Scared of church

[indie_glasses]

I don’t feel safe when I go to church. I feel scared and judged, like everyone around me knows what I’ve done and knows that I don’t belong there. I feel hated and scorned and rejected. Like I should just get out. I get in line for cookies and people walk past saying hello, not stopping. I get a drink and grab a cookie. I stand around awkwardly, not knowing anyone, not really knowing anyone and no one really knowing me. I feel like a loser, like someone nobody wants to talk to, like a worthless piece of crap. I walk around the room, find somewhere to stand, look around helplessly and scared and I want to cry. I head to the bathroom, lock myself in and say angry things at God for making me go through this crap. I fight back tears and wait till someone actually wanting to pee knocks on the door and I leave. Usually someone starts talking to be by then. But I’m nobody’s first choice. Nobody wants to be talking to me, nobody cares. I’m the pity case. I struggle finding things to say, trying to sound interesting so they won’t leave and move on to the next pity case. Why doesn’t anyone care about knowing me? Maybe this church thing is just a superficial social outing. Let’s go to church and call ourselves Christian and make me feel like crap. I’m a 22 year old female student in Montreal. Does anybody at church even know my name?

[andrew_no_one]

Good morning friend. I'm sorry to hear that you had a rough time with meeting people at church. I wish I could say that everyone at church will always go out of their way to make you feel welcome but I've felt like the odd-man-out some places I've went as well.
This may sound weird, but this is how God made me comfortable around other people when I used to feel ignored and alone: I talked to them! I stopped waiting for someone to come up and greet me and started walking around with a big smile (even as the new guy) and greeting the others in the church, asking how they were doing and just making a little get-to-know-you-type small talk. With a little consistency, the people who once walked past me now seek me out to let me know how they are doing. Why? Because I made sure they knew I cared!
When I prayed about how I was being ignored, God showed me that I am not the only person on earth who is shy around new people, they were shy also!
I really hope this helps. If you need someone to talk to, you’ll find many friends here.
Welcome to Bible Forums! It’s a blessing to have you with us!

[Otter77]

I'm glad you're here indie_glasses!

A couple initial reactions.... the first time I walked into ANY church only 5 years ago- I felt the same way. I was irritated before I even went... I didn't WANT to know anybody. I took God's power combined with some very outgoing people to really break me in... now I'm the guy who goes around saying "hi" whenever I see someone new.

I'm sorry that your experience so far hasn't been as good. Some churches really ARE like that (I have been to some) but others are not. Keep trying - whether at the same church you're currently trying or at another. Andrew's suggestion is REALLY good. This will also give you a good meter on whether you're at the right place or not.

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Some food for thought on this subject:

* They're probably just as scared as you are

* People IN churches tend to be just as screwed-up as people out of churches.... they will be shy, afraid of your judgment, ashamed, embarrassed, etc... So instead they'll cling to only people that they know because it's COMFORTABLE for them. They're not thinking about you at all, which is sad... but it's not a judgment against you.

* I've had some times before myself in my church where I decide not to invest in someone because I don't think they'll stick around long. This was TOTALLY the WRONG attitude for me to have but it was how I felt at the time. Consider this as a possibility... not a direct slight against you but rather again a failure of others that you may wish to forgive and overlook.

So again I say - keep trying... and even though it goes against every natural fleshly grain in your body... try to be outgoing!

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one more thing...

I'm a relatively big imposing guy... I have the ability to look intimidating and unapproachable if I want to. You don't have to be big and imposing though for your body language to say "don't talk to me". They may be giving you the space that they think you want!

[Twin2]

I can understand your feelings. I used to be very shy. I would still say I am very reserved, though with the Lord's help I am now able to be the one to approach people who look like the need a friend. I have been the one sitting at church events and feeling like nobody cared, while my husband could be in the same crowd talking with people like he's known them all his life. I have even complained to my husband about this before. His comment was that if I sit around feeling sorry for myself, nobody will talk to me. I am older now, a grandma. When I find myself alone, I pick out one person and go talk to them. In a church setting, there are other people who would just love for someone to shake their hand and tell them how good it is to see them. At church events, there are always people who would love for someone to come over and talk about what's on their mind. Does it matter what you talk about? No. Not really. Talk about the cute little kid running around. Talk about the snow you got last week. Talk about how good the Lord has been to you. Anything. People just want to know you that they are important enough for someone to approach.

You said at church you feel scared and judged. Can I tell you that yes people probably are looking and trying to figure out what you're all about? That's only natural. I do it myself. Not intentionally. They really aren't judging you though. If you can find it in you to open up to at least one person each time you attend church, it will get easier. I do not mean give them your life story, but make a point to greet someone and if you feel bold enough, make some small talk. If you feel like you are getting the stare down, give them a big smile and maybe even a little wave. Then you can look away or go about your business. Sometimes in a new setting the visitor has to break the barriors. Before long, you will know people and they will be opening up to you.

[indie_glasses]

Thanks for the responses... I went to church last week and made a friend, who was new, so we didn't feel alone. I have been trying to go to this church for about a year now... But I honestly dont know how to be a Christian and I'm scared. I feel like I have to prove something to these people. I only started going because I moved into this "christian" place, like a residence kind of, and my roommates went. I didnt have a relationship with God at the time, and wasn't sure if I wanted one, but I followed them to church because that's what they did, and part of me was afraid that if i didnt do these christian things I would get kicked out of the residence ( I needed to live there because I had a different and awful living situation somewhere else and my mom had some connections that eventually led to this residence)

I've never actually had a meaningful conversation about my faith, or God with my roommates. At first I didnt want to ask questions or seem confused, because if i wasnt a good christian, I was afraid i'd get kicked out. I grew up with a christian mother and a non-christian father, and so i've got the message, i know the stories etc. But i never lived it. I've faked it a lot. I dont want to fake it anymore... but I'm scared because I cant just randomly tell my roommates "hey, I've been faking it all this time and I actually am not entirely sure where I'm at with God right now." And part of me doesnt want to open up to them because I dont even trust my own motives. Would I be opening up to them to prove to them that I do have faith? Why should I have to prove anything to them at all? I have no idea how to talk about god to other christians because I'm just going to feel like they're judging everything I say, or pointing out everything unbiblical about my faith, or how i'm wrong. I hate it. It makes me want to leave christianity completely, go my own way and hang out with people of the world who don't care what I believe, they just like me the way i am. I never feel good enough for these christians and i'm sick of it. I just feel like whatever faith in God i have, is hanging by a thread, or that i'm constantly sitting on this fence, unsure about following jesus or forgetting it all. I could never forget it all, I just mean... I dont know how to be Christian... I'd rather just pray alone, or read my bible alone, or listen to online sermons alone and not worry about what other christians think of me.

[indie_glasses]

I need to talk to my roommates about this. I just don't know how and I'm scared. But I've known for months now that I need to tell them how I feel. I'm scared.

[Otter77]

If you don't do it - you'll always be left wondering. If you believe in the Devil - and he IS there... I can tell you that fear is one of his favorite tools. Don't let him win!

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If you can't talk to your roommates... consider asking for a meeting with one of the pastors at your church?

[Twin2]

I think it best that you meet with a pastor or trusted Christian friend to ask your questions. One way you can word your questions to your roommates is asking what they believe, how it compares to other churches. Of course you are on a Christian board and you can ask away. Just keep in mind that the answers you receive may vary depending on doctrine the person answering the question.

As a Christian, you start with the basics and then you are supposed to be continually growing. That means you should always be seeking to be closer to the Lord. It is never wrong to ask a fellow Christian, a pastor or leader for help understanding it all. In fact, I encourage it. Once you start to develop that on one one relationship with the Lord, you can pray and ask the Lord for guidance as well.

[lovex]

It's not about what you've done... it's about what He's done.
You aren't at Church to go and meet friends to chit chat with... your there because You are part of the body of Christ and there to worship and praise Him.
Love you friend.

[Nicolai]

Most people suffer from a spirit of rejection in one way or another. Its really debilitating and it comes to us through our blood , through our parents. Bad things that have happened to us opened a door and sometimes we have great difficulty forgiving the person because of the harm they have done to us.

But the Lord does not have one set of rules for some and another set of rules for others. His rules regarding forgiveness apply to all of His children and they are designed to bring us to freedom. He hands us all over to tormenting spirits, until we forgive from the heart. But the good news is, that once we forgive, the deliverance from these spirits are possible and we also will start walking on the road to freedom, through His grace.

Here is a very good short article on the spirit of rejection that can manifest in all sorts of ways in our lives.

http://www.unleavenedbreadministries...ge=deliverance

[Nicolai]

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. ~Lewis B. Smedes,

[moonglow]

Thanks for the responses... I went to church last week and made a friend, who was new, so we didn't feel alone. I have been trying to go to this church for about a year now... But I honestly dont know how to be a Christian and I'm scared. I feel like I have to prove something to these people. I only started going because I moved into this "christian" place, like a residence kind of, and my roommates went. I didnt have a relationship with God at the time, and wasn't sure if I wanted one, but I followed them to church because that's what they did, and part of me was afraid that if i didnt do these christian things I would get kicked out of the residence ( I needed to live there because I had a different and awful living situation somewhere else and my mom had some connections that eventually led to this residence)

I've never actually had a meaningful conversation about my faith, or God with my roommates. At first I didnt want to ask questions or seem confused, because if i wasnt a good christian, I was afraid i'd get kicked out. I grew up with a christian mother and a non-christian father, and so i've got the message, i know the stories etc. But i never lived it. I've faked it a lot. I dont want to fake it anymore... but I'm scared because I cant just randomly tell my roommates "hey, I've been faking it all this time and I actually am not entirely sure where I'm at with God right now." And part of me doesnt want to open up to them because I dont even trust my own motives. Would I be opening up to them to prove to them that I do have faith? Why should I have to prove anything to them at all? I have no idea how to talk about god to other christians because I'm just going to feel like they're judging everything I say, or pointing out everything unbiblical about my faith, or how i'm wrong. I hate it. It makes me want to leave christianity completely, go my own way and hang out with people of the world who don't care what I believe, they just like me the way i am. I never feel good enough for these christians and i'm sick of it. I just feel like whatever faith in God i have, is hanging by a thread, or that i'm constantly sitting on this fence, unsure about following jesus or forgetting it all. I could never forget it all, I just mean... I dont know how to be Christian... I'd rather just pray alone, or read my bible alone, or listen to online sermons alone and not worry about what other christians think of me.

I am so sorry you feel this way..I really am. One of the core messages in the bible is for us to love each other. I am sorry think and fear you are going to be judged. That isn't what Christianity is about...

Jesus gave us two commandments...one is to love God and the other is to love each other. When we go to church we don't view each other with judgment...if we did..who would go?

People go to church to worship God of course...to learn about Him...and also to encourage, pray for and love each other.

I think Otter hit the nail on the head when he said body language says alot...'don't talk to me'...and people won't. You sound like you don't like yourself at all actually which is sad...I mean re-read your post...the things you said about yourself.

But I want you to know something that I don't just go around telling anyone..let alone posting on here. I used to be you! Really I was...at your age I pretty much felt about myself like you feel about yourself. I had no self esteem at all and feared rejection all the time in and out of church. I felt like that at school...at work..at home...pretty much everywhere.

But its true...when you completely surrender to God He changes you..its not you changing yourself first and fitting some idea of what a Christian should be. He changes you!

Now I am open and much happier and I like myself and I don't fear people. I have no problems going up and talking to complete stranger in church or out of it.

Also..I don't understand why you think you must talk to your roommate about anything? If you aren't comfortable then just talk to us. That is why we are here. For support, encouragement..to answer any questions you have about God or the bible. No judgment either.

I know on the media and the net all you hear is about those narrow minded judgmental Christians ...pushy, aggressive, demanding...

It just doesn't make the news that we love people..that we help the homeless..the broken hearted...we feed the hungry..we donate clothes, money, our time. Lots and lots of time! That our hearts break over the suffering that so many go through in this world...that our knees are worn out from being on them so much in prayer for these people. That kind of stuff just isn't going to get high ratings for news stories...

I will be praying for you. That the Lord blesses you with peace of mind and takes away the fear you have of us and the church. In most churches they are good people there. People that would give you the shirt off their backs and do whatever they could for you. It just takes time to get to know them.

God bless
Julie

[Otter77]

Just to add... me too Julie... I used to HATE myself more than anyone else could hate me and I was a total introvert. I wouldn't even talk to you in the grocery store line - even if you said something nice to me.

Now I'm a Youth Pastor/Leader (depending on how you define Pastor) and my wife and I lead a Marriage group at our church. I love talking-to and meeting new people and I love talking to people about JESUS! Total transformation in progress here... I've come a long way, and I have a long way to go!

[Rumely]

Echoing Moonglow here. I wouldn't worry about explaining or justifying anything with your roommates at this point. Find someone unrelated to your living situation (the pastor of the church you are attending, maybe?) and have that in-depth discussion about faith and what it means to be a Christian. When you get your relationship with God and His church sorted out, there won't be any need for you to "explain yourself" to your roommates.

If you haven't already, consider attending a Bible study and/or Sunday school class for your group (college age, young singles, or whatever fits). That way you'll be a new face in a much smaller crowd. If you attend regularly, you will become familiar to people and everyone can become more comfortable with each other. Hopefully, the leader of that group will take notice and make an effort to get to know you and integrate you into the group. This is more likely to happen in a small group setting with regular meetings, an agenda, and leadership than in the chaos that is the before, between, and after services socializing.

Fitting in takes time for shy people, or even not-shy people with a lot on their minds. Just relax. You don't have to "prove" anything to anybody. Try to maintain an inviting, friendly demeanor. Even if someone just says "hi" in passing, if they get a smile and friendly "hi" in return, they will be more likely to pay more attention to you next time since their brief interaction was pleasant and rewarding. You can train them like Pavlov's dogs. Pretty soon they'll be drooling at the prospect of talking with you. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but the principle holds true. I went to a two year school to get an accounting degree many moons ago. The first year I was lonely and miserable. The second year I had my classmates thinking I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. The difference was that the second year I made an effort to cheerily greet each of my classmates by name each day when I saw them, even the "negative Nellie" whose unfailing response to my "good morning" was, "What's so good about it?" Keep in mind that I am an introvert bordering on anti-social, so it doesn't necessarily come naturally for me. Conscious, consistent, small steps built upon themeselves and paid big dividends in the end.

[moonglow]

Just to add... me too Julie... I used to HATE myself more than anyone else could hate me and I was a total introvert. I wouldn't even talk to you in the grocery store line - even if you said something nice to me.

Now I'm a Youth Pastor/Leader (depending on how you define Pastor) and my wife and I lead a Marriage group at our church. I love talking-to and meeting new people and I love talking to people about JESUS! Total transformation in progress here... I've come a long way, and I have a long way to go!

I wouldn't have responded to something nice said to me (then) because I either couldn't think of anything to say...or afraid I would say the wrong thing...

This morning I went up to a guy in a wheelchair that I think probably had CP..couldn't sit up straight in it at all and welcomed him to church then the guy next to him that brought him. The CP guy couldn't shake hands which I expected, but I wanted him to not be overlooked because many times people don't know how to talk to a handicapped person and since I have worked with people like him I am perfectly comfortable with it. Then I welcomed a young man sitting alone too (which I think is probably a regular member) but you never know. Our church has five services because its so large so I never know if someone is new or not..

Anyway the point is not that many years ago I wouldn't have done that. I was far too shy...far too worried about saying the wrong thing...and would certainly spend the rest of the day beating myself up over it..figuring I did something wrong. I would only greeted those I already knew and was comfortable with.

At times I still catch myself going over and over in my mind how I handled something..and start that "I should have said this or that"...and on and on..then I catch myself and just stop it cause it helps no one ...certainly not myself. We just can't constantly worry about what others think all the time. That is not living..its self torture..a type of hell actually.

God does change us if we give Him the chance.

I am glad you are doing so well Otter..that is great to hear.

Great post Rumely..I practice just smiling at people in public..you would be surprised how many smile back... I used to not even be able to look people in the eyes...now I look and smile. Everyone understands a smile...no matter what language they speak.

God bless