Ask Mutt... an advice and answers thread

[Mighty Mutt]

The women folk have Dear Abby... I proudly present to you the man's answer to advice columns, "Ask Mutt." Ever wonder which part of the T-Bone you throw away? Ever wonder why the signal for the fast ball is 1 finger? Here's your chance for you to partake in the wisdom and knowledge of all things manly.

So keep it clean, and "Ask Mutt" anything.

[Slug1]

Here's a question... Does this mean we get to sticky another thread? :lol:

[Mighty Mutt]

You can feel free, good sir.

Next question? :P

[dljc]

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? :lol:

[Mighty Mutt]

143.

One hundred and fourty to wear through the cellophane wrapper, three to lick the candy, then *crunch.* :lol:

[Jollyrogers]

Can you explain women for us Dr Mutt??

[Mighty Mutt]

The answer is in the question... the problem is we misspell the word in English. We spell it "woman" but the original Hebrew word more accurately translates to "Whoaaaa man" or in the Greek "Woe, man." To use it in a sentence "Whoooaaa, man; woe to the man who tries to figure out woman."

As an aside... I took the Mighty Pup to WalMart the other day and as were searching for the Cookie Monster bubble bath, we had to pass through the Wall of Tampons. Of course the Pup, being four years old asked "Dad, what's all that?"

My reply? "Son, you'll understand some day, and even then you won't understand."

This drew an unsettling amount of sinister giggling from the women congregated in the area.

[TEITZY]

The answer is in the question... the problem is we misspell the word in English. We spell it "woman" but the original Hebrew word more accurately translates to "Whoaaaa man" or in the Greek "Woe, man." To use it in a sentence "Whoooaaa, man; woe to the man who tries to figure out woman."

As an aside... I took the Mighty Pup to WalMart the other day and as were searching for the Cookie Monster bubble bath, we had to pass through the Wall of Tampons. Of course the Pup, being four years old asked "Dad, what's all that?"

My reply? "Son, you'll understand some day, and even then you won't understand."

This drew an unsettling amount of sinister giggling from the women congregated in the area.

You are just too funny:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Though when Eve was first created (the perfect woman) I believe Adam said "Wow man". Only after the fall did she become "Woe, man"!

[IamRyan]

In highschool, what is the best way to slowly get a girls interest and then what should you do if you do get that interest.

[Mighty Mutt]

Good question Ryan! Fortunately, I have the answers.

In elementary school, you pull pigtails and tease her on the playground.
In junior high, you pass her notes and ask your friend to ask her friend to ask her if she likes you.
In high school, you date her best friend.

Here's how it works... you treat her best friend well and word is going to get around. And when I say treat her well, I mean like a perfect gentleman. Flowers, holding doors, you pay for dinner, respect her, and don't even think about anything involving "bases."

She's going to tell her friends how wonderful you are, and over time you'll have the girls lined up because every woman wants to be treated like a princess. In reality, she'll never know that you were playing it up in order to catch her eye.

When she does finally show some interest in you, run the other way! Why? Well, do you really want a girl that's dumb enough to fall for all this? :lol:

[lbeaty1981]

Here's an easy one for you. What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything? :)

[Theophilus]

Here's an easy one for you. What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything? :)
I'm no Mighty Mutt, but until he gets back...

*cue cheesy infomercial music*

Hi! My name is Phun D. Mental, and I'm here to tell you how to find the meaning of life, the universe, and everything! You can read all about the answers to those questions (and many more) in...you guessed it...The Bible.

But wait, that's not all. If you act now (and read it), you can look forward to many exciting conversations with like-minded (and not so like-minded) folks. You can graduate from simple believer to fanatic to Bible thumper in next to no time...

*cut scene to man holding The Bible*

"I used to be clueless about just about everything...but after just 6 weeks of reading the Bible...for only 20 minutes a day!...I was able to bring meaning to my life! No more getting philosophical sand kicked in my face when debating with the office secular humanist! I am righteously pumped up!"

*cut scene to woman, reading Bible*
*female voice over*

"At first, I couldn't really see any difference in my understanding...but after a few weeks of reading the Bible, 3 times a week, my wisdom about many things started to increase. My kids couldn't believe the change...and my husband started calling me his "Trophy Theologian"! Thanks, God, for this great book...I haven't had this smoking intellect since I was in college!"

Hurry...this is a limited time offer...delve into the mysteries of life...and start today!

*cheesy music fade-out*

[Nothing]

In highschool, what is the best way to slowly get a girls interest and then what should you do if you do get that interest.

Run up to her, give her a big bear hug, and say "what's up baby!!!!"

[Theophilus]

Run up to her, give her a big bear hug, and say "what's up baby!!!!"

I beg to differ....I believe the correct phrase is "What up, baby!!!!"

Note the lack of the contraction on "what"...it's slight and subtle, but o so important.

Word.

[Chris In O.C.]

So keep it clean, and "Ask Mutt" anything.
Now that the Ducks are Stanley Cup champions, and assuming they keep all
their core players intact, is there any team in the West that can match up
with them toe-to-toe and stop them from reaching the final next year?

...Yes, I'm highly confident in my team

http://cdn.nhl.com/images/upload/2007/06/ducks_team_photo.jpg

[Mighty Mutt]

Here's an easy one for you. What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything? :)

42. And thanks for all the fish. ;)

Now that the Ducks are Stanley Cup champions, and assuming they keep all
their core players intact, is there any team in the West that can match up
with them toe-to-toe and stop them from reaching the final next year?

...Yes, I'm highly confident in my team


At some point this team is going to realize they are named after a Disney movie and their confidence will be shot. So really, they are their own worst enemy.

[Theophilus]

^^^^Great answers...I am humbled by your superior wisdom.

How does one become more Mighty Mutt-like? (Yes, that's an "Ask Mighty Mutt" question...)

[Mighty Mutt]

You train hard, you eat right, say your prayers, and take your Hulkamania vitamins, brother!

http://sportsmedia.ign.com/sports/image/article/630/630882/hulk-hogan-interview-20050701022156353.jpg

[lbeaty1981]

If a car were capable of traveling at the speed of light, then turned its headlights on, what would happen? :confused

[Mighty Mutt]

Using Einstein's theory, E=mc2 and assuming you are driving a DeLorean...

E = mass of car x speed of light, squared
E = 1300 kg x 299,792,458m/s^2
E = 1300 kg x 89,875,517,873,681,764
E = 116,838,173,235,786,293,200 kg/m/s

Which is approximately equal to 1.21 Gigawatts, which would send you back to the future!

Great Scott!

http://www.hhcc.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/04/Back_to_the_Future.jpg

[HisLeast]

As an aside... I took the Mighty Pup to WalMart the other day and as were searching for the Cookie Monster bubble bath, we had to pass through the Wall of Tampons. Of course the Pup, being four years old asked "Dad, what's all that?"

My father tells this story of taking me to the doctor with an ear infection. Inside the observation room was a clinical cut-away view of female anatomy. I pointed and asked "What's that dad?"
"... ... Well son... thats a uh... thats an..."
"Is it an ear?"
"Yes son, thats an ear".

[Jollyrogers]

Dear Ask the Mutt

What is the air speed velocity of a laiden swallow?:D

[Steve M]

-32 fps.

http://www.spaceflightnow.com/shuttle/sts114/050726images/bird.jpg

At least for that unlucky fella.

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Ask the Mutt

What is the air speed velocity of a laiden swallow?:D

Is that an African or a European swallow? ;)

[HisLeast]

Hey Mutt...

If x/x = 1 and 0/x = 0 and x/0 = undefined....

What happens when x = 0? :hmm:

[Mighty Mutt]

Nothing happens. :P

[corijoysdad]

This is a question I'm sure has vexed many a married man:

Occasionally, I accompany my wife to the local Wal-Mart shopping, and sometimes she forgets her purse in the car. She asks me to go get it for her, which I cheerfully do. My question is, when carrying it back through the store, do I casually carry it over my shoulder, as it was intended, do I carry it at arms length as you would a stinky diaper, showing clearly you want nothing to do with it, or do you tuck it under your arm, Walter Peyton style, and make a mad dash through the crowd?

Saturday afternoon-shopping husbands everywhere await the answer.

[Kahtar]

This has gotta be one of the best threads on the board!:lol::rofl:



(anxiously awaiting an answer to corijoysdad's question...)

[IamRyan]

Is that an African or a European swallow? ;)

Well that depends. Were there any coconuts next to the birds?

[Big T]

Now that the Ducks are Stanley Cup champions, and assuming they keep all
their core players intact, is there any team in the West that can match up
with them toe-to-toe and stop them from reaching the final next year?

...Yes, I'm highly confident in my team

http://cdn.nhl.com/images/upload/2007/06/ducks_team_photo.jpgBANNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Nothing]

Who really cares about Hockey anyway?

[Big T]

Who really cares about Hockey anyway?The mod of this forum!

[Nothing]

The mod of this forum!

Oh yeah?

Well, Hockey stinks!!!!!!

:hug:

[HisLeast]

Occasionally, I accompany my wife to the local Wal-Mart shopping, and sometimes she forgets her purse in the car. She asks me to go get it for her, which I cheerfully do. My question is, when carrying it back through the store, do I casually carry it over my shoulder, as it was intended, do I carry it at arms length as you would a stinky diaper, showing clearly you want nothing to do with it, or do you tuck it under your arm, Walter Peyton style, and make a mad dash through the crowd?

Easy... you carry the straps in your fist, but don't hold them by the apex of the parabola. This clearly indicates that you are not, in fact, used to holding a purse.

[Mighty Mutt]

Who really cares about Hockey anyway?

First things first... there are some questions even the Might Mutt won't address. The only thing saving you from a ban is that your brain must be misfiring since you met a new babe. But beware... comments like that will not be forgotten.

This is a question I'm sure has vexed many a married man:

Occasionally, I accompany my wife to the local Wal-Mart shopping, and sometimes she forgets her purse in the car. She asks me to go get it for her, which I cheerfully do. My question is, when carrying it back through the store, do I casually carry it over my shoulder, as it was intended, do I carry it at arms length as you would a stinky diaper, showing clearly you want nothing to do with it, or do you tuck it under your arm, Walter Peyton style, and make a mad dash through the crowd?

Saturday afternoon-shopping husbands everywhere await the answer.

Well, a few problems here... #1 is shopping with a woman. Women go shopping, men go buying. I am sure you see the difference.

#2 If she left her purse in the car that means you have the sole spending authority. Why would you give that up by aiding her access to her wallet?

But to address the question... over the shoulder is a no-no. The only things a man carries over his shoulder are outdoor gear (ie backpacks, Christmas trees), firearms, his kids, or his prospective mate after he sneaks up behind and clubs her a la caveman.

Holding it out in front poses a problem because it makes it evident to everyone that you are in fact carrying a purse.

Walter Payton is a good technique, the only hazard is being mistaken as a mugger and getting tackled by the 90-year-old Wal Mart greeter. And if that guy takes you down, you may as well have a sex-change operation because you'll never see another poker game or fishing trip in your life.

So what to do? I think you have three viable options. Number one, you put it in a cardboard box and walk in purposefully like you are returning something to the auto department. Two, you wrap the snot out of it in duct tape because nothing screams "this is not a purse" louder than duct tape. The third choice, and my personal favorite, is to stuff it in your pants. Do this one time and she'll never, ever, ask you to get the purse again.

I love helping people!

[Jollyrogers]

Dear Stump the Mutt

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?":D:D

[Jollyrogers]

Dear Dr. Mutt


How does one buy "feminine supplies" and still retain his "Manly Dignity" when ones wife sends her husband to the store after them??

.................................................. .............signed
.................................................. ..Confused and Embarassed

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Stump the Mutt

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?":D:D

Bgas asdlje wisaaks sjdr, dopsxc asdlje si opsqaa dfo swa veynasd!

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Dr. Mutt


How does one buy "feminine supplies" and still retain his "Manly Dignity" when ones wife sends her husband to the store after them??

.................................................. .............signed
.................................................. ..Confused and Embarassed

One doesn't. In fact, this may need to be incorporated into Porch Law.

But, if you must... you casually mention to the cashier "Well, at least she's not acting all crazy for no reason!"

[MyRock]

I'm very surprised that PeterJ hasn't asked any questions here yet, he'd have a field day!!!!

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

[Toolman]

The third choice, and my personal favorite, is to stuff it in your pants. Do this one time and she'll never, ever, ask you to get the purse again.

Is that a front loaded stuff or a rear loaded stuff or should one switch the purse back and forth from front to rear to get the full effect?

Also, does inside or outside the boxers/briefs matter? I would think inner would be more likely to achieve the desired result, i.e. never having to fetch said purse again, but I am unclear on this detail.

[Mighty Mutt]

Is that a front loaded stuff or a rear loaded stuff or should one switch the purse back and forth from front to rear to get the full effect?

Also, does inside or outside the boxers/briefs matter? I would think inner would be more likely to achieve the desired result, i.e. never having to fetch said purse again, but I am unclear on this detail.

Definitely front, because it has the added effect of making you walk funny. And yes, of course, "inside."

[HisLeast]

The third choice, and my personal favorite, is to stuff it in your pants. Do this one time and she'll never, ever, ask you to get the purse again.

I imagine that won't be the only you won't get for a while either.
Buh-dun-dun-TISH!

[Big T]

Dear Mutt,

How can there be any sin in sincere? Where is the good in goodbye?

[Nothing]

Mutt,

why?

your buddy,

Jason

[Big T]

I'm very surprised that PeterJ hasn't asked any questions here yet, he'd have a field day!!!!

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?A woodchuck would chuck a chuck of wood, if a woodchuck could chuck wood

[Mighty Mutt]

How can there be any sin in sincere? Where is the good in goodbye?

Todd, Your apprehensions confuse me, puzzle and mystify.

So here's a question for you, Music Man:

Tell me what can be fair in farewell?


why?


How many times do I have to try to tell you that I'm sorry for the things I've done? But when I start to try to tell you that's when you have to tell me this kind of trouble's only just begun.

[Big T]

MM, this is the most important question on here, please advise ASAP....

How do I get my manly man points back after tearing a ligament in my pinky while "gardening" (actually working on sprinklers).

So far I have not washed it, as it has been in a splint and it smells pretty rugged if you ask me. Does that gain me a percentage of a point?

[Mighty Mutt]

You'll need to sterilize it, the backwoods way. I'm guessing you know what that is. ;)

Do this and your man points will be restored.

[Nothing]

MM, this is the most important question on here, please advise ASAP....

How do I get my manly man points back after tearing a ligament in my pinky while "gardening" (actually working on sprinklers).

So far I have not washed it, as it has been in a splint and it smells pretty rugged if you ask me. Does that gain me a percentage of a point?


Can I offer you my RN advice, and tell you that you should dip that pinky in a glass of hydrogen peroxide, and then rubbing alcohol.

[Toolman]

and then rubbing alcohol.

Did somebody say alcohol?

http://tvland.classictvhits.com/AndyGriffith/Pics/AndyGriffith11.JPG

[Jollyrogers]

Dear Stump the Mutt

If Pro is the opposite of Con then is Progress the opposite of Congress?

[Mighty Mutt]

Well, actually "amateur" is also the opposite of pro, making congress a bunch of amateurs. A female legislator is also called a tigress, but I digress.

[Jollyrogers]

Dear Mutt of Mighty Wisdom

If a man speaks in the middle of a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong??

[Slug1]

How do I make my BBQ sauce? :P

[Pilgrimtozion]

Dear MM,

Why has Holland never won the world cup soccer, in spite of having fabulous players?

Benjamin

[Jollyrogers]

How do I make my BBQ sauce? :P


I was savin that question for when I ran out of questions:D

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Mutt of Mighty Wisdom

If a man speaks in the middle of a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong??

Men don't talk if women aren't around. Our ability for vocal emanations was given to us solely for the purpose of slowing down women who are by nature doing all the talking. The word "conversation" actually comes from the Basque word "cunversis" which basically means to interrupt speech with counter-speech so the woman's jaw does not catch on fire.

So, in principle, yes the man is still wrong for going against the natural order by talking when it is not absolutely necessary.

[Mighty Mutt]

How do I make my BBQ sauce? :P

With love.

[TrustingFollower]

Dear MM,

Is your cylinder index equal to or over your age?

TF


(Cylinder Index = number of internal conbustion engine cylinders owned by male person)

P.S. to be a manly man, index must be equal to or above man's age.

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear MM,

Why has Holland never won the world cup soccer, in spite of having fabulous players?

Benjamin

They keep forfeiting games. Word has it FIFA keeps mailing the invitations to the Netherlands so Holland keeps missing the opening touch.

And seriously... orange uniforms???

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear MM,

Is your cylinder index equal to or over your age?

Unfortunately, I live in an apartment so I lose potential cylinders by to having need for lawnmowers, chainsaws, and generators.

My bench index* is above 1.0... does that count as a manly man?



* Bench index is the amount you can bench press divided by your body weight.

[TrustingFollower]

Unfortunately, I live in an apartment so I lose potential cylinders by to having need for lawnmowers, chainsaws, and generators.

My bench index* is above 1.0... does that count as a manly man?



* Bench index is the amount you can bench press divided by your body weight.
Since you have the cool super hero suit, I say it would count.


*Anyone who would be seen in one of those costumes is more manly than most*

[Mighty Mutt]

Thanks! I used to use your picture as my avatar. Really confused your wife. :lol:

[TrustingFollower]

If you used my picture I would suggest not letting the kids see it. I would hate to think about how bad that would scare them.:lol:

[lbeaty1981]

MM, what new items will Apple reveal at this year's Worldwide Developers Conference?

[Mighty Mutt]

They have some interesting things in the works.

- iMicrowave will integrate with both your toaster oven and freezer to make the perfect fish sticks. At this point, however, only Mrs. Pauls and Van de Kamp formats will be supported.

- iVee is a new medical device that will be implanted in the forearm and give doctors instant access to patient history as well as allow for on-the-fly video editing or athroscopic camera footage.

- iSpy is expected to be the featured iTem. It consists of a unit called an iBall whiCh iS used to survey surroundiNgs and create viSual representatiOns. A diGiTal voice synthesiZer then converts the viSuals to words. Tech geeks then have the task of deciPhering what exactly the unit is seeing. The iSpy concept was tested on six year olds who did remarkably well.


Next question?

[Jollyrogers]

Dear Muttamous Maximus

If superman can't be hurt by bullets, why does he duck when they throw the gun?

and

What is the speed of Dark ?

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Muttamous Maximus

If superman can't be hurt by bullets, why does he duck when they throw the gun?

He's an obsessive-compulsive germaphobe and doesn't want to come in contact with something that a villain has handled. Never know where a viallian's hands have been.

What is the speed of Dark ?

It's a sci-fi novel. :P

[Pilgrimtozion]

Dear MightyMutt,

Why do you have all the answers?

[Mighty Mutt]

Because my official retirement plan hinges heavily on winning a lot of money on Jeopardy. :lol:

[Jollyrogers]

Dear Muttamous the magnificant;

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

[Mighty Mutt]

No, but it would qualify him as a serial killer.

[Jollyrogers]

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
:idea:

[Jollyrogers]

Dear Mr. Mutt

If a vampire cannot see its reflection, how is their hair always so neat ?++

[Mighty Mutt]

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
:idea:

Because cats actually hate the taste of mice. That's why they always leave the carcasses for their owners.


Dear Mr. Mutt

If a vampire cannot see its reflection, how is their hair always so neat ?++

I don't know about you, but my wife doesn't let me leave the house until she's straightened up my hair, picked the potato chip crumbs out of my beard, and wiped away the chocolate from the corner of my mouth.

[TrustingFollower]

Dear Mr. Mutt of Knowledge,

Why do dogs always seem surprised when they pass gas?

Singed,
Confused pet owner

[Mighty Mutt]

Because they are trying to figure out how they can roll around in it.

[TrustingFollower]

Dear Mr. Mutt of Knowledge,

Is it exceptable to blame the dog if one were to pass gas while ones wife is in the room?

[Mighty Mutt]

Absolutely not! As they say in the military, "loud and proud!"

[TrustingFollower]

If you are sitting at the table for Thanksgiving dinner is it exceptable to reach as long as you don't put your knee on the table?

[Mighty Mutt]

It is acceptable. However the preferred method is to tilt the table so the desired food items slide toward you.

In the event of the food item near depletion, the Law of Jungle Thanksgiving clause is to be exercised: Survival of the Fittest/The Fastest Hand Wins. Grandma has had 90 years to eat mashed potatoes. It's time for her to pass that torch and go without.

[Pilgrimtozion]

Dear Mighty Mutt,

WHY?!?!?!?!?

Signed,
Mr Inquisitive

[Jollyrogers]

Dear Dr Mutt

If Darth Vader can sence when his son (Luke) is near, then why can he not also sence when his daughter (Leia) is standing next to him when they blow up Alderon in episode IV, A New Hope??

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Mighty Mutt,

WHY?!?!?!?!?

Signed,
Mr Inquisitive

Why not?

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Dr Mutt

If Darth Vader can sence when his son (Luke) is near, then why can he not also sence when his daughter (Leia) is standing next to him when they blow up Alderon in episode IV, A New Hope??

Because her cinnamon bun hair style was actually a cover for the tinfoil hats people wear to block others from reading their thoughts.

http://www.jedi-academy.com/props/leia_headshot.jpghttp://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/f/f3/Tin_foil_hat_2.jpg

[Kahtar]

Besides tinfoil, what man do you know that can read a woman's mind?:dunno:
Soon as you do, they change it anyway.;)

[Mighty Mutt]

You can't read a book without words, Kahtar. :lol:

[Kahtar]

You can't read a book without words, Kahtar. :lol::rofl::lol::rofl:.....................

[Big T]

Speaking of women. Which is easier? Understanding a woman or building a bridge from the mainland of America to Hawaii?

[Mighty Mutt]

Speaking of women. Which is easier? Understanding a woman or building a bridge from the mainland of America to Hawaii?

Ah yes... a good question indeed. Both the ocean tides and the woman are influenced by the moon.

Surprisingly, the answer is "understanding a woman." Why? Because you can fake it, buy some chocolate, and she'll think you're wonderful. But no chocolate in the world is going to save the family that drives their station wagon into the Pacific because someone told them there was a bridge to Ha'w'a'i'i''.

[lbeaty1981]

You can't read a book without words, Kahtar. :lol:

Dear MM,
How can I clean up the coffee I just spit all over my keyboard/monitor after reading your response? :rofl:

[Pilgrimtozion]

Dear Mightiest Mutt,

Can a person learn to kiss or it something that comes naturally? :)

[Jollyrogers]

Dear Mutt Master D

Who let the dogs out????


.......................Sign
...................curious cat

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear MM,
How can I clean up the coffee I just spit all over my keyboard/monitor after reading your response? :rofl:

Just buy a new one. There's no doubt Cheetoh, bread, and peanut crumbs in there already if you're a real man. ;)

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Mightiest Mutt,

Can a person learn to kiss or it something that comes naturally? :)

Well, I personally am a natural but for many "lips on" training works best. The easiest way is to coat your lips in peanut butter and practice on a dog. :P

[Mighty Mutt]

Who let the dogs out????


I believe it was the same person who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp and put the ram in the rama lama ding dong.

Although I still wonder, wonder who, ba-doo-doo who wrote the book of love?

[TrustingFollower]

Dear Mightiest Muttster,

Where does the white go when the snow melts?

[lbeaty1981]

Just buy a new one. There's no doubt Cheetoh, bread, and peanut crumbs in there already if you're a real man. ;)

MM, I just turned my keyboard upside down and tapped it against the table a few times. Just as you predicted, I was met with a shower of various crumbs, as well as a fair amount of dog hair. Have you been snooping around my office again?

[Jollyrogers]

Dear Mutt of many answers

If you choke a smurf, what color does he turn??

If sour cream goes bad, how can you tell??:D

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Mightiest Muttster,

Where does the white go when the snow melts?

It evaporates and forms into clouds. It's called the Law of Conservation of Color. Just don't ask where the yellow goes. ;)

[Mighty Mutt]

MM, I just turned my keyboard upside down and tapped it against the table a few times. Just as you predicted, I was met with a shower of various crumbs, as well as a fair amount of dog hair. Have you been snooping around my office again?

Yes. In fact I'm watching you right now. Quit picking your nose.

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Mutt of many answers

If you choke a smurf, what color does he turn??

What kind of sicko are you? Smurfs are pleasant little forest people, you Gargamel!

If sour cream goes bad, how can you tell??:D

Sour cream, like men, grows beards upon reaching maturity. Typically greenish-blue ones. It's voice also deepens.

[chal]

Why do "They Call the Wind Mariah?" Why don't they just call it "the wind? I mean, why all the hoopla (dramatic songs and such over the name of an everyday occurance? If, they mean it metaphorically, wouldn't "pneuma," be more appropriate? Is it poetic license, or just a deep seated desire to do strange things that drive people to do these things? Could you please answer this question in a musical fashion, either by singing or tap dancing while you speak (I think that would be really neat)?

[Midyrvette]

Mr Mutt,
I have attended MLB games and was wondering about one thing. Why can't pitcher's duels be fought with conventional weapons? Don't you think that it would make a boring game more exciting? Why put the idea that two pitchers are going to duel when nothing of what we know as dueling happens? Help me out here...........

[Jollyrogers]

Dear Coach Mutt

How do I explain football to my girlfriend.

I took my girlfrind to see a local college team play. We had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, I asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, I asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like ...... Hellooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

WHat do I say now:B:B:B:B:B:B




.................................................. ..Sign...confused and dumbfounded

[Slug1]

Dear MM,

I am attempting to consolidate "stuff" I can't throw away but yet will never need again.

Why is my attempt to create organization causing so much chaos? :lol:

[Mighty Mutt]

Why do "They Call the Wind Mariah?" Why don't they just call it "the wind? I mean, why all the hoopla (dramatic songs and such over the name of an everyday occurance? If, they mean it metaphorically, wouldn't "pneuma," be more appropriate? Is it poetic license, or just a deep seated desire to do strange things that drive people to do these things? Could you please answer this question in a musical fashion, either by singing or tap dancing while you speak (I think that would be really neat)?

Actually they used to call the wind "Thelma" but there was a big scandal about what was happening under the cloud covers so Thelma was replaced by Mariah. No matter if it is Thelma or Mariah, everyone knows it's Windy. And Windy has stormy eyes, that flash at the sound of lies.

[Mighty Mutt]

Mr Mutt,
I have attended MLB games and was wondering about one thing. Why can't pitcher's duels be fought with conventional weapons? Don't you think that it would make a boring game more exciting? Why put the idea that two pitchers are going to duel when nothing of what we know as dueling happens? Help me out here...........

In ye olden tymes back when Red and White Sox were Stockings, the pitchers did use actual weaponry. The screwball, for example, had a five inch screw drilled into it and the forkball was named such due to the eating utensil prongs that were jammed into it before being thrown.

The original pitching duels involved two pitchers standing back to back and taking a certain number of paces before turning and trowing the screwball or forkball. Points were scored depending on where on the body the ball hit. For example, one that hit the hand was called a "knuckle-ball" and the highly coveted groin shot was called the the "bean-ball." When a pitcher was sufficiently stunned, the PA announcer would call out "Finish Him!" after which the victorious pitcher would throw a ball directly at the stunned opponent's mouth which came to be known as a spit-ball.

But confusion reigned. Over the years, the number of paces varied widely starting at about 45 feet and eventually settling in at the 60 feet, 6 inches still in use today. But these constant changes led to confusion led to a split in the league and the formation of the AL and NL. Later, pitchers began bringing sticks into battle to help deflect incoming throws. At some point, the American League thought it would be a good idea for someone to use these sticks to protect the pitcher while he throws, and thus the inception of the designated hitter rule.

But alas, as time progressed people began to realize that this practice really hurt and it would be a lot more fun to just throw at the stick men instead of someone who was throwing back. So the ideaof hitters and pitchers was born. Occassionally, a hitter does attempt a counter-attack and it was a tribute to the olden days when Roger Clemens threw the bat back at Mike Piazza.

[chal]

Actually they used to call the wind "Thelma" but there was a big scandal about what was happening under the cloud covers so Thelma was replaced by Mariah. No matter if it is Thelma or Mariah, everyone knows it's Windy. And Windy has stormy eyes, that flash at the sound of lies.

chal > Tanks Mr. Mutt. You are so wise! It all makes perfect sense now and I am no longer distressed because of my wondering.

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Coach Mutt

How do I explain football to my girlfriend.

I took my girlfrind to see a local college team play. We had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, I asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, I asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like ...... Hellooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

WHat do I say now:B:B:B:B:B:B

If you really want to confound her, when Brian Dawkins or Rodney Harrison makes a hard hit, tell her they're probably going to do the Safety Dance.

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear MM,

I am attempting to consolidate "stuff" I can't throw away but yet will never need again.

Why is my attempt to create organization causing so much chaos? :lol:

The answer is Entropy.

According to Wikipedia: The second law of thermodynamics is an expression of the universal law of increasing entropy. In simple terms, it is an expression of the fact that over time, differences in temperature, pressure, and density tend to even out in a physical system that is isolated from the outside world.

What this means is you are fighting nature by trying to force organization. What you really need to do is just be patient. Over time, the differences in organization will even out and be equivalent to what occurs outside the home in nature. And since God designed nature, the highest thing we can do is to allow our homes to naturally reach a similar state.

How? By doing nothing. Don't put your dirty socks away. Don't vacuum up the potato chips you dropped. Don't pack away your complete set of 1984 Field and Stream. Let these things sit and let nature take over.

Then, when you wife asks "Did you think the toilet paper roll was going to change itself?" you can reply confidently that yes, in fact it will if you wait long enough according to the second law of thermodynamics.

If she still complains, turn on Star Trek and wait for Mr. Scott to tell her "You cannot change the laws of physics!"

[atrus912]

Wise Man Mutt,

I am a college student in the process of finding a part-time job, and I'm wondering whether various cooking oils leave their permanent odor on clothing items (as some of my friends say), or whether they can be washed out?

Also, is it unmanly to be concerned with such a smell in the context of trying to get dates with young women around campus? Or should I just not worry about it?

Signed,

Possible Future Fry Cook

[Mighty Mutt]

Wise Man Mutt,

I am a college student in the process of finding a part-time job, and I'm wondering whether various cooking oils leave their permanent odor on clothing items (as some of my friends say), or whether they can be washed out?

Also, is it unmanly to be concerned with such a smell in the context of trying to get dates with young women around campus? Or should I just not worry about it?

Signed,

Possible Future Fry Cook

As a former fry guy-turned chef-turned accountant-turned advice columnist the answer is YES! You will never get the stink of fryer oil off. Worse yet, you will not get the smell out of your head for months after you quit the job.

Seriously. I would quit the one job, threw away the clothes, and still smelled it. I don't know if it was in my skin or in my head but it is horrible.

But there is good news... if you're going to college and you're working at McDonald's, you aren't going to have to worry about smelling stinky near the ladies because they're digging on the guys working the grill at the steakhouse down the road. :lol:

[atrus912]

This makes me sad...

I suppose I have no choice though...

*puts on paper hat and starts making flame-broiled whoppers and fat-laden fries*

[Jollyrogers]

Dear Mutt of unusual vision

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

[Jollyrogers]

Dear ask the Mutt

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Sign,
cooking in Florida

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Mutt of unusual vision

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Because they have foreseen all the people who would try to scam them so they don't even bother buying tickets.

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear ask the Mutt

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Sign,
cooking in Florida

He did. But they had already laid their eggs in the stagnant water aboard the ark. :P

[atrus912]

Dear Wise Man Mutt,

What is the tuition at Mighty Mutt's Super-Awesome Super Heroic School for Superheroes?

...I'm thinking about changing my major in light of the recent discovery of my ability to make cats mow lawns with their teeth just by pure force of will...what do you think, good sir?

[Midyrvette]

Mighty Mutt,
What is it about being in your car alone that makes you want to pick your nose? Happens all the time to me.

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Wise Man Mutt,

What is the tuition at Mighty Mutt's Super-Awesome Super Heroic School for Superheroes?

3 easy payments of $1999999995.95! But wait! If you act now we'll throw in a second tuition for no cost. You just pay shipping!

...I'm thinking about changing my major in light of the recent discovery of my ability to make cats mow lawns with their teeth just by pure force of will...what do you think, good sir?

Good in theory, but have you ever tried to herd cats?

[Mighty Mutt]

Mighty Mutt,
What is it about being in your car alone thaant makes you want to pick your nose? Happens all the time to me.

Truth is, you want to do it all the time. But when you are in a car you tell yourself that at 60 mph no one will know its you. So avoid vanity plates.

[atrus912]

Good in theory, but have you ever tried to herd cats?

So far...I have managed to herd one squad of 14 cats. These work at the same rate as the average push lawnmower.

Thoughts?

[Mighty Mutt]

Yeah... be more careful in what you're feeding them. If housepets are eating grass it's often because their stomachs are upset, not because they want to be landscapers.

[lbeaty1981]

Dearest Mutt,
Back when I was clean-shaven, I could eat chili whenever I wanted, and never had to worry about spilling any on my face. Since I've grown my beard out, though, things have changed. I seem completely incapable of eating chili without spilling at least a spoonful or so onto the beard. Why is this so?

[FPG]

If housepets are eating grass it's often because their stomachs are upset, not because they want to be landscapers.

I have experienced this.. Mutt speaks the truth! :lol:

[atrus912]

I know Mutt speaks the truth!

However, I don't actually have cats. They're not allowed in the dorms. Just thought I might clear that up for anybody.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
However...I do have another question!

Wise Man Mutt,

I have a date in a week, and I can't decide whether to take the young woman in question to see "Die Hard 4", "Evan Alimighty", or "Pirates of the Carribean". What would you suggest?

Sincerely,

Questioning Movies in Georgia

[Mighty Mutt]

Well, movie selection is a tricky one when it comes to dating. You don't want to take her to see "Die Hard" because you're not as tough as Bruce Willis. You can't take her to see "Pirates" because you're not as good-looking as Johnny Depp. So the best bet is "Evan Almighty" because you're not as old as Noah, and that's a good thing. :D

[Mighty Mutt]

Dearest Mutt,
Back when I was clean-shaven, I could eat chili whenever I wanted, and never had to worry about spilling any on my face. Since I've grown my beard out, though, things have changed. I seem completely incapable of eating chili without spilling at least a spoonful or so onto the beard. Why is this so?

The problem is the beard builds up static electricity which then acts on the metal spoon as it nears your mouth, causing the spoon to tip every so slightly in the electromagnetic field. This slight change in angle is what causes the spillage.

So how do you counter this? Well, you can stick your tongue in a light socket before eating to reverse the polarity of the beard. I, however, do not recommend this as it will throw the circuit breaker. Another possibility is to get a Pointer Sisters CD and do the Neutron Dance as neutrons have no charge, this dance should bring your body in line. The third, and most recommended option is the Chili Bong. You figure it out. ;)

[Jollyrogers]

Dear Dr Mutt

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

[Steve M]

Dear Dr Mutt

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
Remember when Mister Mutt mentioned his retirement plan...?

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Dr Mutt

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

Microsoft. :D

[Mighty Mutt]

Remember when Mister Mutt mentioned his retirement plan...?

I wish! As it stands now, my retirement plan is dying before I get too old to work. And yes, I am the moderator of the finance forum here. Why do you ask? :lol:

[TrustingFollower]

Ole Mighty Muttness,

Would it be possiable to see your left eye in your avatar for a change?

Signed,
A watchful Eye

[Mighty Mutt]

Yes. Just move your monitor to the right. :P

[DaveS]

Hey Mutt, when it comes to music I really like Rock, but don't care much for Roll. I can listen to Country, but Western gives me a headache. So what toothpaste should I use?

[atrus912]

Mighty Mutt,

I sent in a question you seem to have overlooked...

Wise Man Mutt,

I have a date in a week, and I can't decide whether to take the young woman in question to see "Die Hard 4", "Evan Alimighty", or "Pirates of the Carribean". What would you suggest?

Sincerely,

Questioning Movies in Georgia

[Mighty Mutt]

Hey Mutt, when it comes to music I really like Rock, but don't care much for Roll. I can listen to Country, but Western gives me a headache. So what toothpaste should I use?

http://productimages.affiliatewindow.com/products/586/photos/picsproducts67952retardextoothpaste.jpg

[Mighty Mutt]

Mighty Mutt,

I sent in a question you seem to have overlooked...

Wise Man Mutt,

I have a date in a week, and I can't decide whether to take the young woman in question to see "Die Hard 4", "Evan Alimighty", or "Pirates of the Carribean". What would you suggest?

Sincerely,

Questioning Movies in Georgia

http://bibleforums.org/forum/showpost.php?p=1325831&postcount=129

Minus 5 points for not paying attention.

[atrus912]

I beg the Mutt's forgiveness.

*grovels*

[DaveS]

http://productimages.affiliatewindow.com/products/586/photos/picsproducts67952retardextoothpaste.jpg

:lol:Thanks, MM. My teeth have never been brighter. See!! :D

Of course now I'm picking up Wrap music in my dental work. Or maybe it's just the voices again. Either way, THANKS DAWG!!!

[ColeS]

42. And thanks for all the fish. ;)



At some point this team is going to realize they are named after a Disney movie and their confidence will be shot. So really, they are their own worst enemy.


LUEser?

OMGoshWTFreakLOLBBQ11!!+1

[Brother Mark]

Dear MM...

When I put cold soda in a thermos it keeps the soda cold. When I put hot coffee in the same thermos, it keeps the coffee hot.

How does the thermos know to keep one thing hot and another cold?

[Jollyrogers]

Dr Dr Mutt, The one who answers all lifes riddles

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?~~

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

[Fundicon]

Dear Doggie Dude,

What's the best way to quit smoking, aside from smearing something bad tasting on the filters? Everyone who has suggested this obviously doesn't realize what a cigarette tastes like...YOU PEOPLE THINK I SMOKE FOR THE FLAVOR?!

Signed,
Smoked in Colorado

[atrus912]

Wise Man Mutt,

Where do babies come from? I've always wondered...

Signed,

Wierdo from Georgia

[RedBird777]

Dear Mighty Mutt,

If Darth Vader and Masutatsu Oyama got into a fight, who would win?

[lbeaty1981]

Dear Mutt,
Why do you no longer answer these questions? Have you run of out answers, or have you simply forsaken us?

[Steve M]

Dear Mutt,
Why do you no longer answer these questions? Have you run of out answers, or have you simply forsaken us?
I think the Mighty Mutt, in his wisdom, realized that by giving us the answers he was robbing us of the ability to learn answers for ourselves, causing us to rely on him. He knew that only by cutting us off could he make us grow as people.

[RedBird777]

I think the Mighty Mutt, in his wisdom, realized that by giving us the answers he was robbing us of the ability to learn answers for ourselves, causing us to rely on him. He knew that only by cutting us off could he make us grow as people.

But aren't there things in life in which a master must teach his apprentice so the world becomes better? If everybody starts on the same page, then there is no progress. However, if someone with experience teaches the inexperienced, the inexperienced will now have knowledge and can act upon that knowledge to gain new types of knowledge and experience. They then become the master and teach THEIR apprentice(s). It is a never-ending cycle of making the new generation better than the last!

[Steve M]

But aren't there things in life in which a master must teach his apprentice so the world becomes better? If everybody starts on the same page, then there is no progress. However, if someone with experience teaches the inexperienced, the inexperienced will now have knowledge and can act upon that knowledge to gain new types of knowledge and experience. They then become the master and teach THEIR apprentice(s). It is a never-ending cycle of making the new generation better than the last!
Ah, but having already apprenticed these years with the Mutt, now _I_ am the master.

(only a master of evil, Steve.....)

[Theophilus]

Ah, but having already apprenticed these years with the Mutt, now _I_ am the master.

(only a master of evil, Steve.....)
Don't be goin' all "Darth Vader" on us, Steve...

[Steve M]

Don't be goin' all "Darth Vader" on us, Steve...
You don't know the power of the dark side! I MUST obey my muttster!

[roshkoch]

Dear Mutt,

Why on earth would a man not want to grow a beard and be somebody? Why do men avoid the God-given hairyness?

Sincerely,

Bearded Someone

[A Seeker]

In my case because wildy has made it very clear that if i grow a beard she will set fire to it while i'm asleep.

to paraphrase scripture

Behold, roshkoch my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man

;)

[A Seeker]

gen 27: 27And he came near, and kissed him: and he smelled the smell of his raiment, and blessed him, and said, See, the smell of my son is as the smell of a field which the LORD hath blessed:


I love this verse. The raiment in question is goat. Always seems a bit of a backhanded compliment.

"Erm, son? You smell. Of goat. Which is cool because god loves the farmyard odour. But seriously boy, go bathe! You hum."

[Otter77]

In Genesis - which son was the hairy wild one that the father loved the most and which was the smooth clever one that ended-up with God's greatest blessing?

[DanDMan64]

Dear Mutt,
Why do you no longer answer these questions? Have you run of out answers, or have you simply forsaken us?
Yea, I wanted to ask MM a question? wher did he go?

WE WANT NIGHTY MUT, WE WANT MIGHTY MUT!

What up with that! if I may be so bold?

:huh:

[A Seeker]

Should somebody go onto the mods forum and ask if we can have our mutt back?

[DanDMan64]

Should somebody go onto the mods forum and ask if we can have our mutt back?
Well Seeker, I hear he's hiding-out in some thread dealing with financial stewardship or something to that effect.

As if that were more important than helping us figure-out why hot dogs come in bags of 12 yet buns only have 10 per bag, I was hoping he could tell us what two do with the other two dogs? or should we buy two bags of buns and let the other 8 buns rot?

I guess we'll never know... :cry:

[A Seeker]

Have PM'd mutt the following.


Have you seen the "ask mutt" thread recently? Your people need you brother! We are lost and bereft without your answers to the mysteries of life. Its desparate, desparate i tell you. "Things fall apart, the center cannot hold, mere anarchy is loosed upon the world."

Can you at least speak to you public and tell us whats up? We miss you dude!

Hopefully
Seeker.


I guess we just have to wait and hope.

[DanDMan64]

You don't know the power of the dark side! I MUST obey my muttster!OK Steve, since you think you have what it takes to be the "Muttster's" new hope. Here's the question.

Hot dogs come in packs of 12, but hot dog buns come in bags of 10, provided you have no dogs or pets to give the extra dogs to, what do you do with the other two dogs?

Oh sure you could just eat them without the buns, or use some other kind of bread, but then they truly wouldn't be hot dogs would they? they would just be winers in some kind of weird bread hybrid thing.

You could toss them, but that would be a sin, if you remember your Mom said there are starving people in Africa that would kill for those dogs, buns or no. You could ship them out to them but by the time they get there they'd be moldy and uneatable. You could just get another bag of buns but then you'd have 8 useless buns, so what do you do with them, the cycle would start all over again.

Dam them bun making bakers, why do they do this to us? why oh why do they put us in this quandary?

So tell us Steve? what do we do? what do we do? :confused

[xlive_4_godx]

Give 10% to the church!!

90% goes to the birds in my house ;)

[A Seeker]

OK Steve, since you think you have what it takes to be the "Muttster's" new hope. Here's the question.

Hot dogs come in packs of 12, but hot dog buns come in bags of 10, provided you have no dogs or pets to give the extra dogs to, what do you do with the other two dogs?

Oh sure you could just eat them without the buns, or use some other kind of bread, but then they truly wouldn't be hot dogs would they? they would just be winers in some kind of weird bread hybrid thing.

You could toss them, but that would be a sin, if you remember your Mom said there are starving people in Africa that would kill for those dogs, buns or no. You could ship them out to them but by the time they get there they'd be moldy and uneatable. You could just get another bag of buns but then you'd have 8 useless buns, so what do you do with them, the cycle would start all over again.

Dam them bun making bakers, why do they do this to us? why oh why do they put us in this quandary?

So tell us Steve? what do we do? what do we do? :confused


I would not dream of claiming to be mutt or even steve but i'll have a go!

Perhaps the discrepancy is due to the nature of communities. The Book of acts is quite clear on communal living (acts 2:42). In a community assuming there are enough of you you could buy 5 packets of "dogs" (totalling 60) and 6 packets of buns (totalling 60) and everyone is a winner (weiner?)

However we have gone astray in modern days and live in small family units. You should not curse the bun makers when its you're unbiblical living thats at fault!:rolleyes:

Perhaps the apparent discepancy is Gods way of convicting us for not living as acts suggests.

All the answers are in the book.;)

[Steve M]

OK Steve, since you think you have what it takes to be the "Muttster's" new hope. Here's the question.

Hot dogs come in packs of 12, but hot dog buns come in bags of 10, provided you have no dogs or pets to give the extra dogs to, what do you do with the other two dogs?

Oh sure you could just eat them without the buns, or use some other kind of bread, but then they truly wouldn't be hot dogs would they? they would just be winers in some kind of weird bread hybrid thing.

You could toss them, but that would be a sin, if you remember your Mom said there are starving people in Africa that would kill for those dogs, buns or no. You could ship them out to them but by the time they get there they'd be moldy and uneatable. You could just get another bag of buns but then you'd have 8 useless buns, so what do you do with them, the cycle would start all over again.

Dam them bun making bakers, why do they do this to us? why oh why do they put us in this quandary?

So tell us Steve? what do we do? what do we do? :confused
You've heard of Double Cheeseburgers, right?

...

Think about it.

[DanDMan64]

You've heard of Double Cheeseburgers, right?

...

Think about it.Steve, I do detect a bit of that "mutt" wisdom in your words, so there is some hope for our "new hope".

I'm not convince yet though, I'll have to come-up with a few tougher tests for you. But well done, my friend, well done.


Of course eating the dogs without buns was always OK with me anyway. in fact that's usually what I do with them, just FYI. :lol:

[DanDMan64]

I would not dream of claiming to be mutt or even Steve but i'll have a go!

Perhaps the discrepancy is due to the nature of communities. The Book of acts is quite clear on communal living (acts 2:42). In a community assuming there are enough of you you could buy 5 packets of "dogs" (totalling 60) and 6 packets of buns (totalling 60) and everyone is a winner (weiner?)

However we have gone astray in modern days and live in small family units. You should not curse the bun makers when its you're unbiblical living thats at fault!:rolleyes:

Perhaps the apparent discrepancy is Gods way of convicting us for not living as acts suggests.

All the answers are in the book.;)Hey Seeker, I like your answer better, and not just because it is biblical but because it shows your own willingness to figure-out life's questions on your own with-out "MightyMutt". So be proud for yourself my friend, be very proud.

I was already feeling led of The Lord to give the extra dogs to the guy on the off-ramp with the "WILL WORK FOR FOOD" sign, that way he gets free food, and I don't have to wonder what he would do with the cash I feel so guilty about not usually giving him. That way we both win with the winners (weiners?) too. ;)

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear MM...

When I put cold soda in a thermos it keeps the soda cold. When I put hot coffee in the same thermos, it keeps the coffee hot.

How does the thermos know to keep one thing hot and another cold?

That kind of technology doesn't actually exist.

A thermos doesn't actually maintain temperature. What it does is record the temperature of something put into it, then a photovoltaic sensor imparts that temperature to your lips when you drink. All beverages in a thermos end up at room temperature, it's just that the spout changes your month temperature.

[Mighty Mutt]

Dr Dr Mutt, The one who answers all lifes riddles

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?~~

So you can figure out what it is you're holding in your hand when you could be reading Sports Illustrated.

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

The only reason you need ID is so the clerk can take a look at the horrible picture and get a chuckle knowing that's probably what you look like when you're drunk.

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Doggie Dude,

What's the best way to quit smoking, aside from smearing something bad tasting on the filters? Everyone who has suggested this obviously doesn't realize what a cigarette tastes like...YOU PEOPLE THINK I SMOKE FOR THE FLAVOR?!

Signed,
Smoked in Colorado

Anyone can smoke through their mouth. Try smoking one through your nose and I think you'll change your ways.

[Mighty Mutt]

Wise Man Mutt,

Where do babies come from? I've always wondered...

Signed,

Wierdo from Georgia

If you buy a crib for $100 or more, you get a mail-in coupon for a free baby.

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Mighty Mutt,

If Darth Vader and Masutatsu Oyama got into a fight, who would win?

Vader wins. Oyama died in the 90's. Even if he was alive, "dark side force stranglehold from across the room" is hard to top.

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Mutt,
Why do you no longer answer these questions? Have you run of out answers, or have you simply forsaken us?

I was scaling the Himalayas searching for wisdom. Couldn't find any, but there is a Starbucks at Everest's base camp.

[Mighty Mutt]

I think the Mighty Mutt, in his wisdom, realized that by giving us the answers he was robbing us of the ability to learn answers for ourselves, causing us to rely on him. He knew that only by cutting us off could he make us grow as people.

Yeah, thanks Grasshopper. Now get off my Throne of Wisdom. But thanks for keeping it warm for me. Now go get me a juicebox!

[Slug1]

Now go get me a juicebox!:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Mighty Mutt]

Ah, but having already apprenticed these years with the Mutt, now _I_ am the master.

(only a master of evil, Steve.....)

Steve M, if you strike me down I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

[Mighty Mutt]

Yea, I wanted to ask MM a question? wher did he go?

WE WANT NIGHTY MUT, WE WANT MIGHTY MUT!

What up with that! if I may be so bold?

:huh:

Behold, I hath returnededeth.

[Mighty Mutt]

OK Steve, since you think you have what it takes to be the "Muttster's" new hope. Here's the question.

Hot dogs come in packs of 12, but hot dog buns come in bags of 10, provided you have no dogs or pets to give the extra dogs to, what do you do with the other two dogs?

Oh sure you could just eat them without the buns, or use some other kind of bread, but then they truly wouldn't be hot dogs would they? they would just be winers in some kind of weird bread hybrid thing.

You could toss them, but that would be a sin, if you remember your Mom said there are starving people in Africa that would kill for those dogs, buns or no. You could ship them out to them but by the time they get there they'd be moldy and uneatable. You could just get another bag of buns but then you'd have 8 useless buns, so what do you do with them, the cycle would start all over again.

Dam them bun making bakers, why do they do this to us? why oh why do they put us in this quandary?

So tell us Steve? what do we do? what do we do? :confused

If I may step in... you can't find hot dogs in packs of 12 around here. 8 is pretty standard. So we'll have a picnic... you bring your 12 pack and a 10 pack of buns, I'll bring an 8 pack and a 10 pack of buns, and we're all set.... 20 dogs, 20 buns.

[lbeaty1981]

The Mutt has returned! Woohoo!!! :pp

Dearest Mutt, thou hast returned on the eve of a great crisis of mine. Tomorrow is the big chili cookoff at work, but I am lacking a key ingredient for my infamous deer chili...namely, the deer. I have concocted a batch with beef, but it's just not the same. Any recommendations on how I might pull off a win this year?

[Follow_Me_Infantry]

The Mutt has returned! Woohoo!!! :pp

Dearest Mutt, thou hast returned on the eve of a great crisis of mine. Tomorrow is the big chili cookoff at work, but I am lacking a key ingredient for my infamous deer chili...namely, the deer. I have concocted a batch with beef, but it's just not the same. Any recommendations on how I might pull off a win this year?

Dude, next time PM me. I have 50 pounds of Elk stew meat in my freezer. I'd have sent you all your heart desired!

[Mighty Mutt]

The Mutt has returned! Woohoo!!! :pp

Dearest Mutt, thou hast returned on the eve of a great crisis of mine. Tomorrow is the big chili cookoff at work, but I am lacking a key ingredient for my infamous deer chili...namely, the deer. I have concocted a batch with beef, but it's just not the same. Any recommendations on how I might pull off a win this year?

Ah, a subject near and dear to me. I won the work chili-cookoff in 2005 and was runner up in 2006 and 2007. If you think having the deer taste is a surefire way to victory, then you gotta strive for that taste. In the absence of deer, and an assumed unwillingness to kill a dog, add about a tablespoon of dirt to the pot. Seriously. I'm talking go into the woods where this time of year it has that decaying "woods" smell. Get a spoonful and stir it in. People won't be able to place the taste and when you explain it's deer chili, the psychological scale is tilted your way.

If that doesn't work, get a five gallon bucket of the dirt and dump a quart into each of the other pots.

[lbeaty1981]

Dude, next time PM me. I have 50 pounds of Elk stew meat in my freezer. I'd have sent you all your heart desired!

I will most definitely keep that in mind! In the meantime, however, we shall see how the "dirt" theory works out. :lol:

[lbeaty1981]

Okay, so instead of dirt, I added a bit more cayenne pepper and chili powder than usual, and marinated the meat for 2 days before cooking. The end result: 3rd place! :D

This was most definitely a learning experience for me. Not having my old stand-by of deer meat, I was free to experiment a bit more than I usually would, and have discovered some ways to make my already awesome deer chili even better. Next time, the golden mouse will be mine. :D

[A Seeker]

Oh great and wise mutt. Answer me this.

Why, on a packet of peanuts, upon which is emblazoned PEANUTS on the front in big letters, is there a tiney tiny warning on the back saying "warning, may contain traces of nuts". What up with that?

[Jollyrogers]

Oh great and wise mutt. Answer me this.

Why, on a packet of peanuts, upon which is emblazoned PEANUTS on the front in big letters, is there a tiney tiny warning on the back saying "warning, may contain traces of nuts". What up with that?

Yea, and why do they warn us that they may have been cooked in peanut oil?? Is peanut oil poisonous

[boflex007]

Dearest Mutt,

Why were fingernail clippers invented when biting your nails off is so much easier?

Thanks.

[Steve M]

Yeah, thanks Grasshopper. Now get off my Throne of Wisdom. But thanks for keeping it warm for me. Now go get me a juicebox!
I have returned, with thine box of juice in hand.

[catfriedrice]

Dearest MuttoMighty

What is the average number of days Christmas music can be played before it grows annoying?

[Jollyrogers]

Dear Mutt of mysteriously hidden Wisdom


Why is an army called an infantry if you have to be over 18 to get in?:idea:

Also

If a turtle loses its shell, is it considered naked or homeless ?++:rofl::D

[Jollyrogers]

Dear Wise Mutt

I have heard a rumor that a flock of 8 deer goes rooftop to rooftop every christmas eve. Is it legal to set up my deer stand behind my house for the christmas eve hunt or would that be considered hunting over a baited field ( I hear you have to leave milk and cookies to get them to come):idea:??

[lbeaty1981]

Dear Wise Mutt

I have heard a rumor that a flock of 8 deer goes rooftop to rooftop every christmas eve. Is it legal to set up my deer stand behind my house for the christmas eve hunt or would that be considered hunting over a baited field ( I hear you have to leave milk and cookies to get them to come):idea:??

Might as well play it safe and head on down here to Texas. We have no laws against hunting baited fields around here. :lol:

[catfriedrice]

Dearest Mighty Mutt.

Why doesn't The strange bearded fat man that visits us on the Eve of Christmas turn into a blob of pink from the 4,315,015 or so pounds of force from his deer-drawn sleigh's dead stop to 650 miles a second (Assuming that's how fast he must move to make all his visits?) per house?

[A Seeker]

Why doesn't The strange bearded fat man that visits us on the Eve of Christmas turn into a blob of pink from the 4,315,015 or so pounds of force from his deer-drawn sleigh's dead stop to 650 miles a second (Assuming that's how fast he must move to make all his visits?) per house?


Airbag?:confused

[Mighty Mutt]

Oh great and wise mutt. Answer me this.

Why, on a packet of peanuts, upon which is emblazoned PEANUTS on the front in big letters, is there a tiney tiny warning on the back saying "warning, may contain traces of nuts". What up with that?

Makes you wonder if what they're calling peanuts are really peanuts, eh?

[Mighty Mutt]

Yea, and why do they warn us that they may have been cooked in peanut oil?? Is peanut oil poisonous

No, but it should be changed after every 3,000 bags.

[Mighty Mutt]

Dearest Mutt,

Why were fingernail clippers invented when biting your nails off is so much easier?

Thanks.

The clippers were invented for those who wanted to avoid biting into "nose diamonds" stuck under the fingernail.

[Mighty Mutt]

I have returned, with thine box of juice in hand.

You have been restored to a position of honor in the Mutt's royal court. Go in peace.

[Mighty Mutt]

Dearest MuttoMighty

What is the average number of days Christmas music can be played before it grows annoying?

Minus 6. At this point, everything there is to sing about Christmas has been sung, in every genre, by every artist. Either something new needs to happen, or we need to start playing the songs backwards.

Rumor has it that if you play Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" backwards you can clearly hear "Santa is dead."

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Mutt of mysteriously hidden Wisdom


Why is an army called an infantry if you have to be over 18 to get in?:idea:

18 year olds are infants to the real world. :D



Also

If a turtle loses its shell, is it considered naked or homeless ?++:rofl::D
If a turtle loses it's shell, it's considered soup.

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Wise Mutt

I have heard a rumor that a flock of 8 deer goes rooftop to rooftop every christmas eve. Is it legal to set up my deer stand behind my house for the christmas eve hunt or would that be considered hunting over a baited field ( I hear you have to leave milk and cookies to get them to come):idea:??

It is legal. Fact is, it only requires 4 deer to pull the sleigh. Santa has a team of 9 (you forgot Rudolph) because Rudolph's nose is actually a laser site for the machine gun-toting elf that rides shotgun with Santa. And the other four reindeer are spare tires.

Not that it matters... just for thinking such thoughts I can pretty much guarantee you won't be receiving a vist from Santa for many years. Don't be surprised to find a coal train derailed in your backyard though.

[Mighty Mutt]

Dearest Mighty Mutt.

Why doesn't The strange bearded fat man that visits us on the Eve of Christmas turn into a blob of pink from the 4,315,015 or so pounds of force from his deer-drawn sleigh's dead stop to 650 miles a second (Assuming that's how fast he must move to make all his visits?) per house?

The strange, bearded fat man is your uncle Al. Show some respect.

As for Santa Claus, your answer lies in the theory of relativity. We'll need a 1,000 word essay on your findings or else you won't be seeing any gifts either.

[Midyrvette]

Hi Mighty Mutt:

Why do you “put your two cents in” when it is only “a penny for your thoughts”? What happens to the other penny?

[Mighty Mutt]

Hi Mighty Mutt:

Why do you “put your two cents in” when it is only “a penny for your thoughts”? What happens to the other penny?

I always give 200%. For others, though, it's because half of their thoughts are really just filler. :D

[Follow_Me_Infantry]

Hi Mighty Mutt:

Why do you “put your two cents in” when it is only “a penny for your thoughts”? What happens to the other penny?

Taxes.

Duh.

:D

[DanDMan64]

Happy Holidays MM, I hope you and the rest of the "Mutts" had a wonderful time.

My question is concerning "The 12 days of Christmas" song, what in the world are they talking about? :o

Christmas day is on the 25th, Christmas eve is on the 24th, so assuming they start counting from a day before Christmas up to the 25th, that would be December 14th, so what's so special about the 14th of December, that someone thought it would be the appropriate day to start a count down of twelve days?:confused

I would think starting on the 1st day of December to start a count down for the big day would make more sense, but what do I know, I guess that would only make an annoying song almost twice as long, though it would be interesting to see what they add as a gift for the 13th day and the 14th day and so on, maybe 13 Ocean's stealing, 14 brats a barffin?

Anyway, if you don't have an answer for this one I'd understand, as it really has no relevance to my life as I know my "True Love" would not dare give me none of that junk in the song any way, I mean where would I ever be able to store a partridge in a pear tree? I'm sure the Salvation Army doesn't have "A pear tree and partridges" collection site, or do they?

Have a happy New Year man! :pp

[Otter77]

Happy Holidays MM, I hope you and the rest of the "Mutts" had a wonderful time.

My question is concerning "The 12 days of Christmas" song, what in the world are they talking about? :o

Christmas day is on the 25th, Christmas eve is on the 24th, so assuming they start counting from a day before Christmas up to the 25th, that would be December 14th, so what's so special about the 14th of December, that someone thought it would be the appropriate day to start a count down of twelve days?:confused

I would think starting on the 1st day of December to start a count down for the big day would make more sense, but what do I know, I guess that would only make an annoying song almost twice as long, though it would be interesting to see what they add as a gift for the 13th day and the 14th day and so on, maybe 13 Ocean's stealing, 14 brats a barffin?

Anyway, if you don't have an answer for this one I'd understand, as it really has no relevance to my life as I know my "True Love" would not dare give me none of that junk in the song any way, I mean where would I ever be able to store a partridge in a pear tree? I'm sure the Salvation Army doesn't have "A pear tree and partridges" collection site, or do they?

Have a happy New Year man! :pp


I love this one... random trivia intrigues me highly...

12 days FROM Christmas to January 6th a.k.a. "The day of Epiphany" which is when it is believed that the 3 Magi visited baby Jesus and delivered gifts.... this actually used to be the day that gifts were exchanged.

More info:

http://www.cresourcei.org/cy12days.html

[DanDMan64]

I love this one... random trivia intrigues me highly...

12 days FROM Christmas to January 6th a.k.a. "The day of Epiphany" which is when it is believed that the 3 Magi visited baby Jesus and delivered gifts.... this actually used to be the day that gifts were exchanged.

More info:

http://www.cresourcei.org/cy12days.htmlHey Chris, I hope you had a blessed Christmas as well. Thanks for clearing this-up for me, not that it was keeping me-up at night or anything. ;)

I think we better keep this quiet though, if the powers that be get a hold of this, we'll soon be looking at having to buy gifts for a 12 day long holiday instead of just the one. Ay Caramba! :o

[Otter77]

Hey Chris, I hope you had a blessed Christmas as well. Thanks for clearing this-up for me, not that it was keeping me-up at night or anything. ;)

I think we better keep this quiet though, if the powers that be get a hold of this, we'll soon be looking at having to buy gifts for a 12 day long holiday instead of just the one. Ay Caramba! :o

hahaha.... thanks man. In spite of both my kids having Croup we still had an awesome Christmas. I ran the visuals service for our Christmas Eve at Church all Monday afternoon (from about 1pm to about 7:30) and had an awesome time enjoying that as well.

If it's any comfort -- they ONLY opened presents on the 12th day *and* they were generally cheap presents... as in the kind you could hang from the tree itself...

I'll be home for Christmas
You can plan on me
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents on the tree

[lionloversam]

What is the point of decaffinated coffee, if you think about it? It is like decaf red bull.

[IWalkWithHim]

Here's an easy one for you. What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything? :)

I was in the field (oops, I'm ex-military) some years ago and a good friend of mine asked me that exact same question. When I gave him my one word answer, he wanted to reject it but the more he thought about it, he came back and say just how phat that answer was and how it made all the sense in the world.

My answer was "time".

[Mighty Mutt]

What is the point of decaffinated coffee, if you think about it? It is like decaf red bull.

Decaf is for those who want the stained teeth and bad breath that coffee offers without the benefits of the mild stimulant that normal people get. Cross reference: diet caffeine-free soda pop.

[thethirdtuttle]

Yay!

That's all I had to say, really. LOL

Yours in Christ,

Benjamin:pp

[thethirdtuttle]

I have a question. I am a cashier at a supermarket, and have always been curious as to why groceries take up SO much more volume after they have been bagged than before. It can't be the cumulative added thickness of the bags; after all, they are only a few millimeters thick each. Any ideas?

Yours in Him,

Benjamin

P.S. "Pay no attention to the Mutt behind the curtain." B

[TruthFaith]

how do you ollie on a skateboard?

[Jollyrogers]

Dear Mr Mutt

Explain women:D


Signed Clueless

[HisLeast]

Deleted...........

[RedBird777]

Oh, Mighty Mutt, please hear our please and answer our difficult questions! For I have a stumper of a question, and what a mystery it is!

Why do girls expect me to understand them when they don't understand me?

[Mighty Mutt]

I have a question. I am a cashier at a supermarket, and have always been curious as to why groceries take up SO much more volume after they have been bagged than before. It can't be the cumulative added thickness of the bags; after all, they are only a few millimeters thick each. Any ideas?

Yours in Him,

Benjamin

P.S. "Pay no attention to the Mutt behind the curtain." B

Groceries are allergic to paper bags so when placed in them they swell up. They get hives too, but the hives cook out.

[Mighty Mutt]

Dear Mr Mutt

Explain women:D


Signed Clueless

Dude, some things are beyond even mine own wisdom.

[HisLeast]

Groceries are allergic to paper bags so when placed in them they swell up. They get hives too, but the hives cook out.

HE LIVES!!
(15 characters)

[Mighty Mutt]

Oh, Mighty Mutt, please hear our please and answer our difficult questions! For I have a stumper of a question, and what a mystery it is!

Why do girls expect me to understand them when they don't understand me?

Ah, to be young and in love. They don't really expect you to understand them. They just want you to listen with your mouth shut. Nod, buy flowers, and hold her. That = understanding in their book.

And believe me, women understand men just fine. How hard is it to understand "sports, cheeseburgers, sunday newspaper in the bathroon, repeat?"

[Mighty Mutt]

HE LIVES!!
(15 characters)

Inconceivable, I know!

http://sarcasticgamer.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/blogger/_8nU3FW11_UI/RvqIy2uXo5I/AAAAAAAAAbk/5uig0UieWEc/s400/inconceivable.jpg

[baxpack7]

Dude-you post like, what-twice a year now?:rolleyes:

[Mighty Mutt]

This is my fifth post in 2009. :P

Are you saying you miss me?

[slightlypuzzled]

This is my fifth post in 2009. :P

Are you saying you miss me?


Yeah, some of us have.....;) :thumbsup:

[motormouf]

this has to be the funniest stuff I've ever heard but....

O great and wise one, source of great knowledge. Please pardon my ignorace but answer me this,

If when a woman is angry, any attempt by a man to talk and reason with her only makes her angrier, but if he stays silent she get upset at his lack of communication. So what then must the man do???

[Clavicula_Nox]

this has to be the funniest stuff I've ever heard but....

O great and wise one, source of great knowledge. Please pardon my ignorace but answer me this,

If when a woman is angry, any attempt by a man to talk and reason with her only makes her angrier, but if he stays silent she get upset at his lack of communication. So what then must the man do???

I'm not Mutt, but here goes:


As you say, Reason is impossible. Why attempt the impossible?

As you say, Silence is incorrect. Why be incorrect?

The answer is: Speaking softly and gently, with some form of affectionate and soothing physical contact will surely see you to victory. I prefer the arm around shoulder, hand petting the hair technique.

http://en.wikivisual.com/images/9/95/Zhuge_Liang.jpg

[Scruffy Kid]

This is my fifth post in 2009. :P

Are you saying you miss me?
Just saw this.

Wow, John.
Yes of course.
Boy do I -- and we all -- miss you!

[motormouf]

I'm not Mutt, but here goes:


As you say, Reason is impossible. Why attempt the impossible?

As you say, Silence is incorrect. Why be incorrect?

The answer is: Speaking softly and gently, with some form of affectionate and soothing physical contact will surely see you to victory. I prefer the arm around shoulder, hand petting the hair technique.

http://en.wikivisual.com/images/9/95/Zhuge_Liang.jpg Dude this is my mom we're talking about. Eew

[Clavicula_Nox]

Wasn't specified, not my fault.