Forgiving your spouse

[mrsparks]

I know that it's God's will that spouses forgive one another for hurts they have caused. My question is does forgiving mean that you pretend it didn't happen?

[matthew7and1]

no, i don't think it does. i think that you will have to learn to love the person all over again in a sense. because the trust doesn't just restore itself. forgiveness is the fisrt step in healing, it's not the entire process...

[mrsparks]

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how do you deal with the incident that caused the hurt after you have forgiven it? It's bound to come up again & the hurt doesn't just go away. And how do you deal with it when your spouse continues to do the same thing that hurts you?

[karenoka27]

Hi and welcome to the board.

Forgiveness is not something that always comes easy. I too am in a situation where I have to forgive over and over again.

What has really been helping me is to continuously get on my knees and ask the Lord for help and wisdom and guidance. I tell the Lord how hard it is to forgive because my heart feels so angry. It may sound like nothing but I am amazed at how the Lord is changing my heart and how my husband is responding. I used to get angry and remind him of what I had forgiven him for..,now I am learning to let it go.

It may not seem like a lot, but some days it's all I've got to get through another day.

[Lady Ashanti]

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how do you deal with the incident that caused the hurt after you have forgiven it? It's bound to come up again & the hurt doesn't just go away. And how do you deal with it when your spouse continues to do the same thing that hurts you?

Sis...I would just like to offer what the Lord taught me in my situations...

I was full of sorrow, I had been in situations, which had left me hurt, and offended. I was feeling abandoned, betrayed, disillusioned, and mistreated. I thought I had forgiven those who had caused my pain, I mean I hardly ever thought of them, turning each situation over to the Lord as they happen, and moving on, or so I thought. But without knowing, in my sub-conscious, each situation had left a "residue", a "substance" which remained in my heart, and spirit, AS I moved on to put my life back together. I hadn’t really forgiven, just tried to "get over it", and put it behind me, so I could survive it. You know, sometimes we REALLY think we have forgiven.

Let’s look at this, what does it mean to actually forgive? In the original language, to forgive means: a reversal, so all those feelings, thoughts, emotions you had toward that person/situation has made a 180-degree turn. Where you felt hate, you feel love. Where you felt pain, you feel comfort, where you felt anger, you now feel peace. Forgiveness also means: to remit, to release one from penalty, or guilt, to pardon, to refrain from inflicting, or exacting, there is nothing required or demanded of them. When one truly forgives, the slate is clean, and so are you! You still recognize the actions as being wrong, but now from the aspect of a spectator, not as a participant. It feels as though those things happen to someone else.

Now, it is not my will, or that of the Lord to make you into a robot, or a machine. But it is His Will for you to know how to deal in this life, according to His standards. To face things head on, FORGIVE, maintaining your "passion" for God, His people, and His ministry, which is in your life.

I already told you, there are two entities trying to "kill" you, God is trying to "kill" your fleshly desires, and the devil is trying to kill your godly desires. The amazing thing is they are both using the same circumstances to do it, and it is up to you to decide what dies. YOU, to the world, and your flesh, OR your spirit to the things of God. Who will YOU allow to win?

Now, you are probably thinking, you don’t know what I’ve been through, you don’t know how it felt, this never happen to you, and you MAY be right, (although you would be shocked to know ALL that I have experienced). But one thing is for sure, Jesus knows, and He knew you would go through whatever you have gone through when He saved you and sanctified you for His purposes. Guess what? He saw it coming and allowed it to hit you full force because He desires a certain reaction from you, and because He has more confidence in you than you have in yourself.

Please allow me to clarify some thing; the Lord does not attend "pity-parties". The Bible reads that the Lord inhabits the PRAISES of His people, (Psalm 22:3). He dwells and resides in our praise and worship of Him, "pity-parties" do not "glorify" Him, but rather exalts the actions of the devil. At "pity-parties", we feel sorry for ourselves, talk about what was done to us, how wrong it was, and why we have an excuse for being where we are. All about "self", which is flesh, and what "evil" has befallen us, the devil. Now, I am not trying to be insensitive because there is a time for us to "vent", or grieve, but for how long? And even in that, you cannot allow circumstances to immobilize you.

Okay, let’s look at scripture…John 5: 3-9… (read). Jesus asked the man did he want to be made well? Immediately the man went to his "pity-party", do you know what else a "pity-party" is? EXCUSES, immediately the man began to talk about his excuses for being where he was. Jesus was not interested in that, nor did He comment on it. Verse 6 states that Jesus already knew that the man had been in his "condition" for a long time. "Pity-parties" revel in past pains, and circumstance, and Jesus comes to help you step into your present, and future. He will not allow us to "wallow" in our misery, and this is not insensitive.

Look at this…Hebrews 4:15… (read), Jesus is touched by the feelings of our infirmities, how we FEEL gets His attention, taps Him on the shoulder. Verse 6 of John 5 says He knew about the man, all those people and Jesus zeroed in on him, his feeling "touched" Jesus, but He didn’t come to discuss it, or join him in it, but to pull him out.

The man had been there a LONG time, Jesus didn’t even deal with the what, why or how of his situation. WHAT is bothering you, WHY are you still here, and HOW did you get here? Jesus only said, "Do you want to be made well"? The Lord revealed to me a long time ago that behavior we excuse, we don’t change. Jesus did not want to hear a bunch of excuses, Jesus seemed to be saying, "I know how you got there, I don’t care, Do you want to get OUT"?

Let’s go a little bit further…Genesis 37: 1-28…(read)…Joseph’s future was to rule, but he was thrown in a ditch and sold into slavery by his brothers, (those that was suppose to love him), he was lied on by a woman because she couldn’t get what she wanted, and forgotten about by those he helped.

When you get a chance, read the book of Job, but let’s look at verses 1: 6 thru 2: 10. Job was righteous, God said he was, but all sorts of calamity befell him, and his wife and friends added to his burdens, but the Lord was counting on Job, and He is counting on you!

In each case, they had to forgive, and was blessed more because of it, and restored to their purpose in God. Joseph…Genesis 45: 2-15, and Job 42: 7-10, 12, both men had to totally forgive, in fact they had to forgive to the degree of blessing the very ones who caused them so much pain. Joseph had to bless those that put him in his calamity, and it wasn’t a problem for him, in fact, he realized that their "plan" set him on the course to his purpose, and thanked them.

So the Lord allowed great pains in these men’s lives, and they are not the only ones. The Bible is full of examples of good people who had to go through bad situations, but the adversity mattered little in light of the end result. In fact, the adversity caused the greater glory for God in the end.

Thirdly, there are several situations that will bring you out of that unique season with God, (sin, iniquity, transgressions,), and one main thing is offenses. Jesus warned us in Matthew 18: 7…for offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offenses come. We have to begin to realize that our lives are connected, and what one does effects someone else. Romans 14: 13b reads…resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother’s way. Others can push us off our path to destiny, if we let them. We have to learn to be quick to forgive, so as to maintain our anointing.

Lastly, you have to know it was not God. In a marriage, it is hard to have "passion" when one of the parties has been hurt, especially if one feels the "offense" was done deliberately. The "passion" dulls because there is a lack of trust, which brings security. If you feel, the Lord has deliberately hurt you, then it is hard to trust, if you don’t trust, you don’t feel secure. But it was not God who hurt you, sometimes circumstances in our own lives open doors for an attack of the enemy. Other times people who we allow in our lives, are in their flesh, and they hurt us, (the Lord did give us a free will), but it wasn’t God. If you think it was, then forgive Him also, and forgive yourself.

Bottom line, so you are saved, which means you are forgiven, so now you must do some forgiving. There are several things Jesus had to do when He walked this earth; one was to go to the cross, John 12: 27. There was also several things He had to say when He was on the cross, one of them was, "Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing", Luke 23: 34. I sometimes wonder if Jesus had not asked for our forgiveness, would we have still been able to receive salvation?

Then there are two types of forgiveness...In Luke 17: 1-4, Jesus speaks about offenses because He knew some would be offensive, and He pronounced a "Woe" on those who offend. Then He says..."if your brothers sins against you, rebuke him, and IF he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you and says, I repent, you shall forgive him.

Jesus list several steps in forgiving someone who sins against you, [offends], First-rebuke him, then IF he repents, then forgive him. One should note that "seven times in a day" is not the same sin seven times because true repentance is turning from sin to God, and Jesus would only have spoken on true repentance, so it must be seven different offenses.

Jesus spoke of two types of forgiveness, our position with Him, [when you stand praying, forgive others from your heart]...Matthew 18: 35, Mark 11: 25. But He also spoke of forgiveness from a standpoint of our continued interaction with an individual... So you can forgive a person before God, but not allow them back into your life until there is some sincere repentance on their part.

I will pray that the Lord, from this day forth, will remove all residues from situations that have caused you great pain and anguish, giving you the strength to deal with them, forgiving like He does.

...I pray this helps...

[cnw]

what do you mean by pretend it didn't happen? If he didn't wash the dishes on his night...and asks forgiveness, then ya. forget about it.
If your husband had an affair, and was broken and came clean about everything, then no you don't forget about it, you hold him accountable and ask questions to dispell the lies both in your head and in his life. Don't throw it in his face...ever. Don't bring it up just because you are angry, but bring it up if there is a situation that warrents it. i.e. he goes out to a part of town that it occured in-hey honey, did you have any struggles while driving in that area of town, etc.
If the same thing is repeating then there is no repentance and his addiction needs to be dealt with at a higher level. This couple has a great ministry in dealing with this very thing. http://ati.iblp.org/ati/supportlink/...amilies/speed/
We can't forget about things unless we want to have them happen again. Also we can't help others through the same experience if we forget it.
Would you like it if your hubby threw everything he remembered you doing in your face when he was mad or holding a grudge and being bitter about it, generally this is not what men do, but women are very much likely too. I think that is why two times the Bible talks about living with a woman that is more like a driping faucet...my motto, for today: Don't be a drip!

[mrsparks]

Lady Ashanti, thank you for that scripture in Luke. Just for my own understanding, am I reading it right that we are not required to forgive our brother unless they have acknowledged their wrongdoing? I have other questions about that, but let's keep it within the context of a marriage. Is there a time when it's best for us to forgive in the absence of the other person's repentence, to unburden our hearts?

[karenoka27]

I believe we forgive whether or not the other person has repented. I am not saying it is easy. I am saying it is for the sake of your walk with the Lord. If the other person doesn't want or feel the need to be forgiven,then they are hindering their own walk. This does not give you permission to not forgive.

Jesus Christ is our perfect example. He forgave us while we were still sinners.

Romans 5:8-"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

[Lady Ashanti]

Lady Ashanti, thank you for that scripture in Luke. Just for my own understanding, am I reading it right that we are not required to forgive our brother unless they have acknowledged their wrongdoing? I have other questions about that, but let's keep it within the context of a marriage. Is there a time when it's best for us to forgive in the absence of the other person's repentence, to unburden our hearts?

I believe there is a lateral forgiveness, and a horizonal forgiveness...

The lateral is when "we stand praying we forgive" all wrongs whether the person ask for forgiveness, or not...whether they repent or not, this keeps our spirits clean, and refreshes our souls as well as setting the person free so the Lord can bring them to "godly sorrow" which works to true repentence.

I read something once which stated that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die...It only hurts you!

Also, the Lord is not going to "gang up" on a person with you, either He will handle it, or you will....not both of you, [remember He loves that person as much as He loves you].

Now to the horizonal forgiveness which I believe is what is spoken of in Luke 17...

I can only state what the scripture states, and Jesus said IF someone sins against you "rebuke him", [that is a sharp reprimand], and then He says IF he repents...forgive him. Now we all know from english lessons what "if" in a sentence means, and also that the Bible does not contradict itself.

We can forgive a person before God, totally and completely, and "love them from a distance" until they repent of their behavior. Actually, the Lord does it all the time.

Sis, I do not think the Lord meant for wives to handle their husbands that way though because of I Peter 3: 1-7.

Sis, in my previous marriage, initially, [as a baby Christian-I got saved after I was married], I was always looking for the Lord to "deal with him", until one day the Lord gave me a wake-up call that it was me He was trying to deal with first. After that, I always looked for what the Lord was trying to change in me when situations arose.

Often, I would pray to the Lord to help me to receive the correction I needed and not to reject my husband's words because of the way he said it, which was often so painful, [this was in the beginning]. The Lord knows when enough is enough...and with God we are taken to a process to develop us even in trials, and tribulation.

I don't know what your husband did however I do know that the Lord does know. If he has not handled you properly first of all his prayers will be hindered, you do not need to withdraw from him because the Lord will, and there is a reason for this.

If your husband has any part of God in him, [my ex-husband did not], this will cause him to begin to seek after the Lord as to why his relationship with Him has changed. Then the Lord will reveal to him what adjustments he needs to make, and help him to make them.

Secondly, in normal cases, doing what you are supposed to do according to scriptures, and praying that your husband would become the man/husband GOD wants him to be, will change things in both of you, and your marriage.

I do not think all husbands are abusive, I do think that if some knew better, they would do better however it would take a "true man of God" to mentor them. Ask the Lord to mentor your husband...

I hope this helps...

[mrsparks]

It does, thank you very much. I will not go into details as to who did what to whom. Hurtful things were done & said on both sides. I will give praise to the Lord though b/c when I went to Him in prayer & was determined to be led by His Spirit, he gave me grace to deal with the situation in love. THEN, my husband was able to confess and apologize sincerely. I forgave him and asked for his sincere forgiveness in return and we prayed together for our marriage, for one another, and for our walk with God. It was beautiful. I truly have never experienced God's grace in a relationship the way I have in this one.

[Lady Ashanti]

It does, thank you very much. I will not go into details as to who did what to whom. Hurtful things were done & said on both sides. I will give praise to the Lord though b/c when I went to Him in prayer & was determined to be led by His Spirit, he gave me grace to deal with the situation in love. THEN, my husband was able to confess and apologize sincerely. I forgave him and asked for his sincere forgiveness in return and we prayed together for our marriage, for one another, and for our walk with God. It was beautiful. I truly have never experienced God's grace in a relationship the way I have in this one.

Praise God!!!

Most times it is difficult because we expect our husbands to act as we would, and we need to understand that they are not like us, they are wired differently.

Sometimes we unintentionally put them through changes in our expectations...expecting then to read our minds/emotions...expecting them to react as we would...expecting them to totally understand us, [when we do not totally understand them...]...

Sis, I honestly believe that marriage is to be the second level in our training to be like the Lord, [for both parties]. The Lord allows us to get married when He has taught us all He can as single people.

It is easy to think one has it all together when we are single...no one lives with us, or sees us 24/7. If someone upsets us, we can go home or withdraw, however in marriage there is a more intense time of "shaping for both people.

We make our differences an obstacle, however the Lord intended them to be contours, so we fit together like pieces of a puzzle. He is strong where you are weak and vice-versa and once we learn to love, respect, and appreciate our differences that is when couples become one. Our similarities are easy to deal with.

At times we get lost in the process, when the Lord is smoothing the edges so we fit together, ["sanding" always hurts-LOL]!!! This is why marriages should be filled with grace, mercy, kindness, love, respect, and forgiveness...so you don't lose each other in the process...

Be blessed...

PS...

I aso feel that women need to interact with men more as singles, [not sexually, or romantically], so they can learn to appreciate how men think. My father passed away when I was very younger but I had an older brother would explain men to me as I got older. In college I had many "big brothers" who helped me understand things. I think it is healthy...