Recovery

[MercyChild]

From jayne: Dear sister, I have accidently deleted your post and did not mean to. I thought I had quoted it in my own post. Please repost it. I am so sorry!!!!! I could feel your heartbreak. Please repost.


Then, dear sister, please let Him do it. Give Him access today to all of those empty spaces. It's a conscious thing. God bless you today.

No problem, I have no idea what I have posted anyway. I just post as it comes.

Frustrated as there in no flexibility in the program and does not leave any room to give attention to critical matters in my life. It is even harder because they don't seem to get to understand that the most important thing right now is following God and not just the program.

[MercyChild]

I think what I am trying to do is find balance between the program an sprititual growth. I also mentioned i think in the deleted post that the book of Isaiah is speaking loudly to me. I am re reading it again. Especailly the last 27 chapters, which have so many promises, guidelines and directions in it for me. I am writing more and more each day and I think I am figuring out why I had or chose to relapse. I had to many pagan gods in my life.

Maybe the reasons the post got deleted was that I were not meant to post it, maybe not meant to be read, maybe it should not have been placed, maybe a way where I have to deal with those issues again, by thinking aobut what I placed. I am still working on it and figuring things out for myself with the help of God.

I am trying each resource I possibly can, but are praying for guidance and direction. I have phoned litterally hunderd of places, but nothing seem to be working in my favor. Anything I need to do, I need to support myself or through the help of God. Nothing but this program came to work out for me thus far.

I am giving it my best with all I have. I refuse to be a failure again. I refuse to make anything else in life another god in my life. There is but ONE GOD, and I can get to Him as close as I allow Him to be part of my life. There just is no other way.

I am willing to do the program and have been doing so, but my commitment is more into doing the things which God wants me to do.

I will never be able to make this on my own. I know that and I surrendered that to God. He is my rock and my salvation, anything else is just chasing the wind.

Day 11

[ChristianCoffee]

Day 11 of eternity with His provisions.

Your always in my prayers.

In Him,

CC

Romans 8:15-17

[MercyChild]

Day 14 - It is getting tough. Emotions is rising and almost feels like they want to get out of control. I don't have any sense of belonging anywhere, but I also know that I cannot trust any emotions I feel. The thing that is very disturbing is that before I relapsed, I still beat myself over and over, because I should have known better. I should have spoken up, seek advice, pray more, but I did not do one of those and today I am struggling to shake off feelings of guilt and shame.

One thing I did realise is that when I moved on my own, this was actually the first time I was alone since after the divorce and only then and even now, do I feel the effects of being a divorcee. But again, when I ask myself why I feel so alone, the answer is, it is because of me. Everyting that went wrong was because of me. So, there is no way I can justify any mistake I have made. I knew if I was to have my first fix what the end result were going to be, but still I just gave up the fight, not surrendering anything to God and chose to use my crutch to escape these feelings by using. Ah, if I just did the right thing there and then! If I just played out the entire movie of where my using would have taken me. If I just seeked His help!

I have been trying all kinds of things to get things sorted or get into a long term program, but nothing is working out. So, I realised that these things are out of my hands. I am trying to keep on being pro-active, and all I can do is leave things in God's hands. Whatever He wants me to do, or wherever He wants me to go, or what might happen is all in His time and control. I can only do with what I have.

What I can do is each day is to look at the things I am greatful for. Today I am thankful for this day. I am thankful for my circumstances, which is teaching me growth and endurance. I am thankful for grace. I am thankful that I can only take one day at a time and don't have to think about tomorrow as I don't know if tommore may ever come. I am thankful for a place to stay, a warm bed to sleep in and a place where I can go home to, close my doors and speak to God. I am thankful when I remember the days I spend in the street just dwelling without any sense of direction, but today I have some direction as I have a job to go to. I am thankful for every breath I am allowed to take. I am thankful that even if my plans don't work out, that I may know that God has a plan for my life. Even if I cannot see what the plan entails right now, I am thankful that I can just rest in Him and just take each day as it comes.

My prayer for today, is that God would teach me what to do with these emotions, these over analyzed thoughts and help me to find some place of belonging. It feels like I am still searching for acceptance, which I feel I am not finding anywhere, because everywhere I go, I have ruined it by my addiction. But I am thankful that God accpets me without and with character defects, low self esteem, bi-polar and addiction. He sees beyond the labels. He sees His creation when He looks at me. So, come Lord Jesus, take this load I am so willing to give to You and make with it, whatever Your will is.

[MercyChild]

Day 15 - Gratitude changes our attitude. Today I am thankful for, despite of my hurtful actions against people when I used, that I still have one friend that believes in me when I cannot even believe in myself, despite of her lack of understanding recovery, it helps me to keep on searching and seeking more of Gods will, strength, help, support and friendship.

This might sound strange but I am even thankful for my addiction, because if it did not bring me to a point of desperation, I might have never had the need to come to a stage where I actually started to seek God. I am thankful that through my addiction I got the gift of being a Child of God. I am thankful for having God in my life, for when I feel alone, tired and weak with no strength to carry on; I can surrender and give all these things to Him. I am also thankful, that despite of my relapse I was given another chance to live and made it out alive. I am thankful for a God of second, third, fourth and even fifth chances. I am thankful that I can learn from this last incident I had. If it was not for that, I would have still thought that I am somehow still in control of my own life.

I am thankful for today. I am thankful that this is the day the Lord has made.

[Dani H]

Still rooting for ya!

[MercyChild]

Day 16 - I found a very important link for my relapsing on thai. The painkillers I have been using eversince I have been in the accident is an opioid. I never checked it before, as the doctor is aware of my addiction. When getting medicine from the hospital it does not contain leavlets to check details, and I just trusted that he would give a prescprition that does not contain any opioits. I ask him to do so every time I see him, but every time I got the same Synap Forte script.

All of the sudden I understand why many times I felt so powerless to stay clean, because I already had the drug in my system! Not justifying, but another bit of hope to know that I can do this!

Cleaning out the cupboards this afternoon. I feel a bit stupid for not checking my medication as I know how important it is to do so. I think I am beating myself a bit because of my lack to do so.

[ChristianCoffee]

Day 16 - I found a very important link for my relapsing on thai. The painkillers I have been using eversince I have been in the accident is an opioid. I never checked it before, as the doctor is aware of my addiction. When getting medicine from the hospital it does not contain leavlets to check details, and I just trusted that he would give a prescprition that does not contain any opioits. I ask him to do so every time I see him, but every time I got the same Synap Forte script.

All of the sudden I understand why many times I felt so powerless to stay clean, because I already had the drug in my system! Not justifying, but another bit of hope to know that I can do this!

Cleaning out the cupboards this afternoon. I feel a bit stupid for not checking my medication as I know how important it is to do so. I think I am beating myself a bit because of my lack to do so.

Do not "beat yourself": many people do not do that. To be honest, the only people who do check their meds on a regular basis are the ones who have ahd a problem with them.

Praying for strength for you today. Keep your eyes focused on what our ultimate prize is, and He will provide for you.

In Him,

CC

Romans 8:16

[BrianW]

I'm sure you've had occasion to be walking along, getting to where you want to go and all of a sudden you start to feel a pain in your foot. What do you do? You look in your shoe and find a small stone or a twig has somehow gotten inside of it. So what do you do then?

You remove the stone or twig, put your shoe back on and resume walking.

I'm sure that before you started walking you did up the laces and checked to make sure the correct shoe was on the correct foot. You may have even asked someone you trust "Do these shoes look alright?"

Do you then blame yourself when a stone somehow got into your shoe while you were walking?

Of course not!

The stone is out and you walk freely again. You are moving forward. When life hands you a stone remove it, toss it aside and keep keep on keeping on.

Forget the stone and enjoy the journey!

[MercyChild]

Day 17 - Counting but getting tough. Exhaustion is on my doorstep. Life demands seem a bit much at this time, but I am learning to live life on life's terms, accepting that things can go wrong, I am not in control of situations, but I can however do what I have to do or what is expected of me and trying to follow the Word. Someone told me that the word BIBLE = Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.

I am also on day 15 of the 90/90 program. How I possibly manage to fit in everything daily and have the sources available is not through my own doings, but God helping me to structure my daily doings, tasks and responsibilities.

I am however, struggling a bit to keep up to date with my studies and find the completion of assignments frustrating as I am still lacking a bit in confidence and not always sure what kind of results I will be getting, but I cannot afford to wait for results and just have to keep working on it.

I have also come to a conclusion that I was fighting depression wrong all these years. Yes, I do have it, and yes most of it is because of my own sinful nature, but the fact it is, I do suffer from it. I wanted to deny it by all means, but I realised that every time I did, I was using drugs as self medication to survive it, instead of ending it all, which in return only led to deeper depression.

I am learning to listen to others, take advice and actively do, not necessarily my own thing like in the past, but trying new ways, new thoughts, new things to help me find out which are healthy and which defects of my own need to go.

I cannot change by myself, but by the grace of God, all things are possible.

[Dani H]

If you get a chance, listen to the following audio messages about freedom. You can download the MP3 files on any computer or ipod or phone and just listen. Because isn't freedom what we're really about here?

Not to add to your burden because I know how busy you are, just if you choose to:

http://gatewaypeople.com/ministries/...-kairos/media1

[MercyChild]

Day 18 - dealing with my first disappointment. Got results for my very first assignment, only got 60%. Although this means that I qualify to write exams, I did not meet my standard. I made unnecessary mistakes and when I checked and compared the results I threw away 10% by making these errors, where I had the answers to it, but did not fill them for some stupid reason.

I need to learn to slow down and read carefully as the study material is in my second language (English) which appears to be a challenge for me. Time is a problem and I cannot go on the way I do, but I want to ace these subjects.

The 90/90 and outpatient program takes at least 3 hours out of each day. I know I have to put recovery first before anything else or I may anyway loose everything I have. I'm dissapointed cause it seems like I only know how to make mistakes.

Thanks Dani, I will download and listen to it.

[awestruckchild]

MC-
It is good to see you again.
I am sorry you are struggling. I wish I could help you.
You seem to be pushing yourself very hard with the studies at a time when you are struggling through your recovery. Just try to keep in mind that you can retake a class and a test in the future. Go a little easy on yourself. Try to give up for now the things that are stressing you too much. You can pick them up again later when you are stronger. Focus on what is the most important at this moment. Then, later today, focus on the thing that is most important at THAT moment. Do not worry so much about tomorrow. Tomorrows problems will come and then you focus once again tomorrow on what is most important at THAT moment. If you try to accomplish everything everyday, you will not be in a good place. Don't just take one day at a time-take every moment at a time. Give yourself some leisure to think. It can't be good for you to be in constant worry that you do not have the time to focus on recovery because of schoolwork. Do not begrudge the time you need to spend focusing on recovery. It is most important at the moment, so give yourself to it. I love you, MC. (You might not know who I am - I was paintdiva and changed my name in here a while back.) Focus on right now, even if it means dropping something of lesser immediate urgency.

[MercyChild]

Day 21 – I am slowly but surely heading for a landmark.

Awestruckchild! Good to see you around. I understand that I should not place myself under too much pressure, however life goes on, and I have been setting things aside for too long and are trying my utmost best to have a balanced life. There is a reason for me to study. 1st I am convinced that to study in that direction is a calling and secondly studying is one of the things that’s keeping me sober, changing my perspective. giving me hope for the future and also adding to a bit of confidence. I also made peace with the fact, should I fail a subject that I can always go back to rewrite the exams, but for now it is of paramount importance for me to find out what I am capable of doing.

Kairos is coming up this weekend. I will be going into prison with the prison ministry team from Thursday until Sunday. My whole mind kicked against this idea to participate, but again maybe this is my time to surrender and find peace. I am aware that this might make or break me. However this will be my chance to serve hard core criminals and give me the opportunity to see them as people without knowing what they are in for. (However, having a policing background and understanding how our system works, dealing with maximum C prisoners, I can gather what they are in for. People receiving 15 years to life in SA can only be for in for one of three things; 1 Rape, 2. Armed Robbery, 3. Murder. Woman cannot be convicted for rape in our country, and for a female being involved in armed robbery is hardly heard of, so that leaves conviction number 3)

When my Mom died, I made her a promise in my mind to find whoever killed her, but I failed at that. Now I need to go and make peace and this might be a time for me to humble myself by serving those who stole both my brother and mothers life and in its turn stole my life or most important parts of my life. I started off by working at Flying Squad emergency services doing Alfa complaints, but managed to get a transfer to the station where both my brothers and mothers dockets were held, in order to have access to these dockets. I couldn’t solve either docket, never mind even finding a lead. For many years I was beating myself up for failing them.

I have to do this weekend in order to find rest for my soul by humbling myself and acknowledge these prisoners as just another human being who possibly made a bad decision or a mistake, which they may forever regret, just as I made bad choices in life.

I have started to write my letters to these prisoners. Have to do 42 of them, but the more I am writing the more I find that God is talking louder to me at this time. I am finding more and more compassion in my hearts for them and can associate with them in so many things and I have not even met them yet. Maybe this weekend will not be for me to serve them, but for them to serve me. I am learning so much from them already.

I am nervous for this weekend. I fear a bit that, because I don’t know what to expect, or what my reactions would be, yet I know in my heart that I have to see this through.

[ChristianCoffee]

Kairos is coming up this weekend. I will be going into prison with the prison ministry team from Thursday until Sunday.

I have several friends that are involved with this ministry. They are so blessed when they go, they even claim that God works on them more then He does on the inmates.

I pray you had a truly blessed weekend, and know that I am always praying for you.

In Him,

CC

Romans 8:16