Trials weighing me down

**solidhollow** · May 1st 2012, 06:43 AM

Lately my trials with scrupulosity have been wearying me to the bone. My first encounter with God was him revealing his wrath to me.

Romans 1:18-For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men; who hold the truth in unrighteousness.
19-Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God has shown it unto them.

He slapped me in a vision with unspeakable power and made me wear my shame. I got a hold of a Bible and that's when i started having Unrelenting blasphemous thoughts. The combination of the Shame and The knowledge of Gods wrath + blasphemous thoughts = Deep Pain and despair.

Through Prayer, Fasting, repentence and reading the word The blasphemous thoughts have all but went away and have for the most part stopped bothering me. Recently tho they have decided to put on another face, so to speak, in the form of ultra perverse sexual thoughts directed at anyone i set my eyes upon. This isn't a lusting type thing. Its more along the lines of a song u hate, playing in your head over and over. It seems to happen to me even in the midst of conversation. While talking Ill experience such an intrusive thought it sometimes stops my conversations as i gather myself.
This has begun causing me great despair, Because i was already made to feel the shame of these types of things in my experience.
I despair at bearing witness to myself even. I feel like my own worse enemy. Almost to the point of hating myself for these things.

I know now after much reading that God had turned me over to a reprobate mind at a point in my life. After loosing my first love i concluded that a God didn't exist and I had decided to experiment with societal Taboos In the privacy of my imagination. For this i am grieved to the point of wanting to step out of existence. I believe this is related to my condition I'm in.

I feel such pressure in despair, i had a boil over point the other day where i vented on God in bitterness. I was being a baby asking God, Why this and Why that. Afterwards i felt deep regret and fear for doing so. I wish it was so easy to be like Job under harsh afflictions.

Could these experiences I'm having be a product of reaping the corruption I've sown to my flesh? Are our afflictions a reflection of sins? All the text i read about afflictions, sufferings and bearing our cross seems to apply to me here but i dunno. I just need encouragements. Kind words or prayers. Something, because I've become a sagging bag of despair these last few weeks.

**Toner44** · May 1st 2012, 07:05 AM

deleted . . . nonsense

**Dani H** · May 1st 2012, 03:15 PM

We do reap what we sow. And, God will let us go through trials to expose what's going on inside us so that we can deal with it. God would never let you despair, just for you to despair. He may bring you to the point of despair, so that you look to HIM for deliverance.

I'm a bit flustered by the whole "God's wrath" thing. Because if you believe God is angry with you, then why would you turn to Him in faith? So you vented. And? Get that stuff out of your system, turn to God in faith and knowing Jesus died to SAVE you, not to CONDEMN you, and leave the past behind, submit yourself WILLINGLY to the Lordship of Jesus, and live again.

I find it rather curious that the people who struggle with this, talk a lot about God, but very little about JESUS.

Do you know the Savior? Personally?

**solidhollow** · May 1st 2012, 07:53 PM

Let me clarify, i don't believe God is angry with me, but he Did slap me for denying his word & doing a super secret witchcraft ritual. I believe he disciplined me as a father and as a necessity to save me from the things i was getting myself into and bring me to him. The things i played with allowed me to see & hear demons and beings. After being rebuked and convicted i decided to do the ritual anyway and that's when i was overtaken with a vision. All i seen was his right arm & hand and it made the earth look like a grain of sand. His wrath was immeasurable yet it was an act of mercy. When the vision happened I became painfully aware of all my vileness to the point of massive sorrow. I was more or less made to wear my shame and see the real me. I was so appalled i wanted to die. I trembled in unrivaled fear. Just search your Bible for those that encountered God. Its not always peaches and Sunshine. To encounter God is to be made aware of our sinful condition and its worse then we could imagine. I wrote a testimony on here months back. You can find it if u want some clarity on my situation.

As for Knowing the savior. I do not yet KNOW him as the Bible uses the Term. I am forever seeking to know him since my experience. I know OF him because he is the word, but i have not experienced an intimate relationship with him. I feel like the Israelites Wondering the desert at this point. I become weary-some to the point of complaints. Id describe it as being STARVED for God or OBSESSED with God. which never existed in me before this encounter. In fact before this encounter i Blasphemed God and Vandalized churches. I believe this stands as a testament to the power of the experience. Without even wanting or trying, God killed off the old me with a single blow. Since my experience all i do is Pray, Read the word, Work and monitor world events. Everything has become lame and mundane except for God. Ive become aware of a sick thing inside of me that wants nothing to do with God tooth and nail. The fleshly enmity or hostility towards God. This also fills me with sorrow. I starve for him yet everyday i Bear in myself things that are perverse to the utmost. It becomes easy to feel alienated. Being aware of these dark things is a heavy burden. One i deserve tho. I do not intend to ever stop seeking him but at this point i feel like I'm getting the same treatment as the Canaanite woman. Ignored and rebuked to test my faith. The weight of all this feels overwhelming at times.

**Dani H** · May 1st 2012, 10:30 PM

Ok well then quit dabbling in witchcraft now that you understand who really controls the universe. You WANTED to see demons. Now you do. You got what you wanted. Now you hear them. It's all related, see?

Walk away from witchcraft, never touch that crap again with a 10-foot pole, renounce it fully and remember everything that has happened as a reminder to you of why it's not a good idea to defy God, ever. Continue to seek Him until you are fully clear and free to have that relationship with Him that you now crave, because it IS available to you. And once you have it, never treat it as common but cherish it forever. Seek and you WILL find. Seek God with the same tenacity you used to waste on chasing after all that other stuff, and you'll be fine.

Some of us more stubborn folk have to be dealt with a bit more strongly. Do yourself a favor and learn the lessons now, or there WILL be a repeat, except tougher and stronger. Cause God can crack even the toughest of nuts. So learn to become soft and responsive toward Him, and save your stubborness for other things but never toward God because before Him even the mightiest planet is a speck of dust and no more (as you well know).

Roger all that? Good!

**Toner44** · May 2nd 2012, 12:08 AM

And just to add this: God will never punish you with guilt. satan might but God won't. If your guilt is from God it might be to draw you to prayer and perhaps even for asking for forgiveness.

As many have said ignore your feelings. Don't do what you feel like doing do what you should do. Your flesh might feel rage towards God but you don't have to act on it.

Its like the story of the possessed man by the cemetery whose spirits went into the pigs. After he was freed by Jesus he stopped cutting himself with sharp rocks. How much harm are you doing to yourself for their gain?

**Toner44** · May 2nd 2012, 12:22 AM

Exercise or go jogging or running. It makes no sense for God to continuously preform miracles on your body and fill it full of good endorphins if there's nothing in your life that reflects it. Listen to Christian music...music sets your body's rhythm and also sends hormones to your body. Pray afterwards and thank God if for nothing else: locomotion.

And try to do it in the mornings... I don't know...pretend you're in bootcamp.

**Toner44** · May 2nd 2012, 12:43 AM

Running trains you to keep going even though your side hurts and you're out of breath. Its sets your mind for the rest of the day.

Say to yourself "I hope it burns! cause I want to make some changes with Jesus!"

**Toner44** · May 2nd 2012, 02:40 AM

Sure, God has stuck people down dead before and others have felt torment but there's only two times when God's wrath has or will have truly been given:

- Jesus at the cross - He suffered the torment equivalent to an eternity in hell. You know from your experience that so much goes on besides whats visible.
- Lake of fire

Trust in Jesus He paid the price for sin already.

**solidhollow** · May 2nd 2012, 04:34 AM

Thx for the replies. I'm Long since done with messing with any witchcraft at this point. When i played with those things i Knew certain things of the Bible, but i didn't believe it tho. I might add i didn't feel any guilt, shame or such before becoming a Christian, and I never suffered from scrupulosity/OCD for that matter. The original experience led to what i would describe as Godly sorrow and repentance. Its the scrupulosity that brings on the Shame/guilt/feelings of worthlessness.

The pastor at my church says unwanted intrusive thoughts are a common attack on new Christians. He said the devil being the "accuser of brethren" Causes the thoughts then turns around and blames us for them. When I learned that the blasphemous thoughts are a tactic of the devil, it stopped bothering me. I had peace for a brief period. Now its returned & They've turned to unwanted sexual thoughts that just torment me and make me feel severely unclean, Although i know this is of the devil. God hasn't answered my prayers and taken this torment from me yet so it must be working to some end for my benefit. Even still this affliction makes me feel so vile.

About the Christian music tho, i either listen to only christian tunes or play my own music. I stopped listening to anything else for the most part. I'm well acquainted with the running also having been through Basic Training. I know what it means to push through. I guess it just helps to get online and complain a little and hear the opinions of others and to know I'm not the only one.