Relapse

[MercyChild]

I understand that God has created me, but God has not created the addict within me, I did. So, what I am trying to change is the behaviour so that I can be what God intended me to be. I don’t think God is pleased with who I am right now, I know I am not.

If I want to move on, I need to deal with the things of the past, because it is not always the addiction as such, but the reasons that drive me to drugs. I am not made to just stand up and walk away, so I need to learn to eliminate these things. You see one cannot change what you are not willing to confront. I have done this in the before, so this time I need to deal with past things. Let’s take unforgiveness for instance. I need to know exactly what it is I am struggling to let go of, before I can do so and change the way how I perceive myself.

Currently I am running around doing all kinds of things to try and improve my behaviour. I am however learning from trial and error. I need to create stability in myself first before I can be in relationship with anyone else. This includes friends. I am not using them as support at this stage, I have drained them enough as it is and that was unfair of me. I have created this problem of addiction; I have to sort it out. This is no one else’s responsibility.

One good thing that came from all of this, thus far is that I have learned that I cannot always be perfect and must leave room for failure. By this I don’t mean relapse, but by finding things that might work to keep me sober. Some days like today, I am not even certain that what I am doing is the right thing, but I cannot ever give up looking for better ways. I will rather die trying, then die because I gave up.

Can you see that I just cannot keep on running from things? I am fighting to have my spot in the sun. If I have so much worth in God’s eyes, then I must fight for it.

Days like today, I do find myself discouraged, but I cannot afford to complain and feel bitter. I can only acknowledge them and keep on keeping on in my search for the truth. I will always be rejected unless I can change whom I have created within me. Does it make sense?

[groovemongrel]

I have had a bad and hard full blown relapse on hard core drugs last year. I have been in rehab for 5 weeks and returned back to work and normal society.

During my stay in rehab I have worked with the program and dealt with issues and physical problems. The problem I am facing now, is self-forgiveness for what I have done and caused. I knew of better, had all the knowledge and answers, but knowledge is only powerfull when it is applied.

The question is, how many times would I be allowed to start over, or start fresh? I thougth that I could still have alcohol, you know, a glass of wine every here and there, but I am almost certain that alcohol was the door to falling back to old trends. So, I have decided that I have an alcohol problem also and will not consume anything from now.

Craving is part of sobriety, but I was hoping that some would help me to share how they deal with suffering cravings. While in rehab my cravings were kind of under control, but since I am out, it appears that cravings is much worse and difficult to deal with. Drug dreams are one of the things that sets me off the most.

You know that you can't ever have any alcohol ever again. Come to terms with that. We are not like those who can moderate it.

[Dani H]

I understand that God has created me, but God has not created the addict within me, I did.

Okay, so let's say for argument's sake that you're right and you somehow "created" another ... persona ... within yourself through certain behavior that represents all of those addiction behaviors which that other part of you that seeks to please God, feels powerless against. If this addict persona exists, then truth is, she is a threat and is stronger than you because she continues to trip you up and has done so for years (not necessarily agreeing with you, just following your line of thinking to its logical conclusion).

If this "addict persona" is in fact part of you, and you belong to God ... well, the truth of it still is that all parts of you belong to God.

Have you let your "inner addict" (for lack of a better term) out of her cage that you've been holding her hostage in, and given her to God along with the rest of yourself? (There is only one answer to that question: Yes or no)

If you haven't ... why, for crying out loud, are you holding her back and isolating her as if Jesus has no right to her?

I don’t think God is pleased with who I am right now, I know I am not.

Here is where I'm going to be very frank with you and tell you to stop projecting your own feelings on God. Keep them separate. God has His own feelings and His own opinion and He can speak for Himself, thank you very much. Have you actually asked Him how He feels? Or are you assuming that you know, based on your own feelings?

If I want to move on, I need to deal with the things of the past, because it is not always the addiction as such, but the reasons that drive me to drugs.

No argument here.

You see one cannot change what you are not willing to confront.

Yep, and at the same time, God cannot transform, deliver and heal that which He is not permitted access to (see above). We often hinder God more than we realize and then gripe about Him not doing what we expect Him to do. When it's been us all along standing in our own way, and in God's way. Because Jesus isn't going to die again, and He has already done everything necessary for our complete deliverance.

That is why we must realize that our old self died with Him, let the dead be gone, receive God's new life, and live the life of a resurrected person that has been united with the Lord and is one spirit with Him. We must recognize truth the Bible speaks of, and submit our beliefs to that truth so that it can transform us the way it's meant to.

Currently I am running around doing all kinds of things to try and improve my behaviour.

Then stop running. Sit your butt down, get with God and do first things first.

I am however learning from trial and error.

Yep, that's how we all learn.

I need to create stability in myself first before I can be in relationship with anyone else.

You need to correctly relate to yourself, and all parts of you, before you can correctly relate to others. Give your whole self to Jesus. He died for every last part of you, including the ones that are shut and hidden away that you'd rather not think about, or talk about. He already knows they're there, what they are, why they're there, and He has the right to any and all of them. See Him there on that cross? Give Him what He died for and stop holding back.

One good thing that came from all of this, thus far is that I have learned that I cannot always be perfect and must leave room for failure.

Again, welcome to being human. This is true for any and all of us, and in this, you're in good company.

If I had to venture another guess, I'd say you're very good at punishing yourself for your own imperfections and that it stems from someplace back when some person came down way too hard on you than they should have for you not being perfect. What often happens when people we seek to please, disapprove of us, we internalize their expectations and their disapproval and spend years and years to finally change the way that made us feel, by finally gaining their approval so that our feelings about ourselves can change.

Which is complete hokum if you think about it logically, but it's nonetheless what we do. Because we're human beings created for relationships, and it's those relationships that help form us into who we grow up to be. Relationships are the single-most powerful thing in our lives, beginning with our parents (or primary caregivers after we're born ... and those roots go deepest and are strongest) and family and teachers and friends and etc. We're all products of our relationships. It can't be helped. Sin only happens in relationships. Between us and God, and between us and other people.

I can't sin against a chair. I can only sin against a person. Know what I mean?

So really, who cares? Whoever that disapproving person was, are they God? Or simply another human being called by God to lay down their own standards and live according to HIS?

Whose expectations are you still trying to meet? Let that go and move on, because GOD'S expectations are the only ones that matter now (since you belong to Him and the rules have changed .. see above).

Can you see that I just cannot keep on running from things?

I can see that. Can you?

It's not the "things" we ultimately run from. We're actually very good at running from God, lest He confront us with things we'd rather not concern ourselves with. Your only solution is to run TO God. Sit before Him and don't get up again until you quit squirming and you're actually ready to fully give it all to Him.

Days like today, I do find myself discouraged, but I cannot afford to complain and feel bitter.

Days like today were created by God and we are told to give thanks FOR ALL THINGS (including the things we don't like or outright hate, because God deserves our thanks, regardless)

Bottom line: You're not several people or parts of people running around. You are a whole, complete person. Jesus died for that whole, complete person. All of you, your whole being. He loves that whole, complete being, not just parts of you. God doesn't divide us, and we should never divide ourselves. He sees us when we're broken and dirty and messy and stupid and weak. When we think we have nothing to give Him and wonder why He would want us to begin with, because we're so tainted and broken.

What is man that He is mindful of us? In all our pitiful squallor, full of death and decay and stinking to the high heavens?

Well ... we are His creation that He longs to clean up and infuse with His very own life and return us to the state we were in before everything went south. When there was nothing between Adam and Eve and God. Except friendship, companionship, fellowship, love, honesty, openness and unconditional acceptance.

That's what Jesus came to give you. But for that to become reality in all places of our lives, we have to give the stinky messes to Him instead of trying to clean them up with whatever stinky rags we have. Dirt can't clean up dirt, eh? It just makes it dirtier.

[MercyChild]

You know that you can't ever have any alcohol ever again. Come to terms with that. We are not like those who can moderate it.

I have accepted that. I have not had alcohol since the relapse and not planning to have any in the future anyway. I don't have any problem giving up alcohol. That is the least of my problems. I can go without it at any time and I don't need it.

[MercyChild]

Thank you for your explanation. Maybe I have not given theaddict personality to God. I fell short there, I am embarrassed by it and hatethe label addict. Maybe hate is a strong word, but this is just how I feel tocall myself an addict or an addict in recovery. I want to put it behind me, andwhen it tempts me, I want to know that I will have the strength to not falltrap to it. So, clearly I have not given it all to God.

Without communicating and a lack of a two way communicationI am left to the powerlessness of assumption. In relationship with God, theproblem lies with me, that I am not even going to argue, but with people, I amnot sure how to think. I know that God wants us to treat people properly, likeJesus would have done. So, it is not because I rely on people with everything,I just want to treat them the way I am meant to as a Christian and especially aspart of the Body of Christ. This iswhere I am failing big time. You are also right that I should not assume howGod feels, I have no right to do so, but I know what He expects of me, and I amnot pleased with the way I am conducting things. I am not pleased because I amnot living according to God’s Word, and sometimes I am not certain how to dothings. The only desire I have is to do the right things, but how do you do theright thing, if you have no idea what the right thing is?

I am not blaming God for anything. First I have no right todo so, and secondly I was the one making the bad choices. I accept that, but I desperatelywant to change things. I do pray for guidance, maybe now more than ever, but agood relationship is a two way street. Surely I have to take some kind ofaction to make better decisions, improve the way I have been living and keep onlooking for options to change. How thencan I stop searching?
I am truly sorry, I understand that I tried to get rid of myown sin, instead of trusting God with it. I did not deliberately hold thingsback from God; I just thought that I have a part to play in all of this.

Approvals, we all seek for approval, don’t we? When you havebeen rejected so many times in your life being told that you are nothing but auseless @&^%#$&% addict or person, you do feel like a failure and willseek to be accepted. Is that so wrong? If we then are part of the human race,why should we not try to seek and find where we genuinely do belong?

Concerning relationships, I know from life experience whatwill injure another person’s heart. Is it then bad to try not to hurt others?When I realise my mistakes and often the things I have done to drain, hurt orcause pain in others, is it wrong to want to change in order to not do the samething again? What people don’t get is that I will rather push them aside andprotect them from the things I am capable of doing to hurt them rather thandrain them and put them through more hardship. Never in my life did I mean toharm anyone at all! That is against my believe system. You I would take the rapfor things I have done and take ownership thereof. You see, this is why I joined the police forcemany years ago, to serve and protect, not harm and destroy! You protect thoseyou love with all costs, even if it means letting them go. If I could spareanyone the things I know about, that is what would make me happy. People don’t haveto turn out and become the wicked, demonised monster I use to be because of howothers treat each other. When I investigated dockets, I did so to the best ofmy ability, hoping to give families closure, not add to their injure. I neverplayed god, I just wanted justice to be fair.

Yes, I have been running from God in some ways. I will givea step back and seek Him more diligently. It’s just hard to understand how Godwould react in certain situation. I know how the human would react and I guessI am comparing God to the human.
I also understand that I am a complete being, but I don’t wantaddiction to be part of me any longer. I hated that lifestyle, the selfishness,the hardness against others and the cruel things you do when you are an addict.At all costs I did not want to do to others, which was done to me, but when youare a user, you become the person who have hurt you in the past and worse.

I know that I need to improve in my relationship with God aswell, but sometimes it is nice to just have someone in flesh around you to showyou what Jesus would have done and to follow the example. I don’t “hear” Godlike other people or get special messages from Him. I don’t get the thunder andlightning like some. I just read the Bible, and things don’t jump out of thepages and grab me. I just know what I know and experienced. I know God is real and all I want to do is please Him, do what He asks of me, and treat othersthey way it was meant to be.

Dirt cannot clean up dirt, I know that too, that is why Itried to separate the two parts in me. The one that wants to run to God, andthe other that wants to run to drugs. All I am trying to do is feed the good side and hopefully some day itwill be fat (strong) enough to win the battle among the two parts.

[Ta-An]

MC as I read through this thread many things come to my attention.... so if you'll allow me to just talk and not quote the different pieces from your posts.

Our emotions lie to us, and people mislead us. God's Word speaks the truth.... I know that when I am down in the dumps, and somebody comes and thumps me on the head with a Scripture verse, I sometimes wanna thump them one

You have to confront your fears with Scriptural truth.
God does heal the broken hearts and binds up our wounds

You say that you know that God has a plan and a purpose for your life.... do you know what that is?? The only way that you will know is to dig deeper into His Word.
His truths will soothe your fears, change your feelings and shape your thoughts.

The best encouragement will come from God's Word even when you weep with grief...... remember our joy is in the Lord, not in our relationships with people
Therefor: Phil 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always! Again I will say, Rejoice!

[Dani H]

Ahh Linda your post made me tear up. You love God very much, don't you? I'm sure He knows.

Maybe you think "well if I loved Him enough I wouldn't be doing this" ... "if I was mature enough I wouldn't be doing this".

The Lord understands our weaknesses and our brokenness. He knows that if you could wave a magic wand and make the drug cravings go away, you would. Wouldn't you? I know you would.

I pray that your love for God would grow even more and that this would be your weapon to achieve victory. Because love never fails. I pray that God's love would reach to the bottom of you, past the root of all this, and lift it out. For good. I speak victory and freedom over you, Linda. Not freedom from drugs ... but freedom to have that relationship with God you were born for, without anything hindering whatsoever.

We always seek freedom from. But what's the point of from if you don't have a to? You have to have somewhere to go, to leave the place you are. Right? And that somewhere has to be better than where you came from, right?

Let that "to" be your relationship with the Lord. Because that is true freedom. The Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death. That same Spirit lives in you, who raised Jesus from the dead. That Spirit of liberty, who sets us free from our bondage and pits and delivers us to unhindered fellowship with Christ without sin always in the way. I pray that you would study those Scriptures, that God would give you understanding of them and that you would choose to receive that freedom, walk in it, and never give up pursuing it. Because it is what you were born for. Freedom to. Not just from.

I thank God ... through Jesus Christ my Lord! Romans 8, sister. We NEED His resurrection power, else God wouldn't have made it available to us!

IT IS FOR FREEDOM THAT JESUS SET US FREE.

Freedom to be with Him. It is out of that place ... everything else flows. Because when we're free to be with the Lord in love, life, liberty and fellowship ... our relationships with people will change. Permanently.

[MercyChild]

Dani, there is so many things I do not know.

As a Christian (maybe a struggling one at this stage), according to the Word, I am a part of the body of Christ, or at least I should be. The only problem is that the part of the body I am right now is being the thorn in their flesh.

After relapse and rehab (and even during rehab) I did not stop going to church. I just felt that I have to go and that if there is any message that God wanted me to hear, that I should be there to hear it.
My entire congregation where I belong, (or maybe not) knows that I have relapsed. Here I cannot help to assume, but I think I am an obstacle to others. How then is it possible that a true Christian falls or chooses drugs over God? How could I have dared called myself a Christian, but had the idol of drugs in my life? So, am I a true Christian at all, or not?

In Ephesians 4:25 is says that we are called to speak the truth, that is why I weren’t ashamed at first that everyone knew I had a relapse. Is it not the truth that was suppose to set me free?
I had much support (or maybe more than I deserved) from members of our congregation and I am God truly thankful for that, but what is it which I am supposed to do now?

I know that I have been running my entire life, but thought that if I wanted to be an overcomer this time, that the best would have been was to go back to church, be bold apologise to those whom I have hurt and face and deal with the consequences. This I did, even though it was and still is a painful thing for me to do. (Can you place yourself in my shoes and feel what it feels like to see the dissapointment and dissaproval in the eyes of those who did nothing else but helped you?)Yes, I do know it is just another emotion. I cannot help it, the emotion is there and it is real, what do I then do with it, deny it? Just pretent I don't feel it? (emotions made me drug in the past, but now I am facing it, and most times it hurts)

Currently I am facing self-doubt; I can clearly see that my presence is painful to both friends and family and that they are not sure how to handle me, and I understand that 100%. I am jsut sorry that I have done that to them.

Now, as a body we are called to service, 1 Cor 12:4-11 and also to share Jesus, Rom 1:16 and should be able to worship the Lord together (Ps92:1-2)

Then lastly in 1 John 4:11 we are told to love one another.

So, this is the problem, I have created an atmosphere where none of this can be done any longer. Because of my relapse I have hurt the body and gave them authority to not trust me, how then can we worship together? I cannot even share Jesus with them any longer, because they think I am a hypocrite. Am I one? I cannot serve them, because I am nothing but a sinner. I am only a Christian for 3 years, while others have been serving God their entrie lifes.

Through my drugging I have stolen the body’s peace and taken their unity down with me. So, am I really of the body? Or was i their enemy for destroying them with me in the process. Should I stand up and walk away so that I may give them space and allow that body to function properly again?

So you see this goes way deeper than just using drugs. Was I meant to even be part of God’s body, or was I borne to be wild at heart and lost forever? Isolated on my own island just drugging, and drugging forgetting about life and throw sand on each dream I ever had? I don't know. I just know that I have to make a choice.

I know this, I don’t want to drug, I don’t want to be a junkie, but will God still be with me should I turn my back and walk away? Why I am asking is because that giving up and walking away is the same behaviour I as an addict had. So, in conclusion, what is the difference, being a “dry drunk” and have the same behaviour as an addict or just plain simply being an addict? Am I not suppose to work to change if I want to see the difference, or am I trying to do God’s job here? Do you think maybe once this thorn is taken out, that the body will heal then?

[MercyChild]

Our emotions lie to us, and people mislead us. God's Word speaks the truth.... I know that when I am down in the dumps, and somebody comes and thumps me on the head with a Scripture verse, I sometimes wanna thump them one

You have to confront your fears with Scriptural truth.
God does heal the broken hearts and binds up our wounds

You say that you know that God has a plan and a purpose for your life.... do you know what that is?? The only way that you will know is to dig deeper into His Word.
His truths will soothe your fears, change your feelings and shape your thoughts.

The best encouragement will come from God's Word even when you weep with grief...... remember our joy is in the Lord, not in our relationships with people
Therefor: Phil 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always! Again I will say, Rejoice!

I am trying to do just that. Digging deeper in the Word, but the more I digg, the more I realise just how far off the tracks I am. How do you improve otherwise then not taking action and trying to follow the rule book?

And yes, I know He has a plan and purpose, but that is exactly what I am trying to find out.

I know our relationship is in the Lord, with people there is sometimes just a lot of sorrow. We do not have any kind of super powers and can so easily hurt and dissapoint others. I know that God would not intentionally do that. Why do I say intentionally, beacuse when we pray, we ask God to not lead us into temptation, but to deliver us there of.

[MercyChild]

Ahh Linda your post made me tear up. You love God very much, don't you? I'm sure He knows.

Maybe you think "well if I loved Him enough I wouldn't be doing this" ... "if I was mature enough I wouldn't be doing this".



We always seek freedom from. But what's the point of from if you don't have a to? You have to have somewhere to go, to leave the place you are. Right? And that somewhere has to be better than where you came from, right?

Yes Dani, I am searching to be at a better place. Not only spiritually, but emotionally and physically. I have been trying to get myself into a halfway house, where I thought I would have got the profesisonal help I needed without being a burden to others, but the more interviews I had, the more I think that, that is not what I need.

I need to be accountable for my actions and thought if there is someone around for 24/7 I would not fall. But I am wrong, we can fall at any given time. On the other hand, I have been doing clean time since I came out of rehab. Does that not mean that I am doing okay and still being accountable for myself?

Do I really need a halfway house? Or what is it I need to become a better person. I know I need God, but would it be wrong to keep on looking for things and ways where I could learn to improve? Like maybe making an appointment to go see a psycologist?

You see the drugging world is very complex and even when you get out of it, there is so many things that needs to be sorted. Some days, I get a bit stuck in a rut, then I tell myself that no one will grow if you stagnate.

So, this is how I am coping right now. I wake up and ask myself what is the next right thing to do, and I do it. After I have done that, I question myself again, what is the next right thing to do in the moment, and I take action to it. So, you see I'm in a survival mode, but honestly I want more to life than just surviving. I want to live life.
I have so many chicken and egg scenarios that I don’t really know which issue is the most important. Like for instance, getting the medication which the doctors think I need, or putting food on the table. With things like this, the frustration gets unbearable, and these are the times when I get to think, but life is not worth it, and these were also many days the times, I would relapse. Now, when these thoughts come up, I pray God to help me in the moment. This is all I have; this is the only solution that seems to be working. But yet, I sometimes still question whether I am really worth being God’s child.

[Ta-An]

I am trying to do just that. Digging deeper in the Word, but the more I digg, the more I realise just how far off the tracks I am. How do you improve otherwise then not taking action and trying to follow the rule book?

Welll luckily the "Rule-book" also teaches you about God it reveals His character tot you Think back about the scripture reading you did in church on Sunday,,, what did that scripture reveal about God to you (hint the one from Psalms)

And yes, I know He has a plan and purpose, but that is exactly what I am trying to find out.

Then you have homework to do..... The only way you'll find out (and remember ) is when you find the answer by yourself it is written in the Bible, I promise you, it is there but find it by yourself

[Dani H]

So drugs are your stress response when you're put in a decision place between the frying pan and the fire, and you don't know which way to turn?

When you're in a place like that again ... and many of us are, on a consistent basis ... welcome to life ... that's why I said "when" and not "if" ... ask God for wisdom. If you don't know what choice to make, then ask for wisdom to make the right one.

Stress is difficult. We all have it. We all must deal with it. We all have to learn to make godly decisions in stressful situations. We all need God's grace and wisdom.

When I was younger, I used to binge eat and throw up. That was my stress response. For 10 years, until God saved me and helped me overcome it.

I talked to a young lady just the other day. Her stress response was to do drugs and cut herself. Until God saved her and helped her overcome it.

God delivered us both and He can deliver you too Linda. The secret is to recognize WHY we do what we do, and lemme tell you something honey, stress response is a doozie to deal with, because you cannot avoid stressful situations. You can only receive grace and wisdom to deal with them properly.

[MercyChild]

Well, I guess like Ta-An said I have a lot of homework to do, and I have a lot to learn.
For now, I am reading more on who we are in Christ, but believing that, is hard sometimes. As you mentioned Dani, I think the key problem is that I do have a low self-esteem and find it difficult to apply God's Word to what He thinks I am. There is just so many deeply rooted thoughts about oneself because of the past. (and I know you are going to tell me not to dwell in the past, but if we like it or not, the past and everything we have learned, do shape your personality)
not only that, but another issue is that I get easily led by emotions.

It is not that I don't trust God(or maybe sometimes I do, because i see Him as a male disciplinary figure at times), it is just so hard to see the opposite of what God's love is for me, as to the love i got to know in many years. I also know that in the last two years or so, He has been trying to show me a different kind of love. It is just that the human brain always has the need to analyze all things.

[Dani H]

(and I know you are going to tell me not to dwell in the past, but if we like it or not, the past and everything we have learned, do shape your personality)

The Bible does say to forget what's in the past and to press forward to what is ahead. But consider the source: Paul who in the past was a prosecuter and murderer of believers. He had to let God's forgiveness and the power of the new creation define him to be an effective apostle. Either that, or live the rest of his life in guilt. Paul had to understand what it means to be a new creation and he had to understand the power of Jesus' death and resurrection in order to let go of his past, receive God's full forgiveness and walk in that newness of life, every day, and pass it on to others by the power of the Spirit. We all have to do that. We ARE new creations. Jesus finished the job, completely, and invites us to receive His finished work so that from where God sits, we have a blank slate, we change citizenship to His Kingdom and can live life by His rules now, as His adopted children. That's not just a positional thing. It's reality. We choose to let GOD define us; not other people, not the past, not our failures and our brokenness, but God Himself. And God says "You are forgiven and I made you a new creation; now grow up in Me the way you were meant to."

Having said that, I actually firmly believe in occasionally revisiting the past, WITH GOD. Not to live there, but if God shows you a present behavior that is continuously tripping you up, then let Him lead you back to the roots, release repentance, invite God's mercy and forgiveness in, and yank that crap out. Again, WITH GOD. Let HIM lead. Otherwise you'll start rooting around in the past yourself, and it turns into a distraction and may lead to preoccupation, obsession and bondage all over again. There's a difference between visiting and living. Know what I mean?

I can't tell you how often I've prayed about something that was bothering me in the present and God would bring the past to mind to show me what I was really dealing with, and then leading me to repentance. We pick up a lot of habits in response to certain things that we then (consciously or subconsciously) integrate and live by and that God didn't put there and that have to be let go of. Because ultimately we're all the products of our relationships and the people who have influenced and taught us and trained us. As believers, we let God be that supreme influence that overrides all others because we understand that people are just people, and people can only pass on to us what they know and have been taught and have received; good, bad, indifferent or very ugly. Sinful people raise up other sinful people. Until God steps in and breaks the power of sin and grants us new life and shows us a better way.

It is not that I don't trust God(or maybe sometimes I do, because i see Him as a male disciplinary figure at times)

What problem do you have with male disciplinary figures?

And, do you consider discipline equal with punishment?

(Note: You don't have to answer these questions here if you choose not to. But do answer them between yourself and God because I think the answers will help guide you to figure out why you do what you do and about the true nature of your struggle. I came from an abusive childhood and often would project my warped image of men, and of men in authority, toward God as my Father. I had to let that go and understand that God isn't people. He's not like us. He's different. He's not tainted with sin or driven by evil intentions and His ways are not those of ignorance. He's not jaded nor divided. When He loves me, He loves me and that is His motivation for dealing with me, and nothing else. God is pure, of mind and heart and purpose. I can trust Him with my life, with my death, and everything in between. But I had to understand that in order to stop hiding parts of me from Him out of fear of what might happen based on past experiences with people.).

[Brother Mark]

Well, I guess like Ta-An said I have a lot of homework to do, and I have a lot to learn.
For now, I am reading more on who we are in Christ, but believing that, is hard sometimes. As you mentioned Dani, I think the key problem is that I do have a low self-esteem and find it difficult to apply God's Word to what He thinks I am. There is just so many deeply rooted thoughts about oneself because of the past. (and I know you are going to tell me not to dwell in the past, but if we like it or not, the past and everything we have learned, do shape your personality)
not only that, but another issue is that I get easily led by emotions.

It is not that I don't trust God(or maybe sometimes I do, because i see Him as a male disciplinary figure at times), it is just so hard to see the opposite of what God's love is for me, as to the love i got to know in many years. I also know that in the last two years or so, He has been trying to show me a different kind of love. It is just that the human brain always has the need to analyze all things.

Once, I hated God. Or at least that is what I thought. When I hated him, he loved me. But I didn't know it. Over the years, I have often prayed and given thanks to God and told him "Thank you for loving me when I hated you." A year or so ago, he corrected me. "You didn't hate me. You hated who you thought I was." He was right.

Keep asking God to reveal His heart for you, to you. He will.

Grace and mercy,

Mark