Hardened heart

[Moxie]

Well, I've thought about it before, of course. *smiles* But I've been reminded of my own mortality by, of all things, a small lump - the nature of which is yet to be determined.

I'm sorry to hear about this and will be praying about for you. Sometimes, crisis will turn us toward God. I will tell you that God loves you and cares for you and He wants you to be His child. Romans 5:8 tells us that Christ died for us even though we were still sinners. And we all sin. Like you Jesus faced His own mortality as well and in doing so, died on the cross for you and I so that we could have the hope of heaven.

[GreenEyes]

Hihi Gypsy,

You say you're not much of a preacher, but I think you're not giving yourself enough credit!

I think that maybe that's how this stuff works - us hardening our hearts I mean. That is that we forget what's really important to us and because of that we are constantly finding disappointment in life.

I do recognize the sort of defensive mechanism you describe here.. I know I've done it, myself, particularly when heartbroken. You try to fashion yourself into this tough, uncaring persona to protect yourself from the pain.

I'm not sure that's what I'm doing when it comes to religion, however. Nor where my health is concerned. I'm not trivializing either of these things, I don't think..

I am scared, though.

Sounds simple, but easier said than done I think, because so many of us are so used to distorting that what we see with our eyes, because we need to process it into something that we can control and predict.

Perhaps I am.. Or perhaps it is those who believe whose vision is distorted - it's hard for me to say. One could make a very good argument that the fear of death and purposelessness, or the need for definite answers to the Big Questions, are also things that could cloud one's judgement, just as much as the fear instilled by a lack of control. So it kind of goes both ways.

Fear in general is a poor guide to truth, I think.. So I'm trying to remain rational about things. This might not be seeing things as a child would, but to be honest, I'm hesitant about that. Cynicism is one thing, but seems imprudent to just put all skepticism aside. A measure of it is, I think, a healthy thing to maintain.

I've already said that I'm no preacher and I don't pretend to know the way to soften your heart, but I know He does. Close your eyes and quiet yourself, GreenEyes. You'll find Him.

I would like to..

[Gypsy]

Hihi Gypsy,

You say you're not much of a preacher, but I think you're not giving yourself enough credit!

Oh no GreenEyes, that's not me. I'm just some guy on a farm in South Carolina. If anything I say means anything to you it's because His Holy Spirit is working through me. I'm like the pen that He decides to write with:

23 the LORD has done this,
and it is marvelous in our eyes.

I do recognize the sort of defensive mechanism you describe here.. I know I've done it, myself, particularly when heartbroken. You try to fashion yourself into this tough, uncaring persona to protect yourself from the pain.

I'm not sure that's what I'm doing when it comes to religion, however. Nor where my health is concerned. I'm not trivializing either of these things, I don't think..

What would you say than has been your biggest obstacle to faith? Is it intellectual? Do you want proof, in the scientific sense? Or are there emotions that get in the way? Fear? Guilt? I have a lot of respect for folks like you who are openly seeking Jesus, without looking down on believers. Far more that those who arbitrarily reject or even those who mindlessly describe themselves as Christians but have no idea what that means.

I am scared, though.

I know. I'm praying for you.

Perhaps I am.. Or perhaps it is those who believe whose vision is distorted - it's hard for me to say. One could make a very good argument that the fear of death and purposelessness, or the need for definite answers to the Big Questions, are also things that could cloud one's judgement, just as much as the fear instilled by a lack of control. So it kind of goes both ways.

I got ya, and you're right. If I am to be completely honest, from a rational viewpoint, I have to recognize that there is the chance that I am wrong. I could be insane and not know it. I could just be fooling myself. The truth is that, in a rational sense, I simply can not know for sure - enter faith. What I do know though is that I had to surrender control in order to gain control of my life. I tried, for a long time, to do it by myself and it just never seemed to work. I tried to explain things to myself without God and I came close too; big bang, replicating cells, evolution, etc., but something just never was right without Him - like a key that fits in a lock but just won't turn. Evolution just doesn't explain to me the feelings I have when my baby boy looks up at me when I'm holding him. It just doesn't explain that overwhelming feeling of love and trust and joy I can see in his eyes when I go to get him from the crib. It just doesn't make sense to me with out God, because I'm not the person that he sees. I'm just some guy, who before I let Jesus in my life, was sitting at a bar somewhere drinking away the pain and loneliness and fear. I don't know how I did it, but I opened myself a little to Him and He filled me up like somebody opened up a fire hose inside me. Only then did I realize that He was always there, like a cat that I never noticed in the corner of the room. Silently waiting for me to be ready. Now, I can't imagine a day without God in my life. I wouldn't want to and I literally can see His works all around me. His presence surrounds me and I am certain that He cares about me. He is interested (only He know why) in my life and what happens to me. Loves me. He whispers it in the wind, sings it in the bird's song and hollers it with thunder. That I have even made it to this point in life and still wake up, put on my shoes and go feed the chickens testifies of His guidance in my life, because I never should have made it to where I am.

I think that when something is wrong you can tell, you know, like if I rig up something to get the tractor running. I can make it go, but it sputters and clanks. It's very obvious to me that it's not running how it was meant to. That's how it was for me before Jesus. I sputtered and clanked through life, never really considering that things could run better. Now everything syncs. Not to say that life still doesn't have disappointments or that I'm not still scared sometimes, but it just works right and I can feel it.

Fear in general is a poor guide to truth, I think.. So I'm trying to remain rational about things. This might not be seeing things as a child would, but to be honest, I'm hesitant about that. Cynicism is one thing, but seems imprudent to just put all skepticism aside. A measure of it is, I think, a healthy thing to maintain.

I agree. I think you're doing exactly the right thing. God doesn't want you to just accept Him without thinking about it. He wants us all to be convinced in our own minds:

5One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind.

It's a personal walk and only you can make it. He is waiting for you and will be there when your time is right.

I would like to..

You're doing fine. Why don't you talk to Him some? Nothing fancy, if you don't want. Just talk to Him. Like a buddy. Do it in bed or the shower or driving in your car. Tell Him you're confused. Tell Him you doubt Him (He already knows). Tell Him you feel alone and afraid. Tell Him that you long to feel Him. To know Him. To be loved by Him. Tell Him what you want for lunch if you want. He's cool with it. He loves to hear your voice and he never tires of it. You're not bugging Him. To Him, listening to your prayer is like listening to beautiful music. But just like you are talking to a buddy, don't forget to listen as well and not just with your ears, but with your whole self. Just try to remain open to him. You might hear His voice. You might just feel Him in your heart. You might see Him in your taco salad. You might not hear or feel anything, but ask yourself when your done or at the end of the day 'Is there anything different with me?' He'll reveal Himself to you. I promise He will, and you'll realize that He was always there, throughout your walk. Standing right there next to you.

God's love, GreenEyes. I'm praying for you.

[tango]

I would like to..

You don't need to say anything fancy to God. Sometimes it's easy to get the idea we need to use the right words when we pray, sometimes we can get the feeling that God needs us to be a certain way before we start praying. But if we think of God as a heavenly father, our best friend, it becomes a lot easier.

Take this lump you mentioned. If you've told some of your human friends about it you probably didn't feel the need to use a specific form of words. You might have just said something like you've said to us, "I'm scared" and left it at that. You might have sat and cried with them. You might have talked at great length about all sorts of unrelated things, then gotten down to what was bothering you. You might have done something else, or some combination of those things.

And you can do any of those things with God. In my pre-Christian days sometimes every time I tried to reach out, even with simple questions like "God, are you there?" or "Are you interested in me?", my mind clouded and that was as far as I got. Since then there have been times when I've been so blown away by something all I can say is "Praise you, Lord" and other times I've been so bewildered all I've said is "God, why?". And each and every one of those things is a valid prayer.

So find a time where you won't be distracted, somewhere quietish (again, to avoid being distracted), and talk to God. It will probably feel really weird at first, when I tried praying it felt like I was talking to an empty room and nobody was listening, but stick with it. And listen for God, when God speaks it can come in any number of ways.