I am in a really bad place here

[awestruckchild]

You don't need to explain it sis, I understand. He has allowed you to come to this place, so that you can surrender fully to His will. Like you've said, it won't end until you agree to go through it and praise Him anyway. Until you tell Him, that even if He changes nothing, and you have to spend the rest of your life in this darkness, you will praise Him and rejoice in His goodness. Surrender is death to us, it hurts more than I can put into words, but good always comes from it. Unless a seed falls to the ground, it can never become what it was intended to be.

This place is not a bad place, painful and heart breaking yes, but not bad, for the Lord is doing a miracle in you my dear sister.

blessings to you

Yes. You are right. It only feels bad to certain parts of me. It's bread that only feels like a stone. Thank you. It will end well.

[awestruckchild]

"The Kingdom of God is inside you and all around you,
Not in a mansion of wood and stone.
Split a piece of wood and God is there,
Lift a stone and you will find God."


I felt moved to share this with you. *link removed, unsuitable*

You made me laugh sister.
You gave me a lot of light there with all those candles!
Looks like last years birthday cake!

[awestruckchild]

Got it. I'm so sorry girl. My heart breaks for you and I will be there for you in this time of grief that you are going through, knowing it all too well myself. Didn't realize the true vulnerability of your current state, so let's forget about semantics. I spent time in prayer for you today and hope we can talk soon. If you need my phone number let me know and I will PM it.

It helps me to not feel so old when you call me girl!
You don't need to apologize.
You have loved me very well and I love you. It doesn't ever require an apology if we are loving each other.
Keep calling me girl.

[Angel Water]

You made me laugh sister.

You gave me a lot of light there with all those candles!
Looks like last years birthday cake!

Hey now, you wanted light in the darkness. Call me...over achiever!

[Dani H]

I know your dark place. One of the best things that ever happened to me (seriously). Didn't know it then, though. Back then there was just all kinds of dark. So ... I'm here to tell you with utmost confidence that there's all kinds of hope and a future for you! God knows how to bring life from death. That is what I learned. And, that He is very good at it. But it is a kind of death you're dealing with here. So let yourself grieve and mourn the loss, k?

[awestruckchild]

A look at the Hebrew alephbet didn't give me the exact thing I saw. It was similar though to the letter that means house, but there were two lines above it instead of one. Don't suppose anyones seen that, huh? Strange, but the letter that I saw at first didn't look anything like the two identical ones that it divided into. It was like two not perfectly round circles with a line extending up from them, (at least I think there was a line) almost like back to back B's, but when it was divided into what meant two houses, the symbols were sort of like the symbol for Pi (in math) except with two lines above them instead of one.
Why don't I pay more attention in my dream?! But then, the answer to that is that in my dream I understood it perfectly. It was only when I woke that I was confused.

[awestruckchild]

I know your dark place. One of the best things that ever happened to me (seriously). Didn't know it then, though. Back then there was just all kinds of dark. So ... I'm here to tell you with utmost confidence that there's all kinds of hope and a future for you! God knows how to bring life from death. That is what I learned. And, that He is very good at it. But it is a kind of death you're dealing with here. So let yourself grieve and mourn the loss, k?

Yes, I hear you. But then, if I was submitted and trusting, what need would there be to grieve? I DO want what He wants for me. The part of me that wants to grieve or kick and scream is the part I am sick to death of.

[awestruckchild]

Hey now, you wanted light in the darkness. Call me...over achiever!

Yes! I think I may call you that from now on!

[Indueseason]

Yes, I hear you. But then, if I was submitted and trusting, what need would there be to grieve? I DO want what He wants for me. The part of me that wants to grieve or kick and scream is the part I am sick to death of.

Jesus prayed in the garden sweating blood, He was still surrendered. When our skin is punctured we bleed, when our hearts are broken we grieve, it's natural sister. Your not invincible, you've been through a lot. Give yourself time to heal, and don't be so hard on yourself.

blessings and prayers

[Dani H]

Yes, I hear you. But then, if I was submitted and trusting, what need would there be to grieve? I DO want what He wants for me. The part of me that wants to grieve or kick and scream is the part I am sick to death of.

It took me about 4 years. And my faith was quite strong back then and Jesus and I were very close. It then took about 10 more years if not more to completely let it all go just because certain things continued to bubble to the surface needing to be dealt with.

Just to give you an idea.

Then again I'm of the highly stubborn sort and so it's possible it'll be far shorter for you.

Also, grieving has nothing to do with lack of submission or trust (not trying to argue with you, just trying to help you understand that you are in fact a very godly woman going through a very normal thing). And the kicking and screaming and anger is a normal part of the process. God gave us the grieving process to help us deal with loss, because so much of life here is about loss.

It's good that you're getting sick to death of the kicking and screaming though, because that means you're transitioning to the next stage.

And I have no idea what your Hebrew letter post was all about. Sorry.

[awestruckchild]

So you're saying it was all Greek to you?

I hear you both. Iwill try to be easier on myself.
I will have a huge mug of hot chocolate.
With whipped cream.

I have the niggling feeling that something rough is coming to us all and I want us to not bicker and to be ready. Sorry I'm so all over the place. I'm pretty restless. The last time I became even remotely this restless, I had that dream about the U'S. splitting into three big chunks. And yes, I know I'm making no rational sense. I'm a bit exhausted from all this crying.

[jayne]

Yes, I hear you. But then, if I was submitted and trusting, what need would there be to grieve? I DO want what He wants for me. The part of me that wants to grieve or kick and scream is the part I am sick to death of.

Oh, danih is so right in her response to you here. She is SO right that I think it bears repeating. LOL!!

Also, grieving has nothing to do with lack of submission or trust (not trying to argue with you, just trying to help you understand that you are in fact a very godly woman going through a very normal thing). And the kicking and screaming and anger is a normal part of the process. God gave us the grieving process to help us deal with loss, because so much of life here is about loss.

We all grieve differently. Some of us sob until we can't breathe and some of us hold the tears back, but inwardly fall to a million pieces and can't even think straight.

It's all normal and in my opinion it's necessary to get through the tragedy and move on to what lies ahead. That way, we won't be like Lot's wife - constantly looking back when the rescue DOES come and wondering "what if"?

[Dani H]

I have the niggling feeling that something rough is coming to us all and I want us to not bicker and to be ready. Sorry I'm so all over the place. I'm pretty restless. The last time I became even remotely this restless, I had that dream about the U'S. splitting into three big chunks. And yes, I know I'm making no rational sense. I'm a bit exhausted from all this crying.

You know girl, there's time to be an intercessor, and there's time to be just a woman and human being. The world will not stop rotating if you take a break from it for a little while (ask me how I know ). God gives wounded troops time to heal. So heal.

Might as well have that hot chocolate with whipped cream in a bubble bath with some candles. If you're gonna do it ... do it right.

[awestruckchild]

Hot chocolate helped.
Read your post in dream thread. Cool beans. Nothing hinky or gnarly there at all.
School starts up again tomorrow. Might not have time to come back for a while again.
Best to have school to distract me if I have to be in this again right now. No sense forcing things - tried it last time - doesn't work.
Thanks for your encouragements and your gentle way.
I know it's been 9 months but don't forget to keep praying for my husband please.