You can't get away from yourself. None of us can. So make peace with yourself, with who and what you are, and learn to love yourself the way we all are commanded to.
People think loving our neighbor is difficult. When in fact, we are usually our own worst enemy, but Jesus has commanded us even so, to love ourselves and to stop being our own enemy. That is why Jesus has to be our Peace. Make peace with yourself, with who you are, with where you came from, with your choices up until this point. Where there is sin, confess. Receive God's forgiveness because He is merciful. Let go of the shame and the guilt and the regrets. Because you don't own a time machine and you cannot go back. You can only choose today, right now. Nobody can undo the past. But, we have a God powerful enough to redeem it.
You know, we often think that self-love and self-absorption are the same. They are not. Self-love allows us to see ourselves the way God does. To give ourselves the value God give us. To treat ourselves the way God treats us, the way we know Jesus would treat us if He was in the room with us. Which He is, by His Spirit.
Loving ourselves and being stuck on ourselves, are not the same thing. Okay?
1 Corinthians 13 isn't just about loving others. It's simply about love. Period. First and foremost, we are commanded to treat God that way. Because that is how He treats us. We are commanded to treat ourselves that way also. Why? Because we're actually capable of it. Jesus never tells us to do anything that He doesn't know full well we are capable of. To do otherwise, would be cruel. God is not cruel. He only tells us to do things He knows we can do. ESPECIALLY when He is there to help us. Because God never takes Himself out of the equation when it comes to His commandments. He knows His own power. Okay?
But we fail to love properly, and we come up empty. Then we go suck the life out of other people because we seek from them what we refuse to give ourselves. Things like acceptance, validation, affirmation. We're supposed to receive those from God, first of all. Then we give them to others. He is our Source, for love. We receive from Him, and give it out to others.
God accepts us for who and what we are. No more, and no less. Jesus died for us, for the whole person we are. The good, the bad and the very ugly. That is what He wants.
We can't give what we don't have, Linda. If your will is what you truly have that is yours ... then give it to God. If the messes you've made, is what you have ... then you give those to God. And, everything in between. All of you. Period.
Everything else is illusion and make-believe.
And then ... maybe go from surviving ... to actually living?
Also, don't let your past decisions control your present life. If you made a decision in the past to choose drugs for self-destructive, control reasons ... now that you know Jesus and are a different person ... repent for those past ignorant, childish decisions and make new ones based on what you now know better. It's not rocket science.