i dont know how to title this. i dont really even know how to describe all this, because I feel like im just repeating requests ive made before and i dont want ppl to feel like "here she is again". im just right now i feel like im sinking and the worst part is i dont have the desire to fight to stay above water anymore...i want to go numb...and i dont care anymore. im going through depression i know, but im very suspicious i might be bi-polar...i have days or weeks where im on this great high and everything seems great and i come crashing down and it lasts for days or weeks also.
yesterday an english professor yelled at me...she came down on me for being late, for turning in two papers (in the whole semester) late, for not "participating" enough, she said i was lazy and couldnt keep up with everyone else and she thought i should drop because i was going to fail anyways, and because I was late that day she counted me absent from the entire class. Then she went on to say that she wouldnt accept the paper i had written even tho the day I was supposed to turn it in i was sick and had a doctors excuse..and this paper is 10% of my grade.
She not only yelled at me she did it in front of another student. I was so mad...I mean I rarely get really mad but I was furious. I left school after that and had to drive around just to calm myself down. I am still so angry that everytime i think about it I swear I hope she takes a dirt nap. ]
Its time for registration for classes next semester, im having trouble in this school, i hate the professors, i hate this school in general..its so small its like being in high school again. I'm lonely, I have these gorgeous skinny friends who have guys all over them all the time and I feel like the fat ugly friend that no one wants to talk to. I've been hurt and rejected so many times this year alone I can feel myself withdrawing...even from my best friend. I just want to be alone, I dont want to talk to anyone. It's easier than going through more crap. I was in a Christian store today and started listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's cd and I had to stop...because it made me cry. I just got over the flu and the next day that i was feeling better caught conjuctivitis in both of my eyes. That has finally healed up and now I have a bad sore throat again. Because I was out of work for about a week with the flu, my paycheck next week is probably not going to even cover my gas money. I am just at a loss....everything in my life...every relationship I have...my health, my money, school, work, its all falling apart on me. Even the little things just add up and I dont know how to handle it anymore...I dont know if i even want to.
I'm just exhausted, and I dont know...I just dont know anymore.