Ok, so I was hesitant due to my pride not wanting people if they found out my name to think any less of me, as I am starting to become well known in my denominational fellowship as a young minister out of Pennsylvania, but I need some serious venting and spiritual guidance, even aside from what my home church is giving me.
If you have the time I really believe God will bless you for responding with scriptures and encouragements to me.
Disclaimer: This may be a bit long, but I really need some encouragement: I am 20 years old, a yeare removed from high school. One thing Im struggling with is something alot of young men my age struggle with, though it may seem menial, it hurts real bad to me.
Let me tell my story. It all starts back to a big conference last year. I was asking God to speak to me about where to go next with my ministry one night. I felt like if I laid money on the altar as they were taking up a collection for pastors starting churches in unchurched cities, the Holy Spirit moved through the place and, they called for any young man who feels a call to the ministry to come to the center. I had felt like at the time through praying and elders speaking over my life that I was being called to go to Bible College (in another state). It is unaccreddited and I still need some money for it, but I felt like even though I didn't have all the money I needed to even get started I should have just gone by faith knowing God would provide (I've heard of His provision my whole life). Well things were looking great. I had also started courting a young lady from my church who sincerely loves the Lord and had become my best friend, and I fell so much in love with her I forgot about my other friends, and put Bible College on hold until we could get married. We had even talked to her mom about our desire to get engaged and I was looking for a job that paid enough. I truly loved her.
I kept feeling like though that it wasn't time for me to get married and that God wanted me to sacrifice some time for Him to work on me, like in Bible College. I didn't want to leave her behind, so I kept praying for God to let His will be done. In Fact I even told God this scary prayer: Lord, if you want me to go to Bible College, she is holding me back, you would have to fix that somehow. Well at a convention we were at I never realized I grew up learning jealous insecure and controlling behaviours, and unfortunately due to someone trying to cause trouble, her and I had gotten in a fight, and I said something mean to her and she got really hurt, started reacting loudly, but forgave me at first. However we made quite a scene. So our pastors and pastors wife talked it over with our families and asked us to seperate ourselves for a week and half to pray and fast about God's will. I kept trying to talk to her though I wasn't supposed to and made her mad and just showed my emotional immaturites. At the end of the week and a half all of a sudden she decided she wasn't ready for a relationship right now. I respect her wishes, but she seems to be moving on with her life, and I am stuck it's been a week since then and I am just hurting so bad.
When I was with her I wasn't always the person I was supposed to be, and seemed to have fallen a little.
I do now feel that God wants me to go to Bible College, wants me to be a minister, but after how far I seem to have strayed, I can't seem to bring myself to a place where I am just immersed in the presence of God like I used to be.
I am dealing with so much heartache right now I just feel really empty inside. I had made her a huge part of my life. On top of it all, after losing my best friend (though my friends have been comforting me) who was the one I wanted to marry, I had found out a little while ago that my dad has blood cancer and it's getting worse.
And now... I really just feel like blank. I don't know how to pray, I don't know what to pray for, I don't know what God is doing, I still have a sneaky suspicion He wants to use this and me for His glory, but I am at no peace about anything right now. Any advice would be helpful. again I know this is long, but I really appreciate any guidance I can get.