Just found out my husband's addiction is not over

[justaquestion]

My husband confessed to me before we even started dating that he had an addiction to pornography. Through some recent events he revealed to me that his addiction continued into our dating relationship (which started 6 months later) and even parts of it continued long into our marriage. Even some parts of it are still present, even 8 years into our relationship. I feel so hurt, broken, betrayed, filthy, and used. How do we get past this? Even memories I have of our good life together feel tainted by a dark presence now and I have nothing to hold on to. Please, any help you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

[Slug1]

My husband confessed to me before we even started dating that he had an addiction to pornography. Through some recent events he revealed to me that his addiction continued into our dating relationship (which started 6 months later) and even parts of it continued long into our marriage. Even some parts of it are still present, even 8 years into our relationship. I feel so hurt, broken, betrayed, filthy, and used. How do we get past this? Even memories I have of our good life together feel tainted by a dark presence now and I have nothing to hold on to. Please, any help you can offer would be greatly appreciated.Hey Justaquestion, welcome to the board.

I'll be informing my wife of this thread you started as she experienced the exact same thing you are now. I was bound with a sexual immorality that falls under pornography. The Lord has healed our marriage. Took awhile but He did it as we surrendered ourselves to His healing hand.

As for my end and maybe it will help you understand how a sin just as this has your husband bound, when my wife began to understand how i wsa bound the Lord was able to work in us even more.

You see, He had to fix each of us first or at least fix us to a point He could begin to fix the marriage. Can't fix a marriage if the two parts that make up that marriage are still so broken. He worked in me as He worked in my wife and then He worked in us together.

Here's my testimony (it's a long read): http://bibleforums.org/forum/showthread.php?t=177345

[cheech]

Hi justaquestion...I am the wife :lol:.

First I want to say I know your pain very well and want to give you a hug :hug:. It's not an easy thing to live with and it is so damaging to our self esteem as women. It can make us feel undesirable, ugly, not good enough, and downright angry at times as well. I spent the better part of 20 years feeling this way. I didn't know about strongholds at that time that and so I just felt it was a slap against me and even sometimes doubted his true love for me. Yes, there were times I've felt like giving up and walking away feeling he wouldn't care if I left or not (although that wasn't true) and I always had dreams that he was cheating on me, telling me he loved someone else and was going to leave me. Now that God has opened my eyes to things, I can share it with you and others so you can become aware of what is really happening.

The one thing the enemy uses to keep us bound is strongholds. How do we get them? Through circumstances that make us feel a certain way...yours makes you feel unworthy, rejected, unloved, undesirable, and such. It can also leave you feeling fearful, angry, jealous (my three big ones) and not able to trust. All of these feelings keep you bound. Everyone starts out having a purpose in this life to work in the Kingdom of God but not everyone gets to do it due to strongholds and sin. If the enemy can keep us bound in these, then we will never be saved and work for God. This happens through circumstances, words, experiences, etc. What is happening between you and your husband is keeping you both bound. You are feeding off of each others strongholds no doubt but it goes further back. For example...in my marriage I was angry at my husband's lust issues (in mind only), porn issues and other areas. My anger and jealousy due to this caused me to be controlling and this caused him to go right back what he was doing. But both of our problems stemmed way back when we were kids. So it was just issues we brought into our marriage and it ended up working against each other because we only made each other miserable with what we were doing. We kept reacting off of each others issues and really causing each other to fall...if he stopped his strongholds, then mine would end. If I stopped his would end...but the problem was how were we going to get it to stop?

It wasn't until the last few years that I began learning more about strongholds due to the biblical recovery programs (and church) I had been working in. Over the last year and a half even more learning from God has helped immensely. Here is what you need to understand:

1. Many times our strongholds stem back to childhood

2. We each need to be held accountable for our strongholds and not blame the other for them although we can hinder each other from growing spiritually due to our strongholds.

3. We can't just say "stop" and expect the person wtih the stronghold/addiction to be able to do that...there is more spiritually involved which makes it too difficult by ourselves to be able to do this...this is where we need God to help us every day.

4. We must allow God to fix ourselves first before we can expect our marriage to be fixed. If I wanted my husband to stop what he was doing because it was hurting me, I had to stop what I was doing and change myself. This doesn't mean I was responsible for his actions nor was he responsible for mine but it does mean that certain things within me was part of what was leading him (the other was flesh/satan) to do what he was doing. My anger, control, and yelling was what he suffered as a child and sent him doing things at a young age. His rejection, disregard for my feelings and actions were making me feel as I did in school and throughout my life with other people...feelings of not good enough, ugly, rejection, etc. This made me feel angry and hurt when he did these things as it did when people hurt me and thefefore I lashed out so on and on went the vicious cycle...until we went to God.

It was at the tiem where I started reading the bible and changing my ways did he see this and come to God as well...not fully at first but in time fully. It's not been an easy walk but our lives have gotten so much better because God did some amazing changes in us. I never thought my husband would eve leave his old ways but he has. That's not to say he never makes a mistake or slips up but I do too. That is where God teaches us about forgiveness...not always easy but we do it.

You want to overcome this? Look at both your strongholds...ask God to identify them. Now ask him to show you the root of the strongholds. Your husband has to ask himself (and God) why he looks at porn and whatever else he does. Sometimes when people feel out of control in one area this is their only control and they keep doing it. You have to ask God the same thing about yourself...what are your strongholds and what is the root cause of them. That is what needs fixing. Just removing the stronghold...the porn, the anger, or whatever isn't going to remove the real problem. That's like seeing a weed growing and you only remove the part that's above the ground. What happens? The weed keeps growing until it's above ground again. You have to get to the root of that weed and pull it out for it not to grow anymore. This is the same with strongholds...get to the root of it and ask God to pull it out.

I definitely know how you feel and it's a deep hurt and lots of betrayed feelings...but I can tell you that God does heal (at one time I never thought I'd be able to say that) ONLY when we give him full control over us by surrendering everything too him...our strongholds, hurts, pains, etc. This takes alot of time and alot of work on both ends...God's end and your end. There isn't one thing God can't take care of...there is no problem to big nor to powerful for him to overcome. You just have to believe that.

[justaquestion]

Slug1 and cheech -
Thank you for your testimonies and words of encouragement. It is nice to know that I am not alone in this situation and that hope is out there.

I do need to put out there that I love my husband so much with all my heart and he is a man who listens to and follows God. He has also seen me through some very rough times recently and I am forever grateful for his support for me. A big part of our conversation last night was how he had been decieved that a lot of the stuff he had been doing was okay because it wasn't actually "pornography" and some of it was even within the "confines" of our marriage. He didn't realize how badly it would hurt me until it was out there. I truly trust God to work in him to remove this once and for all in His time and in His way and to protect me from it when He needs to.

The problem I am running in to is how to move on. I only found out yesterday completely for the first time in our 8 years together. I feel so nauseated by the whole thing. Part of it that hurt so badly was that he used images of me as pornography when I wasn't home. It made me feel so filthy, used, and trashed. Something that could be good for our marriage got turned completely around into something that makes my skin crawl. I don't want to be looked at or touched "that way." Does this feeling of repulsiveness to sex go away with time? How do I heal without hurting him more? How do I learn to trust and not have the "what ifs" go through my head during memory flashbacks and times when I'm not home? I don't want to be controlling and untrusting. I want to respect my husband for the man I know he is. I have felt like our marriage over the past year has grown and flourished so much and I want that back. I feel like a dark shadow has come over our home threatening to destroy everything we know. I want to express my love for my husband physically and not worry about what he might do with that later when I'm not home. I want to feel normal again. I have done counseling with theophostics before where I explore my childhood, but honestly this is something I've never encountered before and I don't know what to do with it.

[Twin2]

Please remember that an addiction is a controlling thing. This addiction probably has nothing to do with how your husband feels about you or your relationship, if anything your relationship may make the guilt hard to bear because he wants to be honest with you and not hurt you. People can get comfortable with their hidden sin, in that they think it will stay hidden. Eventually sin finds us out, whether through our guilt and desire to get rid of it, or otherwise through exposure. I also realize that there are some that would think this is not a sin because it is you his fantasies are about. I think he should get rid of the behavior. You were meant to be enjoyed in the presence of your husband. Most people with addictions feel they are in the wrong and do not want to be in bondage to those addictions. Thing is, the pull is stronger than they are. Remember this is a spiritual battle and should be fought as a spiritual battle. As my pastor says, hate the sin, not the sinner. Ephesisans 6:12 KJV tells us "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

It's the Lord that delivers from addictions, not one's own will. We don't have that kind of power without the Lord. If you want to see deliverance and your relationship restored, take it to the Lord. Pray with your husband. Pray for your husband. If your husband is up to it, find a trusted pastor or elder to take this matter to for counseling and prayer.

I don't know what kind of church you go to, but I would only approach a pastor or elder where the spirit is working and you know there will be deliverance. Otherwise, I would keep this battle between the two of you and the Lord. I don't say this to offend, but it is useless to take this matter to a church or person that doesn't believe in deliverance. This is a good place to receive counsel because there are people with testimonies of being delivered from such.

I had to clean porn off my computer once, and that experience gave me some insight to this kind of addiction. Although I wasn't looking for the porn, and was totally disgusted by the images I found, the images took hold of me. For months, afterwards, these images would come to me. It was such a driving thing, that I had to get deliverance from it. I had to take authority over it in Jesus' name. I didn't go to anyone about this. I didn't even share this with my husband. I did find victory over it though through the Lord.

In addition to prayer, both of you seek a closer walk with the Lord. That's how we gain strength. Pray, read the word, resist temptation, repent when we fall.... Not one of us is close enough to the Lord that we can't get closer. We need that continual communion with the Lord.

[cheech]

Slug1 and cheech -
Thank you for your testimonies and words of encouragement. It is nice to know that I am not alone in this situation and that hope is out there.

I do need to put out there that I love my husband so much with all my heart and he is a man who listens to and follows God. He has also seen me through some very rough times recently and I am forever grateful for his support for me. A big part of our conversation last night was how he had been decieved that a lot of the stuff he had been doing was okay because it wasn't actually "pornography" and some of it was even within the "confines" of our marriage. He didn't realize how badly it would hurt me until it was out there. I truly trust God to work in him to remove this once and for all in His time and in His way and to protect me from it when He needs to.

The problem I am running in to is how to move on. I only found out yesterday completely for the first time in our 8 years together. I feel so nauseated by the whole thing. Part of it that hurt so badly was that he used images of me as pornography when I wasn't home. It made me feel so filthy, used, and trashed. Something that could be good for our marriage got turned completely around into something that makes my skin crawl. I don't want to be looked at or touched "that way." Does this feeling of repulsiveness to sex go away with time? How do I heal without hurting him more? How do I learn to trust and not have the "what ifs" go through my head during memory flashbacks and times when I'm not home? I don't want to be controlling and untrusting. I want to respect my husband for the man I know he is. I have felt like our marriage over the past year has grown and flourished so much and I want that back. I feel like a dark shadow has come over our home threatening to destroy everything we know. I want to express my love for my husband physically and not worry about what he might do with that later when I'm not home. I want to feel normal again. I have done counseling with theophostics before where I explore my childhood, but honestly this is something I've never encountered before and I don't know what to do with it.

The one thing you need to realize is that this does not mean your husband is a horrible person. He is a person with a stronghold like all of us. There are many Christians whose walk with Christ is strong and are great people, but they struggle with things and have strongholds. So many people think Christians should never struggle and have any problems but the bible states differently:

Psalm 34:19
A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all;

David is a prime example...God loved him so much and David loved the Lord but David had lust problems, committed adultery and put the husband in the front lines of battle to kill him off to hide the sin. David suffered the consequences of that sin in the death of his child.

Moses killed an Egyptian for beating up a fellow Hebrew.

We aren't without sin but God can restore us but it takes time. People like to put time limits on our healing. We can limit ourselves from healing but if God wants us to be healed in a certain amount of time, nothing can stop it. Not everyone heals at the same amount of time so this will take time. What does it require? Much prayer, surrendering and forgiveness. I myself am still in the healing process. People don't realize the depths actions have on others. Some of those roots go very deep and take time to be pulled out. Do I have setbacks? Yes! Do I have flashbacks or trigger moments? Yes! But when those times come I have to quickly surrender it to the Lord:

"Lord, I surrender these negative feelings and thoughts to you. Please take them from me and wipe away the past from my mind so I can forgive as you do."

You will heal but it takes time. A dark shadow has come over your home because that door had been opened by your husband but it only became darker and more prominent when you became aware of it. Now it's time to kick it out and close that door but believe me...it will struggle to leave because it has been in your home for a long time. It made it's home there and will put up a fight in the way of trying to remain an addiction but this is the time you and your husband have to band together as husband and wife and face it together along with Christ and get rid of this intruder. It will take the two of you praying together every day as the bible states:

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

You must work this out together and pray together every day. This shows unification.

I wish I could say your pain will go away quickly but that depends on you and how you are at forgiveness. I know you don't want to do anything to hurt your husband but he has to realize that this will take time for you to overcome as well. Many people say "just forgive and move on" but what they don't realize is that trust has been broken and needs to be built up again. They may not have physically cheated but they did in their minds and the affects of it is just as damaging. If the healing process is hurried along it's now in their time and not God's. There is much learning during the healing process. Yet if we limit ourselves from healing by not surrendering and praying and dwelling on the situation then we are also controlling our healing process and not allowing God to heal us.

You most definitely can regain what you had because there is no problem too big for our Lord!

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

Be careful of some counseling techniques. Nothing will work better than going to the Lord for healing. Not knowing your life but only going by what you are saying...you have done nothing to make him do this. He is the one that needs to overcome this addiction and seek help for it through Christ and a good christian counselor, Pastor or christian based support group. It is something that is within him that needs to be addressed and removed by the Lord. You are suffering from the effects of it...the fall out and need spiritual medical attention for that.

Start by going to God with this and surrendering your feelings and emotions, read the bible to find out what the bible says to do. If you are having difficulties still then go to your Pastor. Your husband needs to begin by confessing his sins to God and asking for forgiveness (from you as well) and repenting. Then he needs to begin a daily spiritual exercise of covering himself in prayer and surrendering his addiction and asking God to show him the root cause of his problem so he can deal with it and remove it. Pray together every day for God to give you both strength to surrender your issues and endurance to move forward. Also patient endurance...to help you to endure the attacks of the enemy patiently:

2 Peter 1:5-7
Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, 6 and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, 7 and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.

Hebrews 10:36
Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.

James 4:7
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

One day at a time.

[GFR1718]

:pray:hELLO, justaquestion , I imagine that it is not easy to live under the roof of a sexual addict, for years I hid an addiction from my brothers and sisters. I served twenty-three years in the armed forces and part of my addiction history came from there also I was raised among drug and alcoholic addicts , no life is not a bed of roses , If your husband is willing try to find him a recovery program so he could get well , you also should look into a recovery program . He openly confesses that was a good thing he is hurting and showing signs of remorse. what I am saying is turn to the well of GOD and hand your's and his problem over to him . For the bible states I am the way , the truth , the life , no one comes to the father just before me

[firstpeterone]

I do need to put out there that I love my husband so much with all my heart and he is a man who listens to and follows God. He has also seen me through some very rough times recently and I am forever grateful for his support for me.
God's been working on me to just need Him. I've been humming the Beatles's tune lately, "All We Need is Love". And God is Love. All we need is God. When God works in me the realization that all I need is Him, I am freed to be wronged, freed to forgive, freed to be supportive, freed to love others, and freed to express the fruits of the Spirit. I need constant reminders. Maybe a reminder that God loves you and that Jesus died for you, and that God's love for you is the most valuable thing you could ever have, to the point that you need nothing else, maybe you can start to move on to reconciling.

[DaniHansen]

** Mod note: In Breaking the Chains, as in all Counseling threads, unhelpful posts are going to be deleted.

If your post went missing it was either because it wasn't helpful or it was in response to a deleted post.

Carry on. :)