I am so heartbroken

[mom_of_four]

First of all, I want to apologize for the length of the following entry. It will probably be kind of lengthy. I will try to make it short.

As most of you know, I gave birth to my new daughter on Dec. 23rd. It was a very happy day for my husband and I. But, there was also something going on at our house during my hospital stay that was very emotional for me.

See, it had already been pre-planned that when I had the baby my sisters-in-law (my husband's 2 sisters) would stay at my house and watch my other daughter who is 17 months old. So, it was set and settled. My C-Section was not due until Jan. 6th. I had a feeling that I would not make it that long. But, I had no idea that I would go into labor as early as the 23rd of Dec.! Anyway, on Dec. 23rd, I had a regular Dr.'s appointment. One of my sisters-in-law came to my house to watch my 17 month old so that me and my husband could go together to the appointment. Well, upon being examined that day, the Dr. told me I was already dialated to 5 cm and had to go straight to the hospital to have the C-Section right then! So, we called home to let the sister-in-law know. She said OK and that she would stay at our house with the 17 month old. So, things seemed fine.

Well, my other sister-in-law came later that night to help her sister watch our daughter at our house while I was in the hospital. They stayed at our house the night of the 23rd and all day on the 24th. Then, on the evening of the 24th, things started blowing up. My mother-in-law called my house to talk to her daughters who were watching my child. She was just calling to make sure things were OK and see how our 17 month old was doing. Well, she mentioned to them that she was beginning to start cooking Christmas dinner ahead of time. And that is when my 2 sisters-in-law realized that they needed to help her because my MIL has 2 very bad knees and will need to be replaced soon. And she is not supposed to be standing on her legs for long periods of time. Now, in most cases, people would say "OK, pack up the 17 month old and head to MIL's house to help her." Right? That would work in a normal situation. But, my 17 month old has scoliosis and was due to have her 2nd cast put on just a few days later. The doctor had advised us to not have her out in the weather because if she got sick, they would refuse to put on the cast (because she has to be put under anesthesia to have it done and kids with colds can't be safely put to sleep). So, they could not take my daughter anywhere. They had to keep her at my house. So, they called MY 2 sisters and asked them if they would care to come to my house just for a few hours - long enough for them to go to their mom's house and help her and then they said they would come back. My sisters refused!!!! My sisters said that they had already made plans and that had they known a couple of days before hand, they would have helped out.

So, my 2 sisters-in-law stayed at my house, my MIL did all the cooking, and now my Sisters-in-law are very upset with my sisters and my sisters seem to feel like they have done nothing wrong. It is causing family strife and lots of hurt feelings. I have cried over this. And it hurts me to think that my own 2 sisters would not take a couple of hours out of their day to watch my 17 month old. I have talked to my sisters about this and they feel no remorse and say that they did nothing wrong and they feel like they owe no one any apologies. They said that my sisters-in-law had already agreed to watch the baby and that they should not have even called them asking for help since they had agreed to stay at my house.

Here is my question to you all - How do I deal with this? I am so angry with my sisters. And I am so upset that they have hurt my sisters-in-law - as well as my MIL. How can I help my family to come to peace with this thing so that everyone feels comfortable being around each other again? ADVICE???

[andrew_no_one]

Praying that our Lord takes charge of this situation.

[D in Georgia]

Yes, praying for you and your family to have peace. Please try and let this go for now. You may have to revisit it later, but this is a time when you need to continue to heal and care for your new baby. I expect that your hormones are still trying to level out. Try to give it to God. Things might seem different in a few weeks.
Congratulations on the new child! D in Georgia

[moonglow]

Why do you feel you have to fix this situation though? You have enough to deal with right now...a new baby...a toddler in a back cast...if I were you I would just pray and turn this over to God and let Him deal with it. We cannot control what others do and we aren't responsible for what others do either.

Your MIL didn't have to start cooking early btw...she should have known better actually considering the situation going on. Your sisters obviously had other things going on. BTW..taking a child out in the cold doesn't make them sick! Germs make them sick. I would double check on the doctor about that cause that makes no sense. The body can get stressed from being overly cold which weakens the immune system and they she could catch something easier. Then I could see him saying don't have her out in the cold playing for a long time...something like that. She would have been in the cold for what..a minute? Then be in a nice warm car. Since he said that were you planning on staying home for Christmas so you wouldn't take her out in the cold? (before you realized of course you were having your baby).

Another thing came to mind...why couldn't have one of the sister in laws gone to your mom's to help? Does it take two of them to watch your daughter? You do it alone all the time and you said one was there by herself for quite some time. Just seems like one of them could have left and gone and helped with the cooking. This might be why your sisters didn't want to go over...they were probably irritated that the mother in law first decided to start cooking early...when she didn't have too...and they probably thought one of her daughters could go help. Surely one could have been left with your daughter for a few hours. The ball was dropped by alot of people here...simply not thinking things through. But that happens at that time of year because everyone is so busy...has so much to do and think about... But you know what? That is their problem...not yours. You were busy having a baby and that is all you should have been concerned about.

But here it is now weeks later..I truly hope you haven't been upset about this all this time! When you should have been enjoying your baby. I would send out thank you cards to the sister in laws at least for the help they provided. I think you are lucky they were able to drop everything and help when you all expected the baby later. You are very lucky they could do that.


God bless

[karenoka27]

If this were my situation, I would do something nice for the the two that stayed. Either a gift card, gift, or make them dinner (you could invite your mother-in-law too ).
I have three sisters and we are very close. The way we got to be this way is that we have learned to overlook the things that disappoint and frustrate. It's not worth it in the end.
My suggestion...drop it. Don't waste your energy being angry with your sisters. You are too busy for that.

[Spike]

Maybe try looking at it from their perspective: with all they had to do themselves, was it really fair to expect them to drop it all when your sisters in law could have taken your daughter to your mother in law's house? Colds come from germs, not from being out in the cold for about a minute or two. I understand that you also have a lot going on, but this is a time to remind yourself that not everyone's lives revolve around the things you have to do; other people have things they have to do, and it cannot always be dropped in favor of your children and family. Sure, it's somewhat upsetting, but take a step back and breathe, realize getting stressed over this isn't good for you or your new baby.

[catlover]

I agree with Spike and the others about this. Don't dwell on it. You shouldn't have to fix it anyway. Let it work itself out.

[Firefighter]

Why do you feel you have to fix this situation though?

BTW..taking a child out in the cold doesn't make them sick! Germs make them sick.

The ball was dropped by alot of people here...simply not thinking things through.

I think you are lucky they were able to drop everything and help when you all expected the baby later. You are very lucky they could do that.

I just thought I would reiterate these four fantastic points that really stood out to me in a brilliant post. Me thinks you have a kink in your think. You SHOULD count yourself lucky. You have two people that are willing to put everything on hold for DAYS during Christmas to help you out. Be thankful.

[Dani H]

So you basically just wrote this long involved story to tell on your sisters ... even though, technically, they did nothing wrong. They just didn't jump when you wanted them to, on Christmas, which everyone plans weeks if not months in advance and can't just drop everything last minute unless there's a true emergency.

Maybe I'm missing something but that's what I'm reading ... so enlighten me if I missed anything.

[RabbiKnife]

Spending Christmas alone without any family would perhaps be an improvement?
Having no children to care for would perhaps be an improvement?

[Diggindeeper]

Years ago I learned the Serenity Prayer. I think you need to learn it too. Here it is:

SERENITY PRAYER
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Some things are what they are. Things happen in life. Your child was safe, got to stay inside, and actually, no harm was done. Your sisters could not come at that particular time. Stop being resentful and judgmental and just forget it.

Not one thing you can do will undo anything, so move on and stop being heartbroken over something that, in the end, was fine, even though it didn't work out as you or anyone would have wanted. Above all, don't be resentful towards anyone! Everyone was just trying to get through Christmas, and at the same time, help you out, if they could. End of story.

[Jeanne D]

Years ago I learned the Serenity Prayer. I think you need to learn it too. Here it is:

SERENITY PRAYER
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Some things are what they are. Things happen in life. Your child was safe, got to stay inside, and actually, no harm was done. Your sisters could not come at that particular time. Stop being resentful and judgmental and just forget it.

Not one thing you can do will undo anything, so move on and stop being heartbroken over something that, in the end, was fine, even though it didn't work out as you or anyone would have wanted. Above all, don't be resentful towards anyone! Everyone was just trying to get through Christmas, and at the same time, help you out, if they could. End of story.

I agree with this. The serenity prayer says it all.

Families have a tendency to upset us and push our buttons.

I think you should focus on your wonderful new baby, and your immediate family. You have received a wonderful blessing.
Pray for your family members (sisters etc), love them, know when to set boundaries with them, and count your blessings.

Jeanne

[karenoka27]

Here is my question to you all - How do I deal with this? I am so angry with my sisters. And I am so upset that they have hurt my sisters-in-law - as well as my MIL. How can I help my family to come to peace with this thing so that everyone feels comfortable being around each other again? ADVICE???

Thought of these verses today as I was praying for you in your situation:
Regarding your sisters:
Ephesians 4:32-"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."
Ephesians 4:26-"Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:"

Your sisters didn't do anything wrong. Forgive them and move on.

[mom_of_four]

So you basically just wrote this long involved story to tell on your sisters ... even though, technically, they did nothing wrong. They just didn't jump when you wanted them to, on Christmas, which everyone plans weeks if not months in advance and can't just drop everything last minute unless there's a true emergency.

Maybe I'm missing something but that's what I'm reading ... so enlighten me if I missed anything.

No, I am not upset with the fact that they did not "jump when asked". I am upset because of the way that they responded to my SIL's. Instead of nicely saying "Sorry, we already have made other plans", they called me at the hospital while I was in pain from my C-Section and said "What is wrong with those people? Have they lost their minds?" And they refused to call my SIL's and tell them no. My SIL's sat at my house confused because there was no communication. I just thought the way that they spoke about my in-laws was disrespectful. That is what hurts me the most - the way it was handled.

[mom_of_four]

No, I am not upset with the fact that they did not "jump when asked". I am upset because of the way that they responded to my SIL's. Instead of nicely saying "Sorry, we already have made other plans", they called me at the hospital while I was in pain from my C-Section and said "What is wrong with those people? Have they lost their minds?" And they refused to call my SIL's and tell them no. My SIL's sat at my house confused and unsure if they were going anywhere or not because there was no communication. I just thought the way that they spoke about my in-laws was disrespectful. That is what hurts me the most - the way it was handled. And when it was all over, they continued to talk badly about my SIL's. That is what has hurt my SIL's - the way my own sisters have talked about them. Had my sisters told my SIL's (in a nice way) that they were unable to come over, the whole thing would have been dropped and nothing else said. But, they over-reacted and acted like 4th graders toward my SIL's. My SIL's were very hurt over the way that my sisters treated them.