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Thread: Recovery

  1. #46
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    Re: Recovery

    Quote Originally Posted by MercyChild View Post
    After I have handed over the things that were an obstacle for me to fall into the trap of temptation, even the voices in my head that tried to convince me that I could use and control my usage got silent.
    Isn't that interesting how that works?

    Still rooting for you!

  2. #47
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    Re: Recovery

    Hi MercyChild,

    Reading this thread and tearing. Thank you for sharing with everyone here.
    Praying for His goodness to overflow to and through you.
    Peace to you!

    Psalms 138:7-8
    Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life;
    you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me.
    The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
    Do not forsake the work of your hands.

  3. #48
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    Re: Recovery

    Day 33

    Hey SS, addiction has a heavy price to pay. I share my thoughts with the hope that others will learn that to be an addict is not worth it at all. It is a curse that will try and destroy you even after one have stopped abusing it.

    Thought things would go easier, but sobriety seems to be a challenge. Loneliness still gets to me and somedays it feels like even though the drug taking have stopped, the isolation still feels the same. Then again, just my mind trying to play tricks on me. I have God, don’t I?

    The good thing this challenge brought out yesterday is to try and discover for myself why I think I kept on going back to drugs and found it hard to stay without it. I weren’t surprised to discover that selfdeception, self worth and self value was still the main issue together with lack of trust in others.

    I also know that I cannot be trusted, but is it okay to recognise how much it really hurt because of what one allowed others to do to you? I mean most of what happened I was responsible for. I have pushed people out of my life which I have learned to love because I feared the hurt that would follow. People who love one another does not always have nice things to say to each other you know.

    The last three years a lot of thing changed in my life for the better and I had a great hope for the future. I have learned things of great value; I have trusted others and others even came to a point where they have trusted me. In the last three years a lot of bad stuff happened, but also a lot of good stuff. So much so, that the good things overweighed the bad. When bad things happened I tried to push it aside, because I was in the best place I have ever found myself in life. Just push out the hurtful feelings, I would force and tell myself. I could not allow those things to ruin my new life. Yet, deep inside it was cutting me, cutting at thing in the past ,engraving those hurtful paths, deeper and deeper.

    I didn’t want to hurt others by showing them just how much I was hurting. I had to stay strong because that is what would make them feel better, because they genuinely had my best interest at heart, so in exchange I took their best interest at heart also.

    I have opened my heart for others to see. I have willingly and openly shared my story, but perhaps that was not the right thing to do. I am afraid to go this full length again.

    Today I think I might even be angry with those happenings, with others, myself and with life. Do I even have a right to be angry?

    If I did not have God and that one loyal friend given to me by God,(although I know that there was a major change in our friendship) I have no idea where I would have been. Some times I wish I could run away about how I feel, but I also know that running was what I was doing my entire life. Although there is a very deep desire in me to be different, act different, live a free and sober life without the baggage, be honest, be trusted, be a real person with good values, who care and love others without the fear of getting hurt around the corner, but it appears that the load of rubish is not just going to go away. I want it to stop!

    I noticed how much fear came out just by writing this, felt anger in the core of my stomach, yet I know that I am not allowed to be ruled by these emotions. It’s just that I regret so many things which I have done and there is nothing left for me to fix. I have to accept things as they are. I even fear making new friends, because what if the addict will come out and do the same again? I pray that God will take that part of me and remove it from me totally. 35 years behind me and it feels like (accept for the last three years of some good happening) I have not really lived life at all. Even during this good 3 years, bad things or even worse things still took place.

    When I compare my life to others, I don't think I have lived a normal life at all. How is it possible for one person to be exposed to so many bad things, while others have not even an idea of what the bad in life tastes like. Feels a bit unfair, but maybe my cross I have to carry.


    I miss having to laugh, I miss dancing, I miss running, and I miss having friends.

    Maybe just having a bad day, knowing that the weekend is coming up and I have to find ways to keep myself company. Please do not be offended by my complaints, tomorrow the sun will shine again, because despite all we feel I know that God hears our cries.
    After all maybe God wants me to look at all things in my life from all angles and a different perspective. Despite the emotions God is teaching me to be content. It also feels like for the first time, I am making sense of things and getting to understand much more. Maybe God is revealing many things to me by keeping on anlalyzing and posting. Off course I don't go into detail, but my mind runs most of the times I type and I can see events playing like a video tape and what I have to do to deal with it. Fix I cannot, but deal with it, that is where God is empowering me.
    Saved by Grace!

    Praying for Mieke and Charles
    Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation ; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.


    My testimony
    http://bibleforums.org/forum/showthread.php?t=149096

  4. #49
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    Re: Recovery

    I also know that I cannot be trusted, but is it okay to recognise how much it really hurt because of what one allowed others to do to you? I mean most of what happened I was responsible for. I have pushed people out of my life which I have learned to love because I feared the hurt that would follow. People who love one another does not always have nice things to say to each other you know.
    I myself am a recovering addict: been clean of drugs since 1990, alcohol since 1992 (20 years sober in May!!). I understand what you are saying here: before I moved out to Michigan, people I went to church with would still at atimes "question" me. The hardest thing to do is to re-earn trust we (as addicts) have gone out of our way to destroy. I praise God daily for the gifts He has given to me.

    I miss having to laugh, I miss dancing, I miss running, and I miss having friends.
    God will help you with that: he will give you joy at times you would never expect. And you DO have friends: I am one of them. Not only a brother, but a friend as well. A friend who will pray for you and for what your going through. I will be here for you.

    And I want to thank you: thank you for having the courage to post these things: you may never know until you get to Heaven how many people you are touching and impacting right now.

    In Him,

    CC

    Romans 8:16
    "You're gonna make a difference when you lay down your life, and in complete submission to God, choose to die with Him in service to other people."
    "Sometimes it concerns me, you know, the number of people that can quote my songs, and-- or they can quote the songs of several different people, but they can't quote the Scriptures."
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZLFGZ6zpeI
    Rich Mullins

    For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father

  5. #50
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    Re: Recovery

    Thank you for your support CC,

    My reward is by having this place to write down what is going on in my heart and mind. The main thing is that I get to transfer all my thoughts and feelings, and that is what is helping me to stay focused and on track.

    I am not perfect, but I am forgiven.

    I am hoping that one day I can also sit back and enjoy 20 years of sobriety. Well done to you.
    Saved by Grace!

    Praying for Mieke and Charles
    Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation ; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.


    My testimony
    http://bibleforums.org/forum/showthread.php?t=149096

  6. #51
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    Re: Recovery

    Quote Originally Posted by MercyChild View Post
    I noticed how much fear came out just by writing this, felt anger in the core of my stomach, yet I know that I am not allowed to be ruled by these emotions. When I compare my life to others, I don't think I have lived a normal life at all. How is it possible for one person to be exposed to so many bad things, while others have not even an idea of what the bad in life tastes like. Feels a bit unfair, but maybe my cross I have to carry.
    You have those feelings in there for a reason. They all come from a real place. Quit stuffing them. Let them out and share them with Jesus. Get honest about them. They're your feelings. Own them.

    Here if you need me.


    When I compare my life to others
    Stop doing that. It's a trap.

    People are not a buffet, and we don't get to trade with part of who and what they are. It's all or nothing. One life in exchange for the other.

    Who would you exchange lives with?

    Comparison leads to things such as jealousy, strife, envy and all kinds of other garbage.

    Don't do it.

    Jesus does NOT compare you. He loves you for you. All by yourself.

    It's only a lonely road if we make it one, hmm? Not only do you have friends, you also have family. In Christ. People who deeply love Jesus will never be less than a friend/brother/sister to you. Take heart.

  7. #52
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    Re: Recovery

    Fights, I hate it when people fight. If they would only move out of my way and allow me to withdraw myself from the situation all would be well. I consumed alcohol, maybe too much and when I told the psychologist it where I am doing the outpatient program he did a multiple test and informed me that consuming alcohol is a relapse. I hate where I am at, this means starting from square one again. I was angry and did not stay for theAA meeting afterwards as he suggested but rather took my things and went to church. If there is anyone who I need to ask to strengthen me, forgive me and help me it is God. So, this morning he contacted me telling me that the text I send him last night ot apologise for not staying, where I told him I have to do what I have to do to get encouraged again, was nothing but addict behaviour and I am suspended to attend the group for a week. It appears that everything I do is blamed on addict behaviour, so when is my behaviour ever normal?

    Now that is what honesty does. I don’t know if I want to continue the program anyway. I am despondent. But then again I know also not to jump the gun.

    I don’t know where I am at right now. I got my nex tresults. 76%, 88% and flunked one of my second assignments with 40%. I will however be allowed to write all my exams but I am afraid that I feel like I have already failed before I even go and write these exams.

    I have been sick for three days now with flu and my body is aching. I don’t know what is wrong or right any more. I still have too much on my plate and have no balance at all. I wish I could just get better. I still need to do 5 more assignments before Monday but I am tired. Cannot concentrate and cannot focus.

    I know not to blame anyone for where I am at and even for having consumed alcohol, but my family has the power over me to make me hysterical when they fight and it even feels like moments of insanity from my side. Now I also have to redo the 90/90. This guy has no idea the lengths I went to be able to participate. Maybe I just need the break anyway, maybe I should not rush into my own conclusions and really just take this one week to think things through. Maybe I need to have a break.

    Well, that’s me, still heroin free, but have to recount again! It feels unfair but then again life is not fair. My head is telling me count on, don't worry about others, just do what is right, but then again am I right? They say secrets make you sick, but this time telling the truth made me sick!
    Saved by Grace!

    Praying for Mieke and Charles
    Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation ; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.


    My testimony
    http://bibleforums.org/forum/showthread.php?t=149096

  8. #53
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    Re: Recovery

    Quote Originally Posted by Dani H View Post
    You have those feelings in there for a reason. They all come from a real place. Quit stuffing them. Let them out and share them with Jesus. Get honest about them. They're your feelings. Own them.

    Here if you need me.




    Stop doing that. It's a trap.

    People are not a buffet, and we don't get to trade with part of who and what they are. It's all or nothing. One life in exchange for the other.

    Who would you exchange lives with?

    Comparison leads to things such as jealousy, strife, envy and all kinds of other garbage.

    Don't do it.

    Jesus does NOT compare you. He loves you for you. All by yourself.

    It's only a lonely road if we make it one, hmm? Not only do you have friends, you also have family. In Christ. People who deeply love Jesus will never be less than a friend/brother/sister to you. Take heart.
    Dani, I am just trying to get a better handle to life. I am aware of what feelings there is and what not. You see I have been told too many times that my biggest problem is that I feel too much, so I acknowledge these feelings, but then move on.

    How will I ever know what real life is, if I do not observe and look at the life of others to try and find what is normal and what not. It is only role models, see how others do it right and try to do the same. I’m not comparing myself to others by wanting to be them. I am a bit weird, I know that and accept that I am different and that is okay with me. I just want to follow the way of others to live a sober life, see how they deal with disappointments and feelings and try to do the same to manage my own life....

    Everything was okay, I was doing fine, but again on Sunday I had the family flipping out, and by looking at how others live I could see that the way they live is not normal and that I do not have to accept to live that very same old way.

    I would have liked to exchange my own life to start over again, live a sober life and not know anything about drugs at all. I don't want to live someone else’s life.

    I have made my life a lonely place because of bad habits and if there is one part of me I wish could be removed it is the addiction side of me. I wish God wants to take it all and remove it like it never existed at all, but I also know that is impossible. He did however take that away from me, did He not? But each time I go to a group I have to tell my name, say I am an addict and then only can I speak. I am confirming and printing that image in my minde each time I say so. I don’t want to do that any longer. I don’t want to speak death anymore, but I need a program after all. The psychologist doesn’t seem to get it, it is not the program that is doing the work, it is God working. I believe in Him, not the program, if that makes any sense at all.
    Saved by Grace!

    Praying for Mieke and Charles
    Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation ; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.


    My testimony
    http://bibleforums.org/forum/showthread.php?t=149096

  9. #54
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    Re: Recovery

    Spend the entire evening in prayer then stayed for a service. Im thankful for this new safe place i have found. Open 24/7 for anyone who wants to go pray & spend time alone with God. Bit far to drive but absolutly worth it.

  10. #55
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    Re: Recovery

    Recounting – Day 3

    I am no longer fighting anything or anyone. I cannot keep on exchanging my soul for the things of this world. Last night I learned in John 17:20 onwards that Jesus was praying for us, for me. I want to be an answer on Jesus’ prayer. We so easily ask things of God, to help us, to remove things, to take away things, but now I want to be an answer to His prayer. The sad thing is that we don’t even pray anymore for our daily bread because money sometimes overflow so easily that we don’t ask for the things we think we can do for ourselves. Today I am asking Him to provide my daily bread, my portion of belonging to Him and knowing that all I have is what He has allowed me to have. Even being able to work, gain an income is because of Him. Thank you God, that in You and through you I can be a conqueror.

    I will not allow this entire suspension episode make me despondent, there is hope in Christ Jesus and that is all I need.
    Saved by Grace!

    Praying for Mieke and Charles
    Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation ; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.


    My testimony
    http://bibleforums.org/forum/showthread.php?t=149096

  11. #56
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    Re: Recovery

    I have a video for you, my sweet sister. It helped me many, many times this song has. And it fits me to a T:

    "You're gonna make a difference when you lay down your life, and in complete submission to God, choose to die with Him in service to other people."
    "Sometimes it concerns me, you know, the number of people that can quote my songs, and-- or they can quote the songs of several different people, but they can't quote the Scriptures."
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZLFGZ6zpeI
    Rich Mullins

    For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father

  12. #57
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    Re: Recovery

    I remember that when I met God, walking the straight and narrow I was given a Godly dream. Every time I give a piece of my soul to this world, I am moving further away from that dream. Maybe others don't believe in me anymore, but one thing I know, God still believes in me. I will not allow situations and temptation to steal this dream from me. I know that if I should share this dream now with others, it may sound ridiculous now, and maybe that is what happened when I gave my family a little input of my dream. Then this morning I remembered that Joseph had a dream, not the same as mine, but his family hated him for it.

    I have seen God at work before. I have experienced His great power, His mercy, His goodness and His strength. I will not allow anyone or anything to make me feel despondent. God was and will be my hope. I don’t care if others don’t get me anymore. Everyone has a right to an opinion, but the only opinion that should matter to me is God’s opinion! He promised that He will complete the good works He has begun in me until the day of Jesus Christ. I am an unfinished product of grace. May God mould me, shape me and make me until I have become what He intended me to be.

    Maybe I started running off doing things which I was not ready for, maybe I was in a rush to live that dream, but it was still worth it. God still used the imperfect me. He saw my eagerness and through it showed His power, knowing that I had no capability of doing the things He was doing through me. I will not and cannot give up on God, because I know in my heart that He will never ever give up on me.

    I will search harder, I will explore His Word even more, despite of guilt feelings, and I will give myself to Him over and over and over until He will help me to step out the finished product. No man can do or give what God has given to me in the last three years. Yes, He did send precious people on my journey to help me, teach me and shape me. But everything which happened was because of His plan for my life. He has a plan for me and I cannot think differently, I cannot deny it; I will not push it aside. He gave me the tools, He did not take it back, and it was me setting them aside. It is time to rise out of this mindset of mine and pick up the tools which He has equipped me with so far and when I lack anything, I have the right to ask Him to guide me, lead me and show me the way.

    I am a terrible decision maker, but God, He does not make mistakes like man does. He knows exactly what I need. He knows every little part of me. Maybe I was created to be different, maybe I was meant to have a different perspective in life maybe that was needed for me in order to get to that dream.

    I will not quit! I will not give up! I will never again say that I am not going to make it! God will help me rise again and walk, yes walk without limping, with dignity among His people, so that others may see His goodness and mercy. If I cannot change myself, I know that God can miraculously change this character defects, change my mindset, heal the psychoses and use me as He wants to. There is nothing I can do to stop it; all I can do is to accept it.

    I am God’s, maybe full of mistakes, not even perfect, but forgiven, granted mercy and washed! He washed away all my sins! Yesterdays are gone, there is nothing more I can do about it, but today is mine, a gift to me given from God. I pray that I will use each moment wisely through Godly wisdom. I pray that I will lay my will aside and do what God wants me to do. I recall the times I did do exactly that, and I have never experienced greater peace, greater hope, and greater encouragement.

    He is my hope, my refuge, my deliverer. He will help me to resist the devil so he will flee! It will happen, it just will, because I belong to Him. I am not of this world, I am from God, I am just passing through here.
    Saved by Grace!

    Praying for Mieke and Charles
    Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation ; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.


    My testimony
    http://bibleforums.org/forum/showthread.php?t=149096

  13. #58
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    Re: Recovery

    I will not quit! I will not give up! I will never again say that I am not going to make it! God will help me rise again and walk, yes walk without limping, with dignity among His people, so that others may see His goodness and mercy. If I cannot change myself, I know that God can miraculously change this character defects, change my mindset, heal the psychoses and use me as He wants to. There is nothing I can do to stop it; all I can do is to accept it. I am God’s, maybe full of mistakes, not even perfect, but forgiven, granted mercy and washed! He washed away all my sins! Yesterdays are gone, there is nothing more I can do about it, but today is mine, a gift to me given from God. I pray that I will use each moment wisely through Godly wisdom. I pray that I will lay my will aside and do what God wants me to do. I recall the times I did do exactly that, and I have never experienced greater peace, greater hope, and greater encouragement.
    He is my hope, my refuge, my deliverer. He will help me to resist the devil do he may flee! It will happen, it just will, because I belong to Him. I am not of this world, I am from God, I am just passing through here.
    Such a beautiful post, my sister. Know that I am praying for you, and I do understand what your saying here.

    In Him,

    CC

    Romans 8:16
    "You're gonna make a difference when you lay down your life, and in complete submission to God, choose to die with Him in service to other people."
    "Sometimes it concerns me, you know, the number of people that can quote my songs, and-- or they can quote the songs of several different people, but they can't quote the Scriptures."
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZLFGZ6zpeI
    Rich Mullins

    For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father

  14. #59
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    Re: Recovery

    Recount Ė Day 8 Ė no alcohol, no drugs.

    Whatís gone is gone. I have come to terms with that. Time has come for me to move on and that time is now.

    I used this weekend to go to as much services possible, going to different churches, listening to different sermons and tried to get my spiritual side fed. I saw the passion on Saturday for the first time, although it made me sick and I thought I would not be able to finish watching it, I now have a better understanding of what Jesus went through and had done for me. Friday I have spend the entire day in Gods presence with people I donít even know, but yet we are all family in Christ arenít we?

    Yesterday I went to another church where they had the Stations of the Cross. I did it in my own time but still cannot get my head around just how much Jesus suffered for me. One thing that came through clearly is the confusion that must off been taking place since Jesus was captured up until the crucifixion.

    I was despondent because even a professional gave up on me and suspended me for having alcohol, and I wondered how bad I really am. But also this weekend I have wondered if I really do need more programs. The conclusion is if there is anything I need more of, it is to be in a better relationship with God. Being left on my own, it felt like the most vulnerable time, so I decided that if I wanted to stand firm, I should use the time wisely and try to have a better understanding of God.

    I decided that I will go back to the program on Wednesday, but on my terms. God first, studies second and I am not going to re-do the 90/90 program. The punishment system is surely something that does not work for me. Many tried it before but that just causes more hurt and more stubbornness more agression and more rebellion. If I am to be kicked off the program entirely for not coming to my senses to continue doing the 90/90 program as the psychologist wishes, then that be it. I am not going to do it! I will not speak death over myself again and again and again. I refuse to.

    Shrinks and professionals donít seem to get it anyway. They just focus on the addiction and blame everything on addictive behaviour, but the truth is that I used or relapsed, because I was hurting. Remove this blind spot and uncover the hurt, will enable me to stop the insanity.

    So, this is my focus, identifying and dealing with the areas of hurt and other stuff. I will have to pray about it all and ask God to heal and where possible, to grant restoration.

    The scary part is I donít even know whether this is the right move or not, but spiritually I know in my heart that if God does not come first, all will be in vain.
    Saved by Grace!

    Praying for Mieke and Charles
    Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation ; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.


    My testimony
    http://bibleforums.org/forum/showthread.php?t=149096

  15. #60
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    Re: Recovery

    Recount - Day 9
    I know the answer to freedom; I know that I have afreedom of choice. That is the only real and most important freedom I have. Iam going back to the program tonight, but still not going to stay for a NAmeeting. My appointment with the psychologist is tomorrow and I am no longereven nervous to meet with him. I choose tohave God in my life; I will stick with this decision. Isaiah 61 is clear thatGod did not give me a spirit of weakness, but a spirit to praise Him. I willhave oil of joy instead of tears of grieve.

    I am sorry for what I have done, for who I used to be,but God can, will and want to sanctify me. May the works of my heart and hands not returnempty, but may God be in control of me from here on until the end of my days.

    I am going for pastoral counselling to get to understandmy past better according to the Bible and I will ask God to fix thingsaccordingly. I am no longer going to seek the help of the world. I am tired; Ihave spent too much time in rehabs, programs and such. From here, it is God ornothing.

    Concerning the studies, all assignments are completed. Ireceived exam entrance for all my subjects. I am not searching for a dream, Iam living it and going one step forward at a time, I will eventually get to thegoal. What I have learned over the past few days is, that there is power inprayer and that He loves me, warts and all.
    Saved by Grace!

    Praying for Mieke and Charles
    Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation ; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.


    My testimony
    http://bibleforums.org/forum/showthread.php?t=149096

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