Lately my trials with scrupulosity have been wearying me to the bone. My first encounter with God was him revealing his wrath to me.
Romans 1:18-For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men; who hold the truth in unrighteousness.
19-Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God has shown it unto them.
He slapped me in a vision with unspeakable power and made me wear my shame. I got a hold of a Bible and that's when i started having Unrelenting blasphemous thoughts. The combination of the Shame and The knowledge of Gods wrath + blasphemous thoughts = Deep Pain and despair.
Through Prayer, Fasting, repentence and reading the word The blasphemous thoughts have all but went away and have for the most part stopped bothering me. Recently tho they have decided to put on another face, so to speak, in the form of ultra perverse sexual thoughts directed at anyone i set my eyes upon. This isn't a lusting type thing. Its more along the lines of a song u hate, playing in your head over and over. It seems to happen to me even in the midst of conversation. While talking Ill experience such an intrusive thought it sometimes stops my conversations as i gather myself.
This has begun causing me great despair, Because i was already made to feel the shame of these types of things in my experience.
I despair at bearing witness to myself even. I feel like my own worse enemy. Almost to the point of hating myself for these things.
I know now after much reading that God had turned me over to a reprobate mind at a point in my life. After loosing my first love i concluded that a God didn't exist and I had decided to experiment with societal Taboos In the privacy of my imagination. For this i am grieved to the point of wanting to step out of existence. I believe this is related to my condition I'm in.
I feel such pressure in despair, i had a boil over point the other day where i vented on God in bitterness. I was being a baby asking God, Why this and Why that. Afterwards i felt deep regret and fear for doing so. I wish it was so easy to be like Job under harsh afflictions.
Could these experiences I'm having be a product of reaping the corruption I've sown to my flesh? Are our afflictions a reflection of sins? All the text i read about afflictions, sufferings and bearing our cross seems to apply to me here but i dunno. I just need encouragements. Kind words or prayers. Something, because I've become a sagging bag of despair these last few weeks.