Providing for oneself / career vs. guilt of not serving where there's a need

[SteveL]

Hi brothers and sisters,
I'd like your counsel on the following. This entire school year (starting in September 2011) I have been a part of my church's "Kids' Club." KC is where you, as a consistent volunteer, go to this elementary school every Wednesday to work with a certain group of kids from a certain grade from 1-3 PM doing Bible stories, arts and craft, Bible memory verses, etc. I did this briefly toward the end of March 2010, but didn't do it at all September 2010-May 2011 as I switched churches in mid 2010.

I came back to this church January 2011 and later that year the same director I once worked with before recruited me again, knowing the job I did in March 2010 and that I wasn't working full time. It's a niche group of volunteers since so many people are working during the weekdays. In fact, most everyone is 40+. I'm the only one under 30 volunteering. Like I said, being 1-3 PM on Wednesdays makes it difficult for most working folks to get out.

Other than maybe four Wednesdays this school year (two because of sickness, two because of work during the day) I've been leading the same group of four 2nd and 3rd graders. They're a little rowdy, especially the boys, but I've learned to grow to appreciate each of them in their own unique ways. After all, they're God's children first, their parents second, and then we're lucky enough to get to work with them 2 hours every Wednesday.

I am a part-time teacher. I sub during the days whenever possible and I teach after school classes. This year I've only been on ONE school district, and magically, I've subbed every day of the week except... Wednesday. Although we know that "magic" is God, heh. At any rate, when I prayed about whether God wanted me to do KC again in 2011, I received confirmation that I should. So, wanting to be obedient I gave the director the call and have been back in.

However, I honestly do not feel God calling me back for a second year. I have my reasons for this, and they are as follows:

1. When I received confirmation to rejoin KC in 2011, it was only for the school year of September 2011-May 2012. I kind of get the sense this is just for this season, and not something I'll be doing year after year as a regular

2. During this summer I plan to register on many more school districts. I hope to be on at least 4-5 different districts' subbing list. As such, I envision more Wednesday calls come September should I not get a full time teaching position. Obviously, this affects KC as those kids often come from broken homes and need a mentor's consistency. I'd not feel right committing to doing KC again knowing there's a good possibility I may miss many Wednesdays

Sorry this is a bit long. Right now, I'm feeling some sense of peace about emailing the director and letting her know that next year I won't be able to be a regular leader, however, I can and am willing to be a substitute in case someone is out and I'm not subbing at a school.

My struggle is, I'm feeling a little guilty because like I said, this ministry is quite short-handed. Sure, God can provide but I feel guilty about the idea of not serving to serve my own needs, as legitimate as they may be. On the other hand, I think my decision to transition from a leader to a sub-on-call because of my increasing career to be incredibly wise. Since I can expand my gifts and bless more kids who could use me in their lives growing up.

Should I feel guilty? How can I stop feeling guilty? Am I being overly selfish? Am I being wise in God's eyes, not just in the world's eyes?

Is there anything wrong with my decision to focus more on my actual teaching career and "giving up" this ministry? Is there anything I wrote that stuck out to you as possibly unpleasing to God?

One thing I know for sure: I'll be praying for these KC volunteers and that God will bring more folks in to carry out His work in this ministry.

[Dani H]

As believers, we all only have one ministry, Steve: That of reconciliation. Our gifts/talents and whatnot all come under that. Jesus died to reconcile us to God. That's our ministry. That's our mission. Period. The rest is just details.

Whatever we are doing, has to be about God and other people (because we are already reconciled), or we might as well stay home, watch a movie and eat popcorn because we're going to be equally effective or end up doing more harm than good. Seriously. You can always tell those who are about God and others, versus those who are all about "their" ministry (i.e. about themselves). Be in the first group, not the second. Please. I beg of you.

Also, God's will for us is to form Christ in us. Where and how, and the details of that are completely secondary, because God can use any circumstance and any environment to make that happen (because He's big like that).

So with those two overall things in mind ... pray on that and see where that leads you.

[SteveL]

Thanks for the added perspective, Dani.

I emailed my director of Kids' Club and let her know this is on my heart, and that I'll be praying for God to give me clarity on what exactly to do; whether to stay on as a regular leader or transition into being an emergency sub. I also asked for her to keep me in her prayers. I feel it only appropriate that I let her know so she can pray for me and also if it comes down to me transitioning, it won't hit her out of left field.

I did have a surreal dream last night where I was subbing for this new district, and the principal liked me so much he hired me a week into my subbing duties. I woke up and thought I was teaching full-time. I was ready to tell my mom the good news... then I realized it was simply a dream. Very surreal dream...

At this point, I feel it's time I apply myself more and step out of my comfort zone. That would mean, getting my name on as many districts as I can. Still praying but getting the feeling where God is leaning me. We'll see!

[SteveL]

Quick update: Going with stepping down and focusing on my career. I feel that's where God wants me to focus and take care of, so I can better bless other people. I gotta take care of myself first before I can truly take care of others. I can also find other ways to serve (i.e. Sunday school). But it's definitely time I went full speed ahead to launch my career off the ground, glorifying Him every step of the way.

The director's reply was very sweet. She blessed me and told me I have been such a blessing and that even just my prayers would mean a lot if I don't return next calendar year.

I realized guilt doesn't come from God but the enemy. I know what God wants me to focus on.

[Dani H]

Excellent! Good for you.