At a bit of a crossroads

[thethirdtuttle]

Note: For some proper context and background, I would suggest first reading the threads entitled "Stressful situation between my biological mother and myself" and "Please pray for my grandma" in the Prayer forum.

I think I am at a bit of a crossroads when it comes to my relationship with my biological mother. While I love her very much, want God's best for her and want to honor her the way I am commanded in Scripture, I think my continued relationship with her might be hindering me from receiving all God has for me and my wife at this point in time. After all, if I am placing a higher priority on my relationship with her than I am on my relationship with God, that is a form of idolatry, and God is neither pleased nor honored by that. I want everything God has for me, and want to live a life that is wholly committed to Him and His ways, no matter what the consequences to myself or anyone else might be. The reason I think I might be at a crossroads with my mother is because I honestly don't know how to relate to her any more. There are things about my past that I've tried asking her about via email that she refuses to answer, and while I understand that was a painful part of her life, I don't understand why she continues to refuse to answer my questions. It's like she is trying to shut me out, and that really hurts. Maybe she doesn't even realize that is what it seems like to me. The thing is, the way I see it, if she has nothing to hide and a clear conscience, why can't she just simply answer my questions? Maybe she wants to put the whole thing behind her, and me asking all these questions is just opening old wounds. I just don't know. I wish I knew what to do. I don't want to cut her completely out of my life for good, since I am her only child and any children my wife and I have will be her only grandchildren. I also don't want to have her unhealthiness and dysfunctionality dragging me down and away from God's best for my life. So, any prayers, advice, counsel or wisdom anybody has regarding this situation would be greatly appreciated. God bless, and have a great day in the Lord!

Yours in Christ,

Benjamin

[thethirdtuttle]

I just wanted to add that when my mother refuses to answer my questions about the past, that leads me to suspect that there is some deep dark secret that she is trying to keep from me. That may not necessarily be the case, but I can't help wondering if, for example, I might have been sexually abused as a young child or that I might have a sibling that I don't know about somewhere out in the world or up in heaven. It also makes me extremely frustrated and angry, like my mom thinks that I can't handle her being honest with me. I would think that, aside from her husband, I should be the one person she should be able to talk to about just about anything. But, that is simply not the case. To be honest, I have no idea what a life without my mother in it at all would look like. She has been such a big part of my life for so long, even though she now lives four hours away by car, and we only see each other a couple of times or so a year. Just some further thoughts on the subject. God bless, and have a great day in the Lord!

Yours in Christ,

Benjamin

[IMINXTC]

I think that even if there is something in your Mom's past she wishes to keep to herself, I would just leave it there and would not ask any more questions or probe into any areas that she herself does not voluntarily discuss.

I grew up being told that my biological mother was some sort of misfit because she gave me up as a one-year-old and all but ignored my existence until my mid-teens. Later I learned that her husband (not my father) had a bit of
a twist about him that caused him to be cruel to me. My mother sent me off to her sister because she was afraid he would hurt me, and she was very young at the time.

As far as your Mom's present condition, you can only do what you can, and I think that your simply being there for her is the most important thing.

[Indueseason]

Dear brother, I am sorry that you and your mom have such a dysfunctional relationship. I had a similar relationship with my mom and know how much it eats into you energy and peace. I'm not sure why your mom doesn't want to answer your questions,she might me trying to protect you or just doesn't want to talk about the past. Only she knows, but whatever the case, she seems pretty determined not to tell you. I know that this is important to you, but if she won't tell you what can you do? Maybe you should stop asking for a while and hopefully, God willing, she will open up at a later date. Maybe when children come along, the experience of new life will trigger something and help her to see how important these questions are to you.

The hardest thing I had to do with my mom, for my sake as much as hers, was to accept her. She was a messed up person,something I would be without the new life in Christ. I expected her to be someone I created in my mind, but she had lost any ability to be anything more than she was. While she made my life so difficult and we rarely saw eye to eye, she was just my messed up mom. She didn't know how to be anyone else. By accepting her limitations, I made our dysfunctional relationship a little easier. I don't think we ever really understood each other, and there were times like you when it was better for my family to keep our distance from her,but just accepting the relationship for what it was helped.

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense to you and I dont fully understand your situation. I just know what helped me. The Lord is able to give you the peace and strength to get through this, and He is able to change your moms heart. May He lead you as you desire Him to.

blessings to you

[thethirdtuttle]

Thanks for your input, IMINXTC and indueseason. You are right that I cannot make my mom tell me anything she doesn't want to talk about. And, it wouldn't be very loving of me to try. So, during my most recent telephone conversation with her, when she told me about the contact information for my maternal grandmother and where in my grandma's body the cancer was, we agreed to put my questions about the past and my mom's answers on the back burner, so to speak, at least until the health crisis with my grandmother is over. The thing is, I have a hard time believing the timing of all these things is just a coincidence. It was like I started asking my mom questions via email about the past, and then shortly after that, my grandmother goes into the hospital with stage 4 cancer in her lower back. I'm not sure how all of it fits together, and I may never know this side of heaven, but it sure doesn't seem like a coincidence to me. That's about it for now. Please keep this situation in your prayers, and feel free to share any insights or wisdom the Lord may give you regarding this particular set of circumstances. God bless, and have a great day in the Lord!

Yours in Christ,

Benjamin