I feel so bad

[searching4answers]

My husband and I have one child that is 16 months old. He is the joy of our lives, and I thank God everyday for blessing us with this little angel. I feel bad that my husband wants to have more children soon, and I do as well, but our financial situation is not great. We both work, but it is tough paying all of the bills and having a little extra to take our son out every now and then. I would love more children soon, but I would feel guilty getting pregnant now when we are hurting financially. My husband is a loving man, and he understands our situation, but he says everyone has problems and our decision should not be based solely on our finances. Any thoughts?

[Desperaux]

I certainly couldn't even begin to answer for you, but in my life, we had our three daughters (one was unplanned after agreeing to not have any more due to affordability!) all within 5 years. We underwent a home foreclosure and three moves in that time, plus went through a strike that paid my husband only $40 per week for picket duty. I couldn't work with three preschoolers, and one child was dealing with an undiagnosed condition which loomed serious at the time--although I did take on a self-employment opportunity that had me selling hydroculture systems at home parties in the evenings, but it wasn't lucrative and went out of business shortly after I started.

All in all, we would do it all over again. We committed our way to God, and He led us through it. He is the God of More-Than-Enough, and we did have many needs met during that time that we ourselves could not meet, and without us having to ask our parents for help, although we did at some points.

Sometimes the struggle is a bittersweet time, and a time of solidification in a marriage, that teaches us what is important and what isn't. We will have been married 34 years this January, and my now-grown daughters are a joy to us. We never had loads of money and I did work part-time after they were all in school full time, and we didn't take regular vacations with the children, and there were many lean years, believe me! But God was always present and we never had to go without anything important.

[Vhayes]

I will give you my experience(s) but each person has to arrive at their own answers.

First - money can be a terrible tyrant - and that works BOTH ways - either depending on it too much or never having quite enough,

I did not work when our children were young. It was a choice my husband and I made together. We did not have a second car, we did not have cable television, we ate well but very seldom went out to eat. There were sacrifices made but overall, I feel it was worth it. When both of our children were in school, I got a job working 3 to 5 hours a day a couple of days a week and then, when they were older still, I took a full time position.

I think it's reckless when people have children they cannot afford - I know what I'm talking about, a relative had 7 children and had no idea how they would provide for them. All I heard was "God will provide" while the children were hungry and dirty and the electric was shut off. That's just wrong, in my opinion.

On the other hand - what is necessary? Is it a yearly vacation to Disneyland or is it food on the table and mom at home?

You and your husband should pray together about this and heed the Holy Spirit as He nudges you. He won't let you down or give you a wrong path.

Hope this helps a bit -
V

[searching4answers]

I agree that people having children without knowing how they will provide for them IS reckless. We have just enough right now to get by without vacations, dining out, or the extra stuff. Every now and again we take out little guy to the museum (with discount passes), but mostly we go to the parks or play dates with other children/relatives his age. Although I would love for our financial situation to change, and we are working on paying off our debts, I realize that people are a lot worse off than us.

It is something for us to pray and think about. I see how our little angel has truly brought so much happiness to our lives. Especially for me since I suffered with depression for such a long time. My childhood was terrible and full of physical abuse, so I try to be the best mother that I can to my son. I welcome more children, but I don't want my children to suffer if I cannot sufficiently provide for them.

Thanks for the response. I am finding that this site is a great place for support (especially since I do not confide in friends).

[Lynbob]

You have two very thoughtful, wonderful answers and there is not anything I could add other than my prayers dear And at 16 months you don't have to hurry to have another, enjoy this time with your son. Rely on God for if and when the time is right for another child.

[moonglow]

I agree that people having children without knowing how they will provide for them IS reckless. We have just enough right now to get by without vacations, dining out, or the extra stuff. Every now and again we take out little guy to the museum (with discount passes), but mostly we go to the parks or play dates with other children/relatives his age. Although I would love for our financial situation to change, and we are working on paying off our debts, I realize that people are a lot worse off than us.

It is something for us to pray and think about. I see how our little angel has truly brought so much happiness to our lives. Especially for me since I suffered with depression for such a long time. My childhood was terrible and full of physical abuse, so I try to be the best mother that I can to my son. I welcome more children, but I don't want my children to suffer if I cannot sufficiently provide for them.

Thanks for the response. I am finding that this site is a great place for support (especially since I do not confide in friends).

Just my two cents (but of course God trumps that!). I agree with the others...unless God truly puts it in his and your heart to have another child now, I would wait. When they are babies its not so bad (money wise), because they eat little and fill up fast...his baby things can be used for the second child and so on. But they don't stay little and the cost for food goes up just from buying more...double the cost on everything you do with him with a second child. Plus well frankly, having more then one child under the age of five is TOUGH! Very tough. While he might be a good baby/toddler the second one could be one that needs more..wakes up more at night, needs more attention...could have problems that take up all your time.

If I had a baby before my son now..that first child would be seriously neglected due to all his issues. I don't know why people think every child they will have will be perfect...especially if their first one is so easy. Then they struggle when the second or third is completely different and not so easy and don't understand it. But every child has their own personalities and it should be expected they will be different.

I guess I would ask your husband what the rush is? Unless you guys are already in your 30's...I don't see a reason to rush things...but like I said, that is just my opinion.

And I agree with what others said, you both need to pray about this. He needs to consider how difficult it will be on you to be pregnant...dealing with a toddler...then later not getting alot of sleep at night due to the baby and having to cope with both during the day. Some mom's end up in a fog of exhaustion day after day after day...eventually it gets better though ..lol. But meanwhile its pretty tough for a number of years!

I have one son and that is enough for me! Especially considering how things turned out..

I have a neighbor that lives across the street...things went bad with her and her husband while she was pregnant with her second child...she is now a single mom. So here she is dealing with two very young children that seem to be constantly crying about something. The younger they are the more they cry over stuff. It all makes me glad my son is not little anymore! I don't think I could stand all that crying all the time anymore...too old for it I guess..

God bless

[L'Ange]

Whoa! I feel clueless on this one. On the one hand "Children are a blessing from the Lord." On the other hand there is this economy. On the other hand (running out of hands here) YHWH is more than able to provide.

Anyway, praying for you on this!

[canvasjockey]

ITA with everything that's been said.

I think one can have children when not in the best of financial situations IF both parents are prepared to proactively manage the situation - as in have a budget plan, cut as many expenses as possible, etc. There are many creative ways to live on a budget!

However, if you are getting your finances under control and will be in a better situation in the future, my advice would be to pray, wait and realize that if God wants you to have a child now it will happen regardless .

[LadyinWaiting]

mostly we go to the parks or play dates with other children/relatives his age.

Sweetie - that is awesome. While it's great to afford the things that make children "cultured", but what most kids today need are the simple things, parks, playgrounds, freedom use their imagination, etc.

I'm not saying you need to have more kids right away. I'm just saying you're doing exactly what you should be. Enjoying life with your son, having the small treats occasionally - like the museum or a happy meal - is being a great mother. :-D

[turtledove]

My husband and I have one child that is 16 months old. He is the joy of our lives, and I thank God everyday for blessing us with this little angel. I feel bad that my husband wants to have more children soon, and I do as well, but our financial situation is not great. We both work, but it is tough paying all of the bills and having a little extra to take our son out every now and then. I would love more children soon, but I would feel guilty getting pregnant now when we are hurting financially. My husband is a loving man, and he understands our situation, but he says everyone has problems and our decision should not be based solely on our finances. Any thoughts?

First of all, praise the Lord for such a loving man who understands the situation. I think he is a man of faith..who has a very good point in that it indicates that he has trust in the Lord regarding finances; but he also should consider your viewpoint and concern on this..The main thing is that you will have to come to agreement on this by discussing it. Also I would suggest praying together for guidance..that should help.

We are parents of three forty something adults and now grandparents. Had we waited for an optimum financial time we may have never had the two beyond our first one. Our second child was born 27 months after our first and like the first was not planned on purpose. Not saying it was easy but I thank God we didn't wait. Then we had a break from pregnancy for six more years and were blessed with one more also at a time when finances were not the best..only better than with the first two. We both trusted God to provide (which He sure did); but we were in agreement on this.

[Dani H]

I really think that this is a decision that should be made between yourself and your husband, and that there should be full agreement before it happens. I guess this is where you have to place your marriage before your personal desires, and trust God to lead you both.

[searching4answers]

Thanks, everyone. It is definitely an issue to talk and pray about.

[LUVYABYE]

I just wanted to reply to the part about taking your 16 month old to museums and the park. I think that is wonderful. Growing up we did not have a lot of money but we went camping, to picnics the zoo. All things that did not cost alot of money. We took our first vacation when I was 14. There were 6 of us kids. To be honest I only remember 2 Christmas presents I received over the kid years but I remember almost all of the time we spent together as a family. Those are the memories your children will have, not all the stuff they had. So keep up the good work.

God bless you
Karen