A pain beyond all understand

[FWGuy]

Hello everyone, first time here and first time posting

On July 14th, my wife found out I have been addicted to sexual immorality for most of my life and that I had cheated on her multiple times during on 3 year marriage. Since then, she has moved in with her parents and is planning to move into her own apartment this saturday. I saw her briefly on Sunday but she now tells me she can not see me any more and that although she hopes I will find healing, she can not be a part of it other than through text message.

I have started going to a christian counselor, celebrate recovery and today started "The Way of Purity" on the Setting the Captives Free webiste. I am also getting the cable and internet turned off at my house as of tomorrow.

It has been incredibly hard over the past 3 weeks due to being at home by myself with access to whatever I want. By the grace of God, I have not given in to temptation in that time.

I guess I am just looking for advise and encouragement. My wife is showing indications that she is going to separate from me with intent to divorce me. Just been a hard month, but God has substained me so far. I am trying to look at myself as God sees me and learn to forgive myself, because I know God has already forgiven me... but it is hard when my wife sends me text messages about how much pain I have caused her.

[saskgui]

Hello FWGuy.

I have been addicted to lust for many years of my life. Since i have not been married i don't know what it is like to cheat on your wife but i do not what is is like to hurt a girlfriend and damage other relationships.

In regards to your recovery i would suggest to start with real repentance. Not the kind where you feel depressed because of the terrible shape your life is in right now but rather repentance where you realize how you have saddened God and been abusing the grace that Jesus has so wonderfully sacrificed himself for. Also how this has and is hurting past and present relationships.


http://www.tangle.com/view_video?viewkey=fd4de1a17c18e6316e36

http://www.amazon.com/Altar-Sexual-Idolatry-Steve-Gallagher/dp/0970220200


I cannot give professional advice on marriage only to say that to my understanding infidelity is a valid reason for both separation and divorce. So i would offer up your marriage in prayer in God's hands.

[moonglow]

Hello everyone, first time here and first time posting

On July 14th, my wife found out I have been addicted to sexual immorality for most of my life and that I had cheated on her multiple times during on 3 year marriage. Since then, she has moved in with her parents and is planning to move into her own apartment this saturday. I saw her briefly on Sunday but she now tells me she can not see me any more and that although she hopes I will find healing, she can not be a part of it other than through text message.

I have started going to a christian counselor, celebrate recovery and today started "The Way of Purity" on the Setting the Captives Free webiste. I am also getting the cable and internet turned off at my house as of tomorrow.

It has been incredibly hard over the past 3 weeks due to being at home by myself with access to whatever I want. By the grace of God, I have not given in to temptation in that time.

I guess I am just looking for advise and encouragement. My wife is showing indications that she is going to separate from me with intent to divorce me. Just been a hard month, but God has substained me so far. I am trying to look at myself as God sees me and learn to forgive myself, because I know God has already forgiven me... but it is hard when my wife sends me text messages about how much pain I have caused her.

I am so glad you are taking steps to change things...good for you! Sadly its very common for boys as young as 12 or 13 to be introduced to porn and then they are trapped in it..:( It does alot of damage as you well know. I think its one of satan's biggest traps actually!

I did have a question though...you said you are turning off your internet..if you do that you can't come on here or use 'setting the captives free' website either as that requires email. Are you going to go to a library to access this board and their site or what?

Anyway I am glad your church has something to help you with this. That is great...I hope and pray you find the support you need.

God bless

[firstpeterone]

please pray. When you are at home "alone", you are not "alone". Take advantage of this time to be still and quiet and commune with God. Set aside as much time as you can to pray. Ask HIM questions, listen. Even better would be to ask a brother in Christ from your church to pray with you. You are never alone as a servant of God. Ask Him what His will is for your life. Ask God to help you count your days. How to spend the time HE has given you here, each day. Pray for reconciliation with your wife. God hates divorce. Ask God what you need to be doing to repair and compensate for this situation in your relation with your wife.

God is able to do what we can only call miracles.

[FWGuy]

I thank you for your encouragement. I have been working on repentance and learning to forgive myself as God has forgiven me.

In regards to the internet, I have access to this board and the setting captives free website at work. I figured I am at work most of the day any way so having internet at home is a necessary sacrifice to run away from tempting situations.

I hope no one feels that I am taking this lightly.... I re-read my message from yesterday and it came across to me as a little trite.... maybe it is just that I have had nearly a month to work through my repentance and begging God to forgive me and am finally beginning to see his love in my life.... I hope so....

[Slug1]

I hope no one feels that I am taking this lightly.... I re-read my message from yesterday and it came across to me as a little trite.... maybe it is just that I have had nearly a month to work through my repentance and begging God to forgive me and am finally beginning to see his love in my life.... I hope so....Allow God to minister to you. If you want your marriage to heal, the Lord must first heal you and your wife. No sense to even attempt to fix the marriage if the two parts are broke but do allow the Lord to be in control so the two of you are held together as He works. Just like an engine, first ya fix the clogged fuel filter, put in a new battery, replace the spark plugs etc. The Lord will set a priority in what needs to be fixed first and then the next, then the next etc. Once each part is fixed, the marriage may not need more fixing, just start it back up and let the Lord guide you both to keep it running and well maintained.

As for your addiction, oh I can relate as mine almost destroyed my marriage. In my signature is my testimony about my addiction to fantasy lust and mastubation and how the Lord healed me.

[moonglow]

I thank you for your encouragement. I have been working on repentance and learning to forgive myself as God has forgiven me.

In regards to the internet, I have access to this board and the setting captives free website at work. I figured I am at work most of the day any way so having internet at home is a necessary sacrifice to run away from tempting situations.

I hope no one feels that I am taking this lightly.... I re-read my message from yesterday and it came across to me as a little trite.... maybe it is just that I have had nearly a month to work through my repentance and begging God to forgive me and am finally beginning to see his love in my life.... I hope so....

Thanks for explaining about the internet at work and all. I don't think you sound like you are taking this lightly..not at all! You have put in more effort then I have ever seen anyone do (though I have to say I haven't read every post of people with this same struggle). But I can tell you are serious about this and that is a good thing!

I am glad you are finding God! That is great!

God bless

[FWGuy]

that was the phrase she used in a message today.... I am fighting discouragement because no matter how much I do it is not enough for her. I have to remind myself that I am doing this to get myself healthy and glorify God, not to win my wife back.... but it stinks.... :B

[moonglow]

that was the phrase she used in a message today.... I am fighting discouragement because no matter how much I do it is not enough for her. I have to remind myself that I am doing this to get myself healthy and glorify God, not to win my wife back.... but it stinks.... :B

Well....as a woman myself...I have to say if my husband was doing this I would be deeply wounded and sickened by it (sorry..I know that hurt!) I don't tell you this to hurt you but to try to understand her point of view a bit here. Porn degrades women SO badly..it reduces us to objects to be 'used' in the most filthy ways. I have nothing but utter disgust for the men and women that do this..that are invovled in this...though I realize many are in it because many were sexually abused as young girls..they were molded (brain washed actually) to be like this. They think being 'wanted' in this way is love and like the attention..though the attention is about their bodies...not them! Not who they are! I also know many are forced into sexual acts too through the use of drugs, intimation, fear of being hurt.

There is little your wife can do but pray for you actually while you fight this battle. The fact she says she wants to help I think is encouraging...the fact she even contacts you or response to your contacts is good too.

Just try to image though how this has made her feel.

God bless

[FWGuy]

I know.. I try to see how she feels.... I just feel very alone when then love of my life and my best friend abandons me.... even if I fully grasp the reasons why she has done it. I guess I am just having a hard day. :cry:

[moonglow]

I know.. I try to see how she feels.... I just feel very alone when then love of my life and my best friend abandons me.... even if I fully grasp the reasons why she has done it. I guess I am just having a hard day. :cry:

I am sure you are ..I know its hard but you have to hang in there. Don't lose hope ok? Just give her some space...ok? Its hard for both of you..remember Jesus IS with us during the storms.

Psalm 18:30-32


30 As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the LORD is proven;
He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

31 For who is God, except the LORD?
And who is a rock, except our God?
32 It is God who arms me with strength,
And makes my way perfect.

God bless

[FWGuy]

I had a horrible dream last night.

My wife was standing in the bathroom of the house I lived in when I was about 12 and she was doing her make up. I do not remember how the conversation started but she ended up telling me she was going to divorce me. She pulled out the papers and forced me to sign them and then as I was weeping on the floor, she pulled out a kitchen knife and stabbed me repeatedly until I died. The entire time her face was emotionless.

I woke up at like 3:30 AM and my heart was pounding.... I prayed to God that if it was an attack by Satan he would calm my thoughts and my heart.

Been a rough 24 hours....

[moonglow]

I had a horrible dream last night.

My wife was standing in the bathroom of the house I lived in when I was about 12 and she was doing her make up. I do not remember how the conversation started but she ended up telling me she was going to divorce me. She pulled out the papers and forced me to sign them and then as I was weeping on the floor, she pulled out a kitchen knife and stabbed me repeatedly until I died. The entire time her face was emotionless.

I woke up at like 3:30 AM and my heart was pounding.... I prayed to God that if it was an attack by Satan he would calm my thoughts and my heart.

Been a rough 24 hours....

So did He calm you?

It could have been a spiritual attack or anxiety. I mean look at the stress you have been under? You are in a spiritual battle everyday...yes.

That would be horrible though...to dream the one you love the most in this world killed you...:(

I am praying for you on this struggle you are in!

God bless

[Muse]

that was the phrase she used in a message today.... I am fighting discouragement because no matter how much I do it is not enough for her. I have to remind myself that I am doing this to get myself healthy and glorify God, not to win my wife back.... but it stinks.... :B

Please go back and re-read the sentence "no matter how much I do, it is not enough for her"...... Don't you think you're being a tad demanding?

You said she only found out about your multiple affairs mid-July. It hasn't even been a month since she found out about this and you seem to expect that she just get over it because you've displayed some (short-term) changes.

I hate to sound harsh, but you need to put yourself in HER shoes for a minute. As a matter of fact, you need to be thanking GOD that she even still WANTS to help you - even if it is from a distance. And, do you blame her? You've destroyed her self-esteem, trust and dream of having a faithful husband (devastating to a woman). You have hurt her in a way that no other person on earth can hurt her. She's only trying to protect herself.

If you found out that your wife had slept with multiple men over the course of a 3 year marriage, would you be willing to forgive her a mere 23 days after finding out about it????

If you truly want to restore your marriage, you're going to have to put in a WHOLE lot more time and effort before you see any response from your wife. Even then, she may not be able to get over this and be with you. Your irritation with her (illustrated by the banging-your-head-against-the-wall smilie) implies that you see HER as the one with the problem, not you.

You betrayed her - not the other way around. If there's a wall there, you put it in place and it is not her fault that she feels the way she does. Nor is it her fault that she's having difficulties dealing with this.

[Muse]

I had a horrible dream last night.

My wife was standing in the bathroom of the house I lived in when I was about 12 and she was doing her make up. I do not remember how the conversation started but she ended up telling me she was going to divorce me. She pulled out the papers and forced me to sign them and then as I was weeping on the floor, she pulled out a kitchen knife and stabbed me repeatedly until I died. The entire time her face was emotionless.

I woke up at like 3:30 AM and my heart was pounding.... I prayed to God that if it was an attack by Satan he would calm my thoughts and my heart.

Been a rough 24 hours....

I find this incredibly disturbing. You're dreaming that SHE stabbed you in the heart when you're the one who did the betraying. I'm so sorry to say this to you, but it still sounds like you're blaming HER for the problems in the marriage that YOU caused.

There's reason why adultery is permitted according to Scripture. It is the most devastating betrayal one spouse can commit against the other. I just get the impression from your posts that you feel that you are the victim because your wife isn't moving past this like you want her to.

[FWGuy]

I apologize if any one feels that I am being unfair in feeling stressed about by this situation. I am trying my best to put myself in her shoes.... and I am the first one to admit that I have sinned against her and against God.

I am sorry if this statement seems unfair but I thought this was a place where I could express my frustrations with the situation that I GOT MYSELF into, and not be judged for simply being frustrated. Do I expect my wife to forgive me immediately and move on, heck no.... but I can not help but at least feel frustrated.... I will be sure that in the future I will keep my feelings and frustration to myself... again I apologize for coming across as insensitive.

[Muse]

I apologize if any one feels that I am being unfair in feeling stressed about by this situation. I am trying my best to put myself in her shoes.... and I am the first one to admit that I have sinned against her and against God.

I am sorry if this statement seems unfair but I thought this was a place where I could express my frustrations with the situation that I GOT MYSELF into, and not be judged for simply being frustrated. Do I expect my wife to forgive me immediately and move on, heck no.... but I can not help but at least feel frustrated.... I will be sure that in the future I will keep my feelings and frustration to myself... again I apologize for coming across as insensitive.

Feeling stressed about this situation is only natural. I'm only saying that your posts imply that you blame her for the break-up of your marriage. Yes, you say you are the "first one to admit I sinned against her and against God", but that doesn't make the consequences of that sin go away. You have to deal with it.

To be blunt, I really don't think you have a right to feel "frustrated" because she doesn't respond like you want her to. You created the situation and now you have to deal with the consequences of that situation.

BTW, the comment about keeping your feelings to yourself is more than a little passive-aggressive. It implies that since I disagreed with you, you're going to "punish" me by refusing to talk at all. Perhaps the fault is mine - it occurs to me you may have come here to be comforted and I sorta ruined that. If so, my apologies. Please feel free to speak all you wish, I'll bow out of this and future discussions on the subject.

Before I depart and as a means of offering you an olive branch, may I suggest a therapedic tool for you? Your wife has alot of things going on inside her head that she probably wants to say to you - hurt things, angry things, etc.... Ask her to tell you how SHE feels. Listen and don't try to justify yourself or your behavior. Each time she shares something with you, tell her things like, "I know I hurt you, and I'm so very sorry".... or "You didn't deserve that from me".... or something along those lines. These statements will validate her feelings and help her work through them. Just a thought.....

I'll continue to pray for you and your wife. Peace.

[FWGuy]

Yes I have been doing that... she vents over text messages and I apologize and say "I realize how much I have hurt you and I am sorry for the things I have done."

[Muse]

Yes I have been doing that... she vents over text messages and I apologize and say "I realize how much I have hurt you and I am sorry for the things I have done."

That's wonderful! Just feeling like she's being heard will help her feel less adversarial toward you. Remember that this will take some time, though.... months, more than likely.

How does she feel about counseling? Is she willing to try that?

[FWGuy]

Willing to go to her own individual counseling while I continue to go to mine(as I have been for the last 3 weeks), but no marriage counseling at this time if ever.

[Muse]

Willing to go to her own individual counseling while I continue to go to mine(as I have been for the last 3 weeks), but no marriage counseling at this time if ever.

Well, it's a start. Look, don't give up, ok? Keep reminding yourself that Rome wasn't built in a day..... this is going to be a process, with successes and setbacks.
Remember that she's hurting badly right now and that will manifest itself as intense anger from time to time. When that happens, do your utmost to respond calmly.

Have you ever heard of a book called The Love Dare? I highly recommend it.... she doesn't have to do it with you - should you decide to use it, I'd recommend not telling her about what you're doing - keep it between you and the Lord.

I'll be praying for the two of you. I promise. :)

[FWGuy]

I appreciate that... and I apologize for my passive-aggressive behavior before.... I had just gotten done reading a string of relatively nasty text messages from her and just was feeling attacked on both sides.... I am sorry

[Muse]

I appreciate that... and I apologize for my passive-aggressive behavior before.... I had just gotten done reading a string of relatively nasty text messages from her and just was feeling attacked on both sides.... I am sorry

De nada, FW..... :) I wasn't exactly gushing compassion for your situation, either, so I pretty sure I owe you an apology as well. And I do apologize.... I'm far too blunt sometimes.....

I know this has to be really difficult for you, too.