I had a recent situation that I'm still techniqually going through. God has given me the answer, I would just appreciate anyone's advice on how to be obedient, or possibly some testimonies. thank you for your time!
I'm a 20 year old college student. I have a friend who I've known for about 5 years now, her name is Kiana. We always had an attraction to eachother, but never went out. 2 years ago she admitted that she liked me, but we still didn't end up together. Then she moved away. For 2 years we had nearly NO contact at all, and then right before Christmas break she moves back and contacts me. She had just gotten out of a relationship with a guy she had been with for a year and a half. I was excited to have her back in my life, I had missed her alot. We met and had lunch to catch up, and I realized we still "clicked". So, after a week of texting eachother, I asked her out on a date....and she accepted!
In hindsight I don't know why I did this, but prior to the date I started looking at dating advice sites, tips, and trying to change my persona to attract her more. After days of practicing and studying the date finally arrived.
The first date went very well. We had a really good time. A few days later, I called her and asked her out a second time, she accepted again. I had planned the date a week in advance and during that week I made a HUGE error of over communicating with her (texting her way too much). She eventually started ignoring my texts, but the day before the date she answers and the date is still on. The second date goes very well. We even had a point where we were talking, and she just starts spilling all this stuff about herself (history, dreams, goals, family, personal matters, etc.) She also said she had never been properly courted before and I was the first guy to get it right. Another thing she said is that she's old fashioned (no kissing on the first date, no sex, etc.) and likes to take things slow. After the date I contacted her a couple days later to see if she wanted to hang out again and she ignored me. I was going crazy trying to think of what I did wrong.
We both have a mutual friend, who is one of her close "girl-friends". I was hanging out with this friend and she told me the girl I was dating "just isn't that into me". Somehow I wasn't heartbroken, even though normally news like this would ruin someone's day. I also happened to know that this mutual friend also liked me, so I suspected some sabotage of some sorts. Still, I wasn't sure of what to do so I came to the conclusion that I just needed to talk to Kiana about it. I gathered everything that I wanted to say, then I met up with her to talk. I was dreading the talk, because I feared she would just tell me we should stay friends. I prayed prior to it, and asked God to have his way. I don't want to pursue something that isn't a part of His plan.
I told her about how I knew I had come on too strong, and that I know I had seemed desperate. How I didn't mean to, I was just so excited and overwhelmed that one of my best friends was back in my life, let alone one that I always had feelings for. I also let her know that on the dates I wasn't really being myself, and that I was trying to make a really good impression. I also told her about how I know she's been hurt in the past, and I wasn't trying to be like all the other guys that had been harassing her since she got out of her relationship. I said alot of other things that were more personal between us, but you get the gist.
When she replied, she told me she didn't think that i was desperate- but that the whole thing seemed rushed. She also said that it made alot of sense that I was trying to be something I wasn't, because even though she enjoyed herself, she noticed it on both the dates. She also reiterated the fact that she told me she likes to take things slow. She said it isn't a race, and that there's no need to rush. She has no intention of being in a relationship "anytime soon." She also said, "Don't try to force anything between us...you never had to in the past. Don't expect things...just let it happen."
By this time, winter break was winding to a close. Before she went back to school we went out one more time, and at the end of the night she told me she was alot more comfortable with the way I was being now that I wasn't trying so hard. That was on a Friday, and the topic stayed on my mind until Sunday, because I still hadn't had the whole thing figured out. Nothing seemed certain, and I began asking, "Why Lord? Why bring her back into my life at all if I was just going to mess everything up?"
During church, I geuss one of the ladies could see that I was stressed over something. She came and without asking started praying over me, then told me, "Whatever you're going through, you can find an answer. Listen closely, God is speaking to you." I listened for a moment, and tuned out the rest of the world and asked for God to give my heart rest on the matter. If it wasn't going to work out, I asked him to just tell me now so I could start getting over her. I just couldn't figure out what it was about her, but I had never felt that way about anyone ever. In fact, what I have, I can't really describe as a feeling. I just want her to be happy, even if it isn't with me. So, there I was listening, and I begged God for closure on the matter. And God said to me, "I made her for you. But you aren't ready yet. You have things in your life that I'm working out that are more important right now. Let go of desire, and expectation."
I was both thrilled and confused... I finally had an answer, but it definitely doesn't make sense. Obviously I have to walk by faith alone, because letting go of desire and expectation with her means I not only have to stop pursuing her, but I have to let her go as far as thinking of her as a romantic potential right now. Questions started flooding my mind...What if someone beats me to her since I stopped pursuing her? What if she loses interest? What if.....What if....What if..... Then I started to question why God was making me let go of something that mattered so much, so I prayed for about an hour one night, and asked for him to give me a sign, or something. He put "Colossians 3:9-10" in my mind. I scrambled to find the page in the good book, and it reads, "Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; and have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of Him that created him." After analyzing the text, I understood: during the years that she had been absent in my life, I had fallen into alot of sin, and was basically in a rut. I have to focus on school, work, and practicing my Christian walk more in life. So that I can be "renewed" and possibly make a better partner for her.
That was 2 weeks ago. I have still been having trouble letting go of desire and expectation. Especially expectation, because God basically told me it would work out as long as I stay obedient.
Any advice? Thoughts on the situation? Testimonies? I would really appreciate the help, and thank you for sitting through my long story!