Lost lonely confused

[katiee]

I’d like to share a little bit of my story with you.I’d appreciate any advice or help.Im not a Christian but im writing on a Christian board because my topic includes God and Him in my life and everything else and I'd appreciate in any advice from a Christian side.

I’ve been brought up in a Catholic family where I’ve learned that only by your own good deeds you can deserve heaven.It made me all scared of God because I felt sooo guilty.I could notice every Scripture saying that if you commit “this” or “that” sin you won’t enter the Kingdom of God.It made me all soo scared.I thought im not pleasant to God at all and the harder I tried to be good the worse it was.That’s why I soon stayed away from the church and God because it was so depressing for me,taking from me all hope and joy.

My first introduction to Christianity was when I accidentally went for a biblecamp.I was around 14.I was truly amzed. I could tell those kids there were different.I believed it can’t have been by their own power but that there must have been something more!It was very attractive for me but there were still many things I didn’t know or didn’t understand.I went for the same camp the following year.I was longing for this love, acceptance, joy those people had.During this time I was struggling a lot with shyness, low self-esteem, looking for purpose in my life as I had none.Life seemed really hard.After this camp I learned more about Jesus but the idea of Jesus as a ruthless judge was still somweshere deep inside so couldnt believe He wanted all the best for me just like that.
Later in high school I went for several camps organized by a Christian church my friends used to attend.There were as many non beliewers and the idea of the camp was to spread the gospel.They were offering giving your life to Christ but I was too much occupied with my own life. I didn’t want to loose all fun,parties,dating and everything else college was offering.I wanted to be like all my peers enjoying life.After camps I still continued to visit church’s youth meetings or sermons. I was still struggling with low self-image,shyness, lack on confidence.So all those meetings were like charging my batteries for the next week.Around Christians I felt accepted,loved.I sensed the atmosphere of peace and joy.They were all very nice to me what I hardly could find around my peers where I had to try much to be liked and noticed.But still couldn’t allow and accept God’s will in my life.I didn’t understand why God really have to take control over your life, why can’t He just help and bring good mood.Somehow as well I felt like a failure.Even around Christians I felt ashamed that im such a worthless person who doesn’t know how to deal with life and who can’t even talk to “normal” people so needs to meet friendly Christians to somehow operate in this life and her own skin.It was very embarrassing for me.I felt i was doing it for myself for my own good mood but God was far.

After high school I went to college and started living away from my parens. First year was pretty hard, I used to listen to Christian music or watching Christian TV to feel a little better and try to force myself into accepting Jesus if it meant hope and love I was longing so much for.Nothing worked out. Later I started working in a hostel as a receptionist.It changed my life a lot! I was becaming very social and friendly.It was easy for me to talk to people and later ive became one of the favourite receptionists around guests and our staff. I gained lots of self-confidense ans self-worth. At the same time unfortunatelly I started partying and drinking a lot.It was after I met an extremely cute boy who left me quickly and was not talking to me anymore.Later I found out that he met another girl.I was deeply hurt and believed that if I had looked better he wouldn’t have left me so drinking was like a felief to the pain. It strengtened as well my obsession with look which had been since i reember.I was trying to loose weigh, dieting.I was as well struggling with lack of energy,concentration.I was blaming sometimes myself that im wasting so much time just because I didin’t have enough strength to leave home.It was real difficulty.I didnt like to fail.

When university came to an end everything started working better.I quited too much partying.Stopped believing what others had to say about "how to be happy".I knew it was taking too much time of my life and not bringing me any good.I stopped having some short term relationships which were my ways of finding acceptance.I foused on myself, I believed I deserved more and wanted to learn, study, do useful things.I still couldn’t find a way to loose weigh I really wanted,I belived that if I was self confident enough than i wouldnt search for admiration and acceptance around guys,would be equal to my friends and wanted to prove myself and OTHERS that I can achieve something as well. I believed that after that a right boy would come with no problems.Instead of partying I was very concerned with writing my thesis and was visiting my parents often which always brought me peace and relax.I got on well with my brother.I was just still struggling with dieting.Than I took Brian Tracy’s book, my dad got from a christian friend “Maximum achievement goal planner”.It somehow opened my mind.Helped me realize that your brain limits you and you can achieve even more than you can think.You just have to start believing it and start setting for yourself bigger goals and work hard.It was soo amazing for me.I was never the best student,didn’t believe in my skills much but now I believed that I can finish my thesis with no problems as well.In the meantime I found a fitness club and regained all energy and concentration I was lacking last years.I felt soo much BETTER!! I didn’t have to worry about food so much, I was losing weigh, I could concentrate on my studies which was sooooo hard physically before.Life seemed so good at last, I had my plan of healthy eating, exercising ,sleeping early.I had a vision of me I was longing for so long and I was so satisfied.I was achiving my goals and i was proud! I met 2 nice guys who seemed to really like me. In the mantime I was still praying to God.I knew He had helped in many ways during my life.I believed without Him it wouldn’t be like that now.I also trusted that all He said was right: like all the parties which didn’t bring satisfaction.But the Christian Church seemed more far from me.I felt more strange and this love and peace seemed not to have the same power for me as before.I felt I didn’t belong there.I still knew I wanted salvation because I didn’t want to go to hell.I believed God will find a solution for me as well.I thought He was good,but after starting achieving my goals and being happy I thought for a short moment that I might not need God to feel happy.And that’s when all disaster started. I don’t know still why but I went to bed with a guy I knew just for a few days.I really liked Him and all i was looking from this relationship was admiration.This guy left me with nothing, I felt like a tool he used for his own fun. Before I had s*x just with one guy.I knew it can hurt you. At that moment I lost everything.I lost all my self-confidence,my self-esteem,than appeared an overhelming feeling of guilt.I lost motivation and reasons to exercise and dieting.I thought time would heal me but it didn’t.I was still at the point when I needed to write my thesis,It brought double stress,I started drinking a lot while writing just to forget.Probably I was drinking more than eating.I felt like I didn’t deserve to be healthy,to take care of myself.I just deserved comdemnation.A this moment I knew I disappointed my parents who trusted me,myself ,my friends.It’s been 5 months since than and life hasn’t been any worse.It’s hard for me to believe my decions,hard to talk to my friends.I feel so bitter with no hope.I was just wondering if it might have been God who allowed for this to happen to bring me closer to Him.Now I’ve understood why it was necessary to give yourself to Jesus and how badly unforgiven sins can tortue you.Everyday is like a battle how to survive, I have no goal in my life anymore.Im just living to survive each day just not to get too depressed and try to do everyday things.Ive as well understood that it must have been my pride which I found out is one of the worst sins that kept me away from God.I needed to prove myself and everyone around that I can as well achieve something.Now it seem worthless.Im not myself anymore.Im not this happy girl who was happy to see her family, who was enjoying every good moments in her life, who liked to be sooo positive about everything and to share it with people around especially after years while I was so unsecure and afraid.This situation has shown me what forgivness really is and how much I need it!Has shown that only by Jesus, not your own strength you can achieve it.
Has it been God who alowed this, can He crush my stubborn, proud heart?Is person in Christ I real true person?You give sb your hurt.Is it still you?I miss me, my friends ,family miss me.Im just a burden for them.I know that life like that has no future and im 26 now when im supposed to be the happiest.Should I quit on life and just choose God’s side and forget all my plans and desires.I still wanna be slim and pretty.Is it wrong?
I know its been long ,maybe I should have put it into non Christians forum?If so tell me, Ill put it there. But if any of you will take some time to read it and give me any advice I’d appreciate extermingly!

Wondering

[Dani H]

First of all, nobody can force themselves to give their lives up to Christ. It has to be a free-will offering. Nobody forced Jesus to die for you. He did it of His own volition because of love.

Second of all, you don't have to earn God's love. It's already yours. You did nothing to deserve it, it just is. Because you are His creation. So the only way to respond to love, is with love. And love, by design, is freely given away. We choose Him because He first chose us. We love Him because He first loved us. We give our lives to Him because He gave His life to us first. God is the initiator, we are the responders.

Your attendance at Bible camp at 14 was no accident. There are no accidents nor are there coincidences. The Bible says that God is always drawing people to Himself.

Seems to me like you have a very works-based, earnings-based outlook on life. You seem to be feeling better when you can live up to some self-proclaimed standard. And you seem to become despondent when you drop the ball on your own standards and "make a mess of things."

So my response to you would be this:

You are not your judge. You do not qualify. You did not create yourself. God did. He is your judge.

God isn't interested in making you feel better by making you perform better. He is interested in you responding to His love, with your love. We serve Him out of love, not duty, not obligation, not because He sits there with a stick ready to whack us upside the head when we make mistakes.

So the key to giving your life to Jesus is to confess to Him that you have taken His place in your life. That you have set your own standards above His. That you have done things your own way.

It's about who is boss. It's about us understanding that without God, our standards are no better than everybody else's standards for themselves. And we have no way of telling who is right when we compare us to each other. It's about acknowledging that God's standard is superior and that His way is the only way worth pursuing, because He is the Creator, and we are not. The sin in our hearts is that of wanting to be our own god. The struggle people have with the Lord is that of abdicating the throne and letting Him take it because we fear giving up control. Except the One we give up control to, loves us infinitely and unconditionally. That's why it's easy.

[Gypsy]

Well Hi Katiee and welcome.

It sounds to me like you've spent a lot of time around Christians and can recognize their joy, even lived vicariously off of it a little, but have never really tried to commit to Jesus yourself. Have you asked Him to become your savior? Do you know how? He will fill the void that you feel inside yourself. That which makes you feel empty and worthless is the absence of Him in your heart and you can spend your whole life trying to replace it with school grades and partying and boys, 'oh, I'd just feel good about myself if I can just loose weight or get this boy to like me or get this grade on my thesis', but that hollow rotten feeling will never feel right until you let Him inside, there were always be something else to take it's place and one day you'll look back and realize that you spent your whole life worrying and criticizing yourself about one thing to the next. You do not have to render yourself worth of Him. You can't. None of us can. He want's us anyway. How cool is that?

[tango]

Hi katiee, and welcome to the board!

If I might start off with your first comment, "where I’ve learned that only by your own good deeds you can deserve heaven" - for as long as you're trying to earn your way into heaven you will always feel like you fall short. And the reason for that is simple - you always will fall short. That's why the Bible tells us we are saved by grace rather than by works (Eph 2:8-9). If we could earn our way into heaven it would give us the right to boast about our works, and would also mean Jesus needn't have bothered dying for us on the cross.

If you think of trying to cook up a huge stew in a huge pot you might be putting the finest ingredients you can find in it, but now imagine a hundred trained monkeys throwing all sorts of improbable and undesirable things at the pot. And each time one of them scores a hit you have to dump the stew and start over. In a very roundabout way that's like trying to earn our way into heaven - when we sin we fall short, and when we fall short it's like having something indescribable thrown into the stew, so we have to dump everything out and start over but no sooner have we restarted than something else lands in the stew, and the cycle repeats.

The cycle of sin is vicious, as you've described. The devil entices us in with something that looks good but before we know it we're like a fish on a hook. Then comes the condemnation, the feelings of unworthiness, the emptiness, and the desire to get back the good feelings we might have had when we sinned. If we try and do things on our own we just end up more and more tangled in the web.

The good news is that through Jesus we can break free of the web. When Jesus died he paid the price for all our sins so they can be forgiven. What we have to do is accept that forgiveness, accept the sacrifice Jesus made for us, and give our lives to him. That's the easy bit, the more difficult bit that follows is living for Jesus and avoiding sin. It's hard in human terms but Jesus is always there with us to help us through it.

[Firefighter]

It sounds a lot like what I experienced. It was kind of like God, when faced with my refusal to surrender my life to him, said "OK. You run the show for a little while." I did. I lived my life for me. I fell into a pit of alcohol, drugs, and sex. I now know what happens when I am in control of my life... and it's not pretty. I also know what happens when God is in control of my life... I have that joy, peace, and comfort that you are longing for. I said all of that to ask you a simple question...

Now that you know the results of you being in charge of your life, how about letting God be in control of your life? He loves you and only wants the best for you. He's waiting...


Chris

[Crosstalk]

Katiee, it sounds to me like the Lord is being gracious to you in that He is making it uncomfortable for you to be in your sin. But He is rich in mercy and gracious and He wants to remove your guilt and sin from you in the only way possible, and that through His Son (John 14:6) and then have a rich personal relationship with you.

"Come now, and let us reason together,”
Says the LORD,

“ Though your sins are like scarlet,
They shall be as white as snow;
Though they are red like crimson,
They shall be as wool." Isa. 1:18

"As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us." Ps. 103:12

One of the most profound statements ever made was this by Jesus:

"For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?" Mark 8:36

These others are right in that you can have joy and peace which only comes by a saving knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. And this is a free gift already paid for in full
by Christ.

"But the free gift is not like the offense. For if by the one man’s offense many died, much more the grace of God and the gift by the grace of the one Man, Jesus Christ, abounded to many. And the gift is not like that which came through the one who sinned. For the judgment which came from one offense resulted in condemnation, but the free gift which came from many offenses resulted in justification. For if by the one man’s offense death reigned through the one, much more those who receive abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ.)
Therefore, as through one man’s offense judgment came to all men, resulting in condemnation, even so through one Man’s righteous act the free gift came to all men, resulting in justification of life." Romans 5:15-18

"And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others.
But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast." Eph. 2:1-9

Religions of the world all want to be works based. "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death." Prov. 14:12 But it's not true. The Commandments are something to show us that we can't keep them to perfection (Mt. 5:48) and so then we need a Savior.

"Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, that every mouth may be stopped, and all the world may become guilty before God. Therefore by the deeds of the law no flesh will be justified in His sight, for by the law is the knowledge of sin. Therefore we conclude that a man is justified by faith apart from the deeds of the law." Romans 3:19-20,28

"Therefore the law was our tutor to bring us to Christ, that we might be justified by faith. But after faith has come, we are no longer under a tutor.
Sons and Heirs. For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus." Gal. 3:24-26

Furthermore:

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him." Romans 5:8-9

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved." John 3:16-17

The choice is your if you want to believe His Word or reject Him.

"But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name:" John 1:12

"He who rejects Me, and does not receive My words, has that which judges him—the word that I have spoken will judge him in the last day." John 12:48

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me." Rev. 3:20

Or..............

"And anyone not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the lake of fire." Rev. 20:15

But as it is written:

“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,
Nor have entered into the heart of man
The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.” 1 Cor. 2:9

God’s simple plan of salvation:

http://www.godssimpleplan.org/gsps-english.html

[jesseswife]

Katiee, you sound SOOO much like me in a few ways. I'm only a few years older than you (29). I'm a former Roman Catholic. I struggle with pride. I also struggled for several years after knowing who Jesus was to really accept him as my savior. Giving up control over your life can be SCARY. Even as a Christian, it's something that I sometimes struggle with. You asked if God might use situations to bring your pride under control. In my case, He has done that several times, I'm ashamed to admit. This has always happened when I was living in rebellion and on my high horse of "I can do everything under my own power." He has used situations in my life to knock me off of that horse several times and reminded me that I can't.

About your questions regarding whether it's ok to want to be slim and pretty. I really think that it is, as long as you don't make attractiveness an idol that is more important to you than Jesus is. The Bible doesn't say that we shouldn't take care of ourselves. With regard to attractiveness, the Bible says that we should be modest (1Tim2:9). I take that to mean that we shouldn't try to look or dress in a way that would cause a man to lust. Might men still lust anyway? Yes. But many women dress and apply makeup in certain ways so that men will lust after them. Basically, it's enticing the men to sin. The bible doesn't say though that we should walk around with absolutely no makeup, not do our hair at all, and wear nothing but brown burlap.

I hope that helps.

[katiee]

Thank you ALL so so much for replies! It's the first time since 5 months when i dont feel alone with my problem.I could talk to the closest people for me and they couldnt help nor understood.All your replies helped me understand why the things happen the way they do,what's sin, guilt and surrender to Christ.I've always thought that you can live a"good" life on yoru own,maybe with a little help of God. Now i can see how impossible it is,and how little i should feel to God and where my pride brought m and how deceiving it can be.
Thank you for sharing some of your past life issues.It's such a comfort for me to knwo that somebody might understand and might have been in similar situation and im not alone.Im thankful Jesswife.

[Gypsy]

Your very welcome. It feels good that you are here and I hope that you will keep coming back. You know, I was also brought up Catholic; Catholic school, alter boy, Pa was a deacon - the whole works! It was so hard for me to break away from that (I still catch myself trying to cross myself from time to time) and to believe that it was my faith and not my works that was the key. That I could have a personal relationship with Jesus is never something that I thought about before, but it has made all the difference in my life.

Pray some, Katiee. It doesn't have to be fancy or on your knees or in a church. You can do it in bed or the shower or while your driving if you want. Just talk to Him. Tell Him you feel alone and afraid. Tell Him you're confused. Tell Him that you feel lost. Tell Him what you had for lunch if you want. You're not bugging Him. He already knows and He never gets tired of you talking to Him. That's just how he rolls! Just talk to Him. Like a buddy, but like you're talking to a buddy don't forget to listen as well and not just with your ears but with your whole self. He'll speak to you katiee, I promise He will. That's all that being a Christian is really - that is having a relationship with Jesus.

Do you have a bible? Stay with me. I know that might sound about as appealing right now as reading the phonebook. Just read it some. Folks will tell you different ways to read it, but I'd start with the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John - there the stories of Jesus' life) and Romans. Also proverbs and psalms are cool - like poems. I promise it will become like a best friend to you. I pray that you will and that you will keep coming back here. It's a good place to figure stuff out. There are alot of really great and really experienced Christians (most far more experienced then I) and they also never get tired of answering your questions. We actually dig it.

I'll keep you in my prayers. God's love.

[tango]

Thank you ALL so so much for replies! It's the first time since 5 months when i dont feel alone with my problem.I could talk to the closest people for me and they couldnt help nor understood.All your replies helped me understand why the things happen the way they do,what's sin, guilt and surrender to Christ.I've always thought that you can live a"good" life on yoru own,maybe with a little help of God. Now i can see how impossible it is,and how little i should feel to God and where my pride brought m and how deceiving it can be.
Thank you for sharing some of your past life issues.It's such a comfort for me to knwo that somebody might understand and might have been in similar situation and im not alone.Im thankful Jesswife.

That's what we're here for

May God bless you as you seek him

Pro 3:5-6 NKJV Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; (6) In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.

If there's anything else you need to talk about, we're listening!