What is going on with me? I feel much the same as I always have. I BELIEVE that Christ died for my sins and rose from the dead, and I want to commit completely to Him in every way, but it's like something inside me won't accept it. I don't understand. I knew I saved 3 days ago and I had amazing and unshakable faith for about 2 hours. Then at around 4 am I woke up and felt like something 'evil' or very angry was on me and that I was not allowed to experience God's grace. That God was actually kicking me out.
I was so worried that I committed the unpardonable sin. I had a full revelation years ago and I 'think' I cam all the way to saving faith and committed everything, but in some ways I think I held back some ways, and that bothered me because I have heard that is like crucifying Christ again. I don't think I did that. I love the Lord and I HAVE experienced His grace before and I want Him to guide me.
Am I under some kind of oppression? I did fall away for a number of years, but I think through discouragement and despair and obviously being disobedient and quenching His Spirit. I would die before I rejected the Lord.
I guess after a while I just accepted the fact that I was a terrible Christian and got so discouraged. I also felt like I was condemned or that God would not accept me, and even was afraid to be in the Word or go to church, because I felt cast out or like evil or something.
Just wondering what is up with me? I truly do believe. I don't think God would cast me out. I have all the 'bad' Bible verses going on inside my head. I just KNOW that there was a time in my life where I had saving faith. I know there was. It wasn't a joke or just a revelation. It was true saving faith in Christ.
I was doing Neil Anderson's 'Steps to Freedom in Christ' for a while and I felt like something evil was on my heart, and one night I had a terrible nightmare and woke up in a sweat and I felt totally sick or like completely afraid.
That is the exact same feeling I had that night at 4 am. I dunno what it was but it felt very bad. I was wondering if that was an evil force or something.
In the past whenever I read anything religious or about Jesus I got scared, and whenever I saw anything on TV religious I got scared too. Like afraid of God I guess you could say, even though I believed it to be true and knew Jesus was the way and loved Him and would die for Him.
BTW, I've had similar stuff/OCD related/scrupulosity, etc. since I was 6, when I first gave my heart to Christ.
Can anyone give me advice?