How do I become more confident?

[TRAVlS]

I have struggled with being insecure as long as I can remember. Im 22 now and I thought it would get easier as I got older. It is really hard for me to have a conversation with someone. It makes it really hard when they are completely focused on me and not on something else. Its even hard when I am talking to my cousins over the phone. I continually force myself to do things even if it makes me uncomfortable. I started playing drums at my church about a year ago. This is out of my comfort zone because I don't like to to be up in front of people. We are doing an easter play at church and I signed up for it even though I am terrified of being the center of attention. I have some verses that encourage me to stay positive and keep fighting through it. Has anyone else felt like this before. If so how do you get through it and move forward from it.

[episkopos]

Hi Travis! I know how you feel to some degree. I used to be very insecure in my younger years. My upbringing was detrimental to my having any confidence whatsoever. I played in bands but used to hide behind my hair so no one would look at me.

Good on you that you are taking courage and stepping out! Continue to do that. You have to practice what I call...crossing the bridge....from safety into the fray!

I'm now 52 and nobody would ever have thought I was EVER less than totaly confident. You will feel the same in time as you continue to push through. Time is a great healer.

I've learned that having good friends is a great help. The solution to a past bad relationship is a present GOOD one!

God bless you my brother! <><

John

[BroRog]

I have struggled with being insecure as long as I can remember. Im 22 now and I thought it would get easier as I got older. It is really hard for me to have a conversation with someone. It makes it really hard when they are completely focused on me and not on something else. Its even hard when I am talking to my cousins over the phone. I continually force myself to do things even if it makes me uncomfortable. I started playing drums at my church about a year ago. This is out of my comfort zone because I don't like to to be up in front of people. We are doing an easter play at church and I signed up for it even though I am terrified of being the center of attention. I have some verses that encourage me to stay positive and keep fighting through it. Has anyone else felt like this before. If so how do you get through it and move forward from it.

Yes, courage is not lack of fear, but action in the face of fear.

With regard to confidence, this comes with practice and experiences. You will always be a little nervous while playing in front of an audience, but you will gain a little more confidence each time you perform. If you want more confidence apart from this, I would suggest rehearsal. Practice and rehearsal are good ways to build confidence.

With regard to insecurity, this is trickier. Insecurity can arise when a man has a bit of self-hatred. If you don't like yourself, you will not expect others to like you either and when in the company of other people, you will be insecure. The place to start is to realize a couple of things. First of all, remember that you are made in the image of God. You and I are not garbage; we are special, unique, and wonderful creations of God. And as such we deserve the honor and respect that comes with being a unique human being. Second, we all seem to have an insatiable need for the approval of others, and if we don't get it, we become insecure. The solution to this problem is to seek the approval of God instead.

For example, when you play drums, it will be tempting to seek the accolades and cheers from the audience. Abandon that strategy and play for Jesus instead. In fact, do everything for Jesus rather than for other people. Jesus will always be kind but he will always be honest too. And if you are not seeking the approval of other people, then you won't fear what they think about you. And if you don't fear what others think, this will free you from the real or imagined condemnation, and judgmentalism you experience. In fact, a lot of what we experience as insecurity is self-inflicted criticism that happens in our head -- in the fantasies of our imagination. As soon as you get the point that you can say, "I don't care if this person is judging me" the sooner you will be able to love the other person.

Another thing to think about. Perhaps someone you respected as a child was constantly critical of you. If so, you need to forgive that person and come to the real truth about yourself. Don't listen to that voice from the past that was constantly critical, constantly finding things that you were doing wrong. The truth is, you are worthy of love, you deserve to be yourself, and you deserve dignity and respect.

[soldout4God]

same here brother! i was giving one of my first speeches in speech class today about gum and the gospel and i immensly lacked confidence! But i like to think about it as, having less confidence gives us the opportunity to ask God for more of it. And we can have a story of how God helped us through our insecuritys. And memorizing a verse and saying it over and over again definitly helps! "moving forward from it"... As i continue to grow closer to God the more i realize that i've got nothing left to lose and to go all out for Him. I think that nervousness and uncomfortableness will always be there but i'll be able to deal with better as my realtionship with God grows.
your sister in Christ-katy

[Neanias]

I'm with you guys!

I'm 18, and I have the same thing... If I have to speak in front of any crowd or give any speech, I get nervous! My hands get shaky (so it's a lot easier if I don't have to hold papers) and sweaty! I'm out of school now, but I was slowly working through it there... I learned doing debates in philosophy class and presentations in other classes... I've found for myself that with time it just wears off and you stop worrying... It just get's easy!

Don't get me wrong, it's not easy for me at this point! I still get all shaky

But it's better. I remember one time, doing a 20 minute powerpoint presentation, I just relaxed, added a little bit of humor, and all of a sudden it went so smoothly!
But I'll still get nervous next time

[lovex]

I am very..very...very...veryveryveryveryvery shy. I am extremely quiet. I think you can label me as a introvert.. to the fullest. Before, I felt like I had to put so much effort into being someone that I wasn't (like when i'd be in a huge crowd and felt like I HAD to talk) but now, I have accepted the way the Lord has made me. I am quiet, shy, and content with that. Maybe if you just become more content with who you are, you won't worry so much about what you aren't.

[Slina]

I have the same thing, though it doesn't really affect me as much when it comes to getting in front of people. When it comes to talking to other people though, I can get really nervous and insecure, and that feeling only gets worse with larger groups. For me, I think a lot of it comes from not being very familiar with how to interact socially; I'm still improving, but I still don't really get groups since I can never figure out when it's my turn since there's always someone else talking. Crowds are also bad for me; they're so loud and it's hard to find people to start conversations with, and I usually hate jumping into conversations, so I usually avoid them, even if that means less social opportunities. I'm getting a little better though, and it's true, a lot of it comes from forcing myself to hang out with people more and actually take part in conversations. The more I do it (and the more I learn about how to it, even), the better it gets. Also, the more I get to know people, the more comfortable I am with them, and having everyone in the group be friends of mine makes a huge difference.

As far as getting in front of people, I'm not sure I have any suggestions, since I've been more or less doing it as long as I can remember (nothing major, but you know, a church solo here, some children's theater there...). That'd probably be me main suggestion though, is that the more you do it, the better it will get. Also, make sure you really know your material. Winging it probably isn't a very good idea until you're more comfortable onstage. Keep praying, and make sure you know your lines and choreography backward and forward well before you perform, and that should help a lot. Also focus on the play itself. Immersing yourself into the play might distract you from the audience a little.

[ProDeo]

It seems you have an urge to please everybody?

Avoiding criticism and/or unpleasant situations?

Something like that?

[SteveL]

Wow, this topic speaks to me. In this season of my life, I have noticed that my confidence has taken a bit of a hit. Last year, people told me they saw me as an extrovert, but I always considered myself as an introvert with extrovert tendencies. I used to just start up conversations with complete strangers in past years. However, I was recently rejected by a girl and I think that took its toll on me. Or, at least, I've allowed it to affect me. Now I keep more to myself, and just the thought of big group fellowships kind of tires me out.

As I get closer and closer to 30, I find I'm becoming more of a homebody (somebody who enjoys just staying home) and more introverted. However, lately I feel I've taken this on an extreme. I think there's a healthy balance and right now I dunno. The past month I have felt "off my game" so to speak. I guess I need to get back into the Word more and talk to God more. I remember when I first became Christian I was on fire and everyone told me they could sense that. I think now, in my 2nd year, I've lost some of that enthusiasm and sheer love for Christ. I think I've hit a comfort zone, and have been hanging out there now too long. Has this ever happened to any of you? The first year you're on fire. The second year you become a bit "disenchanted" (at least with fellowship) by experiences and incidences with brothers and sisters... maybe even a rejection or two along the way. Maybe some pastoral issues or a riff with a church brother or sister.

I think I've been hurt by some fellow believers the past year and I've let it affect my self-confidence and who I am as a child of God. I wish to be carefree and on fire again.

[ImmenseDisciple]

I think confidence can as you say be something which simply comes with age, but the way which I initially acquired it was quite simple - fake it.

I think that probably a vast number of people who act super-confident are doing just that: acting. And it's my experience that when you act confident, it changes how you feel. You act confident, the people around you start treating you as being confident, and before you know it, you're not trying - you're just confident.

I'd also say that it seems you are (unconsciously, maybe?) doing the other thing that can really help build your confidence - challenging yourself. When you get on that stage, you probably will be nervous, more or less everyone is - but when you're done, you'll be buzzing! You'll be amazed you pulled it off and people will be telling you, "You were so confident! I could never be so bold to get up in front of everyone..." Keep doing what you're doing, and it really will build up.

Finally - prayer prayer prayer prayer prayer! Pray relentlessly, talk to God whenever you're nervous, ask for His peace and for the absolute confidence that can only come through knowing Him.

[Dani H]

Well ... show me a verse that says the "confident will inherit the earth."

The only way to lose the fear of men is to draw closer to God and to serve people for who they are, and not who they pretend to be.

Do everything as unto God, and people ... well, they're just people. Equally dust before Him to whom we must all give account.

[Athanasius]

I think that probably a vast number of people who act super-confident are doing just that: acting. And it's my experience that when you act confident, it changes how you feel. You act confident, the people around you start treating you as being confident, and before you know it, you're not trying - you're just confident.

This is what I did, so it 'worked' for me. Also, try not to confuse 'confident' with being someone you aren't.

[TRAVlS]

I appreciate all of your comments. Do you guys think this could be a spiritual battle that i'm going through? I can't find anyone in the bible that I can really relate to on this issue... It seems like there is nothing I can do to win this battle... It has gotten to the point where I can't even talk to my family with out feeling insecure (I don't understand why I feel this way because my family is very loving). I have always been really shy but it wasn't until last year that it started getting really hard for me to be around people without feeling overwhelming anxiety. Ive been thinking about going on a fast for 40 days because maybe God wants me to do that to get through it. I'm not really sure but if it is a spiritual battle then I figure just getting nearer to God will get me through it. I just wish I knew why I felt like this );

[Dani H]

What specifically are you afraid OF when you're around people?

Because believe me, the only place I'm as important as I think I am, where all eyes are on me ... is in my own head. Far and wide, people are way too stuck on themselves to really, honestly and truly pay attention to another person.

[TRAVlS]

There is kind of two parts of it. I feel less important than other people. (i guess I have let the devil get me to feel this way) I think thoughts like no one really cares what I have to say anyway... And the other scary thought is that someone will take me the wrong way and be hurt by something I do or say. I just don't want anyone else to feel the way that I feel about myself. I started reading a book today called battlefield of the mind and it talks about how people let those negative things people have said eat away at them and they start believing the lies. I used to get picked on at school which I'm sure most people have at some point or another and also had people say some pretty hurtful things to me at work but I think I have let it affect me more than I thought it did. Hopefully it doesn't sound like I'm having a pitty party. I'm just really hurting and need some help. I am trying with everything I got to replace those negative thoughts with positive ones. Some days are just harder than others and today was one of them. Sometimes I want to fight and beat this problem and other days I just want to stay in bed because I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I can't give up though because it feels worse giving up.