(Thanks for reading the long post, if you have the patience.)
I need help. I was divorced a little over a year ago and for the life of me, I don't think I can ever trust another woman to be faithful/loyal. I'm certain my ex-wife cheated on me with several different partners during the 15 years of marriage. Even more discouraging, women I date in my age group, they all tell me that their married friends and friends with boyfriends all cheat around. Sure, there are a few exceptions here and there, but by and large, most women are not loyal.
From my perspective, if a woman in a relationship gets the slightest bit bored with her man, she'll look elsewhere for excitement.
What is really scaring me lately, is, I've been trying to find some material on the internet that would help me figure out how to solve this problem. Many women tell me that women won't cheat as long as their husband/boyfriend takes care of them properly and keeps them happy...Keep a woman happy??? Is that even possible??? Seems most of them would sooner be unhappy than happy...they tend to manufacture drama in their lives.
So anyway, since the divorce, I've been trying to re-learn the skills I had in college on how to meet women. What I can tell you is, if you want to have relationships with women, meeting them (and seducing them) is a skill. There's nothing natural about it for most men.
I won't lie to you guys, I've been studying the information available from the seduction community (aka known as pick-up artists). No, I'm not perfect, but I'm kinda scared of where this is taking me...I'll explain in a minute.
Basically, after my divorce, I ended up going to social venues, bars mainly, trying to meet women with the idea that I would possibly get a new girlfriend. I was horrible with women. I was afraid to talk to them. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to escalate sexually and ended up being "just friends" with them. In short, I was a disaster with women.
So, I started searching the internet for help and ended up studying seduction skills for the last year or so. At first, I thought it was great, but what always happens is, I get a few girlfriends and then they all determine, eventually, that they aren't into the "open" relationship. What I'd really like is a steady girlfriend that could one day possibly be a good wife for me.
The problem is, as stated earlier, I don't think I can ever trust a woman again. I've avoided the exclusive relationship, so I could continue to advance my skills.
Approaching women and getting the option of making them your girlfriend is a skill. There's nothing natural about it. We men, we suffer from what is known as Approach Anxiety. In other words, a beautiful woman walks in to a place with her friends, why don't all the single men immediately go introduce themselves? We men are afraid of rejection, we're afraid of approaching women. In fact, I have several male friends who are approaching 40 and it looks like some of these poor guys will never get married...they can't even find a girlfriend on this planet. It's because they don't have the skills to make it happen. They're good men, honest, good paying jobs, good balance sheets/assets...I know they all want a girlfriend...they just have no skills to make it happen.
The seduction community is very focused on female psychology. I've think I've learned a lot about how the female mind works over the last year or so. At least I think I have.
So anyway, I was on one of these seduction forums about a month ago and there was a link to a snippet of one of these TV day shows where they have guests, kind of like Oprah. Gene Simmons was the guest of honor that day, the former KISS band member. Anyway, this is where I'm getting scared of where this is taking me. Gene Simmons said he was a practicing Hedonist. One of the things he said during that show was "Guys, you can't control your women. If they want to go out, they're gonna go out."
Now, here is where my mind, logically, wants to totally agree with this and investigate further.
Back in grandma & granpa's day, grandma never went to happy hour with her friends after work. That kind of behavior was unheard of. The danger with this is, when men get alcohol in their system, that's when they magically find the courage to approach women. Most single men won't dare try this sober, but after a few drinks... Most well intentioned women can be fairly easily swept off their feet if the right guy comes along and says the right things and does the right things and the conditions are just right...women tend to do what feels good in the moment. If she's at all unhappy with their husband...he's too inattentive, or he ignores her or he is too nice or too controlling or whatever...she'll make a poor decision and rationalize her poor behavior later.
And here is where I've realized the deck gets even MORE stacked against a loyal man/husband: Remember, approaching women is a skill. Kind of like a door to door salesman, a new recruit isn't gonna be very good at first, but after getting used to it for a few weeks, the sales start to come in. Approaching women works the same way. Without continued practice, a man's skillset (that of approaching women) quickly erodes to nothing. Even if we just have a girlfriend, we stop approaching women because we have an excuse to avoid the probable rejection. That's why if you look at most married men, they don't have nice hair cuts, they don't wear the kind of trendy clothes they did in their single days, they tend to be un-tanned, over weight, seldom see the inside of gym, never watch what they eat...basically, they become sexually unattractive. They're, for lack of a better phrase, checked out of the "game".
But the women, the wives, what's going on there? They're still doing all the make-up, wearing cool clothes and shoes, doing their hair, nails, tanning, etc. They still put forth effort to look pretty. Why?
Well, it all boils to my newest theory that goes hand in hand with Hedonism, and that's why I'm here.
You see, as men exit the "game" and lose their skills that they used to find their wife, our female options quickly erode into nothing. Now realize, in our species, it's the male who pursues the female, not the other way around. I'm a very good looking guy, but I can tell you right now, women will NOT approach me. They might stand near me, but if they're interested in meeting me, they're NOT gonna initiate a conversation with me. I have to be the one to initiate the conversation. Just the way it is.
So anyway, back to the Hedonist predicament that exists in my mind. As men enter into relationships, our female options erode to just our girlfriend/wife VERY quickly. We naturally ASSUME that the same holds true for our girlfriend/wife, but it doesn't. Her male options remain just as they were before the man committed to her exclusively. She still has just as many men hitting on her today as she did before she took you on as her girlfriend/wife. Other men don't care...they're still gonna try to bed her.
And therein lies the problem. In our current state of society, if you try to control your wife and prevent her from going out with friends, they'll divorce you and label you controlling & jealous.
This is where the Hedonism comes in. The hedonists, though they don't really advertise their stuff as hedonist very much, that's kind of hidden but it's there, they have ALL kinds of information available on how to deal with women in the adulterous generation (I think it's my generation), female psychology, what to do and what not to do when she does this or that...they have ALL KINDS of stuff on relationship management available. Basically, the advice centers around keeping your woman sexually attracted to you. I've started reading some of this stuff, but then I noticed some references to Hedonism, and now I'm scared that I'm headed down a very bad path.
But I'm thinking it's necessary stuff in our society today. I remember once, my wife (at the time) & I were at a company social event. We both worked for the phone company. There was a guy that she had mentioned she thought was "hot". Ok, first of all, if your wife says another guy you work with is "hot", how should you react to that? The Hedonists are coming up with answers to questions like this. Anyway, I saw her walking off with this this guy at this event and they were gone for I'd guess about a half hour to an hour. The Hedonist stuff I've been reading, they have advice on how to handle this sort of thing without running her off and being a "control freak" and without killing her sexual attraction for you.
I guess the help I need is this: are there any Christian books or websites that deal with these kinds of issues and advise men on how to lead their women? The Hedonests teach that, instinctively, women want their man to lead them but not control them. If you lead them, they maintain sexual attraction for the man, but if you control them, they lose sexual attraction. I mean, the stuff they're teaching makes so much logical sense to me.
If I had any sense, I'd stop chasing women and become a hermit.