Teh Wierdness...

[Spike]

How do you guys handle enforcing getting your own life away from your parents without feeling guilty for insisting on having your own life? It seems to be a recurring theme with me and my mother. When I went to college, I felt pressured to stay with my mother and 'take care of her', or else I'd be disowned.

When I got my first apartment, I felt like I had to allow her full access to my place in order to make her feel better. It seemed like she was always forcing herself on me, claiming she wanted 'a relationship' with me, even though I wasn't particularly interested in visiting with her. And it's been that way for as long as I could remember. I was never really allowed to have my own life, my own friends, nothing that wasn't shared with her. I hated always having to go with her to her friends' houses, where I was guaranteed to be bored out of my skull, because I wasn't interested in her friends' kids.

I even gave up an opportunity to get a decent job in a different state because my mother started telling me about how sick she was getting. Naturally, I felt guilty about wanting to leave.

On the other hand, I feel resentful and put-upon, because I have an older brother, who she practically never bothers, because she doesn't want to look like a pushy mother in law. So why am I automatically responsible for her and making sure she's okay? I am so sick of feeling guilty for wanting to experience life without my mother attached to my hip, or feeling like I have to help her with everything.

I've realized lately that at the ripe old age of 34, I feel very, very old, and very tired.
I've realized that this is probably why I don't want kids or marriage, because I feel like I'm responsible for a kid already... my 50+ year old mother. And it's depressing; I want a life, darn it. One where my mother is simply... not present. Really. Not dead, not disowned, just, for the love of Christ and fluffy bunnies, away from me.

I find myself with very little patience for anything at all these days.

[moonglow]

How do you guys handle enforcing getting your own life away from your parents without feeling guilty for insisting on having your own life? It seems to be a recurring theme with me and my mother. When I went to college, I felt pressured to stay with my mother and 'take care of her', or else I'd be disowned.

When I got my first apartment, I felt like I had to allow her full access to my place in order to make her feel better. It seemed like she was always forcing herself on me, claiming she wanted 'a relationship' with me, even though I wasn't particularly interested in visiting with her. And it's been that way for as long as I could remember. I was never really allowed to have my own life, my own friends, nothing that wasn't shared with her. I hated always having to go with her to her friends' houses, where I was guaranteed to be bored out of my skull, because I wasn't interested in her friends' kids.

I even gave up an opportunity to get a decent job in a different state because my mother started telling me about how sick she was getting. Naturally, I felt guilty about wanting to leave.

On the other hand, I feel resentful and put-upon, because I have an older brother, who she practically never bothers, because she doesn't want to look like a pushy mother in law. So why am I automatically responsible for her and making sure she's okay? I am so sick of feeling guilty for wanting to experience life without my mother attached to my hip, or feeling like I have to help her with everything.

I've realized lately that at the ripe old age of 34, I feel very, very old, and very tired.
I've realized that this is probably why I don't want kids or marriage, because I feel like I'm responsible for a kid already... my 50+ year old mother. And it's depressing; I want a life, darn it. One where my mother is simply... not present. Really. Not dead, not disowned, just, for the love of Christ and fluffy bunnies, away from me.

I find myself with very little patience for anything at all these days.

Wow...well I can't say I blame you. I haven't experienced this..except when I had to move back home to my mom when I left my abusive husband. We lived together for three years...three generations in one house..(included my toddler son). It was really hard...really hard. I am sure she didn't exactly enjoy it either. Too much closest just isn't good at all...nor healthy.

I really don't know what to suggest to you at this point, except yea, you need to cut the apron strings...but how, that is the question...

God bless

[Jeanne D]

How do you guys handle enforcing getting your own life away from your parents without feeling guilty for insisting on having your own life? It seems to be a recurring theme with me and my mother. When I went to college, I felt pressured to stay with my mother and 'take care of her', or else I'd be disowned.

When I got my first apartment, I felt like I had to allow her full access to my place in order to make her feel better. It seemed like she was always forcing herself on me, claiming she wanted 'a relationship' with me, even though I wasn't particularly interested in visiting with her. And it's been that way for as long as I could remember. I was never really allowed to have my own life, my own friends, nothing that wasn't shared with her. I hated always having to go with her to her friends' houses, where I was guaranteed to be bored out of my skull, because I wasn't interested in her friends' kids.

I even gave up an opportunity to get a decent job in a different state because my mother started telling me about how sick she was getting. Naturally, I felt guilty about wanting to leave.

On the other hand, I feel resentful and put-upon, because I have an older brother, who she practically never bothers, because she doesn't want to look like a pushy mother in law. So why am I automatically responsible for her and making sure she's okay? I am so sick of feeling guilty for wanting to experience life without my mother attached to my hip, or feeling like I have to help her with everything.

I've realized lately that at the ripe old age of 34, I feel very, very old, and very tired.
I've realized that this is probably why I don't want kids or marriage, because I feel like I'm responsible for a kid already... my 50+ year old mother. And it's depressing; I want a life, darn it. One where my mother is simply... not present. Really. Not dead, not disowned, just, for the love of Christ and fluffy bunnies, away from me.

I find myself with very little patience for anything at all these days.

'
I think your mother is being very unfair. You're an adult entitled to your own life. You're going to have to set boundaries with her. It won't be easy at first, but it'll get easier over time. Hopefully your mom will understand in time and realize what she's doing .That's when you two can have an adult to adult relationship.
I'm not saying disown her, or ignore her. You can make sure she's ok and "be there for her" but you must be firm in this.

You should get your own place and the job you would like to have. Sit down with your mother and let her know you love her, but let her know that you need to be out on your own.
If she starts using guilt, simply tell her that you love her and you'll visit her, that you'll help her whenever you can, but that this is the way it's going to be.
If she threatens to disown you, then tell her that you will always love her and that you'll only be a phone call away if and when she wants to contact you.

What she is doing is unhealthy for the both of you and it's not the way God has things set up. If she was terminally ill and needed constant care, that would be different, but as long as she is able to live on her own, do not feel guilty about having your own life.
You could offer to get her a "life alert" necklace/plan, which may help her to feel more secure if she's alone.

Be loving but firm, You'll be doing the both of you a favor.

Stay encouraged.
Jeanne

[Frecs]

Ohhh....yesss...have sit my sister and let's talk.

My father was controlling and abusive and my mother is controlling and without boundaries. After they divorced, my mother and I got a place together and I became her emotional support. It was quite stiffling....especially at the age when I should have been off finding myself. After a few years I did move away. Two state lengths away. And, I started putting some distance between us emotionally. After more years I started seeing as counselor for my own issues and we discussed the problem of my mother and my need to put up some boundaries. To say that mother balked at that would be an understatement. And, yes, she worked very hard to make me feel like a horrible daughter for it. I wish I could tell you that she got used to it and everything is great. About eight years ago, I got sick and had to move home to mother for help. Then, I remained because my stepfather was declining and mother's heal is declining--honestly I wouldn't feel right leaving her alone. She still wants to be in my business and know every detail of my life. I remind her often that she doesn't have the right to run my life. Of course, to her she isn't trying to run my life she is just "concerned" and "trying to help". Sigh.

My advice to you? Part of me wants to tell you to leave...go...get a life. You should get a life but I don't know enough of your situation and your mother's health to know if going is the right thing to tell you to do. Is your mother's health really bad? Is she able to care for herself? or, is she just using that to control you?

I want to emphasis one point: It is not disrespectful to want and demand your autonomy. You are a person with God given gifts and talents and a need for your own life. It is not disrespecting your mother to demand the right to have it.

I am more able to handle being my mother's care-giver and companion now because I had the time when I was younger to focus on myself. And, I had a lot to focus on with myself as I wasn't in a great place emotionally. I do sometimes get frustrated and annoyed and want to run away. But, those times are more infrequent and mostly I'm able to relate to my mother as a loving daughter should...with lots of love and patience and understanding and mercy and grace....and a good Chai Latte doesn't hurt either!

Love yourself enough to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Love your mother enough to become the daughter she can be proud of.
Love God by being the woman He designed you to be -- and encouraging your mother to do the same.

Oh, and something that helped me deal with my father: when I learned about his childhood I was able to see that he did the best he could with what he had in himself to work with. His parents were horrible so he did do much better as a parent and husband then the example he had. Perhaps looking at what influenced your mother could help you to see her from a different perspective -- as a woman doing the best she knows how with what she has within her to work with.

[Spike]

Ohhh....yesss...have sit my sister and let's talk.

My father was controlling and abusive and my mother is controlling and without boundaries. After they divorced, my mother and I got a place together and I became her emotional support. It was quite stiffling....especially at the age when I should have been off finding myself. After a few years I did move away. Two state lengths away. And, I started putting some distance between us emotionally. After more years I started seeing as counselor for my own issues and we discussed the problem of my mother and my need to put up some boundaries. To say that mother balked at that would be an understatement. And, yes, she worked very hard to make me feel like a horrible daughter for it. I wish I could tell you that she got used to it and everything is great. About eight years ago, I got sick and had to move home to mother for help. Then, I remained because my stepfather was declining and mother's heal is declining--honestly I wouldn't feel right leaving her alone. She still wants to be in my business and know every detail of my life. I remind her often that she doesn't have the right to run my life. Of course, to her she isn't trying to run my life she is just "concerned" and "trying to help". Sigh.

My advice to you? Part of me wants to tell you to leave...go...get a life. You should get a life but I don't know enough of your situation and your mother's health to know if going is the right thing to tell you to do. Is your mother's health really bad? Is she able to care for herself? or, is she just using that to control you?

I want to emphasis one point: It is not disrespectful to want and demand your autonomy. You are a person with God given gifts and talents and a need for your own life. It is not disrespecting your mother to demand the right to have it.

I am more able to handle being my mother's care-giver and companion now because I had the time when I was younger to focus on myself. And, I had a lot to focus on with myself as I wasn't in a great place emotionally. I do sometimes get frustrated and annoyed and want to run away. But, those times are more infrequent and mostly I'm able to relate to my mother as a loving daughter should...with lots of love and patience and understanding and mercy and grace....and a good Chai Latte doesn't hurt either!

Love yourself enough to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Love your mother enough to become the daughter she can be proud of.
Love God by being the woman He designed you to be -- and encouraging your mother to do the same.

Oh, and something that helped me deal with my father: when I learned about his childhood I was able to see that he did the best he could with what he had in himself to work with. His parents were horrible so he did do much better as a parent and husband then the example he had. Perhaps looking at what influenced your mother could help you to see her from a different perspective -- as a woman doing the best she knows how with what she has within her to work with.

You know, the only reason I have any sort of patience with her at all is because I know this was how she was raised -- father being very controlling and all that. As far as her health, yes, she is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. Right now, I have no job, so I'm sort of stuck, but on the other hand, I still want to be able to be a 34 year old woman on my own. I can handle it -- she just doesn't seem to think so. I get sick of even little things like being asked, every time I leave home when she's still there, "Do you have your key?" Um, Mom, it's a secure building and I don't have a phone. Please grant me enough sense to know to have my keys with me when I leave. Please? Really.

Yeah, seriously, it's true. I need to go ahead and have my life, no matter how guilty I might feel for doing it. I'm thinking I might actually have to be a state or two out of her reach before she'll really get the message that I'm not six anymore. I think she remembers me wandering off from school one day when I was in, like, kindergarten because I was sick of waiting for her to pick me up. I think I've always been a bit too independent for her to understand. I just don't have it in me to be particularly clingy.

By the by, I do indeed love me some chai. Oh, my yes, that stuff's *good*!

[Frecs]

Is she is able to take care of herself, then you need to move out and away if necessary. Create physical boundaries while you work on buildding the emotional boundaries. She'll squak and squeel about it but it's good for both of you.

But, even after the boundaries are built....our mothers will always view us as six year olds. I'm convinced that when mother is 80 and I'm 60, she'll still be asking me if I remembered to feed my dogs.

Chai Latte is a sweet spicy gift from God! Enjoy one everyday!