband and work this out together. How can this be overcome?

1. Remember what it's all about...not us...but the Kingdom of God. The goal in this life is to further the Kingdom of God and when the enemy takes us out one by one, this removes yet another person working for the Kingdom and getting the word out to others. We are strong in numbers so the enemy has to knock us out of the race one by one. You have to think strategically and spiritually.

2. Remain together in unity...work together as husband and wife for the bible states:

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.


3. Your husband must surrender his addiction (naming everything...lust, masturbation, if he feels unworthiness, fear, whatever...it all has to be removed in time and the Lord will do it) to the Lord every day. Every time the urge hits to look at porn...surrender the urge and pray for strength. Whenever the urge to masturbate hits, surrender the urge and pray for strength.

4. You must pray for him and with him. Pray for him everyday for the Lord to deliver him from this addiction and to cover him with the blood of Christ (he must do the same). He must be able to tell you when he is battling with thoughts and urges so you can pray for him. He has to be able to come to you freely with no fear of condemnation to ask you for prayer.

5. When he does fall into the temptation, you must be forgiving and continue to pray with him. I know this will be difficult but you have to look past the man to see what's really happening. This is more than just a pleasurable thing. There are unseen forces doing everything they can to make him fail and the same with you with whatever you are going through.

6. Realize that no one is perfect...not a Pastor, nor his children, nor anyone of us because we are human. Just as you want to be forgiven for stumbling and falling with your strongholds, you must also be able to forgive. Don't forget to surrender all of your strongholds and insecurities as well. Even the Bible states that the righteous will have many troubles:

Psalm 34:19-20
A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.

7. Use scripture to combat the temptations. Find scripture pertaining to his addiction and he must say it (out loud when possible) just as Christ used scripture to combat the enemy's temptations.

8. Do not forget the authority Christ gave you! Bind that spirit(s) and cast it away in the name of Jesus! The same goes for you if you feel unworthiness hit you (thoughts of "maybe he thinks I'm not good enough for him and needs the porn and masturbation"). We feed off each others strongholds and that's how the enemy puts wedges in our marriages. Do not forget your authority in Christ!

Luke 10:19-20
I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven."

James 4:7
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

There will be many things you yourself will have to turn away from or "resist". If he does fall into temptation, this will also affect you to want to leave or not trust him. You have to turn away from those temptuous thoughts and surrender those thoughts to the Lord.

All of this will take time but you must work together. There is a reason all of this is happening...there always is. Remember...it's all about the Kingdom and any way the enemy can remove people from the Kingdom and from working for the Kingdom he will do it. Now both of you must put on your armor, bend your knees in prayer daily taking back your lives...your home and your marriage, and come out swinging with your sword (bible)! Learn to identify the tactics of the enemy against you. Your husband must identify what triggers the urge for him to do these things. Is it anger, unworthiness, self pity, etc. He must ask the Lord to identify it for him and then ask him to remove it.

Don't give up...you wouldn't allow a human intruder into your home to harm both of you willingly. You would fight them to the end, defending each other! Well this is what's happening now...a spiritual intruder(s) is entering your home and fighting against both of you and you are allowing that intruder in through your strongholds and addictions. You must stand together and fight against them, defending each other! Close the doors to all of your strongholds and seal them shut with the blood of Christ (saying it out loud). Pray this together in unity because you are a team. You are soldiers in the Army of God and you are battle buddies. One thing you learn in basic training is you never leave your battle buddy's side...never leave them behind. You cover each others backs and that is what you both must now do.

[workingox]

iniquity condition (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/condition), status (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/status) - a state at a particular time; "a condition (or state) of disrepair"; "

Id like to say cheech is right. I have been saved since 1986 and was called to preach shortly after, have pastored two churches and as of this moment heading into next ministry, Iniquity is something that can be started or stopped by a human, just as a person can be born french if he marries a chinese and continues to have hs offspring marry chinese eventually the french blood will be gone, no more french, The human is a complicated being that can actually pass down through generations behaviour, the little boy who says I was never molested and Ive always been attracted to males could say as a adult (one of their arguments) God made me this way. No God quit making humans after he finished with eve, we are offsprings of humans who have practiced every evil imagination they could come up with thats why in Romans chpt. 1 Paul describes that when they knew God they refused to acknowledege or be thankful so that chpt. goes on down describing them and Im thinking bless God look at them sinners but it finishes by saying therefore your are iniexusable whosoever that judges,at that point a red flag goes up and I realize iniquity ia a behavior practice that effects all mankind, having said that what he does does effect his entire life and his children and his future and Gods goodness will lead to repentance , Oh to be filled with his presence and to walk with God is the pulling down of strongholds, the same grace that saves a liar and a drunk and a homo, can save a whore, because that is what his heart is and Id like to say the grace of God keeps me from the iniquity of past and present, Your husband can be set free changed by the power of God. Im thankful for Jesus, he hears and does all according to his good pleasure, Im praying God will intervene for you this day.

[amazzin]

I've known for years that he is addicted. Before we were christians we both would watch it together. For the last about 3 years I've been letting him know that I think it is wrong and he needs to stop. We were living in sin for several years and he would not touch me for months at a time. When I approached him about it he said he was sorry and he would try to do better and that things would change when we got married and he said that he masturbated to porn because it's just a lazy way to satisfy himself. We have been married three years now in August and we still don't have sex as often as I'd like maybe twice a month at the most. I am at my wits end with this! I caught him in the act a few days ago because everytime before I would accuse him of it and he would say he wasn't doing it anymore. He told me he knows it's wrong but he also told me that he doesn't know if he can stop. He is a pastors son, we both sing every sunday in church. We both have done some changing in our lives but this is one major problem he can't seem to let go. I pray for us and God knows everything of course but does God want me to leave him do I wait for a sign on my next move? I don't know what to do.He hasn't spoken to me in 3 days...do I leave for awhile and hope he comes around...do I stay and bear it some more...I just don't know.

Please check out this web site. There is a section for wives also.

http://www.everymansbattle.com/

[gringo300]

The forest should also be looked at, not just a tree.

Chances are, there are OTHER problems, too.

The big picture needs to be looked at.

[Gregg]

I've known for years that he is addicted. Before we were christians we both would watch it together. For the last about 3 years I've been letting him know that I think it is wrong and he needs to stop. We were living in sin for several years and he would not touch me for months at a time. When I approached him about it he said he was sorry and he would try to do better and that things would change when we got married and he said that he masturbated to porn because it's just a lazy way to satisfy himself. We have been married three years now in August and we still don't have sex as often as I'd like maybe twice a month at the most. I am at my wits end with this! I caught him in the act a few days ago because everytime before I would accuse him of it and he would say he wasn't doing it anymore. He told me he knows it's wrong but he also told me that he doesn't know if he can stop. He is a pastors son, we both sing every sunday in church. We both have done some changing in our lives but this is one major problem he can't seem to let go. I pray for us and God knows everything of course but does God want me to leave him do I wait for a sign on my next move? I don't know what to do.He hasn't spoken to me in 3 days...do I leave for awhile and hope he comes around...do I stay and bear it some more...I just don't know.

Please read this in the kind tone that I am writing it.

Why did you watch porn with him?

How long have you been Christians?

How long have you been together?

How did you start your relationship?

Do you either of you have promiscuous pasts?

When did your husband fall away from the church?

What is the relationship of your husband with his father?

Do you attend the church that your husband's father pastors?

Do you like each other?

Do you have fun outside of the bedroom?

What is the most fun thing that you do together?

I do not have all of the answers but I do have a bit of testimony and experience in dealing with this problem.

In my case sexual promiscuity started at a young age (5th grade) with pictures of movie starlets. The images arroused me. I learned about masturbation. Then it was something that I sought out as often as I could. I developed the wrong attitude about the role that sex plays in love. This was fed by the world in which I live (I am not making excuses). TV, movies, magazines, etc. I sought out more of that world as each year of my life would allow access to. Went from Sears to Playboy in the first couple of years. Then harder stuff and eventually real women. I looked at woman as sexual objects to be conquered. The score ended up being attached to my self worth. Through all of this the porn was there. Eventually, I got too lazy and porn became the norm. All of this life style hardened my heart to the possiblity of finding a mate. It was only after I sought God that it was put on my heart to get this out of my life. I was actually working on another addiction and was seeking God for help in that arena when he told me to get rid of the porn. The porn went pretty quickly, the masturbation took awhile. It was progress not perfection in my case. Will I ever fall again, I can't worry about that today. Today I have victory and have the Lord to praise for that.

I pray that your marriage will be healed from this terrible bondage. Amen.

God bless you and yours.