Sea Pony
Aug 11th 2009, 03:40 PM
Plenty of people have had it worse than me. Some people did not need as much trouble as I even had to get sober. I hope reading this helps you no matter which of those crowds you fit into.
It seems like I have always struggled with depression, and feeling like I don’t belong. I could never shake the feeling that people did not like or understand me. I was always too sensitive I was told. I'll skip the gory details; suffice it to say that, although I was fortunate to experience some wonderful blessings in my life, many of my experiences confused my spirit and left me wondering where God was. I did not learn to focus on the positive.
My church life was confusing and difficult. I knew I was missing something in my heart and so I kept coming back, feeling the church was my best shot at finding it. But I can remember hearing the same sermons at the same time of year. The pastor was dusting off a lifetime of sermons and repeating them, word-for-word. It seemed insincere. Youth group activities should have been an opportunity for me to feel differently, but because of my own mind set, and my peer’s inability to understand what I was going through, it was a disappointment. After high school I stopped attending church. It was a painful experience I was glad to be rid of.
As a teenager, I dabbled in alcohol and other substances, trying to cope with my feelings of isolation and lingering pain and resentment from a life lived from one regret to the next. In my mid 20’s I developed a clear understanding that, even though people say that God forgives all sins if they declare Jesus their personal Lord and Savior, I was among a small minority who had moved beyond that forgiveness. I was certain that I was not worth it to God or to anyone else despite some significant blessings from the Lord including a wonderful, Godly wife and our first child.
In 2002, about a month after I completed my service in the Navy, I was involved in a boating accident. My brother in law was nearly killed. But what was so much worse was that a complete stranger, who had selflessly volunteered to help, was struck by the boat and killed in a particularly bloody and unpleasant way. Having had some lifesaving training and much more life experience than my friends, I tried to help revive him when the Coast Guard brought him ashore, but there was no way. This event catapulted me into a fuller measure of alcoholism than I had ever achieved. I blamed myself for this man's loss. If I had only done...something differently. I could not bear the guilt I felt. I had stayed quiet when I knew what was happening was dangerous because I was more interested in my new friend’s acceptance than helping them stay safe. I had nightmares and couldn’t sleep for months. The only way I got sleep was by getting drunk and passing out.
As we went through the funeral process for this man, we came to know him as an example of Christian mad hood and love that I could never have reached. He was 28. Married 11 months. Routinely volunteered for Christian Children’s charities. Had a promising career and life ahead of him. How could I possibly make up for the death of such a wonderful person? It was not possible. I was beyond redemption. I would pay for this man’s life in eternity. I knew it like I know there are 24 hours in a day.
Over the next several years my drinking steadily increased. My life began to fall into a pattern of drinking to cope. For a while I was getting all the way through the work week before getting started on Friday nights and wrapping up in time to get sober for church. But my hatred for my job and the people I worked for drove me further into drinking. Then church went out the window. Then Thursday night became pre-Friday for me. Then I started leaving work early so I could get home to drink. Then I started picking up a 6 pack for the drive home. Eventually, I figured out that my work was not going to fire me no matter what I did, so I started leaving at 3:30 every day to get started drinking. I was confused, depressed, miserable, and most of all fearful. I was consumed with fear. My drinking was in large part an effort to escape that fear.
Despite the miserable shape my marriage was in my wife got pregnant with our first child. I did not get sober, but I really pulled out the stops to be nice to her while she was pregnant. That was when I started really spending money. I took out a loan and built up huge credit lines on my cards. Whatever I saw that I wanted, I bought it. I was trying to make myself feel better, when I was feeling anything. But guilt and depression and emptiness where the only emotions I felt when I was sober. The debts piled up so fast.
When my daughter was born I stopped drinking for three days while my wife was in the hospital. But as soon as we brought our daughter home I cranked it up a notch. Fear of parenthood gripped me like nothing else ever had. I was certain that I would ruin this child. It was a foregone conclusion.
I hated what my life had become. I was so disgusted with myself that I shaved and brushed my teeth in the car to avoid looking at myself in the mirror. When I was drunk I would readily admit that I wanted to stop drinking. But there could be no serious conversation when I was sober.
I contemplated getting sober more and more frequently, but I could not do it. Then, on the eve of my 9th wedding anniversary, my faithful wife delivered an ultimatum that had been long in the making; Choose between your family and your drinking.
I was not one of those people you meet that wants to be a doctor or a lawyer from a young age. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. But there has always been one thing I knew I wanted to be from the time I was a young boy; I wanted to be a husband and father and have children and a family. I decided that night that I was willing to do anything to keep my family together; without them my life was without purpose. More than that, I wanted to be more of a man to my wife and child than I had ever been. I resolved to end the cycle of destruction in my life by either getting sober, or ending my life.
The next day I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous. Over the next two weeks, as I dried out, I came to understand that I had been trying to run my life solo. My results spoke for themselves. I was tens of thousands of dollars in debt. My wife was ready to pack her bags. My job made me want to jump off a bridge. I was consumed with guilt and fear. All of this was the result of me saying, “I’ll call you if I need you Lord”. Turning this life over to God was easy. It was like trading in a car that won’t start. “I don’t know why you would want this pitiful excuse for a life God, but if you will take it I’m happy to give it. I don’t want to drive anymore.”
For me turning "my life and my will over to the care of the God of my understanding" meant accepting that I was not beyond God's forgiveness no matter how much I hated myself and what I had become. At once, I was filled with faith and confidence that God had truly sent his only son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for my sins. The lessons of my church life, so long abandoned had stuck after all. All of my doubts, and fears disappeared. I was at that moment overcome. It was as if I had a personal audience with God Himself. In that moment I felt in my heart and knew in my mind that I was forgiven. It was shocking both for its suddenness and how easy it was to believe. I was filled with two sensations I had not known in my adult life: Strength and peace.
As of June 15th 2009, I have been clean and sober 4 years. In that time I have struggled plenty to clean up the mess I made of my life. I was able to pay off 10's of thousands of dollars of bad debt I had built up. I was blessed with a job that allowed me to leave behind a destructive period in my life and refocus my career in a more positive and achievement oriented direction. I was able rebuild my shattered relationship with my wife to the point that she trusted me to take on the responsibility of financially supporting my family so that she could stay home and care for our child. We were able to sell our home in Florida just as the market peaked and move to Atlanta, where we could be much closer to our family network. We were able to find a church life that has accelerated my walk with the Lord. We were blessed with the birth of another child...one who would never know me as a drunk. I have become much more like the father and husband I have aspired to be.
Please understand I still live in sin. I continue to struggle to do the right thing. I still have so much to learn about scripture and living a Godly life. I still sometimes try to take back control of my life. But now I feel the peace of the Holy Spirit with me. God’s blessings overflow in my life even in hard times.
I lost the best job I ever had in April. Laid-off for lack of work. But due to the Lord’s guidance and blessing I had been carefully saving for months. Instead of diving back into the bottle, running from fear, God relieved me of my fear. Even as my wife was overwhelmed at times with fear, God has given me the strength to comfort her, and the faith to truly believe that he has plans to prosper me and my family through this trial. I am still scared, but my faith, having been fed now for several years, is carrying me through. I have the peace of knowing that somehow, it will all work out.
I hope reading this helps you feel as blessed as finally write it down and sharing it has made me feel.
It seems like I have always struggled with depression, and feeling like I don’t belong. I could never shake the feeling that people did not like or understand me. I was always too sensitive I was told. I'll skip the gory details; suffice it to say that, although I was fortunate to experience some wonderful blessings in my life, many of my experiences confused my spirit and left me wondering where God was. I did not learn to focus on the positive.
My church life was confusing and difficult. I knew I was missing something in my heart and so I kept coming back, feeling the church was my best shot at finding it. But I can remember hearing the same sermons at the same time of year. The pastor was dusting off a lifetime of sermons and repeating them, word-for-word. It seemed insincere. Youth group activities should have been an opportunity for me to feel differently, but because of my own mind set, and my peer’s inability to understand what I was going through, it was a disappointment. After high school I stopped attending church. It was a painful experience I was glad to be rid of.
As a teenager, I dabbled in alcohol and other substances, trying to cope with my feelings of isolation and lingering pain and resentment from a life lived from one regret to the next. In my mid 20’s I developed a clear understanding that, even though people say that God forgives all sins if they declare Jesus their personal Lord and Savior, I was among a small minority who had moved beyond that forgiveness. I was certain that I was not worth it to God or to anyone else despite some significant blessings from the Lord including a wonderful, Godly wife and our first child.
In 2002, about a month after I completed my service in the Navy, I was involved in a boating accident. My brother in law was nearly killed. But what was so much worse was that a complete stranger, who had selflessly volunteered to help, was struck by the boat and killed in a particularly bloody and unpleasant way. Having had some lifesaving training and much more life experience than my friends, I tried to help revive him when the Coast Guard brought him ashore, but there was no way. This event catapulted me into a fuller measure of alcoholism than I had ever achieved. I blamed myself for this man's loss. If I had only done...something differently. I could not bear the guilt I felt. I had stayed quiet when I knew what was happening was dangerous because I was more interested in my new friend’s acceptance than helping them stay safe. I had nightmares and couldn’t sleep for months. The only way I got sleep was by getting drunk and passing out.
As we went through the funeral process for this man, we came to know him as an example of Christian mad hood and love that I could never have reached. He was 28. Married 11 months. Routinely volunteered for Christian Children’s charities. Had a promising career and life ahead of him. How could I possibly make up for the death of such a wonderful person? It was not possible. I was beyond redemption. I would pay for this man’s life in eternity. I knew it like I know there are 24 hours in a day.
Over the next several years my drinking steadily increased. My life began to fall into a pattern of drinking to cope. For a while I was getting all the way through the work week before getting started on Friday nights and wrapping up in time to get sober for church. But my hatred for my job and the people I worked for drove me further into drinking. Then church went out the window. Then Thursday night became pre-Friday for me. Then I started leaving work early so I could get home to drink. Then I started picking up a 6 pack for the drive home. Eventually, I figured out that my work was not going to fire me no matter what I did, so I started leaving at 3:30 every day to get started drinking. I was confused, depressed, miserable, and most of all fearful. I was consumed with fear. My drinking was in large part an effort to escape that fear.
Despite the miserable shape my marriage was in my wife got pregnant with our first child. I did not get sober, but I really pulled out the stops to be nice to her while she was pregnant. That was when I started really spending money. I took out a loan and built up huge credit lines on my cards. Whatever I saw that I wanted, I bought it. I was trying to make myself feel better, when I was feeling anything. But guilt and depression and emptiness where the only emotions I felt when I was sober. The debts piled up so fast.
When my daughter was born I stopped drinking for three days while my wife was in the hospital. But as soon as we brought our daughter home I cranked it up a notch. Fear of parenthood gripped me like nothing else ever had. I was certain that I would ruin this child. It was a foregone conclusion.
I hated what my life had become. I was so disgusted with myself that I shaved and brushed my teeth in the car to avoid looking at myself in the mirror. When I was drunk I would readily admit that I wanted to stop drinking. But there could be no serious conversation when I was sober.
I contemplated getting sober more and more frequently, but I could not do it. Then, on the eve of my 9th wedding anniversary, my faithful wife delivered an ultimatum that had been long in the making; Choose between your family and your drinking.
I was not one of those people you meet that wants to be a doctor or a lawyer from a young age. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. But there has always been one thing I knew I wanted to be from the time I was a young boy; I wanted to be a husband and father and have children and a family. I decided that night that I was willing to do anything to keep my family together; without them my life was without purpose. More than that, I wanted to be more of a man to my wife and child than I had ever been. I resolved to end the cycle of destruction in my life by either getting sober, or ending my life.
The next day I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous. Over the next two weeks, as I dried out, I came to understand that I had been trying to run my life solo. My results spoke for themselves. I was tens of thousands of dollars in debt. My wife was ready to pack her bags. My job made me want to jump off a bridge. I was consumed with guilt and fear. All of this was the result of me saying, “I’ll call you if I need you Lord”. Turning this life over to God was easy. It was like trading in a car that won’t start. “I don’t know why you would want this pitiful excuse for a life God, but if you will take it I’m happy to give it. I don’t want to drive anymore.”
For me turning "my life and my will over to the care of the God of my understanding" meant accepting that I was not beyond God's forgiveness no matter how much I hated myself and what I had become. At once, I was filled with faith and confidence that God had truly sent his only son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for my sins. The lessons of my church life, so long abandoned had stuck after all. All of my doubts, and fears disappeared. I was at that moment overcome. It was as if I had a personal audience with God Himself. In that moment I felt in my heart and knew in my mind that I was forgiven. It was shocking both for its suddenness and how easy it was to believe. I was filled with two sensations I had not known in my adult life: Strength and peace.
As of June 15th 2009, I have been clean and sober 4 years. In that time I have struggled plenty to clean up the mess I made of my life. I was able to pay off 10's of thousands of dollars of bad debt I had built up. I was blessed with a job that allowed me to leave behind a destructive period in my life and refocus my career in a more positive and achievement oriented direction. I was able rebuild my shattered relationship with my wife to the point that she trusted me to take on the responsibility of financially supporting my family so that she could stay home and care for our child. We were able to sell our home in Florida just as the market peaked and move to Atlanta, where we could be much closer to our family network. We were able to find a church life that has accelerated my walk with the Lord. We were blessed with the birth of another child...one who would never know me as a drunk. I have become much more like the father and husband I have aspired to be.
Please understand I still live in sin. I continue to struggle to do the right thing. I still have so much to learn about scripture and living a Godly life. I still sometimes try to take back control of my life. But now I feel the peace of the Holy Spirit with me. God’s blessings overflow in my life even in hard times.
I lost the best job I ever had in April. Laid-off for lack of work. But due to the Lord’s guidance and blessing I had been carefully saving for months. Instead of diving back into the bottle, running from fear, God relieved me of my fear. Even as my wife was overwhelmed at times with fear, God has given me the strength to comfort her, and the faith to truly believe that he has plans to prosper me and my family through this trial. I am still scared, but my faith, having been fed now for several years, is carrying me through. I have the peace of knowing that somehow, it will all work out.
I hope reading this helps you feel as blessed as finally write it down and sharing it has made me feel.