I’d like to share a little bit of my story with you.I’d appreciate any advice or help.Im not a Christian but im writing on a Christian board because my topic includes God and Him in my life and everything else and I'd appreciate in any advice from a Christian side.
I’ve been brought up in a Catholic family where I’ve learned that only by your own good deeds you can deserve heaven.It made me all scared of God because I felt sooo guilty.I could notice every Scripture saying that if you commit “this” or “that” sin you won’t enter the Kingdom of God.It made me all soo scared.I thought im not pleasant to God at all and the harder I tried to be good the worse it was.That’s why I soon stayed away from the church and God because it was so depressing for me,taking from me all hope and joy.
My first introduction to Christianity was when I accidentally went for a biblecamp.I was around 14.I was truly amzed. I could tell those kids there were different.I believed it can’t have been by their own power but that there must have been something more!It was very attractive for me but there were still many things I didn’t know or didn’t understand.I went for the same camp the following year.I was longing for this love, acceptance, joy those people had.During this time I was struggling a lot with shyness, low self-esteem, looking for purpose in my life as I had none.Life seemed really hard.After this camp I learned more about Jesus but the idea of Jesus as a ruthless judge was still somweshere deep inside so couldnt believe He wanted all the best for me just like that.
Later in high school I went for several camps organized by a Christian church my friends used to attend.There were as many non beliewers and the idea of the camp was to spread the gospel.They were offering giving your life to Christ but I was too much occupied with my own life. I didn’t want to loose all fun,parties,dating and everything else college was offering.I wanted to be like all my peers enjoying life.After camps I still continued to visit church’s youth meetings or sermons. I was still struggling with low self-image,shyness, lack on confidence.So all those meetings were like charging my batteries for the next week.Around Christians I felt accepted,loved.I sensed the atmosphere of peace and joy.They were all very nice to me what I hardly could find around my peers where I had to try much to be liked and noticed.But still couldn’t allow and accept God’s will in my life.I didn’t understand why God really have to take control over your life, why can’t He just help and bring good mood.Somehow as well I felt like a failure.Even around Christians I felt ashamed that im such a worthless person who doesn’t know how to deal with life and who can’t even talk to “normal” people so needs to meet friendly Christians to somehow operate in this life and her own skin.It was very embarrassing for me.I felt i was doing it for myself for my own good mood but God was far.
After high school I went to college and started living away from my parens. First year was pretty hard, I used to listen to Christian music or watching Christian TV to feel a little better and try to force myself into accepting Jesus if it meant hope and love I was longing so much for.Nothing worked out. Later I started working in a hostel as a receptionist.It changed my life a lot! I was becaming very social and friendly.It was easy for me to talk to people and later ive became one of the favourite receptionists around guests and our staff. I gained lots of self-confidense ans self-worth. At the same time unfortunatelly I started partying and drinking a lot.It was after I met an extremely cute boy who left me quickly and was not talking to me anymore.Later I found out that he met another girl.I was deeply hurt and believed that if I had looked better he wouldn’t have left me so drinking was like a felief to the pain. It strengtened as well my obsession with look which had been since i reember.I was trying to loose weigh, dieting.I was as well struggling with lack of energy,concentration.I was blaming sometimes myself that im wasting so much time just because I didin’t have enough strength to leave home.It was real difficulty.I didnt like to fail.
When university came to an end everything started working better.I quited too much partying.Stopped believing what others had to say about "how to be happy".I knew it was taking too much time of my life and not bringing me any good.I stopped having some short term relationships which were my ways of finding acceptance.I foused on myself, I believed I deserved more and wanted to learn, study, do useful things.I still couldn’t find a way to loose weigh I really wanted,I belived that if I was self confident enough than i wouldnt search for admiration and acceptance around guys,would be equal to my friends and wanted to prove myself and OTHERS that I can achieve something as well. I believed that after that a right boy would come with no problems.Instead of partying I was very concerned with writing my thesis and was visiting my parents often which always brought me peace and relax.I got on well with my brother.I was just still struggling with dieting.Than I took Brian Tracy’s book, my dad got from a christian friend “Maximum achievement goal planner”.It somehow opened my mind.Helped me realize that your brain limits you and you can achieve even more than you can think.You just have to start believing it and start setting for yourself bigger goals and work hard.It was soo amazing for me.I was never the best student,didn’t believe in my skills much but now I believed that I can finish my thesis with no problems as well.In the meantime I found a fitness club and regained all energy and concentration I was lacking last years.I felt soo much BETTER!! I didn’t have to worry about food so much, I was losing weigh, I could concentrate on my studies which was sooooo hard physically before.Life seemed so good at last, I had my plan of healthy eating, exercising ,sleeping early.I had a vision of me I was longing for so long and I was so satisfied.I was achiving my goals and i was proud! I met 2 nice guys who seemed to really like me. In the mantime I was still praying to God.I knew He had helped in many ways during my life.I believed without Him it wouldn’t be like that now.I also trusted that all He said was right: like all the parties which didn’t bring satisfaction.But the Christian Church seemed more far from me.I felt more strange and this love and peace seemed not to have the same power for me as before.I felt I didn’t belong there.I still knew I wanted salvation because I didn’t want to go to hell.I believed God will find a solution for me as well.I thought He was good,but after starting achieving my goals and being happy I thought for a short moment that I might not need God to feel happy.And that’s when all disaster started. I don’t know still why but I went to bed with a guy I knew just for a few days.I really liked Him and all i was looking from this relationship was admiration.This guy left me with nothing, I felt like a tool he used for his own fun. Before I had s*x just with one guy.I knew it can hurt you. At that moment I lost everything.I lost all my self-confidence,my self-esteem,than appeared an overhelming feeling of guilt.I lost motivation and reasons to exercise and dieting.I thought time would heal me but it didn’t.I was still at the point when I needed to write my thesis,It brought double stress,I started drinking a lot while writing just to forget.Probably I was drinking more than eating.I felt like I didn’t deserve to be healthy,to take care of myself.I just deserved comdemnation.A this moment I knew I disappointed my parents who trusted me,myself ,my friends.It’s been 5 months since than and life hasn’t been any worse.It’s hard for me to believe my decions,hard to talk to my friends.I feel so bitter with no hope.I was just wondering if it might have been God who allowed for this to happen to bring me closer to Him.Now I’ve understood why it was necessary to give yourself to Jesus and how badly unforgiven sins can tortue you.Everyday is like a battle how to survive, I have no goal in my life anymore.Im just living to survive each day just not to get too depressed and try to do everyday things.Ive as well understood that it must have been my pride which I found out is one of the worst sins that kept me away from God.I needed to prove myself and everyone around that I can as well achieve something.Now it seem worthless.Im not myself anymore.Im not this happy girl who was happy to see her family, who was enjoying every good moments in her life, who liked to be sooo positive about everything and to share it with people around especially after years while I was so unsecure and afraid.This situation has shown me what forgivness really is and how much I need it!Has shown that only by Jesus, not your own strength you can achieve it.
Has it been God who alowed this, can He crush my stubborn, proud heart?Is person in Christ I real true person?You give sb your hurt.Is it still you?I miss me, my friends ,family miss me.Im just a burden for them.I know that life like that has no future and im 26 now when im supposed to be the happiest.Should I quit on life and just choose God’s side and forget all my plans and desires.I still wanna be slim and pretty.Is it wrong?
I know its been long ,maybe I should have put it into non Christians forum?If so tell me, Ill put it there. But if any of you will take some time to read it and give me any advice I’d appreciate extermingly!