LOST......again
Greetings. My story in brief: 34years old. Born & Raised by Christian/God-Fearing parents whom both are still heavily active in the church and missionary work today. Accepted Christ at the age of 7, forced to go to Sunday School, Morning Church Service, organized church activties during the week and EVERY Sunday from birth until I graduated high school. Began to stray and "back-slide" around Jr. year of H.S. and further and further away during my college years, and virtually never stepped foot back into a church from say 1996 to 2009 aside for the purpose of a wedding or funeral.
Became an athiest of sorts around 2010 and was furious with God and use to pray that he not bother me, and I agreed/promise to never bother nor pester him.
Married in 2001 and surprisingly still married to this day but as most of the time in this marriage barely by a thread as in all honesty our 3 children we brought into this world have been the catalyst or "glue" that has kept us together. Issues, issues, issues....no trust by EITHER party for basically pick ANY under-lying marital obstacle or issue. We started out both "in the world", she became saved around 2009 and me well I suppose to many christians I know a "heathen" which in turn became a even GREATER wedge in our union. Simple past mutual pleasures we once enjoyed only are still practiced in regular fashion by me....the drinking, partying, going-out, etc.
Currently for the most part living off the prayers of others and vividly remember feeling God removing his hands of protection around me at around the age of 33 ironically the same age Jesus was crucified but in NO way do I compare myself to thee...just merely a simple revelation/thought as I type this introduction. Craziness.....Made it through MANY detrimental situations/environments all of my life up until 33 as I was arrested 3 times in one year.
Arrest 1 ensued after a Mardi Gras parade and got into a heated/anebriated exchange with law enforcement over the status of my towed vehicle....later charges dropped due to no prior criminal record but performed 40 hours of communit service, a hefty fine, and "anger management". Arrest 2 ensued after a heated argument/dis-agreement with my wife and proceeded to the bar to "blow off some steam"....left from bar and playing my radio (non-christian music) quite loudly/caught a glimpse of Burger King out the corner of my eye and made a sudden attempt to enter the turning lane while no adjacent cars in my vicinity for at least a 10-15 car radius but apparently was enough to garner the un-desired attention of law enforcement once again. Unbeknown to me at the time rested a beer bottle in my cup holder from earlier that evening, which was enough to obviously wage the argument of "probable cause" in regards to being under the influence. PASSED the field sobriety test in my opinion yet not to blame the officer in this incident but we started off wrong as I made the comment of "I guess I should have turned suddenly at the Tasty Doughnut Shop just ahead and you might have understood".....lapse in judgement obviously but nevertheless received a DWI Charge at the conclusion of the incident.....still in all dodged yet another bullet in terms of charges dropped but paid SUBSTANTIAL fines, attended classes, dependency evaluation appts, community service, etc, etc, etc. 3rd and hopefully final arrest due to a un-known suspended license from an un-paid traffic citation in a routine traffic stop..nothing else to report here as I did learn from my past experience shut up, remained calm and was later release with-out bail.
Fast forward to now I have been blessed with 3 phenomenal kids...2 girls and to everyone's surprise just recently had my first son on Christmas Eve of 2011, I named him Joshua. I love my kids and my wife (most days when NOT arguing which is virtually and realistically all of the time it seems). But I type here once again feeling alone, mad, confused, fatigued, and yes you may have already guessed it slightly anebriated...oh yeah and of course on the couch which as of lately I've grown custom 2.
Saw the movie FIREPROOF and made it to day 4 (a small victory in my opinion) before all-together ditching the 40 day challenge because she pissed me off and yes another argument ensued. Nevertheless, I'm numb to anything regarding my marriage and this isnot my sole intention on typing any of this. I just DO NOT understand the ways of God. Yes I've heared COUNTLESS times it's "all in HIS plan", etc..." but sitting here being a spectator to his plan is not my idea of fun. I've been fortunate to meet alot of good people in my life...some of which that are no longer here on this earth yet he chooses to leave a plethora of vigilante thugs whom wreak havoc on my community and for why??? This is just not the view from my pond but yet on a gobal level as well. We just buried my cousin on Saturday, 30 years old...one son...loved God and live what most saved people would consider a "rightous" life yet I felt like between the 2 judging from my "sin-count" vs his I should have been the one and inevitably can't shake the feeling of still being here right now on borrowed time.
I don't know what God wants with me or even desires me after all of my transgressions.....It doesn't make sense logically speaking. My faith is weak and day by day I find myself merely just going through the motions....no desire...no purpose...no CARE. It's his world, I'm just trying to do my best going un-noticed living in it. Apologize for my rant as I know it's all over the place as my mind and soul. If we should speak no more, be well and good luck to all.makiPu
Reply With Quote
Originally Posted by ProdigalSon504
Bookmarks