I understand that God has created me, but God has not created the addict within me, I did. So, what I am trying to change is the behaviour so that I can be what God intended me to be. I don’t think God is pleased with who I am right now, I know I am not.
If I want to move on, I need to deal with the things of the past, because it is not always the addiction as such, but the reasons that drive me to drugs. I am not made to just stand up and walk away, so I need to learn to eliminate these things. You see one cannot change what you are not willing to confront. I have done this in the before, so this time I need to deal with past things. Let’s take unforgiveness for instance. I need to know exactly what it is I am struggling to let go of, before I can do so and change the way how I perceive myself.
Currently I am running around doing all kinds of things to try and improve my behaviour. I am however learning from trial and error. I need to create stability in myself first before I can be in relationship with anyone else. This includes friends. I am not using them as support at this stage, I have drained them enough as it is and that was unfair of me. I have created this problem of addiction; I have to sort it out. This is no one else’s responsibility.
One good thing that came from all of this, thus far is that I have learned that I cannot always be perfect and must leave room for failure. By this I don’t mean relapse, but by finding things that might work to keep me sober. Some days like today, I am not even certain that what I am doing is the right thing, but I cannot ever give up looking for better ways. I will rather die trying, then die because I gave up.
Can you see that I just cannot keep on running from things? I am fighting to have my spot in the sun. If I have so much worth in God’s eyes, then I must fight for it.
Days like today, I do find myself discouraged, but I cannot afford to complain and feel bitter. I can only acknowledge them and keep on keeping on in my search for the truth. I will always be rejected unless I can change whom I have created within me. Does it make sense?