I wasn't going to post a thread here so soon, but decided to anyway. One thing I have learned that is if you are able to "look" inside someones life and see the struggles and successes it is easier to relate to them so.... here I go...
I am not going to sit here, and give a pity party on how bad my life has been. I have had hard times, and probably suffered more tragedy in my life than most people my age but do I feel sorry for myself? No. I am who I am because of what has happened to me.
Throughout all my life God has shown himself to me. Not in physical form, but it seems when I am about to do something stupid he is there pulling me back. At the same time, God has shown me some tough love too. I used to wonder why God lets us suffer in hard times. Well, many times we suffer because of our own doing. It is up to you how you handle yourself during those times.
In 2006 I entered a relationship with a man. It was wonderful at first. He treated me well, but at the same time something was pulling me back. Against my own better judgement I moved in with this guy...well things changed. Prince Charming turned out to be not so charming after all, but I didn't want to be "alone" so I stayed with him. Long story short...after 4 years of mental abuse toward me and my son, and the occasional sexual abuse I had to endure when I "misbehaved" he left me. By that time I was so broken I hated myself. Let myself go mentally and physically. I felt stupid, ugly, and emotionally drained. Even after the relationship ended he still wanted to play mind games with me. I let him. Any excuse to be around him I wanted. It didn't matter what he said to me.
I woudl pray and pray for God to help me. To take the pain away. Seemed like everyday that went by I fell in to a deeper and deeper depression. Then, one day I started thinking back on how I acted. I was still allowing this man to control me. I was still allowing him to hurt me, and I even allowed him to mentally abuse my child. What kind of mother allows that? I got angry. Angry and my ex, and angry at myself. I prayed to God to give me strength, and courage. Little did I know I had that in me all along. The tears stopped. I began to smile again and associate with friends and family that I had alienated and lied to because I did not want them to see the abuse. Eventhough I was a victim of abuse I was also at fault for not allowing myself to break away. These events brought my closer to God, and I am so glad it did. God saw that I needed to endure a little pain to be able to learn from it. That is what happened. It also prepared me for a future tragedy that was going to happen in my family.
About this time last year my sister fell ill. It started with a nervous breakdown. To this day I do not know how or WHY I thought this, but the day my sister had her breakdown and I had to call the police to have her removed from my house(she was getting violent, and kids were around) I remember looking over at an officer, and saying "She won't live through the summer." He asked why I said that. I couldn't tell him why. Why would anyone thing a mental breakdown would result in death?
Well, after she was released from the mental hospital she began getting sicker. The reasons for her illness and breakdown was toxic shock syndrome. She suffered from uncerative colitis. Diagnoses in 2001, but would not take her medication. She also suffered from anorexia. I am guessing the eating disorder could have triggered the colitis, but no doc has confirmed that. Anyway, if you don't eat why would you take meds?
After she was hospitalized for sores on her body(another symptom of shock) she started going downhill. They performed emergency surgery to remove her colon, and then the doctor said she may not live 30 days. She ended up with blood clots after the surgery that they could not repair. On June 24th 2011, my sister came here to my house in an ambulance. She was sent home with hospice. A 33 year old mother of 2, and stepmom of 3 came home to die. She was distant. I am not even sure she knew she was about to die, but I made sure her last days were happy. At least as happy as I could make them for her. I called ministers in to pray with her. Called her friends in. Called everyone I knew. Her first night her she was restless. Couldn't sleep. The day went by ok. She saw family, and was able to talk some, but that night was different. Her husband slept in a chair next to her and I slept in the livingroom in case he needed help. I was fast asleep one that night and I woke up to her moaning. Her body had begun to shut down. She was losing her mind, and was in constant pain. I went to the room where she was. I asked her if she needed anything. She asked for her bible. I gave it to her. She flipped through the pages, handed it back to me and said "I'm ready." I knew then somehow that she would not live another 24 hours.
The next night she suffered. She suffered alot. Hospice ended up having to sedate her to make her comfortable. I started seeing her skin color change and her eyes fix. I KNEW time was near. Family was gathered around. the minister was there. Even our doctor came by. She said God told her to be here .
We sung gospel songs to her, and all said her goodbyes. The most heartbreaking thing was seeing my brother in law not wanting to let her go, but knew he had to...and mom holding her hand telling her daughter to go be with God. A parent should never outlive their child, and to see mom let go with tears in her eyes was the most heartbreaking thing I ever saw.
With mom on one side of the bed, my brother in law on the other side sitting behind me we sat there quietly. I watched her chest as it began to slow. Then something happened to me. I suddenly had a calming feeling about me. A sudden chill. It is a feeling I cannot begin to explain as I have never felt it before, but the feeling told me that everything will be ok. I remember taking a deep breath and feeling peaceful. Right at that moment my sister took her last breath.
I honestly believe that was God comforting me. That moment right there is what changed my life. I still mourn my sister, but I also rejoice that she was a Christian. Death is harder on the living, but I know that she is no longer sick, or depressed, or angry. She is gone from this Earth, but she blessed us with beautiful little girls(who look JUST LIKE HER!) and her memory will always be there.
God was there for me. For all of us that day. I was there when he took her home. While many people ask me how can I love God after horrible things have happened to me I look at them and say because he loves me I know that no matter what tragedy comes my way that God will carry me.
I have had issues with anxiety, and some things, but at the same time I KNOW God is there. I stil cry, and get down, but in the end God is there.
He has shown me all through my life he is there and will continue to be there. For me, every hardship I endure I choose to let it give me strength, and it has.