sticky mixed relationship that I need advice on

[In Dust and Ashes]

Hey! It's been a while. I don't really do message boards much anymore, but I've got a sticky situation and I need some christian advice. I don't really know who to go to for it except here.

I want to try to make this story as simple as possible without being negative in any way, so here goes:

One of my best friend's is not a Christian. At some point about 2 years ago I introduced him to my Christian friends. He was immediately attracted to one of them who was, in fact, married. They started talking behind my back (behind everyone's back) and one thing led to another...
Anyway, It has come out now that they had an affair. Her marriage was already on the rocks and now she's separated from her husband. Her family and her husband's family don't want to have anything to do with my guy friend. Understandable. But he had been good friends with a lot of them and he's still my friend.
The other night him and I were hanging out and he was nearly in tears and said, "I know that what I did was wrong, but why am I the evil one and she's not?"
I didn't know what to say to him. I want him to know that God is love and will forgive anything, but the key people in his life that he looks to as examples of Christianity are refusing to have anything to do with him and have not forgiven him. And as much as I've been trying to bridge this gap, I'm watching him pull further away from ever knowing God and my Christian friends are pretending that he doesn't exist.

So what do I do? This whole situation is wearing me thin.

[PJW]

Looks like another example of why Christians are exhorted not to fellowship with unbelievers. "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers; for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? Or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?(II Cor 6:14-15)
If you've known this man for over two years, and he is still a non-believer, and worse a breaker-upper of families, it is time to excuse yourself from a bad friendship. ...have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them. (Eph 5:11)

[Jeanne D]

I'm moving this to counseling, where it would be better suited.

Jeanne

[In Dust and Ashes]

I don't believe that. Being "yoked" with non-believers is about marriage, not friendship. And I can't expect someone to change their beliefs in 2 years or send them packing. That's not a friendship that the bible teaches. Jesus didn't say "believe in me now or get lost." I've had family members that didn't become Christians until very late in their life, but they came around because we didn't give up on them.

What he did was wrong and he knows that. But he didn't do it alone. As my mom says, "it takes two to tangle." And I'm not leaving either of them as friends.

I want to show him forgiveness. I want to show him that God still loves him even when others don't. I'm just at a loss for how to balance between two sides of a bad situation.

[janitor]

Hello In Dust and Ashes.

whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul. A wound and dishonour shall he get; and his reproach shall not be wiped away. For jealousy is the rage of a man: therefore he will not spare in the day of vengeance. He will not regard any ransom; neither will he rest content, though thou givest many gifts. Prov.6:32-35

The verse above says that adultery is a sin that people are unwilling to forgive (especially the husband of the woman) even though amends are offered.

Does your friend really have to wonder why he's the outcast and the wife (although now separated from her husband) might not be completely abandoned? If somebodys best friend slept with your wife, would you want that somebody to bridge the gap between you and the man who had sex with your wife?

[Adstars]

I don't believe that. Being "yoked" with non-believers is about marriage, not friendship. And I can't expect someone to change their beliefs in 2 years or send them packing. That's not a friendship that the bible teaches. Jesus didn't say "believe in me now or get lost." I've had family members that didn't become Christians until very late in their life, but they came around because we didn't give up on them.

What he did was wrong and he knows that. But he didn't do it alone. As my mom says, "it takes two to tangle." And I'm not leaving either of them as friends.

I want to show him forgiveness. I want to show him that God still loves him even when others don't. I'm just at a loss for how to balance between two sides of a bad situation.

If your friend is repentant then follow your conscience in dealing with him. Let him know that the others are called upon by Jesus to forgive. Let him know that the others are not in abeyance to their Redeemer Jesus. Of course tell him that it is sometimes a very hard thing for us humans to forgive and that they have been very hurt by his and her actions (as my mother also said to me "it takes two to tango") That hopefully in the future they will come to forgive him. But at the same time their lack of forgiveness is their problem with God.

Deal with all people involved in this sad situation with love as Jesus has called upon us to do. If people decide to include you to their hate list, then know that you will be facing a form of persecution for your believing of Jesus. The scriptures reveal that it is an honour to be found worthy to receive persecution for His Words sake.

What you decide to do could be the most powerful witness to the Message of the Gospel your friend will ever receive. I hope you stand firm in your faith irrespective of how others react to it.



All Praise The Ancient Of Days

[In Dust and Ashes]

What about the part of the bible that says we are responsible for confronting other believers about sin? Unforgiveness is a pretty heartbreaking sin and I don't like watching it destroy them all. It's ruining my non-believer friend's view of Christ and it's building up terrible feelings within a family that already suffers with depression, self-injury, distrust, divorce, and a few other emotional scars.

[watchinginawe]

What about the part of the bible that says we are responsible for confronting other believers about sin? Unforgiveness is a pretty heartbreaking sin and I don't like watching it destroy them all. It's ruining my non-believer friend's view of Christ and it's building up terrible feelings within a family that already suffers with depression, self-injury, distrust, divorce, and a few other emotional scars.

This is a bad situation that you admit having initiated. You don't seem to have any remorse in that but instead just offer that your friends marriage was already on the rocks anyway. Now you want everyone to have a group hug. You need to step away from this situation. You are fixing to inflict even more harm. Let people heal a bit before you go telling them how unchristian they are for not forgiving this person. Like it or not, this guy is out. He has played the wolf and as bad as it might hurt, get him gone before he damages even more relationships. He is poison. Radioactive.

Now I have said what my heart says in just reading every bit about so little about the situation. Do the people here on this forum have all the facts? No. Have you come here and offered what you have seeking advice? Yes. So you have mine based on what I can evaluate and you will have to decide now whether to offer some long defensive post or just think about it for a while.

Regardless, your situation really is "sticky", and I will pray for you that whatever the Lord would have you do, He will show it to you. Blessings.

[In Dust and Ashes]

wait wait wait... are you blaming me for them flirting? Am I supposed to create a barrier between my christian friends and my non-christian friends? Am I supposed to know in advance which friends will do bad things with others and which will not? I introduced these guys as friends in a group of mixed company. How is it my fault that they did this?

Secondly, I can't really step away from it all. I'm stuck in the middle. I'm very close to every side of the situation and every time I see any of my friends, this is between us.

Lastly, I'm not giving up on my non-christian friend. God didn't send the harlot away and when the lady CAUGHT IN ADULTERY stood trial before him, he didn't call her poison. I made a promise to him that I'd be his friend no matter what and I'm not breaking that promise.

I'm looking for some biblical truth and support here. What you're saying isn't biblical. What I know to be true is that I'm called to love these people and to build up my Christian friends in bibilical truth. I also know that unforgiveness is, in fact, a poison and the animosity building up between two families is destroying them.

[watchinginawe]

wait wait wait... are you blaming me for them flirting? Am I supposed to create a barrier between my christian friends and my non-christian friends? Am I supposed to know in advance which friends will do bad things with others and which will not? I introduced these guys as friends in a group of mixed company. How is it my fault that they did this?

I think that I am proposing that you should regret what happened. I am not placing blame, I am just making note of what you offered in the original post. You have no regret for your part in this and little regret that the marriage busted up, brushing it aside in your post by suggesting that their marriage was on the rocks anyway. To me, that sounded like you were avoiding any kind of responsibility of consequence. You wrote it and I think it sounds a bit funny the way you put it.

Secondly, I can't really step away from it all. I'm stuck in the middle. I'm very close to every side of the situation and every time I see any of my friends, this is between us.

Choose sides. This is a major deal and you are acting like it is a minor deal. Are there children involved? If so, major major deal. I don't understand how you can expect everyone to get along. You are not ministering in the situation by suggesting your Christian friends are being a bad witness to this guy. I am sorry, but that is wrong thinking.

Lastly, I'm not giving up on my non-christian friend. God didn't send the harlot away and when the lady CAUGHT IN ADULTERY stood trial before him, he didn't call her poison. I made a promise to him that I'd be his friend no matter what and I'm not breaking that promise.

I hope you support your Christian friends with the same enthusiasm. You have made unwise promises. What if he makes an advance on you? Are you still going to be friends with him? What if you had children and he made an advance on your children? Are you going to remain friends with him?

I'm looking for some biblical truth and support here. What you're saying isn't biblical. What I know to be true is that I'm called to love these people and to build up my Christian friends in bibilical truth. I also know that unforgiveness is, in fact, a poison and the animosity building up between two families is destroying them.

You cannot minister to them if you are going to insist that they be friends with this man and probably not if you insist that you must have some kind of promise bond to remain his friend. Now that is my opinion based on very limited facts, but like I offered before, you came here asking for advice. I am way over the top emotional here for some reason, but I think it is because of the sterileness of your version of what has transpired. Your thinking doesn't seem right on the issue and you are way over the top defensive.

We don't know each other, so read and respond and I'll let it sit. I hope things work out better than how they seem portrayed in my mind.

[NHL Fever]

If your friend is sorry for what has done, you could ask him to delivery an apology to the families he caused much pain to. This could be done by letter if they don't want to see him. If he is truly sorry, I would expect Christians to forgive. Actually I would expect it from them even if he's not sorry.

However that's different than the issue of contact. If this couple has a bad marriage to begin with, everything should be done not to jeopardize that. I completely agree that not being involved with your friend is appropriate, because their marriage is much more important that whatever friendship they had or have with your friend. That doesn't have to last forever, but when marriages are fragile they need protection for some time, even if that insults some friends. Regarding the family, its not surprising that, given that the family wants to support their kids, they are not going to have contact with this guy. If the couple knows that the parents are open to your friend, they would likely not feel supported by them. No sensible parent is going to do anything to risk that trust in such a vulnerable situation.

I think from your perspective, because you have no family relationship to these families, its ok for you to still be friends with this guy. Don't be surprised though if your friends don't want to have as much to do with you. It's important that you make them understand that you are on their side, and in no way supporting your friends actions. If they know that, and they know that your friend is also remorseful, that is good.

Is your friend (the male from the couple) considering divorce? Is he able to live with what happened?

Like it or not, this guy is out. He has played the wolf and as bad as it might hurt, get him gone before he damages even more relationships. He is poison. Radioactive.

Watching I'm wondering where this is coming from. That is a natural human reaction but arguably Christians are supposed to go beyond offense to the pride and be willing to see people as children of God, not poison. I understand the need to distance to protect this marriage, ie this guy shouldn't be in the picture for awhile, but the way you say this makes we wonder if there is not a very personal side to this story for you.....?

[In Dust and Ashes]

I think that I am proposing that you should regret what happened. I am not placing blame, I am just making note of what you offered in the original post. You have no regret for your part in this and little regret that the marriage busted up, brushing it aside in your post by suggesting that their marriage was on the rocks anyway. To me, that sounded like you were avoiding any kind of responsibility of consequence. You wrote it and I think it sounds a bit funny the way you put it.

Are you kidding me? Of course I regret what happened! I hate what happened! I am a firm believer in not getting divorced and it kills me that this is going on. I still have hope that they can keep the marriage together, but neither of them are even trying for that anymore.
You read the wrong emotions into what I said.

Choose sides.

I'm trying to choose God's side. Not any person's.

This is a major deal and you are acting like it is a minor deal. Are there children involved? If so, major major deal. I don't understand how you can expect everyone to get along. You are not ministering in the situation by suggesting your Christian friends are being a bad witness to this guy. I am sorry, but that is wrong thinking.

If I thought this was a minor deal, I wouldn't have bothered to ask for help. And I'm not expecting everyone to "get along" or be friends with each other, but holding hostility in your heart eats you out from the inside. This is more than just how my non-christian friend is treated by them. This is about their own benefit. The bible says that if you don't forgive others, God wont forgive you. That's a major thing. Not to mention the fact that people who don't forgive will burn up inside. This is what I'm witnessing right now. It's what I've been trying to tell you. The family is constantly fighting with each other. Even my brother pointed out to me that their unforgiveness is building up as anger and guilt towards each other and they are destroying their own family in ways that I can't even describe. I'm friends with both families of the wife and husband and those two families are intertwined in more ways than one. And they're both ripping apart right now because of how everyone is viewing each other--laying blame, feeling guilty, ridiculing each other... the wife is celebrating a little success that she's not still cutting herself out of self loathing.

These people mean the world to me. They are all my best friends and I don't like sitting by and watching them sink like this.
I've always been taught through biblical truths that Forgiveness brings healing. It's not going to make everything magically perfect, but it's where the healing begins. And these people need healing!

You have made unwise promises. What if he makes an advance on you? Are you still going to be friends with him? What if you had children and he made an advance on your children? Are you going to remain friends with him?

I don't regret my promise to him. Being a friend means loving him and caring for him and helping him however I can. Sometimes that means making decisions that's better for both of us--like putting distance between us if he were ever to make a move on me, which he never would. Honestly, I've had "christian" friends with less integrity than he does.

You cannot minister to them if you are going to insist that they be friends with this man and probably not if you insist that you must have some kind of promise bond to remain his friend. Now that is my opinion based on very limited facts, but like I offered before, you came here asking for advice. I am way over the top emotional here for some reason, but I think it is because of the sterileness of your version of what has transpired. Your thinking doesn't seem right on the issue and you are way over the top defensive.

I'm probably defensive because you think that I'm "sterile" about an issue that involves pretty much everyone I know. What do you think I should act like right now? Should my typing be interrupted with tears?
This event came out of the closet in May. Since then, I've cried myself to sleep several times; Cried in church (which is something I never do because I hate crying in public), prayed earnestly over the situation and the people involved, thought about breaking my friend's nose (more than once), wracked my brain for what to do, and gone to my two most trusted people for help (they've told me what they think of the situation, but they don't really know what I should do). I don't want to become a gossip and I still have to keep this a secret from certain people (which is killing me because I hate secrets). I'm trying to approach this now from a logical an biblical stand point instead of an emotional one.

All I know is that everyone is hurting and there is nowhere in the bible where that is supposed to be the status quo. On top of that, I really do fear for the well being of some of these people and for the salvation of my non-christian friend. The bible teaches forgiveness of all sins, no matter how personal they are or how badly you are wronged. And the bible teaches that if one believer is in sin and another believer sees this, it is their responsibility to confront them about it. That's how the body of Christ works. And the bible even gives very specific instruction on how to confront them. But I need advice on how to tailor it to this situation. The more I pray about it, the more I see the families suffer and the more I get hints from people (and most recently a church service) that someone needs to confront them about not forgiving each other.

I also know from the bible that I can't really confront my non-christian friend about his sins yet because he doesn't adhere to God's morals, he's not covered by the covenant yet and it's not my responsibility to hold him accountable to any of God's teachings. He needs to know salvation first. The Apostle Paul taught that. So as much as I'd love to punch him in the face (literally) and tell him that what he did was horribly wrong, it's not going to help. That doesn't excuse what he did. And like I said earlier, he already knows that what he did was wrong (even by the American cultures standards). So drilling that isn't going to go anywhere.

[In Dust and Ashes]

If this couple has a bad marriage to begin with, everything should be done not to jeopardize that. I completely agree that not being involved with your friend is appropriate, because their marriage is much more important that whatever friendship they had or have with your friend. That doesn't have to last forever, but when marriages are fragile they need protection for some time, even if that insults some friends. Regarding the family, its not surprising that, given that the family wants to support their kids, they are not going to have contact with this guy. If the couple knows that the parents are open to your friend, they would likely not feel supported by them. No sensible parent is going to do anything to risk that trust in such a vulnerable situation.

I actually agree with that. I don't think that the wife should have any continuing contact with my friend. If I was a closer friend to her, I'd beg her not to. But she hasn't confided in me, so I don't feel comfortable approaching her about that.

Don't be surprised though if your friends don't want to have as much to do with you.

They know I"m still friends with him and they're ok with that (well, at least two of them are ok with that and the rest don't bring it up). They love me as much as I love them and I would be a little surprised if they held it against me. I may not have any legal or blood ties to them, but we count each other as family. Heck, we have Thanksgiving together every year.

Is your friend (the male from the couple) considering divorce? Is he able to live with what happened?

Honestly, I am not as close to him as I am to his brother, so I have not spoken to him about it. Almost a year ago, the wife filed for separation. He tried for a while to get her to stay and then kind'a... let it slide. I just heard tonight that the wife is going to be filing for divorce soon. I don't think he's going to put up much of a fight. I think this is the second time in about 4 years that the wife has threatened divorce. But this is the furthest that she has taken it. On the upside, the past month has been the most cordial that they've been to each other in a year.

[NHL Fever]

Honestly, I am not as close to him as I am to his brother, so I have not spoken to him about it. Almost a year ago, the wife filed for separation. He tried for a while to get her to stay and then kind'a... let it slide. I just heard tonight that the wife is going to be filing for divorce soon. I don't think he's going to put up much of a fight. I think this is the second time in about 4 years that the wife has threatened divorce. But this is the furthest that she has taken it. On the upside, the past month has been the most cordial that they've been to each other in a year.

What is the reasons she is filing for divorce?

[In Dust and Ashes]

What is the reasons she is filing for divorce?

I didn't ask her. Like I said, they've had a rough marriage. I'm sure her list is long. Is it really important to know why?