NEED ADVICE ABOUT TEEN SON

[Beckrl]

I have a teen son of 14 years and I think he is having a diffcult time which depression and anger. Today I was off work and thought I would clear up his room a bit. When I started I noticed that he had left his computer up and running. As a Dad I thought to look around a bit on his computer. What I found disturbed me.

He had a number of note files that had allot of cussing (Profanity) at about everything and everyone inclusing his Mother and I. In the letters it was surrounded by hatred and anger which I beleive to be coming from depression.

About a 6-9 months ago he ran away from his Mother at Walmart. She having to call for the police to come to help fine him. We when through the formalities of asking him why. Which he never could give us a answer. Later on some months after his Mom had mentioned that he ran away he told her he didn't remember every doing that.

In these notes he said he wished he was dead and that he felt like we were lieing to him that he wasn't our child, but felt like and oprah. The thing is that in school which he said he hated and all the people, he is on the A-B honor roll.

There's alot more involved here, but I'm not sure which direction to begin. Any thoughts and advice is appreciated.

[Nyoka]

I sympathise with you as having raised three teenage children I know how hard those years are for both parent and child. If this was my child I would first get my doctor to check him over to make sure there is not a medical reason for his behaviour. He obviously needs help that you can't give him but you can get him the help he needs. You doctor can be a big help here. I would first see the doctor on your own and explain the situation to your doctor and then I would take your son along after that. By seeing your doctor alone first you are giving your doctor all the information he/she needs to make a diagnosis. But getting him to a doctor is the first step to helping him. Once any medical conditions have been ruled out, or sorted out, then you can move on to see if your son needs more help.

Hope this helps.

[Beckrl]

Thanks Nyoka,

I have two children the oldest is my daughter of 21 she has in the past year and half moved out and married. This maybe a percent of his troubles being now the only child at home. As to your advice I think that might be good, but first would you think that I need to confront him about these notes and his hatred of us? He's not a teen that we had to disciplinary allot, so I'm not sure that his anger comes from that---I don't know.

I would add that he plays on the xbox360 games like halo, war of metal--- also he visits a site on line about reptilian humanoids and allot of his notes was formed in the this manner.

Once he came into the living room with a tinfoil on his head saying that it blocked waves from his brain and stop mind control that is associated with conspiracy theories. Is he just be a child? That's what I though of that day, but of late I'm wondering.

[Reynolds357]

Thanks Nyoka,

I have two children the oldest is my daughter of 21 she has in the past year and half moved out and married. This maybe a percent of his troubles being now the only child at home. As to your advice I think that might be good, but first would you think that I need to confront him about these notes and his hatred of us? He's not a teen that we had to disciplinary allot, so I'm not sure that his anger comes from that---I don't know.

I would add that he plays on the xbox360 games like halo, war of metal--- also he visits a site on line about reptilian humanoids and allot of his notes was formed in the this manner.

Once he came into the living room with a tinfoil on his head saying that it blocked waves from his brain and stop mind control that is associated with conspiracy theories. Is he just be a child? That's what I though of that day, but of late I'm wondering.

You might want to get him some professional help. As a police officer, I have dealt with many people over the years who put tinfoil on their windows, doors, head, etc.
They were all extremely mentally disturbed.

[Diggindeeper]

I can't be much help, I'm sure. But I have raised 4 children. I remember when I had 3 teens under my roof at the same time. But...we didn't have computers to deal with at that time.

I do know that IF WE HAD had computers, I would have known what my teens were doing on the thing and what sites they were involved in. I'm just that kind of mom. I think it a bad idea to put a computer in a kid's room and allow them to just surf anywhere they wish for as long as they wish.

I did monitor what games mine played. One biggie back then was 'Dungeons and Dragons.' You don't hear much about it now, but it was a role playing game and from what I heard, young people could get seriously involved in it and it could impact their behavior. Mine were not allowed to get that game.

I do think as his PARENT, you have the right, the authority and that you SHOULD now and then go and see what he's doing on the world wide web. My opinion is that you should tell him,
"When I was off work the other day, I thought I would clear up your room a bit. I noticed you'd had left your computer up and running. As a Dad I thought to look around a bit on your computer and what I found disturbed me.

I saw a number of note files that had allot of cussing (Profanity) at about everything and everyone including your Mother and I. The letters were filled by hatred and anger. Now, I'd like you to tell me what's going on."

And, I'd let him know that I intend to check more often. That things like that are certainly not pleasing for a Dad to see, much less his Heavenly Father!

I say all this because you are the parent. He is the child. And nowadays, we have to stomp the devil when he tries to carry off our children and take them into captivity.

I used to pray out loud, "Devil, keep your hands off my children. You touch them in any way, and you are tresspassing and I call upon my heavenly father to deal with you. I am a Christian, and covered by the blood of Christ Jesus and you have no right to my children. This is my home and it is dedicated to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and its in his name that I'm telling you to leave my children alone."

Some may consider me too old fashioned, but I tell you, that worked for me. Main thing is, you ARE the parent and he IS still a child. In your care. You are responsible.

[the rookie]

I've been in youth ministry for 20 years. A great place to start would be to sit him down and let him know that, as his dad, you love him a whole lot - and always will, no matter how he succeeds or fails going forward. You're on his team, think he's amazing, etc. In other words, the gospel of Jesus (the free acceptance of God through Christ) is the good news of unconditional acceptance and affection from God to us which stabilizes our emotions and identity if it really hits our heart. It's powerful when a dad shows the same kind of love for his son.

I mean, you've got to tell him that you know about his anger. But instead of reacting to it, turn it for his good - use it as an opportunity to apologize to your son and ask him for his forgiveness for any way that you've exasperated him. Ask him for specifics. Own it, even if it stings a little (and even if it's not really all that true. Just take a breath and own it for a season). Love and humility are huge and really disarm and unlock the heart of a bitter teen. A gentle answer turns away wrath.

Ultimately though, Reynolds is right. Your son probably needs counseling and friends that aren't going to feed his rage. It's likely that there is music and entertainment that is feeding his anger as well. Ultimately, some hard choices are going to have to be made to win him over to cutting those out of his life and getting the "toxins" out of his heart. Then, when he's able to hear it, he needs to hear the gospel and really say "yes" to the love of Jesus.

I'm praying for the little guy. He's hurting, for sure.

[Nyoka]

Thanks Nyoka,

I have two children the oldest is my daughter of 21 she has in the past year and half moved out and married. This maybe a percent of his troubles being now the only child at home. As to your advice I think that might be good, but first would you think that I need to confront him about these notes and his hatred of us? He's not a teen that we had to disciplinary allot, so I'm not sure that his anger comes from that---I don't know.

I would add that he plays on the xbox360 games like halo, war of metal--- also he visits a site on line about reptilian humanoids and allot of his notes was formed in the this manner.

Once he came into the living room with a tinfoil on his head saying that it blocked waves from his brain and stop mind control that is associated with conspiracy theories. Is he just be a child? That's what I though of that day, but of late I'm wondering.

The rookie and others have given you good advice. Right now is not the time to confronthim but to show him love even if that means you need to ask forgiveness for things that are only imagined. Right now it is more important to get him help and to keep things calm so that he will go get help also. As the rookie said let him now how much you love him and that no matter what your proud of him. I am not a doctor and can't say if this could be a sign of some illness but it needs checking out as it is not normal behaviour.

praying for you

[Beckrl]

Thanks for the advice and keep him and us in your prayers.

[Diggindeeper]

I definitely will be praying. I promise.

[Karliah]

Your daughter moving out could definitely be one of the reasons why his behaviour has changed/worsened. I know of a young boy who's older sister moved out, he become very out of sorts when this happened and it affected his behaviour.

Either way, I think your son needs all of the help and support he can get. It would definitely be worth going to a health professional about his behaviour; he may even benefit from counselling of some sort - do you have counsellors at your church or could you seek our a counsellor that he could go and see? Since he is saying things about wanting to die etc I think it's very important that he gets some help.

I'll be praying.

[turtledove]

I would find what you are sharing reason to be concerned for sure. He seems to be dwelling in an imaginary world more than the real one. It may help for you to suggest activities apart from the Internet and to join him in some healthier games. If things don't improve in that area then you may have to seek help for him and advice from those who are professionals.

Meanwhile, I can relate to the things teens go through..since not only was I one once but I had three of my own..long ago. And I am a grandmother of teens now.
Prayers for you and him,

[Beckrl]

Again much thanks for the advice and prayers. I agree that by my daughter moving out has casued an effect on him. I have sat down with him and discussed how he is feeling about these issues. And he said at one time (back in Nov.) he had got depressed and started feeling alone. I also related to him that if we as his parents done anythings to cause him to feel abandon that we didn't mean to...that we love him very much.

The computer in his room has never been connected to the internet. He has a profile with limited usage on my computer and now even more limited to the point he dosen't get on any more.

I'm keeping a more closely eye on him to see if any signs of depression comes back again if it does then I will take him to a counsellor or professional.