when to submit

***Moxie*** · May 6th 2009, 04:43 AM

At the present time, my husband and I are struggling with our marriage. I am trying to be more solicitous in that I am asking his permission or what his thoughts are versus saying, "I'm going to do this...".

The other day, a friend wanted to me to go out with her but we had three children at the house so I asked him, "Would you mind if I went...?" He reacted negatively and said, "Well, I suppose but I wanted lay down and I can't do that with unless you are watching the kids." Now, this was said in a negative manner and with an air of guilt, which has been one of my issues with him---his controlling/doing things through guilt or fear.

I choose to let him lay down and went with my friend later. However, I'm left with the same feelings of anger and resentment

I've always had because I feel like the only thing I submitted to was his dramatic display of guilt.

How should I have better handled this?
What I am suppose to submit to?

**TrophyofGrace** · May 6th 2009, 01:52 PM

I think you did the right thing in letting him lay down and going with your friend later.

I fully understand your feelings of anger and resentment; I've recently been in similar situations with my husband. But, remember that God is the One we're ultimately submitting to. Let your anger and resentment drive you closer to Him in prayer and as you pray it through I wouldn't be surprised if He gave you His peace.

But if you're anything like me, it might be a bit of a prayer struggle before you reach that point. But know that God is growing you through it, too.

I find when I'm in a disagreement with my husband that it's better for me to go over his head, so to speak, and take the problem directly to the Lord.

As Oswald Chambers wrote, "obey God, and leave all the consequences with Him."

***karenoka27*** · May 6th 2009, 02:09 PM

Originally Posted by TrophyofGrace

I think you did the right thing in letting him lay down and going with your friend later.

I fully understand your feelings of anger and resentment; I've been in similar situations with my husband. But, remember that God is the One we're ultimately submitting to. Let your anger and resentment drive you closer to Him in prayer and as you pray it through I wouldn't be surprised if He gave you His peace.

But if you're anything like me, it might be a bit of a prayer struggle before you reach that point. But know that God is growing you through it, too.

I find when I'm in a disagreement with my husband that it's better for me to go over his head, so to speak, and take the problem directly to the Lord.

As Oswald Chambers wrote, "obey God, and leave all the consequences with Him."

Amen-

I don't see the problem here. Your husband only wanted to take a nap before you went out. You did get to go.

I see being a wife as a calling. It is something that God has given us to do to be a helpmate to the man. Sadly, we have lost touch with that with all this equal rights stuff. I don't mean to be a doormat,I mean to be a helper. You help your husband by letting him take a nap, then you are blessed by having some quiet time away with a friend.

Ephesians 5:22-"Wives submit to your husbands as unto the Lord."
It takes some practice,but I started doing things for my husband as though I were doing them for the Lord. If Jesus Christ Himself asked you to not leave to go out with your friend,but wait until He took a nap,you would be honored that He asked you! Try to look at being a helpmate to your husband in that way.

Remember we will all give an account for our lives one day. What we've done will either come forth as gold or be burned. We won't be able to say, "it was the husband you gave me.." We found in Genesis that doesn't work.

When I get angry with my husband,I go to a quiet place and tell the Lord how I feel. This is confession and it's the safest place to bring something.I would recommend sharing only with the Lord and not your friends. Don't put your husband in a bad light,in the end it makes you look bad.

**Vhayes** · May 6th 2009, 02:14 PM

Moxie, at the risk of sounding crazy here - you shouldn't be concerned about your husbands motivation - that's between he and the Lord. Your concern should be with YOUR motivation. You made a choice based on what you thought the Lord would have you do. You are/were being obedient to the Lord, not necessarily your husband. Don't be robbed of the peace and joy that obedience will bring by focusing on the wrong thing.

V

**TrophyofGrace** · May 6th 2009, 02:40 PM

I was going to add...and forgot to...that submission doesn't come naturally to us; it's something we have to work at. So those feelings of anger and resentment aren't unusual, or necessarily sinful; it's what we do with those feelings that could be problematic.

***karenoka27*** · May 6th 2009, 02:49 PM

Originally Posted by TrophyofGrace

I was going to add...and forgot to...that submission doesn't come naturally to us; it's something we have to work at. So those feelings of anger and resentment aren't unusual, or necessarily sinful; it's what we do with those feelings that could be problematic.

Amen and Amen!

I can't tell you how many times I have run to my quiet place to "tell on my husband."

One verse that has been working in me for many years is
1 Thessalonians 4:11-"And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you;"

Studying to be quiet takes a lot of studying...and practice! I am learning when I want to say something to my husband, I play it out in my mind what the outcome will most likely be. I have learned to say it's not worth it and keep quiet. It doesn't happen overnight and you will fail. I am so thankful that the Lord does not give up on me.

**TrophyofGrace** · May 6th 2009, 03:15 PM

Originally Posted by karenoka27

Amen and Amen!

I can't tell you how many times I have run to my quiet place to "tell on my husband."

One verse that has been working in me for many years is
1 Thessalonians 4:11-"And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you;"

Studying to be quiet takes a lot of studying...and practice! I am learning when I want to say something to my husband, I play it out in my mind what the outcome will most likely be. I have learned to say it's not worth it and keep quiet. It doesn't happen overnight and you will fail. I am so thankful that the Lord does not give up on me.

Amen, LOL! That was a phrase that came to my mind, too...going to God to "tattle" on my husband.

Plus a fair bit of hearing that still, small Voice saying, "what is that to thee? follow thou me." (John 21:22)

**Jeanne D** · May 6th 2009, 04:29 PM

You've gotten good advice here.
Besides continuing to pray about this, I think you really need to sit down and talk to your husband about it.

When you do, be careful not to do it in an accusatory manner. He may not fully realize how he makes you feel.

Jeanne

*Hope* · May 6th 2009, 06:37 PM

Originally Posted by Moxie

At the present time, my husband and I are struggling with our marriage. I am trying to be more solicitous in that I am asking his permission or what his thoughts are versus saying, "I'm going to do this...".

The other day, a friend wanted to me to go out with her but we had three children at the house so I asked him, "Would you mind if I went...?" He reacted negatively and said, "Well, I suppose but I wanted lay down and I can't do that with unless you are watching the kids." Now, this was said in a negative manner and with an air of guilt, which has been one of my issues with him---his controlling/doing things through guilt or fear.

I choose to let him lay down and went with my friend later. However, I'm left with the same feelings of anger and resentment

I've always had because I feel like the only thing I submitted to was his dramatic display of guilt.

How should I have better handled this?
What I am suppose to submit to?

I'm engaged and already know that I tend to have an independent attitude, so I already practice having a submissive attitude towards my fiance. One of the ways I do this is by asking for permission to do things rather than just informing him of what I'm doing. Part of the whole point is just a reminder to me that I am under his authority. It is just a simple way for me to show him respect and realize I'm not "independent". But...as nice as it is for me to ask for permission, I also have to be ready for the answer because it might not always be yes. It's a good step in the right direction to ask first, but this isn't the end of the story. Usually the hardest part comes after the answer. Even if I think his reason for saying no may be selfish, or may not be a good reason (in my opinion), I try really hard to go ahead and honor what he says because that is what it means to submit. If he is in the wrong, God will handle him (and get through to him a lot easier than I can!). At the same time, I think your husband needs to be honest with his answers. If he doesn't want you to go, he shouldn't say yes. If he gives you mixed answers, or says one thing but means another...it will be very hard for you to know when he is saying what he really means.

I think it's important for the two of you to sit down and discuss your communication. Let him know that it's your desire to respect him and honor him and that you're trying really hard to submit. But he needs to know that he has a role here too. He needs to say what he really means otherwise he'll end up being passive-aggressive and ends up manipulating you when all the while you're trying to comply.

***matthew7and1*** · May 7th 2009, 12:23 AM

How funny that I am coming accross this now! A couple weeks ago- maybe a month ago, I siggested to my husband that we paint the kitchen. He looked at me and just said "no" and went back to what he was doing. That really bothered me! So I went on and tried to make a case for painting, all the while hubby was getting more and more aggitated. Then he tells me this perfectly logical reason as to why he doesn't want to paint. Of course by then he thinks that I don't respect his reasons and I am arguing that I do respect his reasons but that he didn't explain himself originally so how could I know he felt one way or another about it..... etc...
So as I went back to cleaning I realized that the only reason at all I kept on arguing about painting the kitchen is because he said "no" and gave no explaination. I went back to him and said that I was sorry because it's not that painting the kitchen was so important to me, I was only arguing because he shut me down like that. Then I told him that I acknowledg that he is abrasive by nature and I jumped right to taking the response personally instead of just asking why he didn't want to paint. Then I went into saying that we should be more cognicent of one anothers flaws so that we can help each other ether get past them or at least not get hurt by them so often. It turned out to be such a productive conversation. But isn't it funny how you can be right of the throws of anger or resentment and not even know specifically what your problem is?!?!? haha

gotta laugh at myself on that one!!

**kricaud** · May 7th 2009, 03:08 PM

I finished reading the Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O'Martian about a month ago. Great book, I highly recommend it if you haven't read it.

***matthew7and1*** · May 7th 2009, 03:42 PM

Originally Posted by kricaud

I finished reading the Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O'Martian about a month ago. Great book, I highly recommend it if you haven't read it.

I NEVER finish reading that book. Sometimes I set it down for a while but I always end up going back to it! GREAT book IMO opinion!

**TrophyofGrace** · May 7th 2009, 06:27 PM

Originally Posted by tayariswife

I NEVER finish reading that book. Sometimes I set it down for a while but I always end up going back to it! GREAT book IMO opinion!

.......The Power of A Praying Parent is good too.

**ShortStuff** · May 8th 2009, 06:36 PM

Originally Posted by TrophyofGrace

that submission doesn't come naturally to us; it's something we have to work at. So those feelings of anger and resentment aren't unusual, or necessarily sinful; it's what we do with those feelings that could be problematic.

This is exactly what I believe...I mean...I think submission has been a problem since Eve..

I also believe that letting the hubby take his nap and going later was the right decision. I have struggled soooo much with being submissive, and I,too spent many angry and confused moments...

Praying and reading about Sarah and Abraham has helped...if you read, you will see that she went everywhere and did everything her husband said..Sarah never only knew where Abraham said they should go...now, do not get me wrong, in the manner of giving the handmaid to Abraham..I'm not sure that I would not consider that submissive....but simply reading how she followed Abraham and his directions..

As has been said here...we are to be a helpmate..I found that after I started being more submissive, my hubby could see that I respected him...I once heard a radio program(do not remember by who) that said women mainly need to know they are truly loved and men need to mainly know that they are respected..

And this knowledge that I respected him helped him to look at how he should also be toward me..He now gives me the reasoning behind why he does not want me to do something, and I in turn do not resent his opinion..and I can actually agree most of the time..he also respects my opinion if I do not agree, and he will listen without anger because he knows that I will ultimately submit to his decision..

My advice is to pray...for your anger and resentment, and also for your hubby's reactions to be differently toward you when he feels the need to say no...

***Moxie*** · May 8th 2009, 06:42 PM

I appreciate all the posts and have copied some to my PC's resource file. Unfortunately, the response really didn't answer my question and that is entirely my fault. I didn't paint the correct picture; a friend of mine even said what I wrote and what happened is not the same. That is one of my challenges in seeking help is the behaviors displayed are so very covert it's hard to describe what is going on without "going on" and coming across as a whiny tail. Please pray for our family. Thanks a bunch.