Relapse

[MercyChild]

Thank you Brian for your words of encouragement. Yes, I have been trying to deal with my cravings by myself. Everytime I crave I would run around and do everything I possibly can to not go and use. I would check that all my safety nets is in place and keep myself as busy as I can. The mistake I made with this, is that I did everything myself. I had safety nets in the past also, but that did not stop me.

I found during this week, that I was doing it all wrong! Yes safety nets are important, and I am right also to do something to occupy my mind to ride out the craving, but what I did not understand is that I was fighting this battle on my own and I alone know from past experience cannot do this by myself, even though I tried to proof to myself many a times that I am capable of doing such.

This week I have learned that all I need to do is pray when I feel out of control and quote scriptures. Before I know it, my mindset changed and instead of just riding out the craving, I spend more time then I planned in prayer and reading scriptures, which is helping also helping me grow in other areas of my life. I never understood when people said God will equip us, but I think I am learning to understand that. I might be a slow learner, always was, but I things are beginning to make a little more sense each time I overcome, not in my strenght, but HIS!

[MyRock]

I just need to keep on practising it the way I did for the past month. There were not much support, but I leaned on Christ, and if one can do this for an entire month, you can adapt and learn to do this an entire lifetime.

I wanted to highlight this because it's so true. You must continue to do this because He is the anchor that keeps you from being tipped up by the waves.
Even though you slipped up and relapsed, you are still coming back to the Lord for help, and that is a very good thing indeed!

God IS gracious!

[MercyChild]

Indeed God is gracious. Things are going a bit better every day. I have come to accept a lot of things in life, and eversince I have found a little more peace.

I will be going for a small operation on thursday. I just pray that there will be no morphine needed. I know that I must start focusing on other things rather then just trying to remain sober. I am doing okay thus far and that is what counts. The biggest fear I have is that I give in to it again. How do I deal with that fear and anger I am feeling towards myself at this stage?

[Dani H]

You do exactly what God has had you do lately: Be proactive.

Don't wait for things to come hit you over the head. Prepare for them by making godly choices. Be proactive about them. By the time something comes and hits us over the head ... we're already in defense mode and scrambling around, usually not successfully. That's what fear does to us: Always defensive, always worried, anxious and waiting for bad things to come knocking at our door that we barricade ourselves behind.

Faith, however, is proactive and has us go out the door looking for solutions and setting us free to live our lives actively and on purpose.

So just keep doing what you've been doing. The principle behind those things actually applies to most of life and the situations it throws at us.

[MercyChild]

You do exactly what God has had you do lately: Be proactive.

Don't wait for things to come hit you over the head. Prepare for them by making godly choices. Be proactive about them. By the time something comes and hits us over the head ... we're already in defense mode and scrambling around, usually not successfully. That's what fear does to us: Always defensive, always worried, anxious and waiting for bad things to come knocking at our door that we barricade ourselves behind.

Faith, however, is proactive and has us go out the door looking for solutions and setting us free to live our lives actively and on purpose.

So just keep doing what you've been doing. The principle behind those things actually applies to most of life and the situations it throws at us.

I am trying to do just that Dani. I have applied to do a deliverance weekend at the end of this month. I know that fear is not from God. Perhaps I have been searching at all the wrong places. I get what you saying, at least by taking some action I got to learn what needs to be eliminated, so everything I have been doing thus far was worth while. The strange thing I think is that I need to be delivered from my own self will power and be filled with His Spirit to take the lead instead of myself.

I am God's daughter, I should learn to rely more on Him. I have not really been doing that the last couple of months and instead I believed every lie satan has told me. I know that both fear and anger towards myself is not what God wants me to experience, unless it is godly fear. I might just learn something worthwile in the deliverance workshop. I know that God is the answer despite of all the things that happend lately. I will keep on searching until He is in the full steering position of my life.

[Dani H]

The strange thing I think is that I need to be delivered from my own self will power and be filled with His Spirit to take the lead instead of myself.

Yes, that is true for you, me and the other 99.9999999999999999999% of the world population.

Good on you for recognizing it. That's the first step.

If decisions are made from the will ... then that is what the battle is over, isn't it?

[MyRock]

I am God's daughter, I should learn to rely more on Him. I have not really been doing that the last couple of months and instead I believed every lie satan has told me.

That is something that I and pretty much all of us have an issue with at one time or another. When I spend time away from the word and from focussing on Christ, then I find I stumble more.

[MercyChild]

I have started doing the NA steps this time. I was never really interested in them as I beleived it was a man made system that is not bullet proof.

I am busy with step two at this moment, and I realised that I need a manager in my life. So, as from today I appointed God to manage my life which had become unmanagable for some time. This is the only true way I will be able to take back control. Not what I want, but what HE wants.

Last years relaspse gave me a knock in confidence and self-esteem, and I know I cannot do things the way I did before. I will have to become the passanger and allow God behind the steering wheel. Trusting that He will guide me as I know that He has our very best interest at heart.

Every day is getting a bit easier.

[MercyChild]

I am very anxious at this moment. I have been trying to look at past debts outstanding since 2007 and found that my ex husband used most of my credit cards and other cards without my authority. I spoke to an attorney, but he reckons because I were the account holder, it was my responsibility to report that. How was I to know, I was not allowed to work with any cards or cash due to my drug problem. I never even worried about debts, never mind looking at statements. All I was concerned about was drugging. Anyway I never got to see any statements. And I was overseas for 6 of these months while these cards were used without my authority!

I can currently not even make an arrangement to pay it of, and if I do sign for an arrangement I indicate that I take full responsibility for it. I don't know what to do, as I was not even aware that he maxed all my cards up until now. I see the sherrif coming to knock on my door very soon and lose everything I have again, including my car. Which means, I will have no means to get to work. To make use of public transport is to far for me to walk (12kilometers) a day and my legs wont allow me to do that distance daily.

Right now I am angry. Here I am trying to sort things and again I end up in a bigger mess! I know some of it is my consequenses, but I did not use that money. I did not know of any better. Why will one not trust your husband with your cards?

Life sucks right now. It is days like today which makes me feel very uncertain. I know I still have to hold onto God, but man I cannot help it to be scared for my own future.

Will I ever get rid of the bagadge. How can I stop dwelling in the past if I cannot sort out the mess!

[IMINXTC]

I'll be praying especially about your present needs and this financial crisis. I suspect that times like these contain the potential for great spiritual strengthening - but certainly a time of testing.

I trust you will allow these struggles to separate you from the world of using forever, in the grace of God, rather than be a hindrance to your progress.

We're rooting for you with great confidence!

[Dani H]

Your situation didn't come as a surprise to God, Linda. He knew about it then, and He knows about it now.

Unfortunately, life dictates that we not only have to contend with the consequences of our own behavior but also that of other people. Forgiveness HAS to encompass ALL those consequences, along with the action they were caused by.

Understanding all too well your predicament ... God is faithful and He is able. You CAN trust Him. When we feel insecure by what life throws at us (and a woman's greatest need, so I'm told, is our need for security) ... you can BE secure in Jesus and in your relationship with Him and that nothing can separate you from His love or take you out of God's hands. Peace be with you, sister.

[MercyChild]

I know I have to trust God, but the only little problem here is that there is a pretty good chance that everything I have will be re-possesed. Then were to? I am praying about this, I am trusting, but sometimes it is easier said then done when you stare this things square in the face.

I know I cannot manage my life, that is why last night I again made the decision to appoint God as manager over my life. That is all I can do, all other things is beyond my control, although I had a desire to fix and mend the things which I have broken. I know I cannot do it. Thats why I need God to whow me how to go to work about it or give me some kind of direction. I also know it needs to be sorted, if I want really want to be free from the past.

[IMINXTC]

What I call leaving it (all) in God's hands, no matter the potential outcome. I'll do what has been given me to do and what I am capable of doing and if the ship should go down (which it never actually does) I'll let it go down.

You're right - it's easier said than done, but the only suitable course of action for the believer. If it's wisdom and direction I need I trust that also will come in due time. Meanwhile, I let go.

Praying here!!!

[MercyChild]

What I call leaving it (all) in God's hands, no matter the potential outcome. I'll do what has been given me to do and what I am capable of doing and if the ship should go down (which it never actually does) I'll let it go down.

You're right - it's easier said than done, but the only suitable course of action for the believer. If it's wisdom and direction I need I trust that also will come in due time. Meanwhile, I let go.

Praying here!!!

Thank you I understand that. This is a big test for me right now, because my mind keeps on taking me back to how things operated in the past, and what is happening now feels like a threat. I also know better to not over analyze and over react on feelings. Feelings are just that, feelings and has nothing to do with the circumstance.

I prayed, placed on God's armour and pinning each thought down to paper to get them out of my head. It seems to help. I know that I am powerless right now, but I also know for God nothing is impossible.

Thank you for the prayers. Much appreciated.

[IMINXTC]

Praying specifically here, and watching, asking for relief from the worries and some good news to lift your spirits