This is a hard thing for me to talk about, so I'll give you guys the basic details and hope someone can advise me with just that. And if there are any fathers out there, please feel nudged to read this and give your opinion. Here's the background:
My father had an affair with my mom and I was born as a result. My mom said he loved her, but he decided to stay with his wife and son at the time. So, I never knew my dad while I was growing up. He eventually had another son with his wife after I was born. When I was 9, I initiated a meeting with him out of curiousity than anything. I saw him each Saturday for the next 3 years. At first, it was great - I was so happy and excited knowing that I actually had a dad. We would go fishing or hiking and spend the whole day together. My mom always asked him for support money and I always told her that I just wanted to spend time with him. But I guess she needed it, being a single parent and all. As the years went by, our time was reduced to about an hour when he would pick me up, take me to lunch, then drop me off again. When he dropped me off at home, I'd go into my room and my mom and him would kiss in the living room for like an hour until he left. I felt used and angry, so I told him i didn't want to see him anymore. He didn't argue or anything...so I didn't see him until I went to college. My mom called him and made him meet us on campus. The 3 of us spent the day together, he gave me $500 for school and I never saw him or talked to him again.
Over the last few years, I've thought about him and about contacting him. Each time I do, I cry because of the pain. I think I've forgiven him, but I can't seem to get him or the hurt out of my heart. He's never made any effort to contact me, but I have moved several times since college and now that I'm married and have come to Christ, I would really love to bridge the gap between us. I just don't know if it would be the right thing to do. He is still with his wife and my 2 brothers are doing well for themselves (one owns a business that my dad helped him with). I do feel like I got the short end of the stick, being his "affair child" and the devil reminds me often that I was a mistake (even though I know God has a purpose for me) but I would love the oppurtunity to have a father and maybe even talk to my brothers, who are my age. I don't want revenge or money, I think I just need to tell him how I feel and leave it open for him to decide if he wants a relationship now. I'm scared, though, that he may not want one and that once again I'll feel the pain and rejection like before. Can someone please let me know if I should do this??? It's been 15 years since I last saw him that day at college and I don't want to stir up any trouble, but he is my dad and I feel like I deserve something from him, if not, just to tell him that I forgive him (if he cares). Thank you for reading this looooong post.
A couple other details to add: according to my mom, he denied that I was his daughter when I was born because my mom wanted child support. Maybe it was to spare himself the shame of telling his wife where the money was going. They had to run blood tests on me and him so she could prove it. Also, he lied about his income so that he only had to pay $25/month in support until I left college. I mention this because it made me think that he didn't care enough about me to make sure I was taken care of; like another form of rejection. On the good side, though, he named me after his mother and I know she wanted to meet me when she came over here from Italy. It never happened, though. I think that was around the time we stopped talking when I was 12.