my sister, soldoutforGod, has been on this forum for quite a while...through her being on here i have grown to "know" some of you and i know a bit of the fun that you all have on here, discussing Biblical things, being friends, and praying.
This post is purely selfish, just so you are aware...
I grew up in a home where we went to church every week. I was homeschooled and now i am regretting that choice becasue college has become very hard for me.
you see, my problem is laziness and procrastiantion...these may not seem like a big deal to you, but in my mind i have thrown them completely out of propotion.
i sit al day in the library or in my doorm and never get anythign done becasue i am always thinking about me.
instead of making small changes i am becomign complacent where i am at.
i will be going home at the end of this semester, which is next week....would you please pray that i wouldn't fail the finals as right now that is looking how things will turn out.
you see, i know what is right and i can't do it. I am living out Romans 7 and instead of striving to tun from sin, i keep going deeper in it. There is nothing that is wrong with me (except my sin) yet i am constantly looking for psycological reasons for the issues that I have created for myself.
God is good. All the time. He has given me so much in my life and so many good things and I am wasting all of that. instead I can only complain about what is wrong with my life, what is bad in my life, i complain that my mom has caused these problems which has created many issues there. i have spent the last 4 weeks hardly doing anything becasuse i have been so dis-content with what i have and what I am doing.
the more i talk about my problems, it seems as if it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
and then, i cam constantly torn...i want what i want, but i know that i need to want what God wants.
and if those things are matched up, then i will be in a much better place
at the same time, i am always feeling bad for myself becasue I don't like ot learn, but i want to LOVE to learn. I want to learn to know and love and glorify christ in everythign and to realize that HE is all that I need....
not a perfect life, not to be extra smart, not to be happy.
I say that I want Christ and I want to serve him, but my laziness has become a part of me. Here I am on this beautiful college campus, with so many ministry opportunities and i didn't take advantage of any of them.
I have made no close connections or relationships because of the friend that I am to people. it is not right, just becasue I have had these patterns my entire life, to say that I will always have them
I say that I want to work, but really my flesh wants to be a bum. I KNOW THAT'S NOT THE LIFE THAT GOD HAS FOR ME!!!!!!!
I know that I want to seek him and know him and to do hard things for him, but nothing that I am doing now is even hard!
There are so many things that are wrong with the way that I am acting and there are so many ways that I need to change but don't.
I am now so confused, that I don't even know where to start or begin.
I am saddened to think that I am not choosing what God's best is for me. I want to be motivated by what he did for me on the cross and to know that becasue of that I want to glorify him in everything and to do things not becasue i have to to earn salvation, but becasue I love him.
i know that we re not under the law anymore but under grace and because of that grace we are not to go on sinning but knowing that Christ has set us free from self-comdemnation and that we are to live to glorify him in everything.
see! i know all these things and then i choose to go agianst what i know to be true!
And now, all i can think about is myself. i have few feelings or emotions for those around me and impacting their lives. for what they need from me and what I should be doing to show them the mind and the heart of Christ.
HE is my only hope and my only source of deliverance. PLEASE pray that I will have the motivation, self-control and the will power to do what I am called to do.
I am going to IHOP in Kansas City in a couple weeks and I really want God to move in me there and show me, in a bigger sense what I should do in my life.
God is so good and so gracious, to me a sinner. If you are reading this, i hope that you are repulsed by my sin, but that you would pray for me.
if you are reading this and you think that God dosn't love you, you're DEAD WRONG.
HE loves you to pieces, beautiful one. he won't ever let you go, and he will be there when you turn around.
he is the beginning and the end and NOTHING else in this life will satisfy you. not food, not drugs, not being lazy, not wealth, not beauty or clothes or success.
serving and pleasing GOD is where we will find JOY in him.
if you are SEEKING GOD with everything that you are. then he's gonna be enough.
if you are living in sin, please know that you are not the only one.
know that CHRIST loves you even throught that but that he dosn't want you to stay in that.
he has already won and resuced you from that sin. so don't keep doing it becasue you are saved, but come to him turn and repent and he will be faithful to deliver you.
HE won't tempt you beyond what you can bear and he is FAITHFUL.
ever faithful in all that he does.
EVEN IF YOU FEEL INADEQUATE, LIKE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AND YOU DON'T MEASURE UP, he will use you.
that is where i struggle, letting him use me.
if you're gonna say that you want GOD to use you then you better be willing for that to happen.
he doesn't want us on the fence, like me, he dosn't want a half-hearted commitment. he wants you to go all out and to love others with the love that he has shown you.
and GRACE, friend, Christ has given us GRACE and grace abundantly, so you also, be as Christ and show grace to those around you.
read the Bible and seek God. for real. these are two things that will let you know what CHRIST is trying to tell you and what he wants for you in your life. the BIBLE is the powerful, AWE inspiring book of GOD and it is CONVICTING to the sinner yet, it is COMFORTING to the repentant.
read it and be blessed but DON'T just be a hearer of the WORD,
let me tell you, this will get you nowhere, but be a DOER. DO WHAT IT SAYS. knowing that change will not happen overnight, it will be a gradual process, and slowly he will be re-making you into who he wants you to be.
and who he wants you to be, BELOVED, is NOT someone else. he's not gonna make you to be someone else. he's going to make you to be YOU in him. you in Christ. and being found in Him, you will be blessed.
know that, whatever you are going through, that trial and that pain, that GOD is doing it to teach you and to grow you, to reveal more of himself to you.
SO DON'T FREAKIN GIVE UP.
believe me you don't want to do that. at all.
KEEP on KEEPING on knowing that the testing of your faith produces perserverence, and perserverance, hope and hope character. know that in that in that trial that there is ONE who knows and there is ONE who understands and has been tried and tempted in every way and in every emotion that you are now.
and BELOVED, CHRIST is reaching out his hand, you see, it is only by him that we can even move, or breathe and so it is only by him that you will be able to do anything.
when the HOLY SPIRIT is convicting you of something, DON'T TURN AWAY FROM THAT. don't rationalize that or justify it, but PRAISE GOD, knowing that you have recieved the HOLY SPIRIT and then repent and turn.
and tomorrow, when you mess it up again, REPENT and turn.
when you have thoughts that are neither of GOD or from him, turn away those thoughts and make your mind to be as that of CHRIST JESUS. meditate on what he has for you and what he wants for you.
and then LIVE for him. worship is not in the way that we raise our hands but it is in the way that we live our lives.
even the demons know GOD and shudder. don't just know HIM, KNOW HIM.
O God won't you change me, won't you change my selfish heart! won't you give me a will to live for you and becasue of you and not be jealous and envious and complacent and dis-heartened. please help me to change and to seek your face.
YOU ARE ALMIGHTY. please GOD make me want to WANT YOU.