I understand that everyone has their own opinions. And I completely WANTED people to share with me what they would have done. But, when someone tells you that you have "issues" and need counseling and then venture off into topics that I am not even talking about like "me staying out of my husband's business" and not "telling my husband how to run his home because it's none of my business"...well that is when the replies cross over the boundaries. That is like kicking someone after they have fallen down a flight of stairs. I realize that my son and my husband have both hurt me in the past and continue to TRY to do so every day. But, I have let go of everything. I have handed it over to God. But, that does not mean that God wants me to be ignorant and not learn from past mistakes. That is all I am doing - using past lessons to choose wisely what and how to handle my money issues regarding my son. I realize that my ex will probably never change in regards to how he does things (unless God comes into his heart). But, that is his decision. I am not telling him how to live his life. As far as me not knowing my "boundaries" (as stated by Dani H), I am the only one during this entire divorce process who set boundaries. I told my ex up front that he needed to respect my privacy and I in return would respect his. As for things he does in his home "not being my business", I agree - except when it involves my children. My children are my business and always will be. I love them and I do care how they are treated. I just think that when people post replies that they should stay on the topic at hand and not second-guess the situation. No one knows my ex. If you did, you wouldn't be so quick to stand up for him.
Generally speaking, since your thread mentions your son's college education, I'm going to take a wild guess that your son is aged at least 17, if not 18 already (from the replies that haven't been edited it looks like he's already 18, unless you said otherwise and then deleted it). So we're not talking about a child, we're talking about someone who is either an adult already or will be in a few months time.
You'll always care for your son, I think we can take that as a given. At the same time he will have his own ways of doing things. If he's visiting his father (who I assume is your ex-husband?) that's for him to decide. If you don't like him seeing his father then that's something you're just going to have to learn to live with.
If you want to give him money towards his college education that is your right. If you want to give him money with conditions attached that is also your right although I'd consider it a basic courtesy to make it clear what the conditions are up front so he knows what, if any, strings are attached to the gift. In other words don't start paying and then suddenly and unexpectedly withdraw support because you don't like some aspect of what he's doing (if you've made your conditions clear up front and he breaks them the only sensible thing you can do is to withdraw some or all of the support). If you want to tell him that after he's treated you you're not going to give him a penny towards anything, or that you don't have any money and can't afford to support him, or that it's not a priority for you right now but if he passes his first year you'll help him with his second year, or whatever else, that is also your right.
When you said "As for things he does in his home not being (your) business... except when it involves (your) children" I think you're missing the point. If your son is there because of a court ruling that said his father gets him for two days, and while he is there his father is behaving inappropriately (and by that I mean inappropriately as the law would define it, not necessarily just in a manner you personally dislike) then you have a right to take action. If he is there as an adult, of his own free will and choice, for all you might dislike the situation and disapprove of how his father conducts himself, it's none of your business any more. Express your thoughts by all means (and be willing to accept the consequences if he takes offence), but if he is an adult that's where your rights stop.
From the replies you've received so far my best guess at filling in the gaps (and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong here) is that you're wanting to pay some or all of your son's college education but are unhappy with some aspect of how to transfer the money, unhappy at some aspect(s) of the relationships between yourself, your son and your son's father.
For what it's worth, if you really want to give your son money towards something specific despite the fact he has hurt you in the past and apparently tries to hurt you every day, your best bet is probably to give it directly to the supplier. At least that way you get a degree of control over where it ends up, assuming he can't get you to pay to enroll him on a course and then cash in that payment for 80c on the dollar. If he can do that you have to decide whether to accept the risk he'll just take your money and do something else with it.
24 August 2013 - I've decided to take a break from a number of internet forums, including this one, for my own reasons.
I expect to be back at some time in the future, although at present don't know when that will be.
I've been here just a few days shy of six years, and those six years have been greatly blessed.
1Jn 4:1 NKJV Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world.
1Th 5:21-22 NKJV Test all things; hold fast what is good. (22) Abstain from every form of evil.
Obedience to God is more than a soldier obeying his commander. It is our grateful response to the Lover of our souls.
CHURCH: Where worship is enjoyed, not endured - Grace is preached, not legalism - And Christ is exalted, not religion!
There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)