Recovery

[awestruckchild]

Day 21 – I am slowly but surely heading for a landmark.

Awestruckchild! Good to see you around. I understand that I should not place myself under too much pressure, however life goes on, and I have been setting things aside for too long and are trying my utmost best to have a balanced life. There is a reason for me to study. 1st I am convinced that to study in that direction is a calling and secondly studying is one of the things that’s keeping me sober, changing my perspective. giving me hope for the future and also adding to a bit of confidence. I also made peace with the fact, should I fail a subject that I can always go back to rewrite the exams, but for now it is of paramount importance for me to find out what I am capable of doing.

Kairos is coming up this weekend. I will be going into prison with the prison ministry team from Thursday until Sunday. My whole mind kicked against this idea to participate, but again maybe this is my time to surrender and find peace. I am aware that this might make or break me. However this will be my chance to serve hard core criminals and give me the opportunity to see them as people without knowing what they are in for. (However, having a policing background and understanding how our system works, dealing with maximum C prisoners, I can gather what they are in for. People receiving 15 years to life in SA can only be for in for one of three things; 1 Rape, 2. Armed Robbery, 3. Murder. Woman cannot be convicted for rape in our country, and for a female being involved in armed robbery is hardly heard of, so that leaves conviction number 3)

When my Mom died, I made her a promise in my mind to find whoever killed her, but I failed at that. Now I need to go and make peace and this might be a time for me to humble myself by serving those who stole both my brother and mothers life and in its turn stole my life or most important parts of my life. I started off by working at Flying Squad emergency services doing Alfa complaints, but managed to get a transfer to the station where both my brothers and mothers dockets were held, in order to have access to these dockets. I couldn’t solve either docket, never mind even finding a lead. For many years I was beating myself up for failing them.

I have to do this weekend in order to find rest for my soul by humbling myself and acknowledge these prisoners as just another human being who possibly made a bad decision or a mistake, which they may forever regret, just as I made bad choices in life.

I have started to write my letters to these prisoners. Have to do 42 of them, but the more I am writing the more I find that God is talking louder to me at this time. I am finding more and more compassion in my hearts for them and can associate with them in so many things and I have not even met them yet. Maybe this weekend will not be for me to serve them, but for them to serve me. I am learning so much from them already.

I am nervous for this weekend. I fear a bit that, because I don’t know what to expect, or what my reactions would be, yet I know in my heart that I have to see this through.

Oh, I'm so glad you got back in here Mc! I know you are very busy by your other posts. I was just worried about you.

If you are hearing from God, that's all that is necessary to guide you to what to put down and what to pick up!

I have been struggling with forgiveness lately too. And been seeing that if we don't get past and through it with His help and as He demands us to, we really shouldn't expect to go farther with Him. He just waits at the spot where we refused - waits there for us to come back.

You will do fine with the prison ministry if you listen for His direction.

Good to talk to you again.
Please come back and let me know how it went when you get a chance.

[baxpack7]

I think that by doing this prison ministry, it can help you to begin an internal cleansing. I for one, had held on to things done to me and my family for many years, and it wasn't until the incidents were re-hashed, that I realized these things were eating me up inside, and I, in my heart forgave those who had trespassed against me and my family. It felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders! For the first time in quite a while, I felt free from burden, because I had not just forgave them, but then released the burden to God, who wants us to come to Him with our burdens, so He can take care of them Himself!
I know that perhaps for your peace of mind, you want to know who took your mother and brother away from you, and I completely understand your point. I'd have to say that I would feel the same way as you do. Having said that, and being on the outside looking in, maybe it's time to let go, and let God handle it from here. Perhaps, this is something that is weighing down on you and keeping you from continuing on with your life. I'd say, let go, and let God.
As always,love you, and praying for you. May God bless you richly!

[MercyChild]

Day 22- Had a big anxiety attack last night. The studies are worrying me and time is running out. Unreasonable fears are attacking my mind and I know I should relax about it, but I can’t. My focus is on many things and many places, maybe too much for me to deal with right now and overwhelming me. I also know that I have to remain focused. I need to find some kind of a way to stop focusing on the studies, just focus on the weekend and get back into the studies when I get back, but that itself is a very overwhelming thought. I am behind schedule as it is. Relax, I just need one day to sit back and relax, but I cannot. I have this inner drive in me pushing me to the limits and I am tired. I don't know why I am chasing things, but I am. Everything is one big rush and I have to ensure to stay intact with emotions not to fail, but somehow it feels that I am losing control and failing a bit every day by not keeping up. Will this turn out a total disaster too?

[MercyChild]

I have checked my motives for the things I am doing they seem to be for the right reasons. All I can do is take one day at a time, or rather 5 minutes at a time for now at least.

All the things for the weekend is done and in place, so at least I have achieved something. I have also put pride aside and asked someone to help me to understand this subject I am battling with, and guess what, they who ask will receive. What a lesson this is for me. Hopefully I will still be in time with handing in all my assignments.

All I can do, is do my best and if I should fail, I will just have to try harder the next time around (hard to keep convinging myself this). I will not allow these thoughts of never being good enough, get me down. All I can do is give everything I do, my best shot.

Rehab phoned and want me to facilitate for in patients, but I am not ready and they don't seem to understand that when your cup is empty, what do give others?

Anyway, off I go. Kairos is starting Thursday morning and God be with me. May He guard my tongue, my actions or reactions and may I lean on only Him to get me through it.................

[ChristianCoffee]

I have checked my motives for the things I am doing they seem to be for the right reasons. All I can do is take one day at a time, or rather 5 minutes at a time for now at least.

All the things for the weekend is done and in place, so at least I have achieved something. I have also put pride aside and asked someone to help me to understand this subject I am battling with, and guess what, they who ask will receive. What a lesson this is for me. Hopefully I will still be in time with handing in all my assignments.

All I can do, is do my best and if I should fail, I will just have to try harder the next time around (hard to keep convinging myself this). I will not allow these thoughts of never being good enough, get me down. All I can do is give everything I do, my best shot.

Rehab phoned and want me to facilitate for in patients, but I am not ready and they don't seem to understand that when your cup is empty, what do give others?

Anyway, off I go. Kairos is starting Thursday morning and God be with me. May He guard my tongue, my actions or reactions and may I lean on only Him to get me through it.................

I will be praying for you and your whole team on this.

[MercyChild]

What a weekend!
Just before we went into prison on Thursday I was gripped by fear of what my response to these 42 woman would be, but this fear was picked up by someone in the group, and prayed against.
“Okay God, ready or not, here I am, use me if You’d like.” So we went inside.

Each person was assigned to a prisoner, to take care of them, answer their questions and be their guide over these 3 days spend inside. The lady assigned to me was serving time because of smuggling drugs. “God, why a drug smuggler out of all these people” I asked. I still had to do a talk the next day with only 26 clean days behind me and I feel ashamed that she was locked up and I was still living a free life outside, while I was actually a consumer for what she had been arrested for. I soon realised that I could have been inside prison as well.

At first the woman were very stiff, angry and did not like us to even touch them. But that only lasted until the the next morning. By Friday night when we left, these women could not give us enough hugs and kisses! It was mind blowing how quickly they opened up to receive love.

On Friday it was my turn to do my talk. Like I experiencedo nly once before I was sitting listening to the previous talk as God changed my thoughts on what I had to say. One thing I knew right from the start was that God wanted me not to mention my brother or mother being murdered. So I did not. Gone with the notes I started to talk. I could hear my own voice speaking, but was amazed at what was coming out of my mouth. I had to physically stick labels on me of how I thought the world saw me boxed and labelled me. I knew that the feelings I have felt and my perspective had much in common with these prisoners. At that moment we were the very same, with the very same feelings, perspectives and emotions. Then I had to remove these labels from myself and replaced those bad labels, with the labels of who God thinks and says in the scriptures of who we really are. Right there the penny dropped and I have found a total new perspective of who I really am, the prisoners also associated with the exact same feeling I was feeling at that moment. A lot of healing in my own life took place just there and then.

Then my first interaction took place, where I was requested by a prisoner to pray for her. I agreed as I promised God that I would do anything over this weekend He asks of me. This woman wanted to confess, even though I told her that she does not need to confess to me, but rather to God, she insisted that I should hear her out and listen to her story. I agreed. Trying to have no emotional expression on my face was hard to do, but God helped me to not judge her at all. A murderer came to me to apologise for what she had done!!! I kept my pose, but after we were done, I had to find a place to go sob my heart out, without her seeing how much anger and hurt and pain was released behind the curtains. So, I had other interactions with 3 more murderers wanting to share their story with me. No matter how much I insisted that they didn’t have to share with me, they all wanted to have me sit down and listen to them. “Okay God, I get it, and I forgive them. They are people just like me!”

Then we had some special time for these women to work through their own hurts and to have the courage to lay down those they were angry against or even hated. It was mind blowing, I have never seen God at work like this before as these woman stood up, went up to the cross, bowed down and laid their enemies at the foot of the cross. Ialso
had a turn and God spoke clearly to me that He will also take away my unforgiveness. I sobbed but tried to not show too much emotion. Then all of the sudden it felt like I wanted to burst, someone grabbed and hugged the life outof me and we were sobbing like babies in one another’s arms. I could not believe what was happening. I had the warmest, most real hug and God comforted both of us. God put me in the hands of another murderer and as we embraced each other I found that we both have received inner healing for what we had done and kept secret in our hearts.

I saw God working in 42 women’s lives during this weekend. I bonded with each and everyone of them without feeling anything else towards them except for loving them. We shared together, we cried together, we hugged, laughed, prayed and comforted one another. It was awesome!

Then came Sunday, the closing. We had to say goodbye. My heart broke as I knew that I will be walking away in freedom while they stay behind prison doors. I have not sobbed this much in years. I had compassion for them. I learned to love them. My heart went out for each and everyone of them! If I could stay behind with them I would. I have never seen hardened people change into such soft human beings in just such a small time. These woman gave their testimonies and it was amazing to listen to each and everyone of them explaining what they had received over the weekend. God did not miss one of them, each one were touched, freed, or found forgiveness in one way or the other. Even behind prison doors, they were free! I, a prisoner of anger and hate was set free as well!

I am 29 days clean today. I am God thankful that this woman taught me that the choices I make outside can affect me in so many ways and that I just have to keep on saying no, no, no, no to temptation and I will receive my reward. These women were my reward. I have found a new passion and as strange as it may seem, I would give anything to be able to go back, sit around a table, sharing, eating and discussing God with murderers who are forgiven by God, who changed their names from sinners to HIS daughters.

I am free today no matter the past, no matter how people see me, no matter the labels, God has given me and 42 other woman a new name over this weekend!

[ChristianCoffee]

Praise God He used your openness in such a mighty way. May His strength be yours, His compassion yours, and His love show through you in all that you do.

[baxpack7]

It really makes me smile to see what you wrote, so thank you for lifting my spirits! Keep pressing on with what you're doing. Luv ya!

[MercyChild]

Day 30.

The weekend is still on my mind. I noticed that I have never mentioned that two of these prisoners received the Holy Spirit! One of them a leader and respected member among the inmates. Friday night we had a team meeting and we discussed this elderly woman in her 70's. We interceded for her. On arrival Saturday morning I just felt to tell her that today was going to be her day and it appeared that God could not wait to show us that He is listening, answering prayers and working. About an hour into the morning prayers she burtsed into tears and started speaking tounges.

Then about two hours later she was called into the office by one of the captains. We prayed for her as she left, that she was not called in to recieve bad news, or be in any kind of trouble. As we realised as the weekend progressed that the enemy was at work as well to rob these woman from their blessings. But, when she returned, she shined in the same way as just a couple hours before when she recieved God's Spirit. She was informed that the four years she had left in prison was being reduced and that she will be leaving prison in December, in time for Christmas! Now that was amazing! None of us expected that to happen!

The more I think about the weekend, the more I realise and see just how God's hand was at work!

All I can do for now is to take one day at a time and make each day the best possible day.

[awestruckchild]

Oh MC,
Thank you so much for coming in and letting us know how it went!
We have an amazing God.

[Dani H]

Hotdang.

All glory to God. Praise His name!

[MercyChild]

Day 31 of being clean and sober.
It feels like the recovery is going slowly as I am counting the days, but taking just one day at a time or even sometimes just 5 minutes at a time is the key to success here.

So, this morning I got my second assignments result. 67% is okay as I thought I was going to flunk this one. I am struggling with this subject, so I am pleased that I have exam admission on this subject as well. Two subjects down, two to go and cannot wait for those results as the next were favourite subjects.

I am learning to be content with my results and to be pleased that I can go write exams.

I have also got some natural D-phenylalanine to help me cope with opium cravings. Nothing to worry about and nothing I can get addicted to. I will be starting that treatment as from tomorrow.

Little things seem to irritate me lately, but I have to keep my emotions in check. I am currently undergoing an emotional roller-coaster of happy and sad, joyful and tearful. Not sure why, but staying in touch with these emotions.

A lot of happenings occurred during this last few days,and I am not surprised that little things wants to get me down. Pray, pray, pray and more prayer is what keeps me on track. I am fully aware that I cannot do this on my own and relying on God’s strength from day to day or even moment to moment.

I am thankful for another chance and that I made it out alive after the last relapse and all I can do now is to remind myself that God has given me more time on this earth and that it is my responsibility to use it wisely.

My responsibility chart I am following includes the following which every addict in recover should highlight for themselves as a daily reminder. It seems to help me a lot.

· I am responsible for my own choices and actions
· I am responsible for the way I prioritize my time
· I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring in my life
· I am responsible for the care or the lack of care with which I treat my body
· I am responsible for being in relationship that I choose to enter, remain in or terminate.
· I am responsible for the way I treat people
· I am responsible for the meaning or lack of meaning I give my life
· I am responsible for my own happiness
· I am responsible for my life emotionally, materially, intellectually and spiritually.

Sometimes circumstances and people are beyond my control, there are setbacks, but I am responsible for the way I respond.

My only control is my responsibility!

[MercyChild]

Right now I can do with some of your prayers. Having a really bad craving - genuine suffering. I am responsible for my life, I cannot fail today. I have to do anything or everything to make it through just for today. I'm struggling to ride this one out, I cannot be beaten. These thoughts are manifesting into plans and I have to counter act against it now!

[Dani H]

Praying for you! You can do it!

[MercyChild]

Day 32
I am grateful that I could count just another day. Yesterday I realised that prayer is indeed a gift given from God to us to useas we need it. A direct link for us to be used to ask Him for His help, guidedance, strength and direction. So also has God given us wisdom, and I used every resource available to me.

I knew I could not go home yesterday, so I went somewhere safe where I could go and pray first. The armour of God was placed back into position where it belonged and from there I went directly to my home fellowship group.

I know that previously I had help from someone to keep my bank cards, and it did not workout as the addict in me misused that opportunity, but I also knew that should I have easy access to money that I could easily fall and destroy the entire planof getting out of the financial mess which the addict have created.

At first I feared to ask someone to help me out as I failed in this area before, but I prayed and asked for courage, so I managed to ask for the help I needed. I am thankful that God gave me the courage and another chance to be helped. This morning I know it is by His grace that Icould come back and keep on counting clean days.

After I have handed over the things that were an obstacle for me to fall into the trap of temptation, even the voices in my head that tried to convince me that I could use and control my usage got silent.

I thank God for godly wisdom. I thank God for more grace and more mercy. I thank God for helping me to get a plan of action in place. I thank God for another sober day.