Okay so I am no longer posting in the relapse thread.Why? Because our words has power to it. I am no longer going to speak death or relapseover myself, but last night I chose to cross over to recovery with God's help.
Today is day 3 of my addiction recovery. Day one of sitting back and allowingGod to steer my life. I know that it is not going to be that easy, but my willdoes not belong somewhere else other to Gods will as from last night.
I have done well before and I will do well in again. Howdid I do this in the past? That is exactly it, I did not do it, but God did.
Last night I surrendered to God, it was clear that I wasdoing things in my own strength, trying to do Godís job for Him. I am no savior,so also is no one else. There is but one savior, but one God who sent His sonto die for me, which is Jesus, and that is enough! I had to repent and ask Hisforgiveness for all I have done, all I have thought and all I did, thinkingthat I was doing all the right things. I fell short on many things, but I amstopping to execute my will and will allow God to fill this void. If I do notallow Him to do it, something else will come along again and fill that space. Ispiritually took back what is mine and gave it to God, because it was not mineto start with. I took back my will which I gave to addiction the moment I choseto use and asked God to take that as well. I am back on my medication, I alsorealised that I lost more and more control and was busy spiraling downwards withoutthe medication. So, I might be wrong again by using it, but it doesnít matterbecause it is no longer me having to make any more choices. I will stay on it;until God decides to show me to stop, then only will I stop.
There are many ways to go from here and still I donít know the right way, Ionly know that this time I have started my journey all over again with theright step, by choosing to go back to God, warts and all. Whatever otherchoices I have to make as from today, I will pray about first and wait until Ihave a yes or no answer, if not one of them, it will mean that I will just haveto ride out the time and wait upon Him.
There is no other way I will ever be able to get this right. And at the end, itwill not be me, but God that will do the work. I am putting everything asidefor now and will pray about it, one by one and see what God wants me to do orwhat He wants me to lose.
Instead of walking away from the past, I chose to walktowards the future of eternal life.