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Thread: Unhappy

  1. #1

    Help Unhappy

    I have been married for a little over 2 years. My husband and I have a 1 year old son and my husband has a 15 year old son and an 18 year old daughter from a previous marriage. Last summer, my husband's 15 year old son came to live with us due to numerous discipline problems at home and at school. My husband felt that it was "his turn" to take his son, raise and re-direct this negative behavior. I was uneasy about the situation because at the time was about to give birth to my son. Well, he came to live with us and we found a whole new "sense of normalcy". However, when the school year started his son began receiving several discipline referrals which eventually led to him being expelled for the remaining of the school year. At home, he is very manipulative, sarcastic, shows a lack of respect for me (as the outsider), and does not follow directions or listens well. He can be very disrespectful at times. Throughout the school year, my husband has talked and counseled with him about the importance of him doing well in school and being respectful to adults. However, he still continues to have a chip on his shoulder. When school was released, he went to visit with his mother for the summer. While he was gone, my husband and I found out that he had been going through my personal belongings and taking things out of our bedroom while he was in the house alone during the school year. Needless to say, I became VERY upset and angry over the fact that he went through my personal belongings and stole. My husband and I discussed the importance of us sitting him down when he returned and discussing the seriousness of my stepson's actions. Then, a month after my stepson left, we received a phone call from his mother stating that she has kicked him out after a heated arguement with his sister which turned into a physical altercation between he and his mother. As a result, his mother sent him back to us. After I found this out, I was upset and angry about what he did to his mother AND what he did to me. I feel violated. He is back now and my husband has been disciplining him and has talked to him, but without me. My husband and I has even gotten into an arguement because he feels as if I should let things go and be a parent to his son. I am so tired of the abuse of his son that I took over the past year. I have supported my husband with the decision to have his son live with us and everything that it entailed even when I felt as if I was receiving the short end of the stick. I have no tolerance for anyone who steals and rummage through my belongings. Now, my husband and I are not seeing eye to eye and his son is walking around my home as if he has an attitude and I did something to him. I don't know if I can take another year of this!!!! Please help!!!!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    United Kingdom
    Posts
    45
    Hi there

    Sorry for the trouble you are having...

    It sounds very like some friends of ours that also have very similar problems.

    They both carried a lot of baggage with them into their second marrage and this has caused a lot of arguments.

    Have a real heart to heart with your husband and let him know how you feel. However he does have a responsability to this young lad and it sounds to me that he has been affected from the break up of his parents and is in rebellion to any sort of authority.

    I hope and pray that everything will be sorted out and that the young man learns some respect for other people.

    Godbless

  3. #3
    It really is best that your husband do the disciplining of his son, which spares you a lot, but he definitely has to make sure that his son knows that what he says, YOU also are saying. Any rudeness or defiance against you, your husband will deal with, and he needs to know that.

    If he cannot abide by your household's ways, then he will have to fend for himself out of the home. It's as simple as that. You cannot allow this defiance to interfere with your infant's well-being in this family--especially if the older son is displaying violence in any form.

    There must be some Christian counseling that your pastor could recommend for your family. The dynamics must certainly be a bit out of whack with this young fellow living with you and with his baggage in tow.

    I pray that the decisions you make are in accord with the will of God--that he will show in His Word clearly the way to go.

    Psalm 119:105
    Your word is a lamp to guide my feet
    and a light for my path.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    Mid-East Coast, USA
    Posts
    749
    Teens can really put a lot of strain on their family when they are not interested in following rules and respecting the family. Her kid, his kid, their kid... doesn't matter. From my experience with my own kids, it didn't matter that they were raised in church, that they belong to both my husband and myself, they still rebelled. We didn't necessarily have the same problems you did, but we had some major problems. My son especially had no respect for authority. He challenged everyone in authority over him, at home, school, church, on the job, wherever.

    Looking back, I wish I could tell you that I realized this situation wasn't about me, or even the kids. It was about the Lord. It was about Satan pulling my kids away from the Lord. It was about Satan trying to drive a wedge so that they would feel like they could never come back to the Lord. It was about Satan causing me to question everything I ever did as a parent. It was about Satan hindering my husband and I from growing further in the Lord because at the time we were so distracted by the chaos at home. It was about Satan trying to destroy not only my rebelling teens, but my marriage as well. It was about Satan disturbing the Christian environment we tried so hard to build for all of our children. My younger children were picking up language and behavior we tried so hard to shield them from before. Satan worked on my younger kids emotional and mental stability as they witnessed so much evil. It was about making our home a battleground instead of a refuge. Sin hurts everyone, not just the person committing it.

    My pastor always says to hate the sin and not the sinner. Well, when your rebellious teen is coming at you in every way thought possible, it is a challenge to hate the sin and not the sinner. Well, I often felt like I had to repent for my own feelings and sometimes my actions, or should I say reactions to what the teens dished out for me. I continued to seek the Lord for answers. People offered so much advice. I can't tell you the number of people who advised us to kick our teens out of the house. We could not find peace in doing that because we were fearful of the lives they would lead. We were especially afraid our son would live a life wrapped up in drugs and alcohol, and no matter how much we prayed about kicking him out of the house, we had no peace.

    We kept praying for answers and finally, I felt the Lord's comfort and direction coming forth. I was to forgive my children, and turn them over to the Lord. I was trying to do the work myself. It was my job to love them and show them the way. It was my job to live a Holy life before them. It was my job to put the Lord first in my life and draw even closer to him. I had been hindered long enough and the Lord showed me that it was time I focused on him and his work. I was to do this for me and for the Lord, but they would benefit. The Lord turned my perspective completly around.

    I did see change almost immediately in both my son and my daughter. My daughter, who had started to attend church again, started to seek the Lord in the altar. She started to sing again. My son, who refused to attend church, suddenly attended a homecoming at a sister church, and while listening to a singing group, he found his way to the altar. He had a true experience with the Lord at that altar that day. You see once the Lord turned my perspective around, the Lord was faithful to touch my children.

    I wish I could tell you that things are perfect, but they aren't. I can tell you things are a lot better at home. My daughter is recently married and I believe she will live for the Lord. My son refused to give up some of his worldly friends and has been trying to straddle the fence. It does appear that he has stopped drinking and he is treating us with respect. I'm still praying and I know the Lord will be Lord of their lives someday.

    I shared this to say, love this step son and show him God's love. Let your husband handle the discipline. Let the Lord handle his ways. He can deal with his heart, so please keep praying for it. We shouldn't have to deal with such things, but thank God for his mercy and grace.

  5. #5
    It's always very hard when you find yourself in the middle of a situation you didn't ask for. James told us to consider it joy when we encounter trials. Now that doesn't mean run to God and say "Thank you for making my life miserable!" But just understand that God is at work here in this young man's life, and you have been chosen to assist.

    Romans 12:21 (NASB)
    21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

    Easier said than done. But truly living the Christian life is not an easy task. However, it's not impossible.

    1 Thessalonians 5:17 (NASB)
    17 pray without ceasing;

    Never stop praying for this young man. I've seen it before, it seems as though he is the devil incarnate. And yet, deep down, this young man is crying out for help. He just needs to find the person who will grab ahold, and hold on for those 8 long seconds, and see him through to the very end. Turn him over to God, for there is nothing He can't handle.

    "Preach the gospel always, and if necessary, use words." Let him see the love of Jesus Christ flowing out of your heart. "Actions speak louder than words" is a very true statement.

    And know that you are not along. You have brothers and sisters in Christ the world over that will pray for you and your family. And you've got God on your side. Remember, you and God constitute a majority.

    I pray my post has helped you. May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, be with you all. Amen.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Illinois
    Posts
    780
    Quote Originally Posted by Twin2 View Post
    Teens can really put a lot of strain on their family when they are not interested in following rules and respecting the family. Her kid, his kid, their kid... doesn't matter. From my experience with my own kids, it didn't matter that they were raised in church, that they belong to both my husband and myself, they still rebelled. We didn't necessarily have the same problems you did, but we had some major problems. My son especially had no respect for authority. He challenged everyone in authority over him, at home, school, church, on the job, wherever.

    Looking back, I wish I could tell you that I realized this situation wasn't about me, or even the kids. It was about the Lord. It was about Satan pulling my kids away from the Lord. It was about Satan trying to drive a wedge so that they would feel like they could never come back to the Lord. It was about Satan causing me to question everything I ever did as a parent. It was about Satan hindering my husband and I from growing further in the Lord because at the time we were so distracted by the chaos at home. It was about Satan trying to destroy not only my rebelling teens, but my marriage as well. It was about Satan disturbing the Christian environment we tried so hard to build for all of our children. My younger children were picking up language and behavior we tried so hard to shield them from before. Satan worked on my younger kids emotional and mental stability as they witnessed so much evil. It was about making our home a battleground instead of a refuge. Sin hurts everyone, not just the person committing it.

    My pastor always says to hate the sin and not the sinner. Well, when your rebellious teen is coming at you in every way thought possible, it is a challenge to hate the sin and not the sinner. Well, I often felt like I had to repent for my own feelings and sometimes my actions, or should I say reactions to what the teens dished out for me. I continued to seek the Lord for answers. People offered so much advice. I can't tell you the number of people who advised us to kick our teens out of the house. We could not find peace in doing that because we were fearful of the lives they would lead. We were especially afraid our son would live a life wrapped up in drugs and alcohol, and no matter how much we prayed about kicking him out of the house, we had no peace.

    We kept praying for answers and finally, I felt the Lord's comfort and direction coming forth. I was to forgive my children, and turn them over to the Lord. I was trying to do the work myself. It was my job to love them and show them the way. It was my job to live a Holy life before them. It was my job to put the Lord first in my life and draw even closer to him. I had been hindered long enough and the Lord showed me that it was time I focused on him and his work. I was to do this for me and for the Lord, but they would benefit. The Lord turned my perspective completly around.

    I did see change almost immediately in both my son and my daughter. My daughter, who had started to attend church again, started to seek the Lord in the altar. She started to sing again. My son, who refused to attend church, suddenly attended a homecoming at a sister church, and while listening to a singing group, he found his way to the altar. He had a true experience with the Lord at that altar that day. You see once the Lord turned my perspective around, the Lord was faithful to touch my children.

    I wish I could tell you that things are perfect, but they aren't. I can tell you things are a lot better at home. My daughter is recently married and I believe she will live for the Lord. My son refused to give up some of his worldly friends and has been trying to straddle the fence. It does appear that he has stopped drinking and he is treating us with respect. I'm still praying and I know the Lord will be Lord of their lives someday.

    I shared this to say, love this step son and show him God's love. Let your husband handle the discipline. Let the Lord handle his ways. He can deal with his heart, so please keep praying for it. We shouldn't have to deal with such things, but thank God for his mercy and grace.
    What a great post! Thank you for sharing it.

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