Stressful situation between my biological mom and myself

[thethirdtuttle]

I would really appreciate everyone's prayers regarding a ongoing situation between my biological mom and myself that seems to be getting more tense lately. A number of years ago now, I was roommates with a guy for four years, and during that time, I entrusted him to handle my finances because I've never been very good at that sort of thing myself, and I thought he was a trustworthy person. Unfortunately, it turns out that he wasn't, and he ended up cheating me out of quite a bit of money. I became a Christian halfway through that time, which is a story for another time, but after being roomies with this guy for four years, I packed up all my things, moved to another city four hours to the south and began going to a Christian school there. Well, ever since then, my mom on a pretty regular basis asks me if I'm ever going to try to contact the guy to see if he's willing to give me back the money he stole from me. Or, as my mom puts it, the money he "owes me." I have repeatedly told her that I have forgiven him, and just want to move on and have her do the same, but she obviously has not. As evidence of that, I just got in the mail yesterday afternoon a packet of papers from her, outlining how much I made during the time I lived with this guy, compared with how much our bills were during that same time. She also included some handwritten notes about how she contacted him herself, and the reasons he gave for thinking he didn't owe me nearly as much as my mom had figured out. Knowing this guy as well as I do, the "reasons" he gave sound a lot more like excuses and lies cleverly told. At least when I knew him, he was very charming and very good at lying convincingly. The thing that I find interesting about the packet she sent was that, earlier that day, I had sent her an e-mail, asking her to please forgive herself, God, and the guy in question for what had happened, and just put that whole situation behind her once and for all, among other things. I have put it behind me and forgiven all those involved, because there are no such things as time machines where we can fix every little mistake we ever made. Besides, God wants us to live in the present and look forward to the future, not be stuck in regrets about the past. But, my mom is not a Christian, so maybe I shouldn't be expecting her to be able to truly forgive anyone. After all, the ability to forgive, just like anything else we do to please and glorify Him, is a gracious gift from God Himself. Anyways, please be praying this situation doesn't devolve into anything ugly, that I'm able to speak the truth in love to my mother and honor and respect her like I'm commanded to do in Scripture, that I'm able to establish and keep healthy boundaries between herself, me and my wife to protect our spiritual and psychological health, and that God uses this situation to draw both my mom and her husband, my step-dad, to a saving knowledge of Himself. Thank you in advance, and God bless!

Yours in Christ,

Benjamin

[Frances]

Praying re. this situation . . .

ps. Do bear in mind that it is a lot easier to forgive pain you have suffered, than to forgive the person who caused the pain suffered by someone you love . . .

[TRL1957]

You are in my prayers.

[IMINXTC]

Prayers this morning, asking the Lord to place His hand upon you and your mother. Praying the Lord will work mightily, using these circumstances to bring your Mom and Step-Father to the hearing and careful consideration of the cross of Christ and His salvation, and a wooing of the Holy Spirit, that the seeds of eternal life will sprout and bear fruit.

[Hunter121]

Praying for this whole situation and will continue to. hope all goes well.

[Crosstalk]

Praying that the Lord grants healing between you and your mother and that He gives you guidance and wisdom.

[thethirdtuttle]

Thanks everyone for praying regarding this situation. I greatly appreciate it! I'm bumping this thread up because I have a little bit of an update. Just now, I shredded all the documentation my mom had sent me regarding the money my former roommate had stolen from me. As I did so, I prayed that that would be the end of it, once and for all, and kept pleading the blood of Jesus over the situation, as well as over everyone involved. Please continue to keep this situation in your prayers, as it will probably be a little while before I hear from my mom again, since she is only able to check her email about once a month or so. God bless, and have a great day in the Lord!

Yours in Christ,

Benjamin

[steelerbabe]

Offering prayers for peace and closure as you go through.

[thethirdtuttle]

I'm bumping this thread up again because I have another update regarding the situation between my biological mom and myself. When I got up from my nap just a little bit ago, I checked my email, and lo and behold, there was one from my mom. After sorting through the rest of the emails in my inbox, I said a little prayer asking God to prepare my heart for whatever my mom happened to say, and then opened my mom's email. All she said in response to my most recent message, where I asked her to answer some questions about her relationship with my biological father and my childhood, which I had asked her in a previous message, was that getting to know someone happens through face-to-face interactions, not lengthy emails. My first thought was, "And your point is what, exactly?!" This is something I am very much aware of, as is she. She avoided, once again, answering any direct questions by changing the subject. My mom does that a lot, I've noticed, and it's very frustrating. I told her in my response that I recognized that that was what she was doing, and that I'm not going to let it slide any more. I then asked her why she does that, and if it's because there is some deep dark secret she is trying to hide from me. I then told her that I would not think any less of her, no matter what her answers to my questions happened to be. So, please be praying that my mom gets that email soon, reads it, receives it in the spirit with which it was intended, and then honestly and forthrightly answers what I asked her. And, please be praying for me, that I'm able to love her unconditionally and self-sacrificially, the way God does, no matter how she responds. I want so much for her to come to a saving knowledge of the Lord, as well as her husband, but that is not up to me.

That's about it for now. God bless, and have a great day in the Lord!

Yours in Christ,

Benjamin

[L'Ange]

It seems to me that if you didn't have anything in writing to show any agreements between you two and where money went, your mother's efforts, though well meaning, are not likely to make any difference. There is a saying among lawyers, "A verbal agreement is not worth the paper it is printed on." (If there were any kinds of written agreements, or maybe sufficient witnesses and records, then I personally think the matter should be taken to small claims court for we are told to be good stewards of our money and to know the condition of our "flocks & herds" etc.) Someone who would take your money doesn't seem, to me, to be at all likely to be affected by your mother's opinion as he has not been affected by yours. If he is callous enough to lie & steal, he is probably callous enough to not care much about what either of you think.

Neverthless YHWH knows what is best not me so I will pray for you to be given wisdom and guidance on this issue.

Just noticed that you said you shredded the records. I wonder if there are any duplicates? Oh well, again, YHWH knows what is best.

[thethirdtuttle]

It seems to me that if you didn't have anything in writing to show any agreements between you two and where money went, your mother's efforts, though well meaning, are not likely to make any difference. There is a saying among lawyers, "A verbal agreement is not worth the paper it is printed on." (If there were any kinds of written agreements, or maybe sufficient witnesses and records, then I personally think the matter should be taken to small claims court for we are told to be good stewards of our money and to know the condition of our "flocks & herds" etc.) Someone who would take your money doesn't seem, to me, to be at all likely to be affected by your mother's opinion as he has not been affected by yours. If he is callous enough to lie & steal, he is probably callous enough to not care much about what either of you think.

Neverthless YHWH knows what is best not me so I will pray for you to be given wisdom and guidance on this issue.

Just noticed that you said you shredded the records. I wonder if there are any duplicates? Oh well, again, YHWH knows what is best.

Thanks for your input, L'Ange. There were another set of the calculations that my mom did when she was figuring out the difference between what that former roommate took from me and what my share of our bills were, and she sent them to me a number of years ago. If I remember correctly, I shredded those in the meantime, as well. I just want to put that whole situation behind me and move forward into the future that the Lord has for me. And, no, there were no written agreements between myself and the former roommate as far as where my money went. Just so you know. God bless, and have a great day in the Lord.

Yours in Christ,

Benjamin

[thethirdtuttle]

I have another update regarding the situation between my mom and myself. I just today got another email from her, and instead of answering any of my new questions, or any of the old ones for that matter, she merely said that direct contact is also telephone calls, and that third degree questions via email are unacceptable to her. While I can understand where she is coming from, at least to a certain extent, I'm getting to the point where I don't know how to relate to her any more. I'm getting sick of all the dysfunction, mind games, and drama. There's a part of me that's wondering if the best way to go about honoring my mother, as I'm commanded to do in Scripture, is to cut off all contact with her, at least for the time being. I have done that once before about 8 years ago or so. I wrote my mom a long letter the week of Easter 2003, and was very blunt and honest about why I thought our relationship was dysfunctional, and that I didn't want her to contact me in any form whatsoever for a whole year. I was in a long-distance relationship with a young lady at the time who lived 2 hours south of me, and once I mailed that letter, I went and spent the Easter weekend with her so that I wouldn't be anywhere near my apartment if my mother decided to take a road trip in an effort to come find me in her anger or frustration. Maybe I'm meant to do something similar again this time. I very much love my mother, and want the very best for her. It's just getting to the point where I can't deal with all of the unpleasantness related to continuing to be in relationship with her. Maybe this is part of that whole "leaving and cleaving" process that needs to happen when a man gets married, so that he can devote all of his energies and resources towards his new family, not his family of origin. The thing is, I really would hate to cut off all contact with her, even if it was for a limited period of time, and then have my wife get pregnant with our first child. That would be my mom's first grandchild, after all, since I am an only child. Please keep praying for me and this whole situation, especially that the Lord shows me exactly what I am supposed to do, and how I'm supposed to respond to my mother's continuing drama. Also, please be praying God brings godly Christian people across my mom and step-dad's paths to lovingly and graciously present the gospel to them so that they are drawn into a saving relationship with Jesus Christ. God bless, and have a great day in the Lord!

Yours in Christ,

Benjamin