Hanging out all the time?

[RabbiKnife]

RabbiKnife, Are you just really sarcastic? I'm trying to figure it out.

Nope, that's not sarcasm.

That is exactly what I would do.

[Firefighter]

Yes. He is sarcastic, but that is not an example of it...

[moonglow]

I really don't feel like any of you have stirred up any trouble here. I did ask for opinions, because honestly I am torn. I really haven't known how to respond either. Until I had kids myself, I always said, "My kids will never..." Yeah, right. They have. They do. They will.

I realize some things I have done have enabled my son to take advantage of me. I thought it was coming to an end a year ago, when he gave his life back to the Lord. Then he wouldn't give up his friends and he was back out with them. Slowly I watched him go back into the world, but still things were the best they'd been since he was a young teen. For a while he wasn't drinking anymore, and he was actually trying to stay in at night. He made the decision to go military, and it took them a year from the time he signed up to get him into basic training. I imagine that was because he was going with the guard and not full time. Between times being hard, his lack of skill, and his committment to the military, he couldn't find a job. He had applications in everywhere.
I thought my problems were over when he went off to basic training. Then he was sent home. Now the situation is in my face again.

Sometimes I feel like I am being too harsh, that my expectations are too high. He's not the same person I am and his standards are different. Let's face it, young people live different than most middle aged people. I have always been a bit more serious than even my peers. But he is living in my house and there is no respect. He really doesn't want to be a part of our lives, he just needs a place to stay. When I oppose his hanging out late most nights, he gets angry because I have said I don't know what he's up to. I can't imagine hanging out at night like that can be good. I know in the past he has drank. As a teen, he experimented with drugs. The drugs don't seem to be an issue, except he doesn't come home. I've never seen him in a condition, especially in the last year that he seemed messed up on anything. His girlfriend is away at college, and he doesn't seem to have interests in other girls. Because of the little time my son is around, I don't know him. Then I'm further frustrated because he doesn't want to commit to serving the Lord right now. What is he doing that he has to put off serving the Lord? Then the little bit of time I do see him, I'm usually angry with him about something. I just haven't found a peace about what to do yet. He'll be home a week tomorrow, and we've already had problems with each other starting early this week. I can't keep living like this, but he has nowhere to go. I know too many young people living from friend to friend, and a couple who were on the streets, because mom and dad tried tough love and their kids couldn't work things out. I've also known a few who have allowed their young adults to stay with them, and before they know it they have that 30-40 year old bum living in their house, treating them like they owe them a living.

I know there is no clear cut answer to this issue and it was wrong to throw it out there for debate. I know this problem isn't too big for God and I really need to allow him to help us with this. He's helped before and I saw such a miraculous change in my son then. I know it can happen again, for good this time.

Twin..I read a few of the posts on here and I guess I will have to be the minority here and say the opposite of them. Personally I don't see what the big deal is...he IS an adult. Telling adult to be home by ten, I think is demeaning to him and asking him about his whereabouts is also demeaning to him and probably why he avoids you...

If he is treated as a child...he will keep acting like a child and rebel against you trying to control his life. Start giving him some respect and treat him as an adult and his attitude towards you will start being respectful too.

Its really hard to be respectful towards someone treating you like you are still a child. Many times tough love back fires as you mentioned. I think you have a son with a good head on his shoulders...no signs of drug abuse...he is likely crashing at a friends house or doing what young adults do...they hang out with friends and talk...they talk alot. They play video games until very late at night...that is a very big thing among teens and young adults too btw. I image he is just plain lost right now having all his hopes pinned on the military and now is going...'now what?'. I image he feels his dreams have been crushed and taken away from him so of course he is resistance towards the idea of going a different direction and saying no to everything. He is probably angry and depressed it didn't work out. I know I would be.

Please don't tell him he has to go to church..that is the fastest way to drive him away from church and worse...God. As I said he is an adult and needs to be treated as one before you can expect him to act like one.

My sister would give her eyetooth to have these problems with her adult children let me tell you! He really does sound like he has a good head on his shoulders. There are no jobs out there and at least he is trying..that is something my sister couldn't even get her kids to do..fill out a simple job application.. Be thankful he has at least a part time job and be thankful he is trying! He is just being a young adult that has his dreams crushed and is now lost as to what to do with his life...

He is just 20 too. He needs time ..a chance to accept his dream is gone first...grieve over that loss..then eventually he will come around and realize he can't keep living like this...more then likely doesn't want too. I image he would love to have a full time job so he could save up and get his own place.

I would back off on your demands..as long as he isn't bothering you and waking you up when he comes home...cleans up his own messes, does his own laundry, etc...let him be and just pray for him. Give it time. If you feel after a couple of months nothing has changed, you might ask him to start helping pay for groceries if he isn't already doing that.

btw I am 48 and have a 13 year old son that I won't force to go to church...but he does go and he loves it.. he also attends youth group twice a week. All this after I took him out of a church in the past he hated. Its a long story but it got to the point where I was fearful his hatred of our old church would cause him to start hating God if I kept forcing him to go. What I did is we both stopped going. It wasn't just him that had issues with that church...I did too. We were both very hurt by the members in it and in effort to keep his relationship intact with God..we stopped attending any church for several years. All that time though I kept praying the Lord would lead us to a church we both loved and enjoyed so my son could learn the joy of serving the Lord and it not be seen by him as something to endure. God finally answered that prayer. But as I said...I will not force him to go...it just back fires at this age.

I remember very clearly when I was in my 20's and living at home going to college part time and working part time. I helped with the cleaning..I helped pay towards some bills and bought groceries too. But I tell you what if my mother said I had to be home by ten ...telling me that as an adult I would have been humiliated, felt demeaned and embarrassed. And if she told me I had to go some place once a week..my reaction would have been the same. I would have been pretty upset as I wasn't a little child anymore. She treated me as an adult so I behaved like one. She stopped telling me what to do on things like this when I turned 18 actually.

Please pray about what I said though and of course God overrides any and all my advise!

God bless

[Athanasius]

Home by 10? Ouch... I still live at home. Just paid my parents back $8,000 and am working and studying for my undergrad. I don't pay rent. My brother, on the other hand, does pay rent. He's 20 and not in school. I couldn't imagine a curfew of 10 for him, that's silly.

[Twin2]

I have continued to pray about this and consider the advice given. I haven't enforced anything to be perfectly honest. I just continue to allow him to do what he does. Believe me all kinds of thoughts have come into my head, including charging him hotel rates to live here. I also decided a curfew is silly. I really can't force him to go to church and I don't want to drive him away. I will continue to ask that he go, but refuse to fight about it if he doesn't go. I continue to ask he help out around here, sometimes he does, other times he doesn't. I do feel at peace about my son right now, but there was yet another battle that could have caused even more damage.

Sunday evening, just before we were to leave for evening service, my mother in law called me. She is a known liar and I never know when to trust her. She tried to tell me that her nephew was the one to discharge my son, and my son didn't recognize him. She told me that he said he was discharged for trace amounts of pot showing up in his drug test. She also told me not to tell my husband, that she told me because she thought I should know. (red flag, don't tell my husband!) She felt if I told my husband, he would just be too upset. I didn't go to my son with this, partly because he wasn't home (Thank God he wasn't home), and partly because I wanted to pray on it. I was angry at the possibility, yet not really sure I could believe it. I didn't even tell my husband about it until after church. I had been crying and praying about it all the way to and through church. I couldn't understand why she would make up such a thing, but it just didn't feel right. It didn't make sense. During altar call, I was praying for others and then I decided to get prayer myself. I didn't tell them why, just that I received some news that was really troubling me. I believe the holy spirit moved and I felt at peace about it no matter the truth. After church, my son was home and he sat in the kitchen with me and we talked. I didn't tell him what I had been told, but talked about God's goodness and how we can't expect to have God's goodness if we aren't willing to serve him. I tried very hard not to lecture. I talked briefly about King Saul, King David, and King Solomon, how they were annointed of God and what happened when they strayed. I talked about how God blessed them when they lived for him. My son was receptive and not angry.

That night, I told my husband what his mother said. The next day, he asked my son about it. We don't know how the military works, but he told my husband it was an officer who discharged him, and he knows his cousin. Not sure of his cousin's rank, but he is probably still low in rank, as he has only been in there a few years himself. He assured my husband that the reason for his discharge was scolosis of the spine, not substance abuse. I wish I hadn't told my husband, because I did not want him to tell my son what his grandmother said about him. If it was a lie, it would surely be hurtful. It it was true, there are confidentiality issues.

I have been home sick from work for the past two days and yesterday, my son and I spent a few hours together. He told me what his father told him and said it was a medical discharge. He was very calm, and respectful. He had been talking about another branch of the service- apparently, one branch will take him if the scolosis is less than 30 percent. We have been upset in that it would probably mean he would go directly into battle with this branch and many of the casualties come from this branch of service.

He told me he decided to try to pursue a business degree. He and his girlfriend have decided together that he should just go to the community college and not go with the other branch of the military. His girlfriend is trying to guide him through the college application process. I shared with him that the local college is no longer a community college, and have worked partnerships with four year colleges close by. Many programs are taken for two years at the local college, then the students are automatically accepted in the four year colleges for the last two years of their degrees at a lower rate. This helps county residents obtain four year degrees who might otherwise not be able to do so.

Although he has been out late most every night, he has been coming in quietly. Usually he calls around nine or ten and tells us he's hanging out for a while. He certainly sounds fine when he calls. The next morning he seems fine as well.

He took the test for the 911 call center position yesterday, but there were fifty others taking the test. They were told 50 others will come in and take the test after them. From there, they will decide who to interview. I am still praying he gets this job as he needs something stable, and respectful to work while in college. He is also in need of medical and dental insurance. I could probably enroll him on our policy, but may have to wait until August, for open enrollment. Not sure if he enrolls in college now if he would be eligible for new enrollment on our plan. I would rather that he have a job and insurance on his own as that would help him have incentive to work and help him to feel better about himself if he could provide that for himself.

In all of this, I know my son was raised in church. The scriptures says he'll be back. I need to stop worrying about him and trust the Lord.

[moonglow]

I have continued to pray about this and consider the advice given. I haven't enforced anything to be perfectly honest. I just continue to allow him to do what he does. Believe me all kinds of thoughts have come into my head, including charging him hotel rates to live here. I also decided a curfew is silly. I really can't force him to go to church and I don't want to drive him away. I will continue to ask that he go, but refuse to fight about it if he doesn't go. I continue to ask he help out around here, sometimes he does, other times he doesn't. I do feel at peace about my son right now, but there was yet another battle that could have caused even more damage.

Sunday evening, just before we were to leave for evening service, my mother in law called me. She is a known liar and I never know when to trust her. She tried to tell me that her nephew was the one to discharge my son, and my son didn't recognize him. She told me that he said he was discharged for trace amounts of pot showing up in his drug test. She also told me not to tell my husband, that she told me because she thought I should know. (red flag, don't tell my husband!) She felt if I told my husband, he would just be too upset. I didn't go to my son with this, partly because he wasn't home (Thank God he wasn't home), and partly because I wanted to pray on it. I was angry at the possibility, yet not really sure I could believe it. I didn't even tell my husband about it until after church. I had been crying and praying about it all the way to and through church. I couldn't understand why she would make up such a thing, but it just didn't feel right. It didn't make sense. During altar call, I was praying for others and then I decided to get prayer myself. I didn't tell them why, just that I received some news that was really troubling me. I believe the holy spirit moved and I felt at peace about it no matter the truth. After church, my son was home and he sat in the kitchen with me and we talked. I didn't tell him what I had been told, but talked about God's goodness and how we can't expect to have God's goodness if we aren't willing to serve him. I tried very hard not to lecture. I talked briefly about King Saul, King David, and King Solomon, how they were annointed of God and what happened when they strayed. I talked about how God blessed them when they lived for him. My son was receptive and not angry.

That night, I told my husband what his mother said. The next day, he asked my son about it. We don't know how the military works, but he told my husband it was an officer who discharged him, and he knows his cousin. Not sure of his cousin's rank, but he is probably still low in rank, as he has only been in there a few years himself. He assured my husband that the reason for his discharge was scolosis of the spine, not substance abuse. I wish I hadn't told my husband, because I did not want him to tell my son what his grandmother said about him. If it was a lie, it would surely be hurtful. It it was true, there are confidentiality issues.

I have been home sick from work for the past two days and yesterday, my son and I spent a few hours together. He told me what his father told him and said it was a medical discharge. He was very calm, and respectful. He had been talking about another branch of the service- apparently, one branch will take him if the scolosis is less than 30 percent. We have been upset in that it would probably mean he would go directly into battle with this branch and many of the casualties come from this branch of service.

He told me he decided to try to pursue a business degree. He and his girlfriend have decided together that he should just go to the community college and not go with the other branch of the military. His girlfriend is trying to guide him through the college application process. I shared with him that the local college is no longer a community college, and have worked partnerships with four year colleges close by. Many programs are taken for two years at the local college, then the students are automatically accepted in the four year colleges for the last two years of their degrees at a lower rate. This helps county residents obtain four year degrees who might otherwise not be able to do so.

Although he has been out late most every night, he has been coming in quietly. Usually he calls around nine or ten and tells us he's hanging out for a while. He certainly sounds fine when he calls. The next morning he seems fine as well.

He took the test for the 911 call center position yesterday, but there were fifty others taking the test. They were told 50 others will come in and take the test after them. From there, they will decide who to interview. I am still praying he gets this job as he needs something stable, and respectful to work while in college. He is also in need of medical and dental insurance. I could probably enroll him on our policy, but may have to wait until August, for open enrollment. Not sure if he enrolls in college now if he would be eligible for new enrollment on our plan. I would rather that he have a job and insurance on his own as that would help him have incentive to work and help him to feel better about himself if he could provide that for himself.

In all of this, I know my son was raised in church. The scriptures says he'll be back. I need to stop worrying about him and trust the Lord.

That is wonderful Twin..really sounds like things are turning around for him. I am sorry though that your mother in law caused you such grief... What a terrible thing to go and make up like that!

You know God touched him..so have faith in that, that the Lord will turn him around and I believe He is working on that already.

I wanted to add something..when I said I was living at home and working part time and going to college part time and helped my mom with groceries and bills and chores around the house..I think its important to realize that I had already had the experience of living on my own and learned like everyone else the hard way in taking care of myself...working, paying bills all of that. So I had experience under my belt that your son hasn't had a chance to experience yet. I was in my mid-20's by then too. It takes time for our children to grow up and learn these things. I think your continued patience with him is wonderful and being supportive in his plans without trying to control what he does, is perfect. That is what a mother should do!

God bless you!

[moonglow]

I am going to start a new thread to address some comments on here that I found very troubling ..so I don't derail this one. Especially since we aren't to debate on this forum. Those interested look for a post on Christian fellowship titled: 'this is my house and you do as I say or leave' thanks.