Trying to Get Back

[joshqa]

I'm new to this site and I've been having a lot of trouble. I used to have such a zeal for God and I was growing so much spiritually. I was on my way to being what God created me to be...but I gave up. All my life I have been rejected, hurt, and betrayed by people. I feel rejection everywhere I go: at school, at church, at work, even with family and "friends." I've failed so often. I was in college studying to get my Bachelor's in English. While there, I was part/co-founder of a campus prayer and Bible study group. But dealing with life, people, problems at home, the demands of school and church and my own personal struggle with sin, I just decided it was too much and I took matters into my own hands (which I SO regret now.) I stopped going to class, I lost my scholarship, and I flunked out of college. I hardly pray or go to church anymore. I feel unwanted and rejected by EVERYONE. One night I went downtown and was determined to drink myself drunk. My dad is a drunk and I always told myself that I would NEVER drink or smoke (and I never have.) But that night I was willing to throw that all away. Thank God that he kept me and used someone to call me and council me a bit. I just feel like a failure in life and as a Christian. I have a habit of not telling people my problems because I feel like people don't want to listen to them. When I do reach out people act like it's a bother so I don't even try. My mom tells me I've always been like that, that even when I was a baby I didn't cry when something was hurting or bothering me. I just want to get back on the right track and I don't know where to turn. I'm afraid of going to church because I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I've just tired of being rejected and hurt by people. When I look for people to show kindness and love to me all they seem to want to do is point out my faults and tell me I need to do this and I need to do that. I know there's a lot I need to do but it seems like people in church only accept you as long as you "perform" for them. I thought love was unconditional. I feel like I have to "earn" their love and concern. Like if I don't do all that is expected of me then I don't deserve a kind word or encouragement or a call to see how I'm doing. It's just too much for me. I just need someone to show me love and treat me like a human, not a robot who's thrown away when it doesn't perform correctly.

[Dani H]

I just want to get back on the right track and I don't know where to turn.

Turn to God.

I understand a lot of what you go through and I'm here to tell you: Look to Jesus. You never have to earn His love. He died for you LONG before you were ever born. God's love is unconditional.

Keep God and people separate. God isn't like people, not even a little bit. People are broken, jaded, and sinful. God is holy, complete and perfect.

You will probably always find rejection at the hands of people in one way or another. It's part of life. It's completely human for us to reject that which we do not understand. So what?

I would also encourage you to repent of inner vows you made where you promised yourself "I will never be like ... (dad, mom, etc.)" Because God commands us to honor our parents, and such a statement is not honoring. Also, such a vow more often than not leads to us becoming exactly like those people we judge and hold in contempt.

Accept where you came from, understand you are of your parents, but also an individual and different, be thankful you have been given life and care by the people who gave birth to you and raised you, and then obey God's commandments and turn to Him and live. He can redeem anything, including our idiotic decisions. God is big that way. So you quit school. And? Go back later and finish that degree when you're mature enough to see it through.

Learn to be, hmm? God made you in His image. You are valuable. You matter. You are a creation of His. Release your judgment of others, forgive, and receive God's forgiveness. Give yourself and your failures firmly into His hands and then walk with Him, and never stop again.

Numbers 23:9
God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?

Psalm 50

“Hear, O My people, and I will speak,
O Israel, and I will testify against you;
I am God, your God!
8 I will not rebuke you for your sacrifices
Or your burnt offerings,
Which are continually before Me.
9 I will not take a bull from your house,
Nor goats out of your folds.
10 For every beast of the forest is Mine,
And the cattle on a thousand hills.
11 I know all the birds of the mountains,
And the wild beasts of the field are Mine.


12 “If I were hungry, I would not tell you;
For the world is Mine, and all its fullness.
13 Will I eat the flesh of bulls,
Or drink the blood of goats?
14 Offer to God thanksgiving,
And pay your vows to the Most High.
15 Call upon Me in the day of trouble;
I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.”


16 But to the wicked God says:
“What right have you to declare My statutes,
Or take My covenant in your mouth,
17 Seeing you hate instruction
And cast My words behind you?
18 When you saw a thief, you consented[a] with him,
And have been a partaker with adulterers.
19 You give your mouth to evil,
And your tongue frames deceit.
20 You sit and speak against your brother;
You slander your own mother’s son.
21 These things you have done, and I kept silent;
You thought that I was altogether like you;
But I will rebuke you,
And set them in order before your eyes.


22 “Now consider this, you who forget God,
Lest I tear you in pieces,
And there be none to deliver:
23 Whoever offers praise glorifies Me;
And to him who orders his conduct aright
I will show the salvation of God.”

[joshqa]

Thank you for your words, Dani H. I suppose I have been putting a lot of expectations on people. But it just seems like they're doing the same thing to me, lol. It's what I call the burden of expectation. I know Jesus has all the love I need. Maybe I was taking it out on Him, which isn't fair in the least. He has never hurt me. I feel like I understand Jesus when the word says He was acquainted with grief. And, wow, I did not know that making vows like that was a sin! I didn't realize I was being so judgmental. My father and I don't really have much of a relationship but I've forgiven him for not really being in my life. You never know what you'll do or not do. I know I've disappointed so many people (including myself and God) by not finishing school. Right now I'm working at a job I like and I actually just recently got promoted. But if the opportunity to go back to college arises I will DEFINITELY try again. You're right, i wasn't mature enough to deal with everything then. I know now, though, that I could handle it if I went back. There's so much pain I have to be healed of. I really am trying to do better. Funny thing is I have more of a desire to attend or even start my own small prayer group with other people my age. I feel really comfortable in those kinds of settings. Maybe this is where God is leading me. Thank you for your encouragement and rebuke. Please pray for me that I become the man of God that He has called me to be.

[Diggindeeper]

Joshqa, I hope you will go here and see this thread. You and this other man seem to have a lot in common!
http://bibleforums.org/showthread.php/238043-Self-Worth

I must say though, I was stunned by the amount of "I's, me's, my's, etc. in your post. The Bible says if a man is to have friends, he must show himself friendly! (Proverbs 18:24) A long time ago I heard this, and really this does apply to you and your situation...

JOY means this:

Jesus.............first
Others...........second
You...............last

When was the last time you didn't put YOU first, and you visited someone who was sick or offered a helping hand to someone who needed it?

When was the last time you offered friendship and fellowship to someone?

When was the last time you fed someone who might need food?

When was the last time you thought of others and THEIR needs and not your own?

Believe me, when you can begin to do this, you could be the only Bible some folks will ever read! Don't you know that self-pity can cripple a person? In fact, you can drown yourself in self-pity. And that's what you are doing...wallowing in a lake of self-pity. You have a 'poor me' mentality.

Why not try to actually be the helping hand that someone desperately needs? Or to be the one who visits and prays for a sick person? Or a shoulder for someone else to cry on? After all, Jesus said:

Matthew 22:37-39
37 .....Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

38 This is the first and great commandment.

39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

Perhaps you are only robbing your own self of JOY by not attending church! If its the right church, THAT is where you hear about the hurting people who could use a phone call or a visit or a card, letting them know that you care. That is, if you really do.

But, if you REALLY want to be 'loved', then show love to others.

[MercyChild]

Hey Joshqa,

You have recieved a lot of sound advice here and doesn't seem like I can add much. I just want to confirm that Jesus is not like people. He doesn't change, make promises and don't keep them. Form experience I know that He loves us unconditionally and that He genuinly cares for us, mistakes an all.

It is difficult when you have been hurt by people close to you especially if they are your care givers. When they fail, it is hard to trust others at any given time, but with God's grace this is made possible. We just need to accept it.

Sin makes us sick people and so there are other sick people out there with sin. Sin perhaps different to mine, but sin that still gets them down, lead them into wrong directions, have wrong actions or let them lash out words to hurt. For the one who do not sin, pick up the first stone and throw......but you see none of us can do that. To know that even makes it harder when we are hurt, because we know we also made mistakes and failures. I One thing of value I have learned is maybe your father was also reacting out of hurt and drinking might have been his coping mechanism. When we start looking at where they come from we sometimes understand them better. I also know how hurtful it is to be raised by a drunken father. They often dissapoint us, never stick to their promises, nothing we do is good enough for them, but honestly that is the point of view of a drunk with distorted thoughts, views and opinions. guess what I am trying to say here is that people will always dissapoint, fail or hurt is because of our sinful nature, but God, He does have that nature. He is perfect in everything and He wants to be your Father which you have lacked.

Forgiveness is a good place to start. Sometimes we might say, but I have forgiven that person, but every now and again being around that person, our innerman begins to stir and we feel all kinds of feelings all over again. Forgiveness is a process and sometimes we have to do this on a daily basis. The Bible says 70 x 7! When you do the maths you will find that, that takes a whole lot of forgiving. Why so much? Because God knew that sometimes we have been hurt so badly, the memories engraved so deeply that in order to forgive fully will take time. Most important forgive yourself. We sometimes do, what we think is the right thing at the time, but as we grow wiser we start questioning ourselves why we did not do things differently. Do not allow these questions to bring you down. You did the best you could do at the given time.

I pray that God will show you His love, a love so deep that cannot be replaced by any man. May He bring you back to the place where He wants you to be and use you to be part of His will.

[joshqa]

Wow, MercyChild, thank you!

I really believe that God was speaking to me through your words. I want to forgive all those who have hurt me and I ask the Lord all the time to help me. It's not always easy but everyone says it's a choice and not based on your feelings. But I believe that He will help me in that regard. I also struggle with regret and beating myself up over past mistakes (like college). Thank you for encouraging me to not let it bring me down. "You did the best you could do at the given time." I can't tell you how much that means to me. The half was not told of what I was going through at that time. People don't seem to understand or care to acknowledge but I really did try and did the best that I could with all that was going on. I just wanted someone to understand that. It's really easy to look objectively from the outside and say this should have happened and that should have been done but when you're the one going through it and dealing with all of it it's just not that simple. But I am encouraged, nonetheless. Thank you again for your kind words and your prayer.