Recovery

[MercyChild]

Day 10 - recount

I am not being impossible; but have chosen on where I want to place my trust. It is not in worldly things, nor in programs or rehabs, but I am trying to place my full trust in God. Went back to aftercare last night, didn’t go well, but have the feeling that if I am not going to do the 90/90 NA meetings I am going to be kicked of that program as well after tonight’s meeting with the psychologist.

God in You I put my trust, what must be must be, but I need Your direction. Please do not place me in any position to choose, but help to steer my where to from here in the right direction. In my life, may Your will be done and not mine.

[Scooby_Snacks]

Hi MercyChild,

If given the opportunity to drink, I will do so alcoholically.
This means to me that the generational sin of alcoholism was so strong that I followed.
In many ways it was learned behavior..how to deal (or not to deal) with my reality, by numbing out.
The difference is that I entered recovery--after being saved, because I went to drinking again, even though I had Jesus.
The largest area that ever causes me to even consider a drink is the area of feelings, and things that I cannot control.

Were you thinking about leaving the program before you drank (I am guessing this happened after being around family fighting)

What negative thing would happen if you stayed in the program and followed their direction for the full 90 days?

What positive things might happen?

I havent read this thread until the last 24 hours, since my last posting day.

Do you believe recovery is worldly? (12 steps) I only ask this because you have mentioned the world, and wasn't sure if that was just lust for the things of the world or in connection with recovery programs?

[MercyChild]

Recount - day 14

Hi SS,

To answer your questions:

The thought of quitting the program came long before I picked up the bottle, but incidents just added more and more to my decision. The thing is the program just had too many meetings to attend and considering time, finances and energy I just could not manage to keep up. I did this for an entire month and was running for a burnout.

You see I had to do at least one NA meeting a day (7 meetings a week – about 2 hours per meeting) including 3 aftercare meetings a week (another 6 hours) and then a one on one meeting with the psychologist a week (1 hour). Despite of the aftercare and psychologist meeting I still had to do a NA meeting for that day. In total I had to do 11 meetings a week (21 hours above working hours a week), working a full time job and I am studying through varsity.
This excluded seeing the shrink or the pastoral counselling sessions I am currently still attending. I found it totally unmanageable after the first month of sticking with the program. I always had to rush from one meeting to another, make a plan for fuel money, but just couldn’t cope anymore. This meant from work, I would put foot at home at only about 21h00 almost every night and then I had to start with my studies. It is impossible to restart this entire program! Yes, after the alcohol incident I felt more despondent. If a professional gave up on me, how bad can one really be? If I do not do the 90/90 program I am also not allowed to continue with the aftercare program also. So, it is a all or nothing situation.

Adding everything up from where I need to go from here, I think it is a sensible decision to move on and get my focus straight. The sad thing is that I am saved, and relapsing just adds to more guilt, more shame and more fear.

The negative of this program is that I am putting myself in a greater financial mess as the NA meetings is at different venues daily and I do not have the cash for fuel, but have to keep on borrowing money. I refuse to do that any longer. I have other financial responsibilities I still need to meet and rectify. I need to be solely responsible for myself. If I cannot do that, then I cannot partake in any program for that matter. I will also not have time to study and surley will fail the exams. I will eventually burn out and the shrink will send me off to the psychiatric hospital. I will not have the opportunity to live a normal life. It will also add that I will have the cash to purchase my medicaiton. I will be allowed time to focus not only on recovery but more on God Himself.

The positive to not continue, is that I will have sufficient time to take care of myself, have less financial pressure, and have sufficient time to catch up on my studies and to pass the exams. Maybe I will even have the time now, to look for a cheaper place to rent. I will have more time to reflect on God daily and not be late for work everyday because of exhaustion. Stress levels will drop sharply as I will be able to control my time and my day better. I will have a better handle on life itself and not feel pressurised by a program I cannot fully commit to.

It will allow me to be more fully committed to the things that are priority in my life right now, eg, work, and studying to better the future. The studies alone are rather a big challenge and I need to find out what I am capable of. If I cannot throw my entire weight into it now, how will I ever know if I have what it will take to successfully complete this degree?

No the 12 steps is not entirely from the world, but the focus is more on a program rather than God. I know that they say that recovery should always come first, but my view is that God should come first. I have spend my Easter weekend well and focused the entire time on God rather than recovery and found that it is way easier to hand this stuff to Him each time it comes up, rather than me trying to deal with it all by myself. Everything cannot be blamed on addiction, it is the triggers that needs to be dealt with which this psychologist did not agree upon. I have been in recovery for many years now, and the aim right now is to dig deeper and deeper until the root problem which I thought before was removed, need to be taken out for once and for all. I cannot do this by myself, but I know God can, not a progam.

[MercyChild]

Day 15 - Things are as good as it can get, yet I am frustrated with many things and know I have to start looking toward change. What I need to be watchful over is that this frustration do not turn in to agression, but the ultimate question is, where should I start?

[Scooby_Snacks]

Hi MercyChild,

Thank you for your gracious reply.
I was never one who could say in an A.A. meeting and state: without A.A., I would not be here today. That is because God did many things with me at one time, it was as if He ingrained within me, by His Spirit, the same basic spiritual truths from the 12 steps, leading me and guiding me, as I went to different recovery meetings, both Christian and secular, church, counseling and support groups. I was hungry for change, and He brought about what was needed, the people, places and situations to accomodate that change as I sought Him. It was a landslide for me. There was much grief over losses, areas of pain that were revealed, and dysfunctions uncovered early on. In community and in Him my brokeness laid bare, He began to make a very imperfect life into His mosaic.
I believe He has a plan for everyone, and that inevidable plan can appear different yet will yeild the same results in surrender to Him.

There is therefore no condemnation in Christ Jesus.
May He make His paths clear to you, and may the Grace of God find its perfect home in your heart, as He guides you by His Perfect Truth and Loving Mercy.

[MercyChild]

DAY 16!

I know I have all the tools I need to stay sober; I just couldn’t trust myself until now and need to practice it. I think I have been dependant on people for too long and now it is up to me to make use of what I know, what I have learned through the many programs and through grace and rely on God for daily wisdom.

I do want to change a lot of things but moving rather slowly, and made peace with it, as I realised things went slow due to awareness, weighing both sides of the coin and dealing with only one thing at a time. These changes I need to make may have great implications, but thought it must be the work of the God pushing me in the right direction and I want to make these changes for a sober, better living future. Why all my plans fell apart, I don’t know, but I know that I am equipped to handle situations. I just need to keep believing that.

I have God living within me, so why be afraid. Doing introspection on a regular basis has shown me that I have grown in many areas, and the fear I were facing, were mostly natural fear, actually motivating me to do the right thing and slowly move in the right direction.

[ChristianCoffee]

Praise God, my dear sister. Know that I am still praying for you, and always will.

In Him,

CC

Romans 8:15-17

[Scooby_Snacks]

Yeah, what Coffee said. Amen.

[MercyChild]

Day 18

Okay, so here is what I was trying to figure out the last two days.

Every time, I tell myself that everything is under control and that I can beat this addiction, it appears that very shortly after that I will be tempted with cravings very harshly and I don't understand why this happens. I know craving will come, but the degree of cravings I get after I made a choice and decided I am going to stand my man, it feels like the cravings is just unbearable.

So, I was thinking. Say you would have a chocolate everytime you are hurting or aching somewhere in your body and byu having chocolate, it removes the pain, you would keep on having chocolate every time you are aching, right.
But now you realise that chocolate makes you gain weight and is actually not good for your health, and that you will no longer be able to have any chocolate for the rest of your life. What will you be mourning, the chocolate or the thought that you will have to deal with whatever ache comes up in your body, which now you will have to deal with or the pain must vanish all by itself without taking anything for it. How will one manage now? Well, I think that is how I visualised drugs, it took away pain and the thought that I would never in my life be able to use any drugs to help me compe or remove pain when I expereince it, became overwhelming.

But, I know better. To have prevention measures to keep the pain away in the first place would add that you would not need chocolate to make it better, so a choice to change behaviour is a good start, is it not? When I now have to deal with a sittuation, I can think about whether it is life threatening or not and how that will or might affect me in 5 years. I am trying to keep in mind that I do not always have to emotionally automatically react, but that I have a choice in this. Can one learn to control emotions, I never thought so before, but practising it is teaching me that one can have control over them.

I know this is a stupid explanation, but it make sense to me and that matters. I want to make sense of why I do things I do or used to do, find ways of changing them, or find a solution for every problem, every negative behaviour or action through reasoning. I might not have something (drugs) to take away pain, but I can prevent the pain, and I can deal with the emotions this pain brings along. Now maybe it appears that there is nothing from or of God in here, but a gift from Him is that we should have self control and that is what I am trying to practice. Let me choose what I really want to have above drugs and that is HIM and a sober way of living.

Actually there are those who might never believe in me again, but it doesn't matter any longer, I get to sleep with a clear concious every night and that makes this journey worhtwile. So, what I have told myself now is that it is okay, I can have drugs at anytime I want, but I know that I will lose something in exchange for that. The question I ask myself is, what am I willing to lose to drugs and that makes cravings so much easier to deal with. There is no longer the thought that I might never in life have drugs to remove the pain, but am I prepared to exchange something I have for it! This makes the choice simple, I want to keep what I have, so it makes it easier to choose God, life and relationships above drugs. It just makes me feel now that I do have a choice instead of feeling that I never had a choice to drug or not drug before........crazy thought maybe, but it surely is working for me.

[Dani H]

I understand where you are. I'm there too. I love you still.

Yes, you've always had a choice. So have I. Knowing that alone makes all the difference, doesn't it? The gift isn't even the self-control, but the choice. All day every day it's all choices all the time and always has been.

[ChristianCoffee]

I understand where you are. I'm there too. I love you still.

Yes, you've always had a choice. So have I. Knowing that alone makes all the difference, doesn't it? The gift isn't even the self-control, but the choice. All day every day it's all choices all the time and always has been.

I cannot say anymore then this: and know I am praying for you every step of the way.

[MercyChild]

Day 21
Recovery is not only abstaining from drugs but working on every area in one’s life which was affected. I came to realise that the way I have been doing things were my maladaptiveness to handle situations. To change the behaviour, the errors, the living arrangements, past messes and trying to go forward is where the real challenge lies. This is overwhelming at times.

Was meant to go for an interview today, but postponed due to the interviewer having to attend to a family crisis.

I am ready to move on in many areas. I am tired of being in the space where I find myself time and again. Some days I am up and then other times it feels like I am going down a hill at a very fast speed. I know to keep on trusting in God and His perfect timing, but sometimes it is overwhelming especailly when one does not know what tomorrow may bring. All I want to do is move on, move away from my yesterdays. Find new ways to deal and cope with situations. Forget about being an addict and live a free and normal life. I need to be in control of these emotions and have to find the right way to do so. Maybe all of this is actually finding a way to live with myself. That is the hardest part.

The exams are just around the corner and I am worried as I feel that I am not prepared well enough yet. Although that motivates me to work even harder, I am scared that I will put in all this time, energy and effort and still fail. So, all I can do is just focus on today, make the best of what I have today and that will add to tomorrow’s happiness, I hope. At least that is what I am trying to achieve.

There is one thing that bugs me a lot and I do not know how to shake it off. I have been working hard, been loyal, honest and going the exta mile on everything I am trying to work on. I know that I analyze too much, but there are these suicidal thoughts that comes up every now and again. What worries me is every time there is a better motivation to do so, the plans improve and it feels like this thought inside of me is growing stronger. I also know that, that is not what I want to do, but I do not understand why these thoughts will not stop. I pray against them, and they go away for a while, just so that they can harass me unexpectedly again. I know that I have to phone the shrink, but I fear he is going to mess around with my medication again and I just cannot afford that. Not now anyway. I need to be in full control to be able to study as hard as I can. I’m in a catch 22 here. All I want to do is change who I used to be according to what God wants me to be.

I have not been running for some time now. I faced my challenges, I faced my fears and I faced my addiction, but now I am asking for a little time of mercy for things to get just a bit easier for a while, just until I am strengthend again to continue with the battle.

[Dani H]

Let me just say this: It recently dawned on me that I've been struggling to trust God to take care of my circumstances.

Until He spoke to me and said "Why don't you just trust Me to take care of YOU?"

It's not even that I didn't trust God to take care of me. I did, but I just had to make it my focus and let go of all these secondary things I'd been clinging to. And, I can honestly say that doing so helped me to totally get my focus OFF my circumstances, let them be what they are and just deal with them as they come, but in and through it all, trust God to take care of Dani. Because I can honestly say, He always has, but I was too busy looking elsewhere to rest in that, and as a result I let my circumstances stress me out way too much. Get your focus off that which is completely secondary and on God where it belongs, because circumstances change, and God isn't limited even a little bit when it comes to caring for His children. He made manna rain from the heavens, didn't He? He brought water out from a rock in the desert, didn't He? He promised to provide all we need, didn't He? Ok well then there you go.

Trust your Father to take care of you. He will then give you grace to deal with your circumstances as they arise and you never have to worry.

[MercyChild]

Day 22

Thank you Dani,

I know that at times I am struggling to trust God too, but I keep on trying and I know eventually I will get it right in every area.

Circumstances is one thing and sometimes even managable or being okay with it. I know I get negative, but I share my thoughts anyway, cause as long as I don't keep them hidden inside they wil not manifest. I don't really communicate with people anymore. The stigma on recovery and depression (bipolor) is rather heavy, but being mocked about it just makes it worse.

I have kicked against the thought of being bipolor, but when I look back during those times where I couldn't finance the medication, I can clearly see a difference. In my journal I can exactly show which days I was using meds and which not. Medication do make a difference; My thought patterns changes as well as better behaviour, moods and reactions, but I don't like being mocked about it. On the othere hand, maybe sometimes some things are better not spoken about at all? I am on my medication, just ran out of some, but will have the new script tomorrow.

I know the difference between right and wrong, I just dont like when I am despondant. I have learned that I can trust no one, but God, no one at all, not even myself. Not even those who claims to be your best friend, because we are all human and we all make mistakes. I don't keep it against anyone, cause I am just the same, we all make mess up sometimes, we all get into a bad space at times, and that is okay.

Anyway, thats me, I have to catch up on yesterdays work I neglected.

[Dani H]

2 of my very best friends have been diagnosed with bipolar at one time or another, even to the point of psychiatric hospitalization. So what? That doesn't make you any less of a person. Everyone has their struggles, and maybe the bipolar has been there all along but you chose to self-medicate with drugs? There's always that possibility. The quickest way to get a handle on something is to stop denying that there might be something going on, and to tackle it for what it is.

Having said that ... even bipolar illness itself (judging from my admittedly very limited personal experience) is rooted in specific life events and broken relationships. BUT ... God can redeem and restore and heal anything we hand over to Him and give Him access to.