Dear friends......I have been walking with Christ for about 6 years now, and as I look back at my own growth as a Christian, well, I'm not sure what to think.
It's sort of hard to articulate, but I will try.
While I find myself growing in my love for the Lord and my knowledge of Him, I have also seen myself transforming into what I see as a very ugly person. I find myself struggling with things, with sins, that I have never seemed to struggle with before, and as I get closer to Christ, my struggle just seems to increase. This I seriously do not understand, as I am supposed to be being transformed into the image of Christ -- but some of the feelings that I am having to battle with, and the thoughts that come into my head, are anything but Christlike -- and my growth in Christ just seems to exacerbate this.
I have asked the Lord for forgiveness, and I truly have the desire to repent, but I just find that my growth in the Lord seems to exacerbate these things, and I just don't understand.
I lean on Scriptures about taking every thought captive, relying on the Lord's strength, and allowing the Lord to reveal the condition of my heart to me. I have tried to rationalize this -- perhaps the Lord is trying to teach me something about the condition of my heart? Or perhaps it is an attack of the enemy?! Either way, some days, I just feel tormented by my sin. I hate it, and I just can't to gain vistory over these things.
This process of sanctification I find to be a very painful one, in that I realize that my sin is unpleasing to the Lord. It is getting to the point where I don't even know where I stand with the Lord anymore. How can I be so sinful and still be considered one of His children?! These thoughts that I am dealing with, in my estimation, are straight from the pit of hell, and I feel so evil and unworthy.
I have told the Lord that I do NOT want to have to let Him go, but I have seriously had thoughts of just giving up. I have not because whenever I think such things, I feel the Spirit of the Lord drawing me near, and I know that he does not want me to leave Him, but if I keep hurting Him and having to draw on His mercy and grace -- we are NOT supposed to continue in sin, yet it seems I cannot shake these evil thoughts and the own wicked condition of my heart. I am not sure if I'm being sanctified or if I'm stuck in a bad place.....and if I am, why should I continue to blaspheme His name by calling myself a Christian.
I am in torments all of the time. Is this REALLY what the process of sanctification is all about?! The Bibkle says that we are to put away our sin, but I just can't seem to....and I am thinking horrible thoughts toward other Christians, which is the worst.
Its so frustrating!!!