Recovery

[MercyChild]

2 of my very best friends have been diagnosed with bipolar at one time or another, even to the point of psychiatric hospitalization. So what? That doesn't make you any less of a person. Everyone has their struggles, and maybe the bipolar has been there all along but you chose to self-medicate with drugs? There's always that possibility. The quickest way to get a handle on something is to stop denying that there might be something going on, and to tackle it for what it is.

Having said that ... even bipolar illness itself (judging from my admittedly very limited personal experience) is rooted in specific life events and broken relationships. BUT ... God can redeem and restore and heal anything we hand over to Him and give Him access to.

DAY 23

Sometimes it does feel as if it makes me a lesser person, because it just adds to another character defect. Being mocked is an insult to me. I had trouble first of all accepting it, and it appears that this is a thorn in my flesh and in my heart.
Yet, I also know because of this last few months that being on medication does make a big difference in me, although I sometimes feel the hell with you all, when will Linda decide what is good for Linda? But that might just be arogance from my side.

I might have had it for a long time because I was first daignosed at the age of 14, but it was called compulsive reaction depression then. But the other side of the coin is that others think that this "illness" was self inflicted and it may even be true.

Actually I am very extroverted, but now a days I prefer being alone most of the time, because it means that I don't have to fend for myself all the time and I don't get to bond with others anymore. That safeguards me from not getting hurt or judged.

I know that I am mostly angry with myself, but I am afraid that this anger is starting to show externally and even that keeps me from not being around others, because I fear that they will be around when I eventually lose it. Actually I want to scream and shout, throw things around, break what is in my way, climb over each and every hurdle and not be sorry about it and not look back, but I know I have to stay in control. That is just what I have to do whether I like it or not.

I am going to stop typing just here, because I think I am emotional and my thoughts are not all that rational at the moment.

[Dani H]

DAY 23I might have had it for a long time because I was first diagnosed at the age of 14,

What happened when you were 13? Or 12? Or at any time before then?

Our minds don't break for no reason. Traumatic events happen, and we react to them. We develop self-defense mechanisms. We lose trust in people. We steel ourselves and kick into "survival mode" when what/who we used to trust, is destroyed before us, when we realize how volatile things really are and how little control we really have. It does something to us. Then, if we don't know God and have not been taught to lean on Him, we're forced to lean on ourselves (and often do a poor job with it, especially when we are very young yet and have not been taught godly values and principles).

I used to really chafe at godly discipline. Because of the lack of it in my childhood, I mistrusted it, I didn't understand my need for it and it was foreign to me. I had to learn, you know? I had to realize it's necessary and I had to learn to embrace it and be thankful for it. Godly discipline teaches and preserves us.

[MercyChild]

What happened when you were 13? Or 12? Or at any time before then?

Our minds don't break for no reason.

Day 28

What happened at 12? I don’t know how you knew to ask this question, but it hits home.

That is the year my life has changed, actually everything changed. That was the year my dad stopped drinking, house rules changed, we all became prisoners in our own minds, hearts and lives. Sounds great that my dad finally got his act together, but it brought a lot of confusion, misunderstandings and rebellion and I picked up where he laid down.

I wrote about this in the book and thought that once most of it was out on the open, things should have been better, it should have been okay, it should have been wiped out and I was meant to be healed because of the truth being exposed, but it didn’t work that way.

That was the year my 18 year old brother got murdered. I loved him, I loved him very much. Between him and my eldest brother, they were the protectors or our home. My borthers death, that is the reason why my dad got sober, just so that almost six years later when my mother was murdered in our home, he had reason to pick up the bottle again, but this time worse than I could remember.

The night my brother died I learned many lesson, but most of all I learned that life can even be more devastating than just a physical death. That night of what happened will forever stick in my mind. Childhood, teenage years, womanhood, livelihood, everything was taken away in one day. Some days I still don’t want to think about that night, but stuff triggers the thoughts and my mind start rolling like a film, remembering every little detail. I had to mature and become an adult with immediate effect. I was grown up and understood what had happened. It was not like before where I just felt the physical pain and carried on. This time around it broke me physically, mentally and emotionally. Just there distant family or maybe even any family became something of disgust to me. Was it not enough that I have just lost my brother to the hands ofmurderers? That day my brother died, I too have died.

That was the year I had my first smoke, my first drink, my first joint, my first taste of mandrax and my first step to self destruction and it felt good. It all felt so right. It made me feel like someone. I didn’t feellike a loser all the time, I didn’t have to be a part of this horrible world I found myself in and if anyone would have the right to destroy me, it would be myself. I could protect myself through isolation, just be and fantasize how I would take revenge when I am older. Then I became older and guess what, it was the same old, same old, I could do nothing to protect myself once again. It is strange, but it was only after my brother's death that I became a great athlete, because everything I did, I did, because he would never be able to do the things I was able to do. Whatever I did, whenever I competed, whenever I fought, I did for the both of us and that was the only reason I ever suceeded in anything.

I remember every smell, every sound and can recall every single snapshop my mind took on that day. No matter how hard I try to get rid of it, avoid it or push it out of my thoughts, it will not go away. It just won’t.

That day and that night, has changed everything. Yeah, I knew hardship by then, I knew disappointment, I knew violence to a certain extent, but I never knew that life can become even crueller than I already knew it to be.

It is that day and that night, I know which I need to have wiped out of my mind. It was that day and that night which allowed the addict in me to be born. Over a period of 24 hours I would be changed for a lifetime. I wish it never happened. I wish I was never there on that day and that night.

Even authority cannot protect you. Nothing in this world is fair or just. Nothing, nothing at all.

I received more results. 72% and 96% and even though I should see that as okay, it always feels like nothing is good enough, I'm not good enough, yet I know it is wrong because I should be thankful for the blessing God gives me, but it is very difficult to recognise blessings when you think that you don’t deserve any of it coming your way.

I have been in a bad space the last week or so and it is so hard to climb out of this pit to get to the light again because there is nothing positive waiting to happen on the other side. Instead I know that very soon in the near future I am about to lose more people in my life which meant a great deal to me.

We had a long weekend with some holidays and it is the holidays which is the hardest for me to deal with. Yet I ensured my safety to remain sober. I should be proud, but I am fighting more than just abstaining from heroin and crack and some days I don’t see a way out of this entire mess which I have created.

I know I am negative and should not be, but easier said than done, I cannot control it even though I desperately want to. I cannot let others in on this, for this is my battle and I am afraid that my negativity will drag others down with me, and that is not right, fair or just. That is not what I want to do, although sometimes it would be nice to have someone behind you pushing you upright to remain standing tall, but that is God’s job now.
Most of the times all I can do is pray and ask God to remove all stuff inside my head.

[turtledove]

Linda, I agree with Dani here. 13 is a key time in your life to explore and ask God to heal the memories of that period of time in your life. It is also the time in which we pass from childhood to adolesence so a time of vulnerability. It has been key to me especially since I experienced abuse at that time from my step father. My dad died when I was only 9. Dealing with it and how it effects me is ongoing. The main thing that helped me over the years and has helped me to keep slipping back into addictions is to remember that God is my Father and that he loves me as a very good Father does. For me it is all about trust but I don't mean that in a simplistic way. It is an ongoing thing and a discipline of sorts. Also reminding myself of His promises from the Word (even saying them over and over) helps..especially Jeremiah 29:11--" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." But I still struggle and the hardest times are those when I am under stress.

Stress can't be avoided though especially if you are a student. (been there many times.) Exercise always helps me especially breathing in fresh air. When I was in grad school I got out and ran almost every day and that helped. Now I simply walk. And getting quiet times aways from others can be very good. To us extroverts though it can feel like running way and/or isolating and we have to tell ourselves it isn't that. Actually to me it has become more like refueling the tank.

I can relate even though I am over 70 and still relying on His Grace and strength as I meet anew the challenges of daily living as I know he takes our limitations and vulnerability into account. He gives us strength to overcome, to balance out, while the enemy wants us to return to bondage and tell ourselves we are too weak. Not so in Christ! We need to continue to put our faith, hope, and trust in our loving Father through the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ.

Prayers.

Jo

[Dani H]

Oh honey. I'm so sorry. What a horrific thing to have to live through. No wonder your mind broke. Pain will do that to a child. Heck, pain will do that to adults.

My prayer for you is that God will redeem your life from destruction and that He will turn your mourning into joy. That He will heal and deliver you and your entire family, and show you His great salvation.

No, nothing in this world is fair.

But, God is just.

When men fail us (and they will ... time and again) ... we can trust the Lord. His arm is NOT shortened so that He cannot save.

I am often just crying out to the Lord for mercy because I think of human history and the horrific, cruel and sadistic things people are capable of doing to each other. It's sickening. I don't personally understand why we are still here, as a race, why God has not wiped us off the face of the earth. I don't get it.

God's mercy is infinite. It has to be. Because here we still are, as proof. People call God a monster and it's such crap because God didn't murder your family; people did. People decided to do what they did. People choose to do things to other people that are unspeakable. Then God steps in and does what He does to stop the sin cycle, and people go "well God is so mean". Really now? Shut up because you don't know what you're talking about.

It is by God's great mercy that we are not consumed, and that we have not yet consumed one another.

I want Jesus to come back today because I think of all the ones suffering at the hands of sinful people, and it makes me sick to just think about what people all over the world are having to go through today, even as I write this.

I'm also infinitely thankful that this hellhole called earth is the most hell I will ever see. Thank You Jesus.

You have to forgive. Completely.

John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

[MercyChild]

DAY 31

Thanks Jo, I know that I am lacking in trust a great deal, but the question in my mind remains, how does a good father loves his children?

The scripture you have quoted lifted my spirit this morning as it appears that God keeps on using others to confirm that promise through that scripture time and time again.

Studying is stressful and I’m writing my first exams next week. I want to do well, I want to get this degree behind me so bad and I am not even sure why I want it. Some days I want to quit, then other days I cannot learn enough. Honestly, I am scared but I have put in many hours, hoping I put in enough time and energy to pass. I hope I will be brave enough to enter the exam location to give it a go.

I wish I were able to do exercise or go for a run, but after the accident it appears that my legs doesn’t want to work with me all the time. I can walk small distances, but at night I will know about it. That is another frustration I have. I used to go jogginng, walk or go to the gym for a while and that helped a great deal also because I am ADHD, but now I have to find new ways of doing things. Everything I do is out of my comfort zone and feels like an entirely new world to me.

When men fail us (and they will ... time and again) ... we can trust the Lord. His arm is NOT shortened so that He cannot save.

God's mercy is infinite. It has to be.

You have to forgive. Completely.

I know man will always fail one another and I also know the past was not God’s work or will. Yet, that knowledge doesn’t add to confidence to trust others.

I’m trying to move forward, but it feels like I am not moving anywhere at all. I have lost most friends again; I cannot manage finances and my confidence sucks worse now being sober as being an addict. When I’m high I can be someone or something irrespective of others opinions and have confidence to fend for myself. Being sober means desperation for peace, so much so, that I allow others to walk all over me in order to avoid conflict, yet the more I try to avoid it, the more I find myself in conflict situations and I know I have to do something about it, I just don’t always know how or what to do.

Sounds like I want to use, but I don’t, I’m just trying to figure how to apply new skills. The streets appear to be easier than trying to function among sober people who are supposed to be better living creatures, but I don’t know about that. Addicts might look like rough and tough people on the outside, but I promise you except for their actions to manage to get their drug of choice they are less harmful than normal sober people in my opinion.

God did allow for me to add a new friend and I am truly thankful for that, but will I be able to hold on to it especially after being injured by a “best friends” spoken word lately. I can understand murder, rape and violence, but I cannot understand the church. I get that if I want a close relationship or any relationship at all, the safest is to have a relationship with God. There are scripture that confirms that I am a friend of God, but honestly I am uncertain about what/who is safe and what not. So every time I get hurt I press the mental delete button.

I analyze too much and I know that, and at first I thought that this is just the way I am, but I have to find ways to take control of my thoughts. Like the scripture tells us that our thoughts needs to be renewed. It appears that when I look back everything in life is a cycle. Every bad thing that happened before always will after some time happen again and this is my plea to God, to stop this cycle.

I wish I could explain better, but this thread being public domain makes it hard for me to explain myself. One thing for instance is what happened the night the day we were informed concerning my brother’s death. That was round two and round three happened just some time ago. Honestly I will not be able to handle another incident. Currently it feels like I can fold any given moment and I am not talking drug use. I know that this is one of the paralyzing obstacles and I know I have to face it, deal with it and go through forgiveness daily until it is no longer part of me, but sometimes that is hard to do and I struggle to do it on my own.

I know forgiveness is God’s will and I have put it to practice, although every time I do so, it seems like something else hurtful will happen to reinforce why I cannot or will not be able to let go from those events and people I am trying to forgive.

On days when I want to quit, I talk and talk to the Lord about everything, yet the still small voice tells me to keep on trying, press on, press on, don’t look back and don’t give up.

I try to do the right things daily. Sometimes I succeed and other times I fail, but I just try again and again and again. It has to pay off sometime and become a new way of life. I know I have many wrongs, but as you said, God’s mercy is infinite, I believe that with my entire heart.

Acknowledging all the experiences I had is showing me why I am struggling, but maybe it is God’w way of showing me what were not willing to give it up until now. I just cannot allow things of the past to rob me anymore. Yes, I have been wrong in many ways, but I have repented and why should I then still feel all this guilt and condemnation? Many things weren’t my fault, so why do I allow that to shape my being?

Like the scripture turtle dove quoted: God has a plan for us, but so also does satan have a plan to try and destroy us and keep us from getting to where God intends for us to be. I am sick and tired of being at this place where I often find myself, and that is all because the fight all starts with my thoughts. That is my battlefield.

I have changed in many ways. During the last relapse I actually went to seek help immediately, because I knew the longer I was going to hide the fact that I used, I could have fallen trap to full blown active addiction again and that it would be harder to get out of it. Seeking help and acknowledging that I messed up were something I would never do before, yet I changed my response to it. Even now when I struggle I mention it, because I know that if I can manage to get the thought out of my head into spoken words, the devils plan is halfway destroyed and I don’t have to fight that thought alone.

I don’t always have the answers but I know that the only thing I can do is to keep on seeking God in every matter, ask questions, have different approaches and to keep on keeping on until I have peace in my heart concerning a matter or burning issue. Is that wrong? I have no idea, but that is all I can hold onto for now.

[Dani H]

I don’t always have the answers but I know that the only thing I can do is to keep on seeking God in every matter, ask questions, have different approaches and to keep on keeping on until I have peace in my heart concerning a matter or burning issue. Is that wrong? I have no idea, but that is all I can hold onto for now.

That's pretty much exactly how I live my life (inwardly anyway). IDK if it's wrong either but that's all I can do too.

[MercyChild]

I may have been pretty difficult lately, maybe even stubborn, mostly it was frustration and I know that I cannot do anything without God by my side and I can rely on that, because He did indeed promise to never leave or forsake me.

Each time I have to resist trails and temptations, I do become stronger with God’s grace and I am confident that I will be able to continue as long as I hold onto Him.

My dad is back in hospital and for the first time I am prepared should nature take its toll. Yes, I cried loads last night, but I had the courage to be able to pray with him and left my dad safely in God’s hands. From the hospital to my home I had to drive through the old neighbourhood, but again God provided to be able to communicate my way through those places until I reached safety where it was easier to resist temptation.

I have plans, thoughts and ideas, but I know that God’s plans, thoughts and ideas are what I need to start accept in life and He does not make mistakes like we do. Anyway I figured that my thoughts which is my stumbling block is my thoughts and I can take responsibility to change them ask God tohelp me control them, or even better just give those thoughts to Him.

The fat lady did not sing yet, so I am going to take onthe challenge to review and study as much as I can before Tuesday’s exam paper.I ain’t no quitter, because God did not make me a loser. I will go and walk into the exam location with boldness and rely on God to help me think straight and reproduce the information which I have studied. I will not fold, because greater is He that is in me, then He that is in the world and if God is for me, who then can be against me?

[MercyChild]

Day 35

In recovery I have realised that the first 30 days arethe most critical days of sobriety. After 30 days, your emotions becomes more tense, but more intact and drug dreams normally starts takin place. With God’s grace I am doing pretty fine. The most important in recovery is that we cannot do this on our own, but with His strength we can do all things.

[ChristianCoffee]

Still praying for you, sis. I know how hard it is, and it is true: by His strength we will overcome.

[MercyChild]

Day 37

My focus is a bit shattered and my thoughts all around the place.

I made it to the exam location yesterday and it went pretty well, a definite pass. I was very anxious at first, couldn't hear the instructions and hit a blank, I could see this woman’s lips moving, but it was as if I were death although the only thing I could hear was this guy next to me chirping away. It was a strange experience, suppose it must have been due to stress. Then I closed everything in front of me, thought I am going to stand up and walk out, but instead I put down my pen and prayed God to keep me calm as the others has already started their exam paper and I still had to fill in the administration sections. After the prayer I raised my hand and ask for help to repeat what was said. Once I opened the question paper, I read the first ten questions and realised I knew each answer. I didn't even read further, turned the pages back and started answering immediately. With twenty minutes to spare, I was done, calm and collected with the knowledge that I have done well. Many thanks for those who prayed for me. I am also thankful for a very supporting friend who prayed for me and helped me to keep calm.

My dad is still in ICU since last week and it appears that things are not getting any better, but I keep on praying God’s will. On Saturday I popped him the most important question. I needed to know whether he knew where he was going should anything happen and he surely knows without a doubt. What a priveledge for us to be able to pray together. So, I figured this world is tough and if we as Christians believe in God and everything He has promised then death is not a big deal for the person dying. For the first time, I am peaceful concerning death. I’m not saying my dad is going to die now, but whenever death happens it is comforting to know that a person accepted received Christ.

Some days it is easy to remain clean but other days I still find it very difficult to not run or try to escape. Some day’s I want to do escape at any cost, but then again what will I lose, should I do so?

I’m seeing a new psychiatrist in June for a second opinion on the bipolar situation. My moods doesn’t fluctuate that often any longer, but it appears to be functioning under the normal line at the depressive pole. I am fighting hard mentally to not allow it to control my mind and the only thing that keeps me going is reading the Bible and frequent prayer to remind me of God’s promises.

One more day added to my life. How blessed I am.

[ChristianCoffee]

We are ALL blessed to have you here for another day, my sister. Just know I am still praying for you. Here is something for you, was reading it 2 nights ago:

PSALM 51


Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

Surely you desire truth in the inner partsa;
you teachb me wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

The sacrifices of God arec a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

I pray this brings you peace as it has to me.

In Him,

CC

Romans 8:15-17

[MercyChild]

Thank you for the scripture CC, means a lot to me.
My Scripture this morning, Rom 8:31 If God is for us, who can be against us?

Day 38

I was informed yesterday that I will need to move again. The owner placed the current place in the market. At first I was a bit down, because to move can become costly, but on the brighter side, maybe this is just another opportunity to start fresh again. Maybe it is time for me to make a decent change and move far away from the known environment and perhaps I this is my oppurtunity now to seek for work in another province. Does this mean running, I am not certain, I just know I have to make the best of this sittuation.

Other then that perhaps I need to look for house share opportunities, maybe being among people in a living arrangement might do me good. Ah, I don't know in which direction I will be going, I just know that God has a plan in everything.

Please pray for my Dad, he is still in ICU. Please just pray God's will to happen.

Many thanks. Another day, another opportunity, another day of mercy and grace.

[MercyChild]

Day 39

Who would have thought that I would be counting clean time days again?

Regret is one of the most vital issues to deal with in recovery. Regret in the past often led to relapses and further destruction. Regret is an issue that will arise from time to time wanting to show you just how terrible you have been, but this time around I have to practice to keep the past in the past.

Each time I struggle with regret and shame, I think about Peter (the rock) and how he must have felt after he publically denied Jesus, yet after some time he still grew in his faith. Why so? Because, Peter came to a point where he knew that Jesus did not hold it against him and neither was he to hold anything against himself. Peter broke through the barrier of his emotions and feelings of shame, guilt dissapiontment and failure, because he learned to let go.

If Jesus does not keep my past against me, why do I still do it?

[MercyChild]

DAY 42

Addiction has so faces and phases.

One of my experiences during the last couple of years is that addicts tend to run. Whether it is on and off or active addiction, we run.

We run from GOD. How can I say this? Because it is difficult to overcome temptation, cravings, physical withdrawals and yeah, how did I normally fix things? Through using, allowing thoughts to manifest and falling trap to temptation instead of trusting God to help me through those times; I preferred my own will instead of God’s. Harsh? Maybe? But God’s will for us is not to live in slavery.

Every time I relapsed or lapsed as others might prefer, I was acting like Jonah. I knew I had to go in a certain direction, but thought I could not make it, it was going to be too difficult, thought I weren't strong enough or equipped to go without any form of drugs. How would I do anything different if it was only drugs I knew all my life? So, like Jonah I also found it easy to disobey God’s instructions. Running form the task like Jonah did, one thing is for certain, we can prepare ourselves, because a storm will be coming our way and we will be swallowed by some kind of fish (circumstance, situation or anything that will bring us to a point to return to God).

However when Jonah repented of His disobedience to God, God gave Him the very same instruction and this time around he knew better and did what God expected of him. You see, God told me many times that I can be free from addiction (and I am not just talking drugs here) I just could not believe it was possible, but He kept on giving me the same instruction, to be clean, and that instruction will remain until it is followed through.

So if we run, we are just wasting more and more time, we will run into a storm and be brought to the place of darkness, sorrow and to think about our wrong doings, but finally we will have to do what we have to do, or what God instructed us to do right from the start and we might not always end up in the best of places in order to be brought to the point where we finally repent and agree to follow.

Never be discouraged, never give up hope! God gave me another opportunity to admit my many wrongs, turn to Him, asking His forgiveness and start over all again. I am praying that I am well on my way to Ninivea and that I will not lose my focus and dwell from the path I am on.