Recovery

[Dani H]

Haha, yep! How many of us are waiting for some "new word" to us from God when He has already told us exactly what to do, and we've been ignoring Him because of fear and excuses? He's not going to tell us anything new if we disregard what we know to begin with. Do what you know, obey what you've been told. God never changes.

[MercyChild]

DAY 43

Dani, I had to endure a test on what I wrote.

Just yesterday I was given the most brilliant opportunity to fall for temptation and sin. Although I’m not discussing detail, please believe me that I could have fallen for it and gotten away with it from the human perspective off course. But I am thankful to God for a conscious (which I think is influenced by the Holy Spirit) and the strength to resist that temptation. Also thankful for the Word that I know I have to start moving in the direction which God wants me to move, if not for that, I might have been down and out once again.

So today’s topic or learning curve in recovery is: Resist the devil and he shall flee!
I explained to someone else on another thread that I have learned that satan commonly tells us these three greatest lies.

1. We are powerless over our circumstances
2. We are victims of an unjust God
3. And finally, that we are here to suffer

Off course these are all just lies, because satan is the father of lies and there is no truth in him, but he sets these lies in such a way that we almost believe it (in some cases we believe these lies with all our heart).

Now if these are the lies he tells us, what is the truth and how do we counteract on these lies?

1. We have to expose the lies he tells us
The Bible is truth and we can whatever we are told check it according to the true Word of God to discern between lies
and truth.

2.We have to regain the authority Jesus Christ have given us
We are not no one’s, we are God’s children and there are many promises and scriptures that read that we will have
the authority to do the things Jesus did and even greater things (although it creates nervousness in me.)

3.We are filled with His Spirit and influenced by it, so we can influence others.
God’s Spirit will lead us, God promises that He will make a way for us when there seems to be no way and further it is
God’s will that everyone should know about Him.

So, this is my discovery. I had a situation where I was meant to fall trap to temptation as everything was at the right place and the right time, but with the power of God in me I had the clarity to realise that what was about to take place was wrong and had the authority to make a choice whether I was powerless or not in that situation. Lie exposed! I was in control of the circumstance!

God is a God of just. Yesterday He allowed this situations to cross my path so that I could get to learn that I do not have to be a victim and that I do have the authority He had given me to make the right choice. If I had gone ahead yesterday with the lie presented to me, I could have been homeless and unemployed today. You see the power was in choice and if I made the wrong choice I would have suffered the consequences, but because God showed me that I was being deceived, I still have a job to come to today and a good place to sleep.

And to take on lie number three, I did not suffer in any way; instead I could come back to a job with my head held high. It was only by grace and by acknowledging the Spirit of God and asking for help to resist that temptation that I can now instead of hanging my head in shame, share boldly that God’s grace is sufficient and that He gave me the power in something which appeared to be a powerless situation. I have surely learned from it, stepped out in victory and grew a bit stronger in the right direction.

[Dani H]

Awesome!

Yep, there's always a test lurking somewhere. Glad you passed yours! Proves you did pay attention and you did learn. Very good! A+ for you!

[MercyChild]

Day 44

I wish the exams were over, the stress levels is getting unhealty at times. Every time I have to fight the thought of just getting to the exam location. Will it happen that one day I may not make it? I don't know, but wish it were posible.

It is hard to focus on any other thing right now, and there are so many things demanding my attention. I know the stress levels need to be in check because I sleep too much. Two days this week already I went to bed just after 18h00 still battling to wake up the next morning..........

Yet, I know to keep on trying, keep my head up, trust that I will learn something from this experience and remind myself that God is in control.

I learned to resist tempation and how to deal with cravings, but when depression starts lurkin, I try to fight it but still don't know exactly how to deal with it. It is a huge obstical in my life, especailly since I moved out on my own. I can somehow manage to keep myself together infront of others, but at home, I don't even feel the need to fight it anymore. I just let go and most of the times and just sleep it away.

We are having a touch the hem woman's day event on saturday for the entire day and there will be no time to study. Also I'm playing the drums for the band, but the other day while we practiced I found it hard to keep up as the legs got tired so quickly. I don't even want to play on Saturday. Now that is not right, because I love music, and I love a making a noise, but everything is too much and feels demanding.

Hopefully soon I will see results for trying to stick it out. Whether this is God's way to teach me patience, endurance or long suffering, I don't know, but I am pretty sure I am learning something for the long run.

[Dani H]

I understand. I've been in college full time and work full time (and being a parent full time) and that is haaaard, especially for someone who wants to do well with everything all the time. You hit your limits pretty quick and the stress at times just runs off with you. So don't be too hard on yourself, understand that yes it's VERY stressful, and make sure you're balancing your life out, ok? Sleep is our body's natural reaction to rest itself, so don't worry about that either. Trust your body. Trust God. Trust yourself. Spend that time with the Lord every day, BEFORE you go run around. Get your strength from HIM and don't go anywhere or do anything without Him. Lay the day's troubles and commitments before the Lord and let Him prioritize them and give you grace to accomplish those things that are needful. And yes, that includes rest. Our priority HAS to be God in all things and the time we spend with Him.

I know some of us we like to be superwomen and push through everything with a bulldozer, but we're really only human and we all have our limits. Know yours. Respect them. Don't try to push too hard or you just may lose it in ways you don't want or expect to. Better to go a little easier and come out okay, than push too hard and break down and be at a bad spot to have to recover from. God wouldn't have made the Sabbath a part of His Law if we didn't actually need the rest. So take it. Drop a couple commitments if you have to. It's okay to tell people "hey I'm getting burned out and I need a break so I'm taking one." The universe isn't going to have a heart attack and collapse if you do that, promise!

Remember the story of Mary and Martha, and remember what Jesus said was more important.

Okay?

Okay.

[MercyChild]

Day 45

The Word does have the answers to man's most pressing needs, I just have to find it.

Being moody and despondent is a natural part of every personality, on a temporary basis that is. Life does have its highs and lows, and it is easy to blame oneself unduly for all the things that went wrong because in fact we were the ones who made those choices. We are solely responsible for where we are most times.
Nervous breakdowns, depression, destruction, bodily harm, suicide, are these things we bring over ourselves, because scripture states (Prov 3:27) that as the man thinketh in his heart so is he. In active addiction weren't we anyway doing all of these things?

Is it abnormal for any addict in recovery to be diagnosed with depression? No, most people I know is being treated for depression in their recovery. The chemical disturbances drugs create, the things of the past, guilt, shame, consequences, these are all things that activate depression. But how long before you will get a handle on things again? How many years will you have to deal with these consequences? What about things those things which happen long after you have been sober? Well, again that is life, it has its ups and it has its downs.

However I cannot deny that God really cares for me, John 3:16, confirms that. God’s love will not fail me, never. A depressed spirit will not break me down, the world may bring hurt, anger, unfairness and despair but it will not take my soul. Words may bring me down, but it will not take me out.

May God hear me also as David prayed:

Psalm 61:1-4
Hear my cry, O God; attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For You have been a shelter for me, a strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in Your tabernacle forever; I will trust in the shelter of Your wings.

[MercyChild]

Tx Dani, especailly for the reminder about Mary and Martha....

[MercyChild]

I can't do this anymore. I pray and pray and do and do, but things just keep on going wrong..... My dad needs to be rushed back to hospital, My car is broken. He just came out this week. I cannot take off from work, there is no one to help him. If I don't go whats to happen? I can't, I just bloody can't keep up with it all..........

Screw this, it time to run.

[MercyChild]

I have not left the office. What do I do anyway?? I tried to contact an ambulance, but my brother is there now.

I know I cannot leave in a state like this, it will just make it easier to go astray. How can I turn from the truth? God is truth, running won't help, doing my own thing won't fix things, I know that for a fact. Yet, i think I am losing some faith.

I don't get it, as soon as I think I understand something and share it with others, I get tested on that. Wham, the most vulnerable things will be hit first.

I phoned my doctor yesterday, needed a new script, but he shared that he thinks its best that I am admitted for having a breakdown. Why can't they just see things the way they are. Things happen and can make you feel blue, it doesn't mean you have defects.

Have to get working now, got outstanding tasks that needs to be completed.

[jayne]

I'm praying for you this morning and for your father. Take a deep breath. Take today one minute at a time and consider each moment passed in peace a victory.

[Dani H]

I don't get it, as soon as I think I understand something and share it with others, I get tested on that. Wham, the most vulnerable things will be hit first.

Yes that is usually how it works.

You can trust God to run the universe, AND your life too, you know.

And, don't be so quick to point a finger at the enemy either. Focus on the Lord and give Him each day, and yourself along with it. When God exposes our weaknesses, it is to lend us His strength. But, we must ask. Ask, ask, ask.

I phoned my doctor yesterday, needed a new script, but he shared that he thinks its best that I am admitted for having a breakdown. Why can't they just see things the way they are. Things happen and can make you feel blue, it doesn't mean you have defects.

I don't understand that either. It's completely normal to react emotionally to times of stress and distress as well as times of happiness. Like certain "scientists" and "experts" want to label the normal grief process a "disease". Really? Now people are diseased if they're grieving and saddened and mourning a loss? Gimme a break.

Depression in itself isn't a disease. Being stuck in it for an extreme amount of time ... now you're talking about issues, but not until then. The deeper the loss, the longer it takes to cope and integrate it and go on with life. That's just how it is.

Maybe find a doc who has a grip on reality and who understands people and the many variations of normal there are.

That's your dad. Of course you're shook up. Anybody with any kind of connection to their parent would be.

Now having said that ... take it easy and quit pushing yourself so hard. Because your doc probably isn't blind, dumb or ignorant so don't disregard what he has to say because he's probably seen many patients like yourself and has experience with certain signs he sees. Don't be tossing the baby out with the bath water here either, ok?

[MercyChild]

Day 46,

Just going to do what I am suppose to do today. That is it, nothing less, nothing more.

[MercyChild]

Day 49

Biting the bullet. Exam tomorrow, riding it out and doing what I can.

The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny............

[MercyChild]

Day 51

Counting the days slowly, yet through grace and strength from above we are moving along.

Exam went well yesterday. I can bank that subject as a pass. Thank you for the prayers.

There was a bit of a mix-up with the registration of the subjects last year. Now that is what happens when you send another addict to go and sort out things for you. While I was in rehab I was not allowed out to go register myself. So, yesterday I enquired to find out for what subjects I have to register next. We soon realised that I only did one compulsory subject this semester, leaving me with five more subjects outstanding and that the compulsory subjects can only be written in the first semester. It means I will have a year setback as I cannot write these subjects next semester. I will however be able to write only two more choice subjects next semester, but will have to do the five compulsory subjects only next year during the first semester and will have to pass all of them before I can start with second year subjects. It is going to be a bit of a challenge for me, as most of the subjects entail practical working hours. At least I know there is a problem and I will have to work a plan to figure something out.

Also there was one too many choice subjects, which means I am not writing on the 31st of May and I have wasted many hours on assignments and studying and I won’t be writing that exam. This means I will only do 3 subjects this semester. Thus I only have one more exam to write this semester. This will add to pressure in the future as I will have to take five subjects equally to a full time student.

I wanted to get angry yesterday, but then again, maybe it was God leading me to go and ask questions and only because I needed to know where to from here we picked up the mistake made. Again this might be an opportunity for me to start getting things in place and make a plan for finances to fund the subjects to come. At least I know there is a problem waiting ahead, but with good planning I might find a good solution through prayer.

[MercyChild]

Day 53,

When do you know when something is complete? When do you know when you are done with something and you can forever put it behind you? When do you know when you have reached a full circle?

Do we ever know?

Although I'm recovering, addiction is something that is to be set behind me. I am nervous to say that I don't think I will post in this thread any longer, at least not daily. Perhaps I will just throw in something when I reached some kind of landmark, but i have to start finding my feet, without making myself vulnerable at most times. Posting here kept me sane and pressing on toward goals, aims and my ambitions I had, however I am not an addict any longer. I am just someone with knowledge concerning addiction and I can post about that, but not as an addict, for if God has set us free, we are free indeed.

You know I think most people in recovery don't always know what others need to know or what not, because we get so brainwashed at being honest, that we throw everything out in the open and don't know what is necessary for others to know and what is not. Honesty is the best tool for this journey, but we do have to find our limits. I think I have reached mine.
No more telling people where I come from, no more testimonies until I am comfortable with it again. I am taking the book out of circulation for now, until I have an answer on how to move forward without my past being a thorn in the flesh. I am shutting this door as from today and will not allow others to get in there any longer. I am quitting the facilitation at rehab. I don’t want anything to do with addiction until I know that my thoughts and my attitude have changed. I will work on a need to know basis only, and the only one that need to know my issue is my doctor for now.

When I walk in a room, I want people to see me for who I am. I don’t want them to look down at me with the questioning in their eyes. I want them to see me. I was always just too willing to answer any question others might have had on drugs, addiction or recovery, but I don’t think I am going to do that any more. It is the past. I am going to be the ordinary person who happens to have some knowledge about drug addiction and nothing more.

There use to be too many things I was unwilling to put behind me, some which was joyful memories, other that hurt and even those I thought contributed to my addiction problem. But today I am closing this door. Over and out, thank you for the many prayers and being part of my journey.